Breaking the cycle

LegacyUser

Hi somethings been bothering me for a while, maybe ye can help me

I've been in 3 serious relationships in the last 4-5 years, ranging from a few month in length to 2 years. My most recent one, the 2 year one, ended a few months back and all of these were ended by me.

So I think I'm stuck in some sort of cycle that goes something like this:

1 - develop strong feelings for girl. Girl is either a friend or later becomes a friend. Girl is either taken, wants to be "just friends" or is otherwise unavailable.
2 - Get over it and get on with life
3 - Meet another girl. Start seeing girl. Mutual love develops, or so it seems. After a period of time, realise that there was never a real spark and break up with girl. Girl does not feel this way and is heartbroken. Feel like sh*t for ages for hurting girl so much.
4 - Get over it and get on with life
5 - Repeat

So whats goin on here? This has happened 3 times now. I have a collection of heartbroken ex's and girls that I do/had strong feelings for that I can't start anything with for one reason or another. I'm in my late 20s and I'm afraid that I can never get into a relationship where mutual love exists. I hope the fact that I dumped these girls who loved me doesn't make me sound like an arse cos its not like that, I deeply cared for them all but just didn't have strong enough feelings for them to make the relationship last. I'm at step 2 of the cycle again now and I'm desperately trying to avoid making the same mistakes again. Is it just a matter of sitting it out and waiting for a bit more luck at step 1? any helpful thoughts would be appreciated.

dame

The fact that you dumped those girls does not say anything bad about you at all - in fact it says you thought too much of them to string them along when you knew your feelings weren't the love they needed.

There's no real reason this is happening to you. That's just the way life goes I'm afraid. The fact that you're in your late twenties shouldn't bother you either. It's not like there's a rule that says everyone must be married by age thirty or anything. I don't really have any advice to give you. I just wanted to reassure you that you're not trapped in a cycle (just a coincidence) and that mutual love will develop when you meet the right girl at the right time. Stay hopeful and positive!

sweet-rasmus

i doubt it's you in particular; it sounds as if it is all down to your luck. lets just hope you find miss right next time!

Kell

somethingwrong wrote:

I've been in 3 serious relationships in the last 4-5 years, ranging from a few month in length to 2 years.

So whats goin on here?

You are a serial monogamist unable to exist without a significant other in your life. Thats the truth and thats whats happening. Its not down to bad choices in the girls you pick, its about your motivation for wanting someone in your life.

You need to take a serious amount of time out (took 2 years and counting for me) to decide what the fúck you really want, rather than jumping from one relationship to another still not having a clue about what it is you want.

Why not see a number of people at the same time (with everyones knowledge of course or maybe just when they ask) and decide which one you like the best after about six months of dating them?

dame wrote:

There's no real reason this is happening to you.

:rolleyes:

Duh... Of course there is. :mad: See first part of my post.

K-

tbh

to me it's interesting that the first step of the cycle is that you develop strong feelings for the girl and THEN you become their friend.

Would it be accurate to say:

1. Get lonely - feel left out of "couplehood"
2. Find a girl that I get on ok with
3. Allow things to progress with girl (despite tiny voice urging caution)
4. Blank out feelings of doubt by convincing myself that this time it's the real deal.
5. realise it's not the real deal

If that sounds like it makes sense, read on. If not, I'm assuming way too much

I think what's happening to you is pretty normal really. You have an image in your head of what the ideal girl will be like - how she'll react to you, what she'll be into etc. Then, you see a girl you fancy, and you don't really know her. So you assume that the bits you don't know will tie into your ideal girl. If they are unavailable, you'll never get to find out that actually, they are pretty annoying, and you wouldn't really get on anyway - like you do with the girls that you start seeing. So my first bit of advice is to stop putting them into different catagories - we always want what we can't have, and now you know the reason.

As for what to do with the girls you DO start seeing: I'll just say this. When you start seeing someone, you are under no obligation to take things further if you don't want to. Just because you agree to go out with them, or just because they kiss you, or just because you sleep with them, doesn't mean that is has to develop into a relationship if you don't want it to. You DO have to make sure that you are totally honest with them - if that involves telling them you don't feel the spark, rather than going along with it to spare their feelings, then that's the price you have to pay. Take your time getting to know a girl, don't jump in and assume everything will be grand - hopefully it will be, but if it isn't, you can call a halt before the girl has invested too much time or effort in you.

You seem like a nice guy, and it's admirable that you recognise the hurt you've caused and want to change. I'd hazard a guess that you hurt people by trying to be nice - so, you blank out your instinct telling you it's not working, in the hopes that eventually, things will click and you won't have to hurt them. OF course the irony is that if you listen to your instinct, you wouldn't hurt them as much - I suspect you know that already.

hope that helps.

