The different metal genres

GLaDOS

Maybe more suited to humour, but I thought it would be more appreciated here

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers, and bones the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f**ks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f**ks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f**ks the princess and kills her. Then he f**ks the dead body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he f**ks the carcass again, burns the corpse, and f**ks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about 30 seconds, and then leaves.

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage".

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots, and a dozen elite warriors, and as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

Alucard II

this is fairly old. i think i laughed when i first read it tho, so....
Black metal one sounds like fun, altho as a Cannibal Corpse fan, i may be tempted to become the gore metal protagonist!

John

I think the Doom one should be:
The protagonist IS the dragon and the world shudders under the tremulous thundering of his footsteps.

chuci

ha thats pretty funny think i read it before somewhere though before.god this is insightful

GhostInTheRuins

Haha, good stuff.

Somnus

lol They're good

Malice

ScienceNerd wrote:

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

It's a good list but this one puzzles me. The baggy clothes reference I understand but the only sound I've ever heard from a Honda Civic is some terrible dance "choon" at ear-splitting volume.