Scammer emails-Funnehs included! [Merged]

flann

Below is the funniest email exchange I've ever seen: a conversation between my friend Claire and some dopey scam artist. The scary thing is, the comments became increasingly personalised (e.g., references to Claire's red hair, and the fact that she lives in Dublin) and threatening, prompting her to chicken out and stop replying. Hilarious though. He even attached some photos to his second mail (with descriptions). I'm having trouble attaching them to this thread. I'll try again in a bit, because they are beyond mental.

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On 09/02/06, Kal Ik Mayzwan <kal.mayzwan@gmail.com > wrote:
Claire,

I hope that you are well, fire headed maiden of Ireland? Allow me to introduce myself. I am kal Ik Mayzwan. I served for two and twenty years as interior minister to the former dictator of Darfur, Omar Ballsara. When Mr. Ballsara was decapitated, burned and raped (you have fox news, yes?) in 2004, family of Ballsara requested for I to move his 8 wifes and 12 children to safety in Europe, using the accounts of Mr. Ballsara. Dutifully, I move his 7 wifes (naturally, I keep one for my own amusement and sex, ha ha, eh? eh, my friend?) and 12 children to Brazil, in Southern Europe, where they prosper to this day as humble lawyers and goat herders.

However, soon it becomes clear that a surplus is still in Mr. Ballsaras account after his family have flight from home. 705 trillion Darfurian Drachma (approx. 900,000 American Euro) remains firmly in deposit, and only I can relieve this money out of Darfur. Unfortunately, I need foreign help for this! All monies must be shipped to a foreign account, and this is where you, Claire, are lucky as golden camel. I will move all currency to your bank accounts, and for your work you shall receive 50% to keep, perhaps for drinking (you Irish, with shrivelled livers and drunken song, ha ha) and spending on your children and maybe recreational drugs, as well as groceries?

If you are argeeable, please reply to this mail favourabley. If not, I will hunt you down like pig, and you will be aquainted with my knife! Only kidding, ha ha, I am non-violent person. To dogs, yes, I kick, but to women, I only make sex, ha ha.

Sincerely,
Your servent,
Kal Ik Mayzwan

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On 2/10/06, Claire ****** < claire.*****@gmail.com > wrote:
Kal,

I'm intrigued and feel as lucky as a golden camel. Please tell me more.

Claire

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On 10/02/06, Kal Ik Mayzwan <kal.mayzwan@gmail.com > wrote:
Hi Claire,

Please, call me Kal Ik Mayzwan. Thank you in replying, and so quick!!! Indeed you are Golden Camel, galloping over the haypenny bridge, ha ha! I will provide information you for to read upon myself, and also upon the accounts transfer.

My life in Darfur before was most excellent! I spent many years in government civil service, doing service on tax and on revenue, before becoming chief of torture in 2002. My main duties were torture, and also administrtion tasks for the honorable Omar Ballsara. I enjoy my job, although I was not popular among my neigborhood after when my division did a student massacre in 2003. I do not enjoy violence, and asked to please move to finance, so i do not see student blood when my eyes are closed. In my position, I had very much money, and in money comes women, no? In those time, I had more sex than Ryan Tubridy, ha ha, and car, and house, and dogs, and guns. Please to see my pictures with my dogs in Darfur. The second dog (Krano, my baby) was shot by police for attacking a pram and baby in January 2004. Very sad day for me and my wife, because Krano was like my son, only with sharp teeth and always sh*tting in my bed, ha ha. I tell my wife, this is your sh*t in my bed? And she always scream NO, KRANOS SH*T. Ha ha.

Life was excellent, until civil war. Mr. Ballsara was killed also with my wife and girlfriend, and i must leave Darfur or be killed by Mr. Ballsaras enemies, and relatives of the dead students of massacre in 2003. I was very sad, because I love Dafur, and I have many women and dogs there, but to live, I must leave. I assist in Mr. Ballsaras family to fly to europe and also to get work and house for living, and I fly to ireland where my brother is major criminal. My brother is good in his heart, but a very dangerous man (is favourite friend is the claw hammer), and i do not like violence. With me in my bag i find my files and papers from Darfur, and it is now I see "hey, what is this, 1 account is not empty". All of this money I can recieve from Darfur, but only to foreign bank account. ANd this is for you to do Claire!!!

Can you sned me your bank account number, and maybe your password, and the banks name? After this, you will await my instructions on which way to go forward. When all the monies have been divided, perhaps we can have party with wine and friends, and maybe no clothes, ha ha! You like Darfur men, no? In my country they say, nigerian men have 2 legs, but in Darfur we have 3, you see? Ha ha.

