Am I a cold person? Need help on a close death!!!

LegacyUser

Hey,

My auntie dear to me died last night at 2.30am and on discovering her sudden death has shocked me and my family and friends. I've endured bereavements in the past with my great-granny but she was old -82- and not in the right mental health and when she passed away, there was a certain amount of sorrow but acceptance that she was no longer suffering so I got over it rather easily.

Now, it's my auntie who was only 36. She was a great person, I really loved her and was very close to her. She worked for the voluntary organisations as she liked helping other people. She was an unselfish person - she put herself before others. She just graduated from Trinity College and got her masters there. She had just found love with a guy and planned on settling down with him and having children. She has everything going for her but it was all taken away from her in 20 minutes.

She died from a heart attack. The paramedics arrived tried to save her but she died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They did everything they could to help her but it was not to be. Sometimes you can't alter destiny, things happen for a reason.

Yet, when I first heard the news, I was shocked, stunned, baffled. I still am. I didn't cry, I was physically unable to cry. I don't feel that sad at all. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a horrible, heartless, cold person? I only cried because I saw others crying but I can honestly say, I don't feel sad, even as I write this thread, I can feel no sorrow whatsoever......

Really, I don't feel grieved at all. How can I be like this? My auntie died and I feel nothing, no loss, no grief?!!! In fact, deep down I don't believe that she has died. People have been crying all day and I just think she is still alive. BTW, I haven't seen her body yet. It just doesn't resister in my brain. Everyone has been asking me how I was all day and I felt that I was lying by pretending to be sad. Now, I feel numb, as cold as ice, emotionless.

Please can someone give me some advice? Is this normal for some people - denial of death, disbelief?

Thanks

Nevyn

Disbelief and denial is normal sounds like you are still in schock it coudl take a while for it to sink in.

The Roach

Моро&#1079 wrote:

My auntie died and I feel nothing, no loss, no grief?!!! In fact, deep down I don't believe that she has died.

Yep, definitely sounds like shock, and it's completely normal. I remember when my grandfather died years and years ago I was the same; my brain just didn't catch up on what had happened until I actually saw the body at the funeral. Then it all hit me and I broke down in tears, but up until that point I felt the exact same way you do now. You're not emotionless or anything like that, your brain is just trying in a misguided way to protect you. You might find, like me, that seeing your aunt's body will change that, but if not, don't worry. The reality of the situation will eventually hit you, and then you can begin grieving.

Sorry for your loss.

Odysseus

Sorry for your loss. You are likely to find that it may take a period of time before you work through the numbness your experiencing. Denial is not always a pathological entity, it is there for a reason and sometime we really need it, in a way it protects us from experiencing something we not ready for. When your ready to grieve that's when it wil happen.

CathyMoran

As Thaedydal said it sounds that you are still suffering from shock. When my grandmother died in 1993 I did not cry until my mum got my brother and I to throw roses on the grave, it was only then that it hit me. My sympathies to you and your family.

LegacyUser

'Thanks everyone for the comments, I really appeciate them.

I suppose you're right. I keep forgetting things all the time. I can't remember lots of stuff today that I'd normally remember. Maybe I'll speak to the chaplaincy in my college - Trinity - the same college my auntie studied in, in fact... I'm going to go into college tomorrow as I need to do something, to keep myself occupied. I can't sit around all day. I just want to cry, I want to see the truth and grieve.

Thanks again for the advice on what's wrong with me.

Go raibh míle mhaith agat.

Sláinte.'

Shinners23

Firstly, my sincerest condolences on you loss. Secondly, yes it is totally normal with feel that way - your in shock and as they say - the eye of the hurricane is the calmest point.

My best friend died tragically 2 years ago and on the day he died - i spent the whole day joking about how cute his cousins ass was!!!!! - not a bit concerned about what was actually happening.

I would reasonably say it will take weeks before the extent of what has happened, will hit you. And when that happens just keep talking to her and write all your feelings down.

Miss Fluff

Sorry about your auntie, how tragic. I'm sorry for your loss.

There is no template for grief so one can't expect to feel or to react a certain way. Bereavement is a very individual thing. This may only hit you in months to come when you are alone and wake up in the middle of the night some night and it could hit you like a bolt out of the blue. It may hit you in the next few days. You may not cry about it for years to come.

There is no way of knowing and don't feel guilty if the tears don't come. Everyone deals with a death in their own way. Like people have said you sound like you are in shock. I think funerals are good for grieving relatives and friends, it helps people process what has happened. Talk to your friends and family, they will understand how you are feeling.

I wish you well x

Marksie

Моро&#1079 wrote:

Please can someone give me some advice? Is this normal for some people - denial of death, disbelief?

Thanks

yes quite normal. My nephew died at 28, heart attack and both his parents were there at the time, one a nurse and one a pt instructor. Just got promoted, you name it.

I was in shock but it did help in some strange was able to function for the family.

But i didn't show emotion or cry for a while, and it was something small that set it off. But at that point it opened the floodgates. So it will hit you sometime. and when yuo least expect it. Juts be sure, if you can, you have someone to talk to and that you dont bottle it in, let it come out.

hunnymonster

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope today was ok for you. Sometimes it's only when you see the rest of the world going on as normal that things start to sink in.

LadyJ

OP,sorry for your loss. As others have said,shock is the problem. It can freeze us on the inside,sometimes for years. My mother died when I was 11 and although I did cry at the time,I didn't feel as bad as everyone else seemed to. I was "ok" with it. People mistook this for resiliance, but in actual fact it was shock.

It is only now, ten years on that the loss and the grief has started to hit me. I found that going to therapy really helped me to get in touch with the part of me that was frozen in fear and disbelief at the death of my mother.

Anyway,you may find that things will hit you in time. Shock is really just a coping mechanism that kicks in when we aren't ready to accept something of such great magnitude. It is a good thing in a way because it means that we can cope with funerals and hand-shaking etc. without feeling too inconsolable but then we can go away and grieve in privacy.

Good luck.

free2fly

I'm sorry for your loss. It is very tragic to lose someone so young. You will grieve in your own way and in your own time. The time between a death and the funeral is a strange time. It is full of denial and shock. You're not quite sure what to do with yourself. Everything seems so unreal.

As others have said, the reality will hit you at some point and you will release the pain and sorry that you can't acknowledge right now. And you will grieve.