teenager wont go to school

blooeyes

hope you can advise me!! I have a 14yr old who refuses to go to school and i'm at my wits end. She has'nt done a full week at school i would say this academic year. her last yr at primary was difficult for her as there was bullying and she refused to go, but she moved to a secondary schl where none of these girls were going and appeared to settle in pretty well, she made a small group of friends and her work seemed to improve wit some extra help. she's now in her 2nd yr and her work is beginning to greatly improve but her attendance is terrible, she says she is sick all the time and i know she's not.she is a very shy girl and i cant get her to mix or join a group so she is stuck at home with me most of the time. she likes the internet and has some cyber friends but i know this isnt healthy she needs real friends.i take the internet of her wen she doesnt go to schl but dont know where to turn for help!! i have rung the school but never or rarely get a call back. i'm worried for her education and her future, I know she is unhappy but i dont know how to help her. she says everything at school is fine and there is no bullying, but she finds it so difficult to go!!! Thanks for reading.

luckat

If the school doesn't bother to call you back about something so serious, perhaps you need to find a new school again? Meanwhile, if you're home, what about some serious homeschooling this year - if she's home, she's studying!

dame

Since the bullying has stopped and she herself says there's no problem (apart from her feeling sick), I'd say the problem is her own anxieties. I'd suggest bringing her to a Counsellor or Cognitive Behavioural Therapist or somebody. It sounds like she needs help to get over the mental block she has with regards school. It's not getting any better over the last year so it really needs to be stopped now. The Junior Cert is next year and she'll be even more anxious then. I don't know how you get in touch with those people but maybe the GP would be able to give her a referral?

I agree with Luckat, she should be made to study if she's at home but obviously don't give up on trying to get her to go to school. I'd make sure she spends at least the same amount of hours working at home as she would at school, with definite outputs so that she can't feel home is the softer option. I'd insist she was up at the same time and working all day basically, with essays, questions at the back of chapters and all that done. Check them to make sure she's doing them and making a proper effort. Do continue to keep the internet from her and the tv, during the day.

Beruthiel

That's tough blooeyes.
Have you really talked to her?
It needs a relaxing place.
Bring her out to dinner some saturday night, just the two of ye.
Offer her a drink, perhaps a Tia Maria topped up with loads of milk (if you have no problem with this that is).
It won't get her drunk because there's loads of milk and she will relax. Chat about all sorts, later in the evening get around to how she sees life, school, where she thinks and wants to go.

Sometimes teenagers don't feel close enough to their parents to spill their guts about how they really feel, it's easier to just tell you everything is grand.
This is because they don't think you will get or understand what their problem is. Perhaps she thinks you'll go off the deep end if you're told everything.
You need to not judge her no matter what she tells you, you need to take it all in and just offer solutions she can actually see working for her. Be sure to ask her how she thinks and sees things working out. Her opinion counts too.

Every so often I brought my daughter out to dinner like this, she would talk in a way that you won't get by just walking into her room and asking how things are going.
I also see nothing wrong with giving a 14 year old one drink. It stops the allure of it in it's tracks and they don't see the point of going down under a bridge with a 1lt as they can have it at home if they wish. Defo worked for me anyway.
Best of luck.

b3t4

It sounds like there is something going on in school but she doesn't feel she can say what.

I like Beruthiel's suggestion as it takes her out of her normal setting and would make her feel more comfortable. This all depends on your current relationship with her though.

If Beruthiel's suggestion doesn't work or isn't suitable I'd advise that you have your daughter see a counsellor. Trying it can't hurt anyways. Your GP would be able to help you get in touch with one.

A.

Nevyn

Blargh secondary school, I hated it.
Really wasting my time listening to stuff being read out loud when I coudl have read 3 more chatpers int hat time, having to listen to the same maths solultion gone over again for the 3rd time, nevermind the irrational horrormoanal maddonna wannabe's in my class.

The classroom setting and routine does not work for everychild.
You said that she is doing well with her work and her grades, maybe she learns better that way.
In college you are not epected attend everysingle class but you are ment o get the work covered.
If she misses a day can she catch up on her asignements to hand them in on time ?
is there a way for her to find out what homework she has missed ?

If she is doing well enough acdemically and is bright enough not to be missing out then I would suggest having a talk with her tutor and year head and finding a fexlible way to make this work for her.
Dont let the school fob you off make an appointment with them.

dame

All very well saying let her stay at home and do stuff herself but what about practical subjects? Science experiments? Things like maths are very important. At the moment (2nd year), it's not rocket science and parents can usually explain any problems, but as time goes on this will get more difficult. If she stays at home full-time her choice of subjects for the leaving cert could be curtailed by not having facilities at home for practical subjects or by not having someone to teach her (properly) at home. Also if she can't handle going out the door to school in the morning now (due to anxiety/shyness/whatever mental block), how will she cope with college or a job? Get her to see someone and just get over the mental block of getting in there. It's for her own good, which you already know.

