is this love?

LegacyUser

i know this isnt a very important problem but its been eating away at me and is getting me down. my bf and i have been going out for a couple of months. we said i love you pretty soon into it and he's treats me the nicest any guy has. i've been with real baddies and i felt so lucky when we started going out.

but since i said i love you i keep doubting myself. theres times im sure and other times when im really not. like once or twice when he cried for different reasons, i didnt feel like crying myself. but when a ex did once i was crying because i hated to see him cry.
i know he's madly in love with me which is why i dont want to tell him im doubting us. we never fight and its all smooth sailing. he talks like we'll be together forever but i dont believe in forever because my family alway taught me otherwise by example
. we've become the model of a perfect couple to our friends. just sometimes i think somethings missing. i've never said i love you before and noones said it to me either. im afraid i just wanted to be in love.

shouldnt i never doubt myself? close friends think im nuts to doubt it but i keep thinking i should be thinking about him more or something. im under alot of stress at work the past month could that do this? we're long distance and he comes from kildare to dublin every weekend to visit and stay with me for the wkend plus we talk each night on msn. could this be affecting me?

AnonoBoy

Stop analysing it so much.

You probably jumped into the whole 'we're in love' business a bit too early. But if things are going well then don't question them.

You'll see as things go on whether it's meant to be or not. You've only been together for a few months for god's sake!

The only questions you have to ask yourself at this stage is: Are you enjoying it? If the answer is yes then what's to doubt?

Don't get bogged down in 'whether this is forever' or not. Just enjoy the ride - I'm guessing that you're pretty young. If this guy isn't the one then maybe he's just a really nice guy that you'll think back fondly on in years to come.

Go with it.

Red Hand

AnonoBoy wrote:

Stop analysing it so much.

You probably jumped into the whole 'we're in love' business a bit too early. But if things are going well then don't question them.

You'll see as things go on whether it's meant to be or not. You've only been together for a few months for god's sake!

The only questions you have to ask yourself at this stage is: Are you enjoying it? If the answer is yes then what's to doubt?

Don't get bogged down in 'whether this is forever' or not. Just enjoy the ride - I'm guessing that you're pretty young. If this guy isn't the one then maybe he's just a really nice guy that you'll think back fondly on in years to come.

Go with it.

Good advice! Seconded.

OP, you will know eventually, but if you both like being with each other most of the time, then really you shouldn't think so deeply about things.

LegacyUser

'thanks. i do enjoy being with him im just being a worrier i guess. im not used to not fighting with bfs so i keep looking for faults i guess'

Vyse

Good responses here. I really think over analysing things can be detremental to a relationship. The more you think about things, the more you erode away from it. It's happened to me twice (been both on the receiving and giving end) and it's not a good experience. Sit back and enjoy:D

Black Swan

stupidgirl wrote:

my bf and i have been going out for a couple of months.

Good start, but not very long. Chill out and go with the flow. Love takes time to grow and mature.

NextSteps

Relax. What you have sounds lovely. Enjoy it. If it lasts it lasts. If it doesn't you'll still have spent time with a really nice guy!

dame

Kildare : Dublin is NOT long distance. I'm guessing you're a born and bred Dub? (rhetorical question, already know the answer).

Like the rest said - relax. You probably aren't truly "in love" yet but only time will tell if it develops. Enjoy it for what it is at the moment (a good relationship by the sounds of it) and what will be will be.

Don't be feeling under pressure or worried because of the "perfect couple" image. You'll eventually have a minor disagreement about something, don't worry, every couple does. You could always suggest something different for the weekend (such as you going all the way out into the countryside to Kildare (shock horror, leaving Dublin!)), or even a weekend on your own if you feel like you need a little change from the perfect couple routine.

LegacyUser

dame wrote:

Kildare : Dublin is NOT long distance. I'm guessing you're a born and bred Dub? (rhetorical question, already know the answer).

Like the rest said - relax. You probably aren't truly "in love" yet but only time will tell if it develops. Enjoy it for what it is at the moment (a good relationship by the sounds of it) and what will be will be.

Don't be feeling under pressure or worried because of the "perfect couple" image. You'll eventually have a minor disagreement about something, don't worry, every couple does. You could always suggest something different for the weekend (such as you going all the way out into the countryside to Kildare (shock horror, leaving Dublin!)), or even a weekend on your own if you feel like you need a little change from the perfect couple routine.

i actually do visit him some weekends. take it in turns but we prefer staying at mine. i think it was mostly the stress from work i've been under thats made me confused. plus im thinking too much. theres days like today when im sure i love him then other days im not too sure. can anyone else relate and tell me if in their situation it was just a case of thinking too much. coz im starting to think thats just what this is

Marksie

stupidgirl wrote:

plus im thinking too much. theres days like today when im sure i love him then other days im not too sure. can anyone else relate and tell me if in their situation it was just a case of thinking too much. coz im starting to think thats just what this is

Yes, sometimes it happens that doubt creeps especially at the beginning when reality and thoughts intrude. You don't know each other well and are finding your footing.
The term "perfect couple" is non-existent in reality. You never argue..yet but every couple does and how you handle disagreements will be an indication.

