Advice...

Misticles

im almost 21, live at home with my mam and dad.
problem is, i dont get on with my mam at all!! shes an alcoholic and goes off on her flits every so often... the garda have been involved several times and shes appeared in court as well.
i want to get out of this house before i go crazy!!
im subjected to her questioning my every move, i take some tinfoil, she asks me if im on drugs!!
i cant leave the house and come back when i please without her going crazy and breaking stuff!!! and i mean crazy!!!
anyhow, im not financially able to move out, im in college and work part time.
does anybody know of anything i could or where i could seek help due to the circumstances.
thanks

Agent Smith

might i suggest you remove the link to bebo in your sig? Lest people recognice you from real life

LundiMardi

Misticles wrote:

im almost 21, live at home with my mam and dad.
problem is, i dont get on with my mam at all!! shes an alcoholic and goes off on her flits every so often... the garda have been involved several times and shes appeared in court as well.
i want to get out of this house before i go crazy!!
im subjected to her questioning my every move, i take some tinfoil, she asks me if im on drugs!!
i cant leave the house and come back when i please without her going crazy and breaking stuff!!! and i mean crazy!!!
anyhow, im not financially able to move out, im in college and work part time.
does anybody know of anything i could or where i could seek help due to the circumstances.
thanks

Well, it all depends... How much do you want to move out? Because even though you're in college it's still possible to work a 40 hour week. But that doesn't leave much room for anything else.

Misticles

i want to move out alot!!!! there is no way i could work a 40 hour week and go to college at the same time... i work 11 hours a week in my own job....

Faith

Surely you could work more than 11 hours? It all comes down to priorities. How much do you want to move out? If it's not enough to provoke you to work more and save your money then fine, but quit complaining. If it's an absolute necessity, then go out, work harder, and save all your money. Stop drinking and spending money frivolously until you can afford to move out.

Remember, there's many people in this world, like junior doctors, who work upwards of 100 hours a week. I'm not recommending this, but it might put your 11 hours into perspective.

Baggly

Faith wrote:

Surely you could work more than 11 hours? It all comes down to priorities. How much do you want to move out? If it's not enough to provoke you to work more and save your money then fine, but quit complaining. If it's an absolute necessity, then go out, work harder, and save all your money. Stop drinking and spending money frivolously until you can afford to move out.

Remember, there's many people in this world, like junior doctors, who work upwards of 100 hours a week. I'm not recommending this, but it might put your 11 hours into perspective.

earn more money. its so simple one would have to assume the op has a reason that she didnt think of it herself.

I, for one (and one being someone who wants to move out, i have my reasons, but cant afford to yet) am going to stick out living at home. I mean what else can i do until i get the cash together. At the same time, 11 hours is a bit p!ss poor.

LegacyUser

Misticles, I have every sympathy for you, sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. With regards to part-time work I highly recommend you put your education first, speaking from experience I seriously believe that anything more than 16 hours a week would hamper your study big-time. Don't forget that the body and mind need relaxation, you need to be refreshed and alert going into college in order to function properly. Not possible if you're working all the time. Even the thought of someone working 40 hours a week whilst in college in laughable. College is a full-time occupation.

The situation at home may be tough but your education is your future. Keep your eye on the ball and try not to let the situation with your mother affect you badly. It's not your fault she's carrying on like this. May I suggest that you work full-time during the summer, save up a good bit of cash, move out next term and go back to part-time work in order to keep afloat? I know a few students who manage that way.

Misticles

this is my second time at college. the first time i worked a hell of alot of hours and i ended up dropping out!!! dont want the same thing happening again...

Kintarō Hattori

Faith wrote:

Surely you could work more than 11 hours? It all comes down to priorities. How much do you want to move out? If it's not enough to provoke you to work more and save your money then fine, but quit complaining. If it's an absolute necessity, then go out, work harder, and save all your money. Stop drinking and spending money frivolously until you can afford to move out.

Remember, there's many people in this world, like junior doctors, who work upwards of 100 hours a week. I'm not recommending this, but it might put your 11 hours into perspective.

That's some quality advice there Faith, I'm sure you really helped the OP. It's so plainly crap I'm not even going to bother disssecting it.