I suspect the reason the school don't pay much attention is because she's not a trouble-maker and is doing OK with her work so far. Sad fact but trouble-makers take up far too much attention in schools.

daiixi

OP: reading your post makes me both laugh and cringe because you sound just like my mam did when I was a teenager. I got bullied at school and tbh I didn't like many of the people I went to school with. I didn't get on with them and I've always preferred my own company to that of others.

Like your daughter I had friends on the internet and my mam would take away the computer cables so I couldn't use the computer also believing that I needed "real" friends. Believe it or not some of my "cyber" friends are still my best friends 12 years on. My mam didn't believe they were as healthy as "real" friends but she eats her words now when she realises that they are the ones I can count on for anything.

However your daughter needs to go to school to get an education. How you go about getting her there I don't know because nothing got me to go to school much. I'm honestly suprised that I was allowed to graduate (and recieved the scores that I got!) given the amount of school that I jigged.

A counsellor won't help your daughter unless your daughter wants a counsellor to help her. At 14 she probably won't even acknowledge that there is a problem. I wish that I had been closer to my parents so I had been able to talk. I think Beruthial's advice is good. It's worth a shot at least.

spurious

Once she passed 20 days absence the National Education Welfare Board should have become involved. By law schools have to report children missing more than 20 days for whatever reason.

Perhaps when that happens the school will take your concerns about bullying seriously. Do they have a proper anti-bullying policy and procedure?

Very many schools have an airy fairy 'bullying is bad and should not happen' type policy but when it comes to it, have no clear procedures on how they handle an allegation.

Has the school not had a parent-teacher meeting yet this academic year? You could raise your concerns at that.

blooeyes

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions. The school put a letter through my door today to say they have been unable to contact me on my phone, my phone seems fine. I will ring them again tomorow. My daughter was seeing a psychologist when this flared up before at end of primary, i did contact them again during week but so far no call back. I will see what the school suggests tomorow and take it from there, whether that be home schooling or counselling i dont know. at the moment i am working every day but i am in process of cutting my days back as i feel she needs me home more. the school did have parents day back 2weeks, and they were positive about her regarding her marks just bit concerned about her being absent but also said she not on her own at school has a small group that she goes around with, but in class doesnt talk to anyone (even teacher if she can help it). I feel her issue is more a social one than a school one, as she wont invite friends to house and doesnt like coming out with me much either. if we go town she on edge incase she see's the girls from her old school. I cant get her to join any kind of club, i just feel she must be so unhappy inside, but when she on the net she comes alive!!! she missing it big time this week but being banned isnt making her go to school. But it's the only thing i can take away from her!
thanks again for all your kind words and replies and hopefully something will be sorted soon.

Beruthiel

blooeyes wrote:

if we go town she on edge incase she see's the girls from her old school

Then go at a time she won't run into them, or go somewhere they are bound not to be. Continue to do it until she is not on edge.
A long time effort maybe required but eventually she will relax.
You need to get her to be some sort of a friend to you. Your daughter can be this and it can be great fun when the two of ye spend some time together. I really enjoy my daughters company, you're missing out if you don't give it your best shot.
Hope it works out for you.

bearney

Hello Blooeyes

You could consider de-registering her from school and home-educating her. My 3 children are all learning at home. The numbers of home-educated children continues to rise as more families become aware of this option. There's a load of advice available at HEN Ireland. The same objections are raised by people who don't know how this works all the time; "what about socialisation, practical subjects, exams, the parent's ability to teach?". These issues are all dealt with on the site.

A good UK site, with lots of great essays and a comprehensive FAQ is HE-UK.

looksee

I can remember being about 13 and feeling sick when I had to go to school. I had been happy at primary school and did not dislike education, in fact I enjoyed it. I wasn't being bullied personally, but there was something subtle about the atmosphere in the school that got to me. It was an all girls school and I think this had something to do with it. I was there for three years and if anything I got worse as time went on.

I was not really aware of what the problem was at the time, but as I set off for school I would start to feel ill, and go home. By chance we moved house and I had the opportunity to move school. There was a bit of concern as the school I was to move to was a mixed school and was considered a bit 'rough'.

I did not find it rough, I found the atmosphere much healthier - I was in a class of two thirds boys and one third girls - all of us of very average ability. It was a very big school but I have no memory of any bullying of me or anyone else (which is not to say there was none at all of course). I got through the rest of school with no more days off for imaginary illnesses.

In both schools I had a small number of friends, or rather acquaintences, my friends were outside the schools, and I was never one to be bothered about being part of a clique. In the mixed school there was much less sense of always being watched to see if you fit in, possibly in the first school there was subtle bullying that I didn't recognise.

What I am trying to suggest is that perhaps your daughter does not even know herself what her problem is. Maybe also it could be a sense of being overwhelmed at what is being asked of her academically. You may have to read some very subtle signs to figure it out. Would she be happier in a vocational school? I hope you find a solution and that she can be happy in her education.

luckat

Excellent points, looksee.

Artmustang

Those are typical actions of teenagers. Know her standing in school and if she's doing pretty well, let her come out of her shell naturally. She'd realize that soon. :cool:

Victor

blooeyes wrote:

she says she is sick all the time and i know she's not.

"Mummy, my tummy hurts" implies stress.