We give up too easily these days!!!

BoozyBabe

Ok, this is a bit of a rant, but I didn't want to hijack somone elses thread over in PI, so I thought I'd post it here.

Just wondering what your general feelings are on this, agree or disagree.

I have to laugh at times when I'm reading PI, at some of the advice given.

Practically always, the advice given is to dump the partner, regardless of how trivial the complaint is.

Like:- "My gf came home late from work today with no explanation"
Dump her, she's defo cheating on you.

"My bf has a text on his phone from no number"
Dump him, he's defo cheating on you.

"My gf was naked in the shower last night while my friends were downstairs watching tv with me"
Dump her, she's obviously an attention seeking wh0re & this will only escalate

"My bf kissed a girl yesterday. It was his sisters new born baby"
Dump him, age doesn't matter, cheating's cheating.

Is this how we've become?
Regardless how small the problem just give up & move on.

I know my examples are idiotic above, but somtimes in PI they're almost as idiotic, yet the same advice is given.

I passed no remarks at first, but the same advice is being handed out so frequently that I'm beginning to think it's no wonder divorce is becoming so common.

I feel we've just become such a 'throw-away' society that people don't want to work hard for anything anymore.

Your views please....

The Sweeper

I sort of agree, but I think that we've become such a critical society that as a race, our personal self-images are at an all time low.

It's a lack of confidence and poor self-image that creates the sort of paranoia and control issues that come out on PI.

That, and sometimes you should dump her because she's cheating on you.

kizzyr

I agree almost 100%. People seem to have forgotten that something worthwhile takes effort. Relationships aren't easy all of the time, they are hard work but if they are worth having then surely this is worth the effort. People seem to give up very easily. We, as a society, have also become very demanding in almost every way. To me some of these demands are almost childish and we feel that if enough money can be thrown at the problem then it should be fixed that way. Its sad really.

flanger20002003

I'd be inclined to disagree...yeah some people might give up more easily than others, but that's not to say society as a whole is less willing to work hard these days. I mean the so-called 'problems' people mention on PI aren't exactly a good indication of our ability to persevere in a job or in school. Maybe people are more sensitive to infidelity or maybe they're less trusting...

The Hill Billy

That's a harsh accusation to be making against the PI posters. You really should back up your claim with links to a few posts for a start.

Granted, there are a few who post there whose advice is dubious to say the least. But your sweeping statement is wholly incorrect when you consider the time & effort put into that Forum by the likes of Beruthiel, Thaedydal, Gordon, Victor, marksuttonie & a host of others.

In a certain respect you are right in saying that Irish society is becoming more "throw away" in terms of relationships.

Just a thought - You may find that the lads & lassies in Humanities would give you a better response to your question.

flanger20002003

Point well taken, apologies to anyone offended!

connundrum

Hill Billy wrote:

Granted, there are a few who post there whose advice is dubious to say the least. But your sweeping statement is wholly incorrect when you consider the time & effort put into that Forum by the likes of Beruthiel, Thaedydal, Gordon, Victor, marksuttonie & a host of others.

The majority of which are mods, who are considered to be rather wise (according to a recent poll), and who tend to give detailed answers to most topics, not just PI. I will agree that a lot of people are just acting the eejit by immediately spewing out the 'Dump her, she's obviously a sult', but I can see it in everyday life where people - especially younger people - tend to be very disposable about everything.

As mentioned before, it would seem to be a huge defense machanism that has been employed by nearly everyone. Take the example in a night club -

Girl - Hey, how would ya feel if I kissed you?
Boy - No, I'd rather not thanks..
Girl - Yeah, well you're only gay anyhow!
Boy -

I see the same thing in PI, people just don't want to work for a result anymore. If you're having problems with the missus - talk to her FFS. But then, its far easier to dump someone than have to actually talk to them and discover what might actually be going on.

Iago

You're overexaggerating for effect.

The fact remains that if people are worried/annoyed/upset enough to post on a bulletin board about their issue then that's a problem in their relationship. The posts are rarely along the lines of "well I wanted toast before work and she wouldn't make it for me, so do you really think there's a future there?" mostly they are about peoples insecurities and people who aren't willing to change or adapt for their partner.

Relationships are hard work, with a lot of ups and downs. When it's the right relationship it's still as much hard work, it just doesn't seem that way. When it's the wrong relationship people stay in for far too long. They don't want to be seen as failures, or as quitters. So what tends to happen is it all builds up until one massive argument and then one party breaks down, the other rushes to comfort them and they promise that they will try harder moving forward and be more considerate etc.