Honestly Misticles I don't know if there is any organisation that could help you in your situation. The only obvious thing I can suggest is that perhaps you look into the possibility of moving in with a relative, brother/sister or a good friend? Do you have anyone that might be able to take you in for a while? Maybe even a day or two a week to give you some time away and peace to yourself.

Black Swan

Agree. It's a matter of priorities. Left home at 18 and have done OK so far.

biko

Op, I'm sure you already thought of this but could you share a flat with friends, or have someone put you up for a while?

Is there any way you and your dad could persuade your ma go take counselling?

Miss Fluff

Can you apply for a grant and live in halls?

r3nu4l

Biko and Miss Fluff are spot on here. Good advice.

Talk to your college councillor, chaplain or accommodation office. The chaplain will usually listen sympathetically and also help you to fight your case.

If you do have friends to stay with, see will they be willing to let you stay on their couch for a while. Find out ASAP if you will be eligible for a grant if you move out. The grant won't cover your rent but it will go some way towards that.

I know it will be tough but could you get a weekend job, two eight-hour shifts would be 16 hours work, more than you are doing now and would leave you free to study during the week. I know it would be miserable for you but if you did get out of home then it might be worth it.

Don't wotk too many hours and end up dropping out again. During the summer holidays, work as long and hard as you can and save every cent you get. Use it as a fund to get you through the next year.

Finally, be prepared either for a load of abuse from your Mum when you decide to leave or a load of tears and promises of changing things etc. Be resolute and strong, let your Mum know that you need to move out for you and if there is strong evidence of change you might return...leaves some options open for you.
Good luck

Misticles

i get grants as it is..... its very little though. afaik theres rent relief one you can get aswell... im back to college on monday and goin to go to alot of people to ask some questions.. ive found one of my mates to move out with!! gonna try find another one to make the rent a wee bit better!
i work full time in the summer all the time.
my mam wants me out so there will be not a tear in sight!! we both hate eachother so there will be no love lost between us!!!
as for the counselling, she dosnt think she has a problem, she thinks its the norm to do what she does. i have a protection order against her at the min and my dad has a barring one, so if she messes up shes gone! but that dosnt phase her one bit!! shes appeared in court and the garda have been here alot of times!!! and have removed her from the house!! she just dosnt learn.

LundiMardi

well, no matter what.. You're not going to be able to pay rent, bills, food etc working 11 hours a week... Unless you get about 20 other housemates!!

Sangre

Its not possible to support yourself with a part time job on your own. You won't get a grant as your assesed on your parents income even if they don't give you a penny.

Basically its either stay in college and keep the head down or drop-out and get a full time job and move out. I'd advise staying in college, especially if you enjoy it.

Just saw this:

Misticles wrote:

i have a protection order against her at the min and my dad has a barring one, so if she messes up shes gone!

For those you aren't familar with family law I'll put this in layman's term....'holy crap!'. Jesus, she must be awful. I might advise trying to move out now if you are getting that grant and rent relief. With that kind of toxic environment it might seriously damage your college experience.

At this stage its either; move out or social life.

What year are you in btw? Just because you can work enough hours in 1st year doesn't mean you can work enough in final year.

rain on

I reckon it'd be financially viable for you to move out if you upped your working hours by a little (like someone else said, to two eight-hour shifts a week) and worked full-time over the holidays. Assuming rent of €100/week and another €100/week for food, transport, books, etc, that's €200x52=€10,400 for a year. The grant is €3000 a year so that's €7,400 you have to come up with independently. If you spent three months/twelve weeks over the summer working a 37-hour week at €8 an hour, you'd make €3,552, which would leave you with €3,848 to come up with. Assuming, say, two weeks of exams during which you don't work at all, you'd work 38 weeks during the year, so to make that €3,848 you'd need to be earning €101/week, which at €8/hour would work out as 12.5 hours of work a week, which is doable and wouldn't impact too much on your college work.

Or assuming that you want to move out immediately (i.e. before the summer) you need to start making €142/week immediately (assuming the grant will make up the shortfall), which at €8/hour works out at just under 18 hours a week. Which is not so great, but still doable.