I wonder though if this self doubt is stemming from something deeper, perhaps the "baddies" or the family situation may be affecting your outlook? You went with the feelings immediately, but perhaps are now establishing defence mechanisms and it may take a while for things to settle in an equilibrium.
Maybe the stress at work was a contibutory factor.... if you analyse things, analyse those as an aspect of yourself rather than as an aspect of your relationship it may clarify things.

There is no set way to feel when you are in love, it may be immediate and explosive or relatively gradual (i have been through both). Similarly there is no set way to act, what it should be though is natural and comfortable for you. Some people are naturally more expressive than others your b/friend may be one of those, you on the other hand may not. It is no use trying to force these things..or overanalysing them. At times, it is best to put the brain out of gear, allow your bboyfriend to express in what way is comfortable to him and express in teh way that seems comfortable to you for now.. see how things develop
best of luck

Duff_Man

hah my gf is kinda the same but she is a general worrier! i dont mind talking to her about it cause i know she is just a general worrier. i suppose its natural to doubt just dont keep it locked up or it will eat at you and build up! it'll pass tho so dont worry to much!

Catari Jaguar

When I started to realise I was in love I pulled back so much, and got quite moody and cold. Very confusing time and I analysed so much. Kinda was in your situation: Where is this going? future? heart break? etc..

But my boyfriend made me realise just live for the here and now, if we stay together for the long haul, fair enough, if not ah well... We'l have a had a good time.

As for asking is it love? Do you feel it? Like really feel it, physically warm and fuzzy, churning in your stomach, achey when you think of him, heart about to burst when you kiss him?

Maybe you don't right now because your head is such a mess. But if you do, then just go with it and it'll work out grand!

Edit: Forgot to mention, sometimes people who have had bad relationships in the past or are insecure or low confidence don't feel like they deserve love and don't understand it that they are loved and resist it. Weird, but not uncommon.

LegacyUser

i never actually picture us as the perfect couple and i feel no pressure to live up to it.
i dont feel like i dont deserve love, just that i am constantly surprised that he does. i always wonder why but i guess most ppl do.

i do get the warm fuzzies and have the stupidest grin on my face when im in a good mood while thinking of him. i guess maybe its just you have a picture of what love is like and it didnt match it. it isnt worse. its just different.

truth is im wondering now why i bothered writing this thread. but its made me feel better and all your advice has helped alot. i just made a mountain outa a mole hill. i usually go straight to him with worries and he sets me straight but i know this would hurt him and wanted to sort this without needing to resort to that. thanks

Dutchology

If you don't know, then you aren't in love. Maybe eventually, but questioning it is the answer.

dame

stupidgirl wrote:

i never actually picture us as the perfect couple and i feel no pressure to live up to it.

OK...but from your original post...

stupidgirl wrote:

we've become the model of a perfect couple to our friends. just sometimes i think somethings missing.

and...

stupidgirl wrote:

i'm afraid i just wanted to be in love.

Right so, whatever you say stupid girl.

Dutchology wrote:

If you don't know, then you aren't in love.

Truth.....you're not really "in love" yet.....but you badly want to be.

LegacyUser

i never said i agreed we should be a model of it just that thats how we've viewed by outsiders. i dont play up to it, i just do as i want. it would actually be nice if they didnt just because i think its a bit silly and it makes them think if they have one fight with theiir gf/bf then they arnt as "good" a couple as we are.
we'll find something to fight over eventually, im just enjoying the peace i have at the moment. maybe it would act as a wake up call to some of our friends if we did lol

i dont doubt it now. i kinda realised it wasnt him i was questioning but me. i think i can almost pinpoint why i doubted it in the first place and i think its because i dont act the same way as other ppl i've known who are in love. its just because im not as dramatic as them. the same ppl have in the past declared love one week then been off with someone else the next. meh. if thats love i dont want their melodramatic outbursts!

anyway thats it. thanks. no need to post again. the fact that my blood boiled to read others questioning if i love him or not is proof to me.

i think its childish to assume you'll always be dramatically "im soooo in looove".
love matures and i think thats whats happening. plus the stress i was under was messing me up.

im a worrier and i always second guess myself about everything, it was silly of me to assume love would be different.

thanks thats it. the end

kaalgat

Vyse wrote:

I really think over analysing things can be detremental to a relationship. The more you think about things, the more you erode away from it.

Yeah I agree. If you keep "looking for faults" as you say, you will eventually start to create them, even when they're not there.

Relationships aren't only just good when they are "forever". They don't need to be "forever" to be fun.

Just go with it. You have a guy that loves you and treats you right. Your relationship is good and you don't fight.
You're lucky to have that.

So go with it.