Miss Fluff

Yes, a serial monogomist with the need to validate yourself as a human being by being attached. Always. Why not try and have fun on your own for a bit? This unhealthy co-dependency cycle you keep getting yourself into needs to be broken. Are that unhappy being on your own as an indivual human being? Why the insecurity?

I_and_I

Miss Fluff wrote:

Yes, a serial monogomist with the need to validate yourself as a human being by being attached. Always. Why not try and have fun on your own for a bit? This unhealthy co-dependency cycle you keep getting yourself into needs to be broken. Are that unhappy being on your own as an indivual human being? Why the insecurity?

I was under the impression that it was human nature to want to find a partner and nothing to do with being insecure.

OP it seems to me like you are just getting a bit frustrated with what really seems quite natural to me. You are not going to find the perfect girl straight away, I mean some people find it hard to keep relationships going for 2 weeks let alone 2 years. Calm down, relax and enjoy the ride.

tbh

I_and_I wrote:

Calm down, relax and enjoy the ride.

just don't lie to get it

Miss Fluff

I_and_I wrote:

I was under the impression that it was human nature to want to find a partner and nothing to do with being insecure.

Of course it's human nature, I do have a beating heart you know. It's just the OP comes accross as completely and utterly desperate, saying how he is in his late 20s and fears that he'll never get into a relationship where mutual love exists. Yes of course it would be nice if that happens for the OP but I don't see where the massive rush is and why there is a compulsion to be in a relationship eventhough it's not going to work out. It sounds like he'd rather be with the wrong person than being with nobody at all. I suggest going out and having fun. And lots of it.

The Corinthian

OP, you would have ended up in exactly the same situation with the unavailable girl as with the one you went out with, you know? The only difference is that you didn’t last long enough with the unavailable one to get past the initial euphoria.

The problem with the people you fall in love with is that they’re almost perfect, that is that there’s always something that is not quite right about them, all it takes is enough time before you notice. Unfortunately, the problem is that everyone is like this.

You’re hitting your late twenties. This is around the time that you realise that you life is not a Hollywood script; you’re not going to be able to do everything you ever wanted, you’re getting older and you will die.

Part of the reality of life is that you will not meet the woman of your dreams – well you may meet her, but when you do she’ll cease to be that woman. I suspect the penny hasn’t dropped for you yet on this one.

I_and_I wrote:

I was under the impression that it was human nature to want to find a partner and nothing to do with being insecure.

The OP displays the characteristics of a serial monogamist. This is someone who cannot be out of a long-term relationship and can only have long-term relationships. As a result serial monogamists tend to try and get back into long-term relationships as soon as they can whenever they find themselves single and this motivation can lead to unsuitable partnerships.

What others are saying here is that this may well be a factor in his long-term failure in relationships and I certainly would also think it a factor.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. Some interesting views there and I'll take them all on board.

Kell wrote:

You are a serial monogamist unable to exist without a significant other in your life. Thats the truth and thats whats happening.

I wouldn't say thats the truth although I'll admit its not 1000 miles from the truth either. I'm never consciously looking for someone to plug a hole in my life, things just sort of happen that way. Ususally the girl in step 3 initiates things, not me. And its not like I'm jumping straight from one relationship to another, although a mere few months probably isn't enough to completely get my head together. I had already decided to sit back and chill out until someone really worthwhile comes along this time. enjoy my independance after 2 years, and all that malarkey.

Miss Fluff wrote:

It's just the OP comes accross as completely and utterly desperate, saying how he is in his late 20s and fears that he'll never get into a relationship where mutual love exists.

I hate being labelled desperate and I would naturally disagree with you there but again I'll take your views on board. Its not like I'm trying desperately to get settled down with some hypothetical dream woman, I just dont want my next relationship to go down the pan in the same horrible way as the last 3. That was the point of my original post.

The Corinthian wrote:

The problem with the people you fall in love with is that they’re almost perfect, that is that there’s always something that is not quite right about them, all it takes is enough time before you notice. Unfortunately, the problem is that everyone is like this.

I think you've come close to hitting the nail on the head there. On paper, the people I've seen, especially the last, were ideal. There was just some sort of X factor missing.

tbh, your post was also very insightful. I guess I know all these things in the back of my head and just needed to be reminded. I'd consider myself to be a realist, although it might not look like it from the way I'm talking. I'm just looking for an outlet and a headcheck, like everyone else that posts here. So thanks