You could probably cut your expenses down to less than €200/week if you were careful -- sharing a room would make your rent significantly cheaper, and €100 is probably more than you'd need for the bare expenses of living.. I'm allowing a bit extra a week for the things like bills, doctor's visits/routine prescriptions, that kind of thing.

kindle

Unless of course you are getting the adjacent rate which is around 1200 a year that is. The colleges have student hardship funds generally ran by the student office, this is a fund to provide assistance to students experiencing fiancial difficulty short/long term. go and see your su welfare officer and see whats available. What year are you in, taking a year out is a good way to get cash and also work experience!

LundiMardi

rain on wrote:

I reckon it'd be financially viable for you to move out if you upped your working hours by a little (like someone else said, to two eight-hour shifts a week) and worked full-time over the holidays. Assuming rent of €100/week and another €100/week for food, transport, books, etc, that's €200x52=€10,400 for a year. The grant is €3000 a year so that's €7,400 you have to come up with independently. If you spent three months/twelve weeks over the summer working a 37-hour week at €8 an hour, you'd make €3,552, which would leave you with €3,848 to come up with. Assuming, say, two weeks of exams during which you don't work at all, you'd work 38 weeks during the year, so to make that €3,848 you'd need to be earning €101/week, which at €8/hour would work out as 12.5 hours of work a week, which is doable and wouldn't impact too much on your college work.

Or assuming that you want to move out immediately (i.e. before the summer) you need to start making €142/week immediately (assuming the grant will make up the shortfall), which at €8/hour works out at just under 18 hours a week. Which is not so great, but still doable.

You could probably cut your expenses down to less than €200/week if you were careful -- sharing a room would make your rent significantly cheaper, and €100 is probably more than you'd need for the bare expenses of living.. I'm allowing a bit extra a week for the things like bills, doctor's visits/routine prescriptions, that kind of thing.

that's simplifying things to say the least.

limklad

Misticles wrote:

im almost 21, live at home with my mam and dad.
problem is, i dont get on with my mam at all!! shes an alcoholic and goes off on her flits every so often... the garda have been involved several times and shes appeared in court as well.
i want to get out of this house before i go crazy!!
im subjected to her questioning my every move, i take some tinfoil, she asks me if im on drugs!!
i cant leave the house and come back when i please without her going crazy and breaking stuff!!! and i mean crazy!!!
anyhow, im not financially able to move out, im in college and work part time.
does anybody know of anything i could or where i could seek help due to the circumstances.
thanks

I have a very insecure mother too, who cause me a lot of problems throughout my years on this planet. I though I could find a place to get away from her. For she believes that, she had total control over me, but I was stubborn and kept quite. I had to walk a fine line. One of my saving is that she also had a “image to the community” to maintain, which some very smart people saw through it.
No matter what I did, she had to criticize and humiliate me to the others in the family and then enrage jealously in my brothers and sisters against me. She usually does it whenever she was in a bad mood and usually over silly little things. My parents fought a lot growing up and my parents while my father gave in, and the others believe that she had the right to do waht she want. She was so very manipulative, and used her people faults and guilt to justify her abuse and gain control. It is her biggest short coming and is her undoing.. She is a serial bully just like your mother. Remember that your mother is not happy with her life and she made a lot of bad decisions in her life. She is punishing herself (drinking heavily) and others and most of all, you.
Teach and understand everything you can about bullying. This is a start. http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm

Other people saw my true self and the more time I spent with them talking and performing various task the less believe my mother and that infuriate her.
You mother is abusing you to distract herself from looking at her own life. Her own responsibility, her duties as a parent is suppose to support you and set you up the best way she possible can. She failed you. I too let my mother get to me. Eventually I began to see her for what she truly is. I had a choice and it basically was, Do I let her ruin my life or Do I get a life for myself? I choose to get a life for myself as independently as possible.I took control of my life and took responsibility for it. Think the next time, you mother shouts or try to start an argument with you, that she is truly unhappy with herself, her life. You do not have to!!, You can be happy. So DO NOT GET INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH HER. It will drain your energy in every way possible and it will deter you from achieving your aim. Let her be the bad one, it her choice not yours. If she wants to, let her accuse you of doing wrong, you know the truth, and that what important. Walk away or sit there quietly, Do not acknowledge it or react to it, you can observe her making a fool of herself (Do NOT smile for obvious reasons). If she breaking stuff, ie cups, plates, etc, realize that she is wasting her money or your fathers, it will be less money she is spending on drink!! If she breaks yours, you can replace it. This will be hard for you initially, but do it for your sanity. Just move on and see your final goal, Total independence and be that better person and as the US army says “Be all that you can be”. Remember that you can do well in your life, there are more choices out there and you can choose them. If one door closes, another one will open, you just have to see it.
You probably dropped out of the last course because it did not suit you. You are not the first and won’t be the last that this had happen to. Do you like your course now? If yes, then focus your energy there. Have you got close good friends you trust, to talk to and most important to smile and laugh with. You need to find somewhere to recharge yourself. Do not forget to have fun in collage. At least your mother cannot hurt you there. It is a safe haven. Think of collage as a fun park. I do not mean, go and get drunk and go on drugs, there are plenty of others ways to that, even be silly doing things,It one way to get a laugh. You can easily have fun at work without breaking any rules!! The last thing you need to get into more trouble.
You are never alone even if you feel alone, your not, after all we are here to listen and even though it is a virtual world, it still “a shoulder to cry on”. I do feel your pain, I do not have to imagine what you are going through for I had the same, (with the exception of my mother going to court, I often wished she was taken to court, but my family did have the guards calling to the house).
When you studying and find yourself stumped, take a break and focus in what you are trying to achieve in life?
Do not let your negative emotions get the better of you, feel the pain and let it go. When you feel the negative emotions in a hostile environment( ie your mother - I know she is crazy) , Pause and quietly acknowledge them to yourself, and see what is triggering them in your mind and let them go quietly. Do this over and over again. You will soon realize that you can control yourself from shouting, anger, crying, etc and control what you say. Even if this fails the first time, keep trying, you can do this and keep seeing that goal and be the person you want to be. Before you know it you will feel better and finally talk to that college councilor, They will have experience this before, and they will get you some helpful advice, and at the very least a place to talk in confidence. Remember the collage want you to pass your exams, I know that some lecturer can be a pain in the ass, but listen to what they are trying to teach you. It is your primary goal to do well. I have been there. You only have a few years left short by comparsion with your life so far. Treat every thing (good and bad) as an experience, learn from it and do things better.
Anyone who is trying to destroy you is ultimately making a fool of themselves in the end. Do not take satification for their failure, it will destory you in the end. So Be Smart, not clever, and there is always a solution to every problem and last of all, Study well and be good to yourself and take care. We are here for you. A for U.

the_syco

limklad wrote:

I have a very insecure mother too

...

A for U.

And a for you too, for having the balls to say what you've just said, to allow the OP that it isn't "just them", and to give them solutions to their problems.

limklad

the_syco wrote:

And a for you too, for having the balls to say what you've just said, to allow the OP that it isn't "just them", and to give them solutions to their problems.

Thanks the_syco, I know what it is like i been in a abusive environment. I have been through a lot of trauma just like many others. If my mother had her way, I would have been working in a poor paying job (and be jobless now), giving her all the money, I would be fighting with many other people on her behalf, and suffering more manipulative abuse at her hands. That not a life I wanted!!.

Misticles - I never read the protection & barring order from your dad, it was late last night when i wrote my reply. How close are you with your dad or did he care about you? If your mother does not see the protection order or barring order as a reason to set her straight, then she will break the one or both orders, especially if she is revengeful.
My advice last night still stands. It is always your choice in how to live your life. It does matter how bad your mother is, you need to control yourself how you react, so you can live your dreams. It does not mean you cannot have feeling. If that was the case we all be robots, and that not fun is it!!
Take care of yourself.

Misticles

wow limklad!! always good to hear someone who was in the same boats story!! my dad always tells me not to rise to her!! always! but i cant!! be it her or any other person calling me awful names i refuse not to fight back!! its just the way i am! sas fr the orders shes broken both already and has been issued an adult caution... basically, she ****s up again shes kaputt!!! which ive heard all before and know its not gonna happen!! ans as i write this, guess who walks in the door with a bottle, well its not the dog anyways! :L
shes turned all of her children against her and i told her so last night!! i told her we hated her for what she is now! how dare i say that she says. one thing i will NOT do is pussyfoot around her!

Nevyn

Misticles have you considered counselling for yourself ?

There are al anon and al teen group meetings which are for people who have an alcholic family member and having to deal with how that impacts on your life.
There may even be a meeting in your college or close to it.
It maybe a help for your Dad to find a meeting for his own sake.

Al Anon Family Groups
Fellowship of men and women whose lives have been or are being affected by another person's compulsive drinking. Information Centre in Dublin. Holds meetings all over Ireland.

http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/Mental_Health_Services_Local.asp?NationalGroupID=16
Contact
Al Anon Family Groups
Al Anon Information Centre
5/6 Capel Street
Dublin 1

Helpline Number Weekends only 01 8732699
Phone 01 8732699

limklad

Misticles wrote:

one thing i will NOT do is pussyfoot around her!

I do not want you to pussyfoot around her or anyone, just ignore her bad behavior and lead your own life. To fight with her or with anyone is just causing more trouble for you. Keep your anger for the fight worth fighting (I.e. to get those lazy politications out of office, to fight for a better life) you can rise above that kind of behavior. People degrade you in order to rise you because they feel miserable themselves and then rise other to get a perverse kind of satisfaction. It takes a lot of energy from you.
It not worth letting those people get to you. I been through all that, I behave a lot like you at times. Since I stop, I just do not care what those abusive people say anymore. I just let the anger go. I later began to feel an inner calm and was able to get on living the life I wanted. You or anyone too can do this, or else you will be miserable to yourself and to others. You do not want that do you? It always your choice, what you do.

limklad

I'm currently look at RTE on "Flesh and Blood" Nuala O'Faolain own childhood about her traumatic childhood. She has a book out for some time. She too had an alcoholic mother. She is still affected today over it. Read her story, she did grow up in different times, but the trauma is still the same.

Are You Somebody?: The Accidental Memoir of a Dublin Woman (Paperback 1999)

ISBN-10: 0805056645
ISBN-13: 978-0805056648

Sangre

Ignore her like you'd ignore a small child throwing a tantrum, clearly she has the mentality of one (easier said then done).

limklad

Sangre wrote:

Ignore her like you'd ignore a small child throwing a tantrum, clearly she has the mentality of one (easier said then done).

ike many children, if you show that you do not respond to bad behavior and only good behavior to discuss what is the problem in a better environment, they will change. To do this you need to show them. It is attention seeking behavior.
There are many adults behaving in a emotional bad childish behavior, because they are emotional immature. My mother is 55+ and still behaving like a brat!! with a adult voice and working and doing things like any normal adult.
I have no problem with people enjoying themselves even in a child like manner. We all get non-perverse enjoyment out of it, because we can laugh with it, that the perverse at it. Laughing helps us all. Like most of us, it the bad behavior that hurts us, is the problem.
We cannot let our emotions take over and run our lives. Our emotions are signposts and should be treated as such. Bad behavior is not who we really are. If you were that child behaving badly, how would you like to be treated? What are your needs? Why did it start in the first place? It is easy to blame others for our problems and use it as an excuse for our own bad behavior and to justify hurting others. It is difficult to find the cause when we are not honest with ourselves and to others. I want you all, to think before acting, of consequences of our actions, for others will see you, and they interaction with you depends how you deal with any situation. You need to respect yourself first, so you can respect others and move forward for that better life. I want you to have that better life and enjoy life. We have a finite time here on earth, so Each day in our lives is an experience, and learn from it. Look at it from different perspectives, child, teenagers, adults, parents, school teachers, elderly etc. You be surprise what people love and hate. Everybody different as it should be. So enjoy.

limklad

Sangre wrote:

Ignore her like you'd ignore a small child throwing a tantrum, clearly she has the mentality of one (easier said then done).

Also there is more than one solution to every problem, You just have to look for it.