Please reply as quickly again, or I hunt you down like a pygmy without genitals, ha ha,

Kal Ik Mayzwan

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On 2/13/06, Claire ****** < claire.*****@gmail.com > wrote:

Kal Ik Mayzwan,

This all seems very interesting but I do have some questions for you. Do you live in Ireland? You say in your mail that you flew into Ireland, if thats the case why don't you or didn't you open your own bank account? Why doesn't your brother open a bank account? That way you wouldn't have to divide up all this money to a stranger. It sounds a little bit suss to me.

Regards,
Claire

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On 13/02/06, Kal Ik Mayzwan <kal.mayzwan@gmail.com > wrote:

Claire,

please, I must insist in being called Kal Ik Mayzwan, my friend. In darfur, if a woman has misuse of a mans name, then she can have death by stones, providing she is already guilty of adultry or thiefing. It is of great insult to a man (especially for one who was born of importance) to have his name incorrectly said by a woman, homosexual man, or albino.

Your questions are shrewd, fair, but also very, very badly stupid, as if from a camals mind! Ilegal aliens, as my brother and me, can not establish relations with banks. How is it that I can walk into Bank of Dublin and say 'oh hello Mr. Bank of Dublin, i am ilegal in your country, please allow me to create ilegal accounts to make ilegal transfers received from Darfur. Please ignore that it is ilegal.' What is your f*cking thoughts Claire? Have you f*cking intelligence in your head claire? Are you f*cking idiot Claire? I dont think you are idiot, so explain then how you talk like as if your brain has need to find urgent repairs? Trying and open new accounts in ireland is the same as asking for death. Police would see me returned in Darfur on the same day, or morning. If I want death, why shoudl I not more simply remove my gentials with a large scissors and let my blood run out? For this, i dont need bank, only scissors and genitels, no? In both cases i will be dead.

i hope this is now clear for you, and why it must be a foreign account for all moeneys. You are good person claire, no doubt!!! i wish to make fast this transaction with you, because my money is almost gone. Last night i have only brocolli and jam for dinner. 1 day previously, i eat nothing except beetroot and rotting cheese, and i have only to drink beetroot water for 3 days now. This morning I try eattng some brilcreem, and i vomit all over my woman and her child.

My friend, let we talk now as friends, no? In this we are doing, both people will be so happy. For me, i will first buy food and rash cream, but subseqently will buy dogs and many woman. For you, perhaps you will also buy food and dogs, and maybe woman? Eh? Ha ha, you like woman Claire? Eh? Woman?

Enough talk of two woman sex (although, is a nice conversation, eh claire? Woman?), please send me your bank details claire, or if you are still confuzed, perhaps your mobile telephone number? it would be nice to allow you my own number, but unfortunately, my phone sits in darfur in my dead wifes hand. She was talking with phone to her mother when the enemies of Ballsara come smashing past the door and then shoot her in the face. Thanks to God that it was she talking on the phone and not me. Thanks to God that she is dead and not me. God is wise.

Sincrely,
Kal Ik Mayzwan

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On 2/14/06, Claire ****** < claire.*****@gmail.com > wrote:

Kal Ik Mayzwan,

If you are running from a civil war or a place where people are trying to kill you, then it usually means that you can get asylum in places like say Ireland. I'm sure if you tried with the authorities here you could easily plead your case and become an outstanding citizen of Ireland.

Why doesn't your brother take care of you and give you some food? If your brother is a major criminal then he must be totally loaded! Criminals here are all millionaires, you wouldn't even need the bit of money in the Darfurian bank account.

Its amazing that you spend all your money in an internet cafe when you don't even have any money for food. If I were you, I'd go with the food.

Regards,
Claire

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On 2/20/06, Kal Ik Mayzwan <kal.mayzwan@gmail.com > wrote:

Claire,

have you major problems in saying my name? Do i refer to your person as being claire durfey, or cloey moofey? Please, you must say my name as correct. I am losing patience on this issue, you f*cking clown.

Ooooh, asilum? Why could I not see this before? It is so clear, and for some reason I am not thinking on this? YOU F*CKING CLOWN. War criminals have not illigiblity for asilum. The honorable Omar Ballsara has many crimes on his name, and i share with his guilt in the laws eyes. A camal knows this. Even an idiot camal, with crossed eyes and half a mind, will tell you this. And yet, you speak as if you are not in this view, you idiot f*cking camal clown.

My brother, it is true, does possess many monies. This is not for me to approach him though. Very early when i arrive in dublin, i have sex with his wife, and also his daughter (not at the same time, ha ha), and this makes him furious! Now, I hide from his knife and his violence. He describes for me in emails how much pain he is to bring for me. He will do terrible things to my genitels. Terrible, awful things with knifes and sharp teethed dogs.

