Relationship Difficulties

Maryan

I have been adopted and met my birth mother about 14 years ago. We started very slowly and then we developped a quite good and sometimes even close relationship, which deteriorated during the last two or three years and I am not sure if it makes sense to keep it up.

I was not very lucky with my adoption family and I don´t have any contact to them anymore. I hadn´t been told about the adoption, but found out by myself after we had already parted.

holly_johnson

I think it's very sad that you didn't know you were adopted. It's a very simple thing to tell a child - I was told when I was very young using bedtime stories and I always felt really special as a result.

But, people make their choices feeling they are making the right decision at the time for themsleves and their children.

I know what you went through finding out like that - a friend found out only when she went to get her birth cert. It's not a very nice surprise and left her feeling very bitter as a result.

I'm sorry that you aren't getting on so well with your birth mother at the moment. The one thing to remember is that she is basically a stranger when you first meet. You don't really have anything in common, as you have lived separate lives for 18 or so years. I found when I met my natural mother that she was the complete opposite to me; different interests, sense of humour, mannerisms etc. It is hard work at the start, but if you are both willing to be in it for the long haul, things can work out better as time goes by. It didn't in my case, as I am sure it doesn't for a lot of people, but at least I can say I gave it my best shot and I have no regrets.

If you are thinking about severing ties, make sure that you can look back at it in times to come and say the same.

Best of luck.

Maryan

When I found my mother, we had to find out that we are having a lot in common, like similar interests, books about the same topics in the shelf and in parts even the same occupation. She is still in a state of denial and lately she seems to withdraw from me and as a consequence that's what I am doing as well.

I don´t regret at all to have met her and I would do it again. It is an illusion to expect a mother-daughter-relationship, but I thought we could be friends, which doesn´t seem to work out on the long run.

holly_johnson

Maryan wrote:

When I found my mother, we had to find out that we are having a lot in common, like similar interests, books about the same topics in the shelf and in parts even the same occupation. She is still in a state of denial and lately she seems to withdraw from me and as a consequence that's what I am doing as well.

I don´t regret at all to have met her and I would do it again. It is an illusion to expect a mother-daughter-relationship, but I thought we could be friends, which doesn´t seem to work out on the long run.

That's a shame, as it sounds like you could have a good relationship if she was more accepting. One thing I will say is that my natural mother found it a great shock when I first made contact. She said she never thought I would want anything to do with her as she felt she abandoned me and that I would feel the same.
I suppose in a way we adopted children are more comfortable with it as we are aware of our situation and think about it for a long time before we attempt to make contact, whereas for the mother it usually comes out of the blue and this may cause feelings of anxiety and unworthiness.
Maybe she just needs time to come to terms with her new situation. I'm not saying let her call all the shots, as I can understand how you must feel about it all, but it all depends on how much you want a relationship with her.

I agree with the friends idea not really working out, my relationship was the same. I think all you can hope for is to be a part of each others lives and to build upon that every time you meet.

Maryan

holly_johnson wrote:

That's a shame, as it sounds like you could have a good relationship if she was more accepting. One thing I will say is that my natural mother found it a great shock when I first made contact. She said she never thought I would want anything to do with her as she felt she abandoned me and that I would feel the same.
I suppose in a way we adopted children are more comfortable with it as we are aware of our situation and think about it for a long time before we attempt to make contact, whereas for the mother it usually comes out of the blue and this may cause feelings of anxiety and unworthiness.
Maybe she just needs time to come to terms with her new situation. I'm not saying let her call all the shots, as I can understand how you must feel about it all, but it all depends on how much you want a relationship with her.

I agree with the friends idea not really working out, my relationship was the same. I think all you can hope for is to be a part of each others lives and to build upon that every time you meet.

My mother reacted very well, when she got my first letter. She said that it didn´t come completely unexpected.