It all goes fine for a couple of months, because neither of them is being true to themselves, they are operating in hypher sensitivity mode, doing things out of the normal in order to make it work. So you get the internal build up of frustration and irritation again, until one massive argument and then one party breaks down, the other rushes to comfort them and they promise that they will try harder moving forward and be more considerate etc.

and round and round we go, rinse and repeat. Both parties know that it's not working, and yet both struggle through not wanting to be the one that gave up.

If something doesn't feel right, it's not right. If your partner is disrespecting you now, what makes you think that will change? and why would you want to give them that chance?

Why settle for 2nd best, hoping that somehow things will work out and with the right amount of convesation and time people will change?

When you meet the right person, you can be yourself, and they can be themselves, and while you'll argue and row occasionally there's always respect and the feeling that you want everything to be ok for them.

That's worth fighting for, very few of the relationships mentioned in PI fall into that category, maybe that's why the normal route of advice is break up.

The Sweeper

I don't think people don't realise that talking is a sure fire way to sort something out.

I think they're so confused these days that they can't tell in their own mind whether or not the behaviour of the partner that is annoying them would generally be considered to be acceptable.

My opinion is that most posts on PI are people looking for validation of their own feelings before they start on their partner.

Trinity

I see where you are coming from and i just skip by the ones saying 'dump her' and not back up their advice, if only it was as easy as all that.

However, the main thing to remember in relationships is that if they are upsetting you, its bad. If its affecting your life, its worse.

I dont recall at my time in PI anyone telling anyone to break up a marriage or a family. What i mean by that is a lot of people that post are quite young or they are fairly new relationships and if its that bad at the beginning well we only can imagine how that will go from there.

Sometimes its good to get an outsiders point of view and naturally thats why they post to begin with, i've posted unregged myself and have gotten some very wise advice.

However i do find that if its the poster themselves being paranoid or acting the maggot, there is no hesitation in telling them that seems to be the case. Some people have gotten a right bollicking

In other words i think most of the advice is fair and well thought out, and you can usually tell by the lenght of the posts i.e. Beruthial, Thae to name just a few back up their opinions and its obvious some thought went into the reply unlike the 'dump her' replies that i would just ignore

A lot of the time the people that post are being disrespected or not being treated properly by their bf/gf...

Sometimes you can spend years working on something that just cannot be fixed.

BoozyBabe

Oh, don't get me wrong!
There's some very good advice being handed out on PI & I mean no disrespect to those who put alot of thought & effort into their replies.

I've gotten very good advice on there myself on different occasions.

But it's just in most threads you read now, regardless of how mild the offence, there are plenty of people shouting the "dump" word.

Maybe they're just stirring, but maybe they're not, & that got me wondering is that how our attitudes are changing.

There's a thread on PI at the minute (Ass grabbing gf). The gf grabbed someones bum while more than likely thinking her bf wasn't looking.
I agree I'd be very hurt by this & it's not a nice thing.
But 4 out of the first 5 replies was "Dump her", no mention of having a chat first. That I think is wrong, & that's what I'm getting at.

I've also posted several things in the past. Minor issues, but upsetting for me all the same. Never was there a possibility of me dumping my partner, nor was there ever a reason to, but the amt of times that was the advice given to me was unreal, & no matter how many times I fully explained myself & stating it wasn't a dumping offence, I was corrected over & over again.
That also got me worried.

However, I've also been on the other side. Staying in relationships far too long, when they had no future, so I understand the point of sometimes things just can't be saved no matter how much time you give them.

Thanks for your input, it's very interesting.

Faith

I agree with you, BoozyBabe. Not just about the responses in PI (which could be automatically generated by some posters, or so it seems), but the world in general. With divorce becoming so common, people are less and less inclined to try and work out their problems. Instead, they just file for divorce.

My parents, for example, haven't had the easiest marriage. There was no cheating or anything, but my Dad isn't the most pleasant person in the world at times. He can be difficult and, on occasion, my mum told me that she was seriously considering leaving him. I think she had good grounds for leaving him at least twice, but in the end, she hung in there and they worked through things.

I have so many friends who break up with their girlfriends or boyfriends over the smallest thing, and then they can't understand why they can't find a long term relationship. I really do agree that people are no longer willing to work through things. In this era of instant gratification, people are willing to just trade in what they have in the belief that they'll easily get a better model. Everyone and everything is disposable.

racso1975

My gf was naked in the shower last night while my friends were downstairs watching tv with me"
Dump her, she's obviously an attention seeking wh0re & this will only escalate

"My bf kissed a girl yesterday. It was his sisters new born baby"
Dump him, age doesn't matter, cheating's cheating.

LMAO such classics

Marksie

Faith wrote:

I have so many friends who break up with their girlfriends or boyfriends over the smallest thing, and then they can't understand why they can't find a long term relationship.

I think there is a strong element of truth in what you say there Faith. It is much easier to jack one relationship in at the slightest hint of problems.

So from that context it may be that the advice coming from those posters is genuine and all they know...dump him/her.

We also don't know their respective ages. It may be that the more considered replies coming from people with more life experience/ life styles who can see beyond things, are less judgemental of others .. perhaps seeing things that have either occurred or they recognised within themselves.

Whichever, the dump advice should be considered as valid as any other where it is meant in honesty. But advice is advise, it is there to be ignored or taken.
one would hope that it is not like family fortunes where at the end of the day you choose the most popular
"and our survey said...dump him 34%" me-mah

EDIT: last week one poster wanted PI closed down and mods banned because of giving bad advice etc. This poster quoted in feedback examples of advice he/she saw as bad to back up the argument, it was interesting that some of the bad advice the little so-and-so had posted themselves. Sorry just threw that in as a rant, but would hate to see this thread hijacked by a similar moron

Sangre

A sign of a throw-away society or a sign that we are now more willing to demand what we want? We won't settle, we won't accept second best. Only the best partners will do for us. Is that really that bad?

It could also be a sign that monogomous life partners are a relic of a dated, sexist age where there was no equal partnership.

Cake Fiend

I started to type up a reply to this, but then I realized it would be too much effort...

cornbb

I was just thinking the same thing after reading the ass-grab thread BoozyBabe. There is some great advice on PI and I know it does help a lot of people to get their heads checked, but there's a lesser amount of dubious crappy advice too, some of which could end up giving the poster a sense of paranoia and suspicion which wasn't present before.

vorbis

Sangre wrote:

A sign of a throw-away society or a sign that we are now more willing to demand what we want? We won't settle, we won't accept second best. Only the best partners will do for us. Is that really that bad?

It could also be a sign that monogomous life partners are a relic of a dated, sexist age where there was no equal partnership.

Thats a fair point, but I think most people at some point want to settle down with someone. The problem I think comes from American culture. i live in Boston atm and there's a definite "If everything isn't perfect, its not meant to be" approach to dating. Us irish are still more tolerant of a person's faults but we are heading in the direction of America.

Angeles

I'd agree with some of this, we do generally give up too easily but there's ample reasoning behind it.
Just how society has gone, were all extremely spoiled for choice in both partner and career, which in turn often clash and have taken us down a path which doesn't leave time for dealing with the little hassle's.

"Plenty more fish in the sea"
This has become a very very common phrase in the past few years; perhaps that throws a bit of meaning behind allot of people's actions and responses.
Many others find career's enough hassles that they want it easy in the relationship side of things and don't wish to handle the additional hassle and complexities that come with a relationship and getting it to work.

There are Many reasons I think, still though, there are still some out there who believe in focusing a lot of time into making relationship.
But in essence while the ability to choose and demand is so high, the options to change "in this case, partners" will be sitting on the hi-stool, to which these responses are more likely to show up in kind.

That being said though, you must also look at the PI forums and relize most are likely coming for the courage to confront a relationship problem, you'll find some of the posters already have an agenda on how to deal with it, and come here for support or disagreement on weather their agenda should be taken.

Example would be the "ass-grabber"
We can only presume the poster is upset and doesn't know how to deal with the action, should he be concerned or not?
The replies will answer on this with a yes you should be or not at all.
If being concerned is the general consensus, then why not dump? As there are "plenty more fish in the sea".

It in turn is not exactly BAD advice; just advice based on current social demand.
Some agree, others do not, all comes down to you own mind on it though.

Black Swan

BoozyBabe wrote:

But it's just in most threads you read now, regardless of how mild the offence, there are plenty of people shouting the "dump" word.

Well, advice is like anything else we encounter in the real world. You have to sort the seeds from the chaff? But to suggest that "We give up too easily these days," then cite PI as your souce, might be problematic? Do PI posters represent a statistically significant sample of Irish society? I would think not. They are what you call a convenience sample, which can only be used to examine PI posters, not society.