Lastly, i have not money for intenet cafes. I send messages from my womans computer. She is irish girl, and very, very ugly. I need her only for using of computers, sex, food, but i do not like to look at her or be near her. Her face makes my neck fill with vomit and my eyes fill with water. She has more hair for her chin than on a camals back. Truly, she is repulsive and stupid. With gods grace, perhaps she will die before too long.

I hope you are well claire. I saw you in the city center on this last weekend and you are hurrying, so i decide i am not saying hello. Sned me the bank details. I am losing some patience now.

Sincerely,

Kal Ik Mayzwan

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On 14/03/06, Kal Ik Mayzwan <kal.mayzwan@gmail.com > wrote:

Eh Claire? Eh?

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On 3/20/06, Kal Ik Mayzwan <kal.mayzwan@gmail.com> wrote:

enough tallking. Now it is for doing, not for tallking anymore.

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On 4/21/06, Kal Ik Mayzwan <kal.mayzwan@gmail.com> wrote:

Have you thinking I am forgotten Claire? I am forgeting nothing. Soon i will deal with you, on talbot street, when it is dark.

seamus

Looks like someone taking the piss tbh.

NotMe

Someone who knows her having a laugh is my guess.

looksee

How does that qualify as scary or funny or a scam?

The Gnome

seamus wrote:

Looks like someone taking the piss tbh.

Agreed. The emails are full of "Boratisms".

flann

Tough crowd.

It does seem likely that it's somebody she knows, but it all happened early last year (doesn't predate Borat the character, but does predate Borat the movie), and nobody ever owned up. She's still in the dark. I've attached (finally) the pictures that were attached to your man's second mail. His "dogs".

Guy:Incognito

flann wrote:

When Mr. Ballsara was decapitated, burned and raped (you have fox news, yes?) in 2004.

In that order? :eek:




Having said that, it would be the order I'd choose, given the option.:)

Rb

Lol, "American Euro"...

The Gnome

flann wrote:

Tough crowd.

It does seem likely that it's somebody she knows, but it all happened early last year (doesn't predate Borat the character, but does predate Borat the movie), and nobody ever owned up. She's still in the dark. I've attached (finally) the pictures that were attached to your man's second mail. His "dogs".

Hyena. Same pics.

Faith

Yup, that's somebody that knows her taking the piss. It's not even vaguely similar to a 419 scam! Whoever wrote the emails was trying far too hard.

scojones

I only read the first few lines. Firstly, Brazil is not in Southern Europe, and secondly "American Euro"... what the hell is that?

InFront

Those are hilarious:D , I read them all. Someone is messing an awful lot in work, thought they would get a much better response, theyre really well written!!

Rb

sjones wrote:

I only read the first few lines. Firstly, Brazil is not in Southern Europe, and secondly "American Euro"... what the hell is that?

Read the whole thing, its worth it. I only read the first few lines first time through but am glad I got through the lot, the man is hilarious.

I move his 7 wifes (naturally, I keep one for my own amusement and sex, ha ha, eh? eh, my friend?)

you shall receive 50% to keep, perhaps for drinking (you Irish, with shrivelled livers and drunken song, ha ha) and spending on your children and maybe recreational drugs, as well as groceries?

He hit the nail on the head there. Very funny guy, would be a valuable poster to Boards.

Cabaal

its a piss take to be honest,

poobum

flann wrote:

Tough crowd.

It does seem likely that it's somebody she knows, but it all happened early last year (doesn't predate Borat the character, but does predate Borat the movie), and nobody ever owned up. She's still in the dark. I've attached (finally) the pictures that were attached to your man's second mail. His "dogs".

not even same guy! look closely at the pictures!
and they arent dogs!

Black Swan

Scariest scam? Weapons of mass destruction claimed to be in Iraq by Bush used to get support of the US Congress for his war.

Funniest scam? Oh, there are several of these emails, many from Nigeria asking for you to supply your bank account number so that they can transfer millions of dollars to you.*









*That sounds funny to me, but what is scarey is the thought that there must be some fools out there who are actually supplying their bank account numbers, or these emails would eventually stop.

Cunny-Funt

very very funny and entertaining read, cheers for posting!!!

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Hahaha thats class, really well done too...

Dutchology

Good for a laugh, glad I read all the posts

CodeMonkey

That's not scary/funny and an obvious pisstake from someone she knows.

flann = Kal Ik Mayzwan right?

Naos

Did these emails really take place...

Look at the dates.

KTRIC

Mear wrote:

Did these emails really take place...

Look at the dates.

Well spotted, the dates make absolutely no sense.

Rhyme

Kal Ik Mayzwan wrote:

I move his 7 wifes (naturally, I keep one for my own amusement and sex, ha ha, eh? eh, my friend?)

Borat?

event

the dates are fine

his emails are sent initially on the 09/02

her reply is sent on the 10/02, its just that on hers its reversed. maybe one is american, they swap it around, dont they?

easily worked out

Naos

Not really - Wouldnt gmail swap them so the American see's 'America Dates' and the Irish see 'Irish Dates'.