She had a lot of time to come to terms because we met about 12 years ago for the first time. It had always been me who had to keep up the contact, but she had usually been responsive. I had stayed at her place for several days and we were fine. Lately she withdrew and I am tired to go after her all the time. I feel that the bond isn´t close enough to put more energy into this relationship. On the other hand I don't feel like letting go entirely.

holly_johnson

Maryan wrote:

My mother reacted very well, when she got my first letter. She said that it didn´t come completely unexpected.

She had a lot of time to come to terms because we met about 12 years ago for the first time. It had always been me who had to keep up the contact, but she had usually been responsive. I had stayed at her place for several days and we were fine. Lately she withdrew and I am tired to go after her all the time. I feel that the bond isn´t close enough to put more energy into this relationship. On the other hand I don't feel like letting go entirely.

I moved these posts to a new thread to avoid the Introduce Yourself thread getting clogged up.

I didn't realise that you had been meeting for such a long time. That makes all of the difference.
I can understand that you feel weary from doing all the work in the relationship and maybe a short break is not a bad idea. I would advise that you explain your feelings to her; and maybe suggest meeting up again in 3 months or so. That should give her time to figure out what she really wants as well as making sure that you are not abandoning the relationship and letting go.
Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel; she may be so caught up in her own problems that she doesn't realise how you feel and it might come as a surprise to her to learn that you are upset.

Maryan

It's more complicated than that. She doesn´t live near me, but 500 km away. It's two years that we met last time. She has been staying in our house twice, but doesn't want to visit again. We keep in touch by phone, but it's usually me who must call.

I might tell her one day that her attitude upsets me. I really don´t have much to lose.

I know that she has problems, but lately she doesn't open up to me a bit. She went through heavy depressions and I am worried that she is ill again, but it's impossible to tell from the distance.

holly_johnson

Maryan wrote:

It's more complicated than that. She doesn´t live near me, but 500 km away. It's two years that we met last time. She has been staying in our house twice, but doesn't want to visit again. We keep in touch by phone, but it's usually me who must call.

I might tell her one day that her attitude upsets me. I really don´t have much to lose.

I know that she has problems, but lately she doesn't open up to me a bit. She went through heavy depressions and I am worried that she is ill again, but it's impossible to tell from the distance.

That is a difficult situation. I feel for you. I can understand how hard it is to keep going with someone who doesn't seem interested in meeting you half way. Depression is a hard thing to deal with, my adopted mother suffers with it too, and it can sometimes feel like they are wrapped up in themselves and not bothered about the people around them who care about them. That is just a symptom of the illness I think.

The distance is a big factor too. It's hard to judge what someone is feeling over the phone and also to get your point across tactfully. If it were me, I would perhaps send a letter to her that she can read and reflect on over time, explaining how you feel and that you would like to keep up the relationship, but that you are finding it increasingly difficult due to her lack of responsiveness.
It's hard to know what to advise, as I don't want to influence you into doing something that may damage your already fragile relationship with her.

Maryan

holly_johnson wrote:

That is a difficult situation. I feel for you. I can understand how hard it is to keep going with someone who doesn't seem interested in meeting you half way. Depression is a hard thing to deal with, my adopted mother suffers with it too, and it can sometimes feel like they are wrapped up in themselves and not bothered about the people around them who care about them. That is just a symptom of the illness I think.

The distance is a big factor too. It's hard to judge what someone is feeling over the phone and also to get your point across tactfully. If it were me, I would perhaps send a letter to her that she can read and reflect on over time, explaining how you feel and that you would like to keep up the relationship, but that you are finding it increasingly difficult due to her lack of responsiveness.
It's hard to know what to advise, as I don't want to influence you into doing something that may damage your already fragile relationship with her.

I never know which part of her attitude must be blamed on her illness and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I really appreciate your advise. It's always helpful to get different views because there are always aspects you just can´t see yourself. A letter might be an option to let her know that she makes me feel insecure. I can´t do it on the phone.