Otherwise there would be far much confusion for people. Wouldnt make sense.

Edit: Story states Kal is in Ireland using an Irish womans computer...

flanger20002003

Very amusing indeed, if it was a friend winding her up he should take some credit for it!

AnonoBoy

Obviously a friend winding her up - if indeed these mails aren't just a fictional creation of Flan. And if it is real then you shouldn't have given your friend's name and possibly her email address out on boards.

From reading the mails it's very easy to get the girl's name.

Now to go stalk her on Bebo.

event

Mear wrote:

Not really - Wouldnt gmail swap them so the American see's 'America Dates' and the Irish see 'Irish Dates'.

Otherwise there would be far much confusion for people. Wouldnt make sense.

Edit: Story states Kal is in Ireland using an Irish womans computer...

no idea if it swaps them

but it does seem plausible if you change teh dates, as then they tally

though the story does seem to be a friend takin the mick

Rb

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Scariest scam? Weapons of mass destruction claimed to be in Iraq by Bush used to get support of the US Congress for his war.

Agreed...probably the most costly and destructive scam of all time too.

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Funniest scam? Oh, there are several of these emails, many from Nigeria asking for you to supply your bank account number so that they can transfer millions of dollars to you.*









*That sounds funny to me, but what is scarey is the thought that there must be some fools out there who are actually supplying their bank account numbers, or these emails would eventually stop.

Well, they wouldn't be doing it if there weren't people falling for it. I'd like to see the ratio of Americans to Non-Americans who've fell for it though!

Iirc they usually just say theres fees involved and that you must pay them, to get the money transferred. You hand over some cash and you don't hear from them again, apparently they make between $1,500 and $10,000 per scam but it seems the Nigerian authorities are really clamping down on it but I'm sure these people will find other ways of scamming people out of their money.

bohsman

http://www.419eater.com/ far better.

KamiKazi

neither funny nor scary tbh

Sierra Oscar

That is not scary...

johnny_ultimate

Very funny. Loved the bit about his brother's wife and daughter.
But as said many times clearly a joke. That, or the scammer is an unaware comedy genius.

Newaglish

I don't get it, we are supposed to think flann wrote this aren't we? It's just ridiculous really. I think believing this to be a true scam would be even more foolish than falling for the traditional Nigerian e-mail scam.

Tsk tsk!

dublinario

Flann, do you really expect us to buy this sh*t? Be a man. Come out and admit it's all a spoof. I'm calling you out. You c*nt. Admit it.

InFront

Why is anyone... at all... taking this seriously? This is obviously just a joke, and a very funny one. I seriously doubt the OP intended it any differently. Whoever wrote it deserves a pat on the back

mwrf

this guy is an expert at leading scammers on. There is some pics etc on the site.

http://www.whatsthebloodypoint.com/p2.php

Ruu_Old

dublinario wrote:

Flann, do you really expect us to buy this sh*t? Be a man. Come out and admit it's all a spoof. I'm calling you out. You c*nt. Admit it.

Careful now. ¬.¬

Good reading OP.:)

demanufactured

just recieved this in my email now lol.............


Dear... i need an urgent response from you,

I am the head of Accounts and Audit Department of Bank of Africa,
Ouagadougou .I decided to contact you after a careful thought that you may
be capable of handling this business transaction which i explained below;

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $10.5m US dollars (Ten
million, five hundred thousand US dollars). In an account that belongs to
one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in 1998 in
a plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been
expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot
release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the
deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt
that his supposed next of kin(his son and wife) died alongside with him at
the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim .It is therefore upon
this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to
make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next
of kin(We want to present you as his business associate )to the deceased for
safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we
don't want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained
Unclaimed after seven years, the money will be transferred into the Bank
treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this
business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a
Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner .We agree that 30% of
this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision
of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incurred during
the business and 60% would be for me and my colleagues. There after I and my
colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the
percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this
fund to your account as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as next
of kin of the deceased customer. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to
you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to
your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not
entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for
the transfer.

I would want you to respond to my email immediately you read it for more
details.

Hoping to hear from you immediately.
Yours faithfully,

Mr.Paul Soba.

Accounts & Audit Department,
Bank of Africa

Nb.also give me your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication with
you.






should i messs with them or send it on to soeone who deals with this sorta ****e

Ruu_Old

Threads merged since there are few of these coming up from time to time.

Give them your local Garda station number.

ODS

demanufactured wrote:

just recieved this in my email now lol.............
should i messs with them or send it on to soeone who deals with this sorta ****e

Wouldn't mess with them if they have your authentic address tbh... that said this might give you a few ideas - http://www.419eater.com/html/okorie.htm

:eek: