Appropiate behaviour ?

IrishMike

Ok heres my situation
Goin out with my g/f for 8 months, madly in love and its mutual
The thing is she has 3 or 4 friends and they all head out most weeks or maybe every second week
She likes to drink (dont we all) but when she drinks she becomes extremely flirty
Now she assures me nothing would ever happen but she likes attention from other fellas
We usually tell each other everything and when she was telling me she spent
the nite talking to a guy who i know to see and she "didnt have to buy a drink
all nite" i became pretty upset. She said nothing happened but that he did try
and kiss her. This isnt the first time that she has told me that she basically
flirted all nite with a guy but she sees absolutly nothing wrong with it
I on the other hand feel hurt that she would crave some other guys attention
I can honestly say i couldnt give a **** if a page 3 model chatted me up i
would have no interest whatsoever in her
She is insecure about how she looks so i can understand that it makes her
feel good about herself but it still just doesnt seem right to me
Am i being paranoid or is she going 2 far?
I dont want to say when you go out you are not to talk to guys! as that is
not what i want at all. But the fact that sometimes she even denies she
has a boyfriend as "they wont bother talking to you if you say that" makes
me worry

dodgyme

Get ridda her!

hunnymonster

I may be a bit hard hearted but I think you GF should not get to take her body issues out on other people. That means you and they guys she is leading on. There is nothing wrong with flirting so long as everyone knows where they stand and noone is getting hurt.

In this case it you are not happy with the situation and she should be considerate of that. If she's not you need to decide if you can tolerate it or not?

By the same token, I find it extremely rude that is is letting someone else sponsor her entire night out. I often buy someone a drink or let them buy me one but to ask someone to put their hand in their poscket for the entire night is wrong imo.

Beruthiel

IrishMike wrote:

Now she assures me nothing would ever happen but she likes attention from other fellas

Did you ask her why she needs this?

she was telling me she spent
the nite talking to a guy who i know to see and she "didnt have to buy a drink

I personally have a big problem with this.
OK, more the fool he for buying her drinks all night in the first place.
But a girl who thinks this is perfectly acceptable needs a talking to.
Us women expect to be treated as equals and then you have girls like this who think it's quite alright to have blokes buy them drinks all night out of the goodness of their hearts. :rolleyes:
Where is her self respect?
I don't know many blokes who will buy your drink for you all night unless they are a pretty good mate and know you don't have enough money on you that night.
Nothing in life is for free, and from strangers, this is most certainly true.

She said nothing happened but that he did try
and kiss her.

Wow, what a surprise.

But the fact that sometimes she even denies she
has a boyfriend as "they wont bother talking to you if you say that" makes
me worry

It should. It would worry me.
Now, I can be a bit of a flirt myself with a few drinks on. But anyone I flirt with knows about the b/f and knows it's just messin'. Nothing can be misunderstood there.
Talk to her, though if she cannot see the harm in it, then you may have your work cut out for you.

Trinity

I dont find this appropriate behaviour for a girl who is madly in love.

there is nothing wrong with a good night out with the girls and yes of course you chat to people but spending the entire evening in the company of another man and he buying her drinks all night so much so that she didnt put her hand in her pocket (tut tut tbh) and then trying to kiss her - well what did she expect to happen?

Sounds more like a date than a girls nite out. And what did her friends think of her sat there with a bloke all night. If i did that to my friends they'd be annoyed and rightly so.

And before anyone cuts in with the moral issues of 'we dont owe men anything cos they buy us a drink' - no we dont owe them anything but that doesnt mean they wont try it on after spending the evening chatting with us and spending god knows how much on booze!

Its possible he got the wrong idea - well i would anyway!

Edited - i hadnt seen the last line about her denying she has a fella - ALARM BELLS!!!!!!!

If she is in love she will be secure enough with the knowledge that you love her. SHe will not need attention from other guys (some is nice but not so much that you NEED to have it and are willing to lie about your personal circumstances)

is it that she wants free drinks from guys all night?

I'm sorry to be blunt but thats messed up!

Kell

IrishMike wrote:

She is insecure about how she looks so i can understand that it makes her feel good about herself but it still just doesnt seem right to me

Fúck her out on her áss. I had an ex who had similar issues and again would occasionally quote "didnt have to buy a drink all night". Not sure if anything did happen with these radomers but I have sneaky suspicions.

Besides that, she's not being terribly loyal to you by denying the fact you exist is she? Its only 8 months. Write it off as a learning curve of behaviour you will not accept going forward.

K-

BoozyBabe

That's just wrong!
You're right to be concerned.

I'm going out with my bf 15 months & we're madly in love.
I want everyone to know how in love we are & how wonderful he is & I prob go on about him too much so I find myself biting my lip sometimes trying to keep it in.

I'm a bit self conscious about my looks also & sometimes feel that noone would give me a second look, so getting attention is nice.

I do generally get a bit of attention most nights I go out & quite often get the offer of drinks being bought for me, but I ALWAYS refuse. I don't feel it's fair a stranger forking out for me when I know nothing's gonna happen.

I'm always polite & continue talking to them, because most of the time their genuinely nice guys. But I ALWAYS let them know that the brush off is not down to them, but because I've the most wonderful boyfriend, & when the pleasantries are over I leave.

Also because I'm so madly in love with my bf, I find I don't spend near enough time with my friends, because I enjoy spending my time with him so much.

Too much of what you said sound so extremely opposite to what I'm going through & because we're both in relatively new relationships & are so madly in love with our partners, I think you're right to be hearing alarm bells!!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

On this occasion she probably wasn't too interested in the guy, if she liked him more she probably would have stayed in his. You sound like a back up to me.

However I could be wrong - she might be trying to make you jealous (which raises a lot more issues) If this is the case becoming upset is exactly what she wants but she will get bored of it- Maybe next time just act like you don;t care & change the topic to sometihng trivial. Her reaction will give you more information

You say it's an 8mth madly in love relationship? Reckon it's past the intense infatuation stage & she's possibly bored with you?

Girls who crave this sort of attention are always pathetic - I wouldn't lose much sleep over it

LundiMardi

She's a prick teaser, unfortunately one of these nights she'll meet a guy who won't appreciate her hanging out of his wallet for the night if he gets nothing in return. I think you see what i'm getting at here.

For someone who craves so much attention i would wonder whether or not she's kissed any of these guys for a drink or two.

Personally, i would dump her for being such a moron.

IrishMike

Dump her is a bit extreme
Its also very easy to say when you are not in the situation
The girl does love me this i know for sure but i dont really know about this behaviour
She was in a serious 2and a half year relationship before we started going out
There was about 5 months of a gap in between which at the beginning made me very uneasy but she assured me she was over it
we are happy otherwise blissfully happy but this really bugs me tbh

Trinity

IrishMike wrote:

Dump her is a bit extreme
Its also very easy to say when you are not in the situation
The girl does love me this i know for sure but i dont really know about this behaviour
She was in a serious 2and a half year relationship before we started going out
There was about 5 months of a gap in between which at the beginning made me very uneasy but she assured me she was over it
we are happy otherwise blissfully happy but this really bugs me tbh

Yes its easy to say Mike but its also easier to see from the outside.

What would you say to your best friend/brother if they were in your shoes?

If i was blissfully happy i wouldnt be hanging outta other guys for a supply of drinks.

Imagine you were the guy she was talking to all night, buying her drinks, what would you think of her?

More importantly is this a regular occurance? Why does she care if guys talk to her so much so that she will deny your existence, you she is blissfully happy with dont exist when shes on a night out so she can have some attention. Can she not talk, dance, laugh drink with her friends whom she has gone out with??

Why she tells you i dont know, its a strange one.

Whats important here is that you are upset - you have to tell her and if she doesnt understand why then perhaps she is just too immature or self asborbed to be in a relationship. She probably hasnt had enough freedom after her last long term relationship.

IrishMike

Thanks for all the inputs appreciate it
Just an update, had a good hour long conversation with her tonight
At the start she just brushed it off saying that all girls flirt
But by the end when i told her exactly what she was doing and how
it made me feel she was practically in tears and so apologetic
She swears nothing ever happened nor would anything ever happen and i do
believe her, when i asked her what it would feel like if i was telling her
the stories she was telling me i think it really opened her eyes.
Happy and hopefull for the future
thanks for all the inputs, was really helpful
Mike

LundiMardi

Either she'll stop from now on, or just won't tell you from now on.

easyontheeye

i admire your in enthusiasm...chances are she is so used to flirting she will find it hard to stop. seriously why is she flirting? is having a bf not enough for her? does she enjoy men trying to kiss her? does it make her feel nice? wtf!!

IrishMike

basically easyontheeye yes thats pretty much it in a nutshell
Makes her feel "good looking" for want of a better phrase
why on earth me telling her isnt enough ill never know but thats probably
an entirely new thread

easyontheeye

ok thats fair enough and if you feel she will stop and believe her well then i am not going to run her down on that. But the one thing that sticks out for me is that "she needs to flirt to make her feel good looking etc" and that she is insecure. thats pretty heavy stuff, i wouldnt expect her just to turn it off like a tap. Id say you will be revisiting this again ... why are women so bloody complicated :rolleyes:

easyontheeye

p.s. leading a man on all night letting him buy her drink then walk away....i wouldnt feel comfortable knowing my girlfriend was doing that. there are alot of lunatics out there that wouldnt take kindly to that

King of Kings

dump her. I know from experience that you'd be mad to trust her,.

Steyr

Perhaps you should spy on her one night to see just what she is playing at? I know i would.

IrishMike

Theres a lot of deeply paranoid people here
Is it not right that i give her the benefit of the doubt?
And spying on her? Im not exactly james bond and what would that accomplish?
I want the girl to be honest with me, i will find out either way if she was with
someone else so i have to trust her or else there really is no point
And can i also say that she is normally pretty shy and it just happens when
she is drunk that she gets "dutch courage" as they say
Breaking up with someone for flirting is maddness IMHO

Sleepy

Just a word of warning to any girl who might read this and recognise some of herself in the OP's girlfriend. It's horribly wrong but acting in that fashion makes you far, far more likely to be raped by some scumbag who doesn't take kindly to being 'prick-teased'. Flirting with someone to get free drink might seem like a harmless giggle but at best you're taking advantage of someone and at worst you could be taken advantage of in a grotesque way.

IrishMike

IrishMike wrote:

Theres a lot of deeply paranoid people here
Is it not right that i give her the benefit of the doubt?
And spying on her? Im not exactly james bond and what would that accomplish?
I want the girl to be honest with me, i will find out either way if she was with
someone else so i have to trust her or else there really is no point
And can i also say that she is normally pretty shy and it just happens when
she is drunk that she gets "dutch courage" as they say
Breaking up with someone for flirting is maddness IMHO

Yes well, there's flirting and then there's getting free drink from one guy all night...

Dutchology

"The benefit of the doubt" can be your greatest downfall. I would expect to be dumped if I was flirting, drinking and denying my man's existence. I have serious insecurities with my appearance, yet this does not cause me to act in the way your girlfriend has. I do receive male attention when I am out, but whether my fiancee is there or not, I do not drink with these men, constantly flirt with them or deny his existence. In fact, being in love with him, being with him and being happy, I can't help but let everyone know how much I love him, how happy I am, how great he is.

Despite all of this, if both you and her are determined to give this another go, by all means do so, who are any of us to tell you not to? Simply be aware, cautious, and don't let yourself be fooled if you don't hear any more of these stories from her, as she may simply not be telling you anymore. This does not give reasonable cause to "spying on her" when she's out, as this will cause more problems if you are caught.

Take care.

Angeles

IrishMike wrote:

Theres a lot of deeply paranoid people here
Is it not right that i give her the benefit of the doubt?
And spying on her? Im not exactly james bond and what would that accomplish?
I want the girl to be honest with me, i will find out either way if she was with
someone else so i have to trust her or else there really is no point
And can i also say that she is normally pretty shy and it just happens when
she is drunk that she gets "dutch courage" as they say
Breaking up with someone for flirting is maddness IMHO

I don't think there's paranoia in reacting to whats lieing directly infrount of you.

I went out with a girl like this once and it was not a nice experience as it leads to alot of mis-trust and decieption.
I wouldn't personally have to been looking at the drunken flirting as a big big problem,
But the fact she's telling people that she does not have a boyfriend to get things from other men??? This in my eyes would be a HUGE problem that would instantly lead to alot of questions, if not enough reason for a dump.

Thing is i don't mind women flirting to enjoy the night, its actully healthy, but once they are not mis-leading to those they are flirting with and by telling them she's single is the case, ontop of not respecting you for being her "hunk" who she returns too.

Trinity

Sorry Mike if replies seem insensitive of course you do not want to dump her, your madly in love.

Your question was, is this appropriate behaviour, and imho its not. It appears most of the replies are saying the same.

However we dont know your girlfriend like you do.

So now you have our opinion thats its not appropriate, you have to ask yourself is it acceptable behaviour to you.

While you must have trust in a relationship, you cant be blinkered either. I am not suggesting you dump her for it or that she has ever been unfaithful, i am just saying that its not appropriate for a woman in love and i would be very very weary of someone that was madly in love with me yet denied my existance so as to ensure attention from complete strangers of the opposite sex.

Hopefully things will change for you now after your chat. But dont doubt yourself, if something feels not quite right then it generally isnt.

Its what you feel is appropriate and acceptable in your relationships that matter, when we have read and posted on the threads we walk away, your left with problem.

best of luck anyway.

IrishMike

Trinity you should get your own column in a Sunday paper
Good advice and of course i will take it on board
Its hard to know who to turn to and who to ask about a situation like this and i
do appreciate all of the unbiased replies
She phoned me again this evening and told me she had spent half the nite
thinking about this and not sleeping and that she really does more than see
how i would have a problem with this. I hope that will be the end of it. I dont
mind her being flirty to be honest but when someone tries to kiss you then
you are being more than flirty, u are normally sending signals that this is
what you want and that i have a huge problem with. Its also unacceptable
that she would accept gifts from other men even if they were as small as
a simple drink. Whats ok when you are single is not always ok when you are
in a serious relationship and this more than falls in that category
Will see how it goes from here but im not a fool nor am i blind
If there are more "signs" as someone said of this sorta behaviour then
maybe she really isnt the girl for me

Oh and to the poster that keeps mentioning rape i really dont know where
that is coming from to be honest

LundiMardi

IrishMike wrote:

Oh and to the poster that keeps mentioning rape i really dont know where
that is coming from to be honest

I thought it was fairly obvious.

limklad

IrishMike wrote:

At the start she just brushed it off saying that all girls flirt
But by the end when i told her exactly what she was doing and how
it made me feel she was practically in tears and so apologetic
She swears nothing ever happened nor would anything ever happen and i do
believe her, when i asked her what it would feel like if i was telling her
the stories she was telling me i think it really opened her eyes.
Happy and hopefull for the future
thanks for all the inputs, was really helpful
Mike

IrishMike , I will paint a picture for you and it is not pretty.
She denies reasonability for her actions by using the excuse that other girls do the same. Come on what planet are you on?
She then used emotional blackmail on you (tears, oldest trick in the book) so she could continue to use you too. Just as other people are saying, it easier to see what going on when you not emotional attach to the people involves. I know this is hard for you as you love her. But she truly does not love you if she is doing this, otherwise she would have felt guilty if she accepts the drinks. When you confront her she applied the tears, apologetic, etc.. Many people have been down the road before you, there are not paranoid just experienced. She is using you and other men into buying her drink, If she fancy them further maybe more. To me, it is not only cheating but it misleading the other men. If she truly loves you then other men would not be her priority and you would not be here!! If you were flirting with other women, accepting drinks etc, how would your girlfriend feel? Betrayed I bet, angry, vent fury, etc put you down the guilt trip. Yet she feels it is acceptable for her to do it.
I have seen this before, my sisters used this trick your girlfriend used on you and then behind their boyfriends back say that they only string their boyfriends on until they find someone better. You get the picture now!!
I know it is not easy for you to admit and you are in denial ( helped on with your girlfriend tears to guilt trip you).
Not all women are like this, so there are far better fish in the sea.

missmatty

Yeah, I as a woman would think this is very low behaviour. I wouldn't even do this if I was single; if you let men buy you drink all night, I think they are well within their reason to take it as a sign that they will get something back for it. She's obviously immature and insecure and used the tears as a way to disarm you and make you feel guilty for confronting her about it. I think you need to make it very clear that it's unacceptable or else she will just carry on.

Any time I've been going out with a guy, i would chat to other guys and if strangers I would make it clear i had a boyf and was happy.

littlesurfer

i wouldn't put up with that. It doesn't sound right at all. Just wondering are you normally the "laid back, not jealous at all type"? just because your situation made me think of a guy i went out with for a long time

he was so unaffected by guys chatting me up that i have to say it bothered me a little bit. I never went as far as letting guys buy me drinks but sometimes i might have dropped little compliments in conversation that guys had given me on a night out......

...Totally immature i think but i have to admit i did it. It was just the fact that he so openly didn't care about guys chatting me up. Outside of that he was very loving and told me how beautiful i was regularly....just that little thing bothered me.

just a thought

Fizman

IrishMike wrote:

. Its also unacceptable
that she would accept gifts from other men even if they were as small as
a simple drink. Whats ok when you are single is not always ok when you are
in a serious relationship and this more than falls in that category
Will see how it goes from here but im not a fool nor am i blind
If there are more "signs" as someone said of this sorta behaviour then
maybe she really isnt the girl for me

My best mate is in a 3 year relationship with a girl who is the biggest prick tease i've ever seen (when not in his company)....completely sickens me tbh to see it.

When he is out with her me and my mates are lucky to get a word in to him cos she is stuck to him for the nite bein all smitten and what not...mauling the face off him for most of it when even in a not so busy pub. But then when she is on her girlie nites out she is the complete opposite. She flirts big time with me and other guys and it wrecks my head....i've been in her company too when she is flirtin with other guys....she doesnt seem to care loves all the attention, playin on her looks. She grinds into any random crotch on the dance floor and even all my mates work colleagues have witnessed this (as recently as last wknd btw).

She has just turned 21 (has the maturity of a 15 yr old tbh) and he has just gone 24.... i find it impossible to bring this up with him but because he is completely blind to whats going on i eventually feel i will have to say it.

Your g/f doesnt seem as exteme as this dumb girl but to be honest id be v worried....the fact that she is the one you heard it from tells me that she is almost enticing you to get jealous. This is exactly what the girl i was talkin about does. Not healthy.

IrishMike wrote:

.
Oh and to the poster that keeps mentioning rape i really dont know where
that is coming from to be honest

If i was single and on a nite out....spent the night buying drinks for a girl who 1. told me in the first place she is single and 2.flirted like hell with me for the night accepting all my offers with open arms...... then at the end of the nite simply walked off with her mates.... id just feel like a complete fool. There are many many guys out there who take exeption to bein made a fool of like this a will feel as if she almost 'owes them somethin in return' if u know what i mean. So i think LundiMardi has a point

Yor gf seems genuinely upset now that she knows how u feel but somethin tells me she will find it hard to completely stamp it out. Best of luck tho

Beelzebub

IrishMike wrote:

Theres a lot of deeply paranoid people here
Is it not right that i give her the benefit of the doubt?
And spying on her? Im not exactly james bond and what would that accomplish?
I want the girl to be honest with me, i will find out either way if she was with
someone else so i have to trust her or else there really is no point
And can i also say that she is normally pretty shy and it just happens when
she is drunk that she gets "dutch courage" as they say
Breaking up with someone for flirting is maddness IMHO

Yeah, IrishMike, I agree with you.
Definitely give her another chance. You'll always regret it if you don't.

Good Luck.

DapperGent

lol at guys buying chicks drinks all night.

dame

Does she not have any female friends? I'd be disgusted if one of my friends behaved like that! Does she go out all alone or what? How does it end up that she spends all night chatting to one guy and sponging off him? Does she have no self respect at all. Or any respect for you.

I wouldn't be inclined to fall for the tears if I were you. I'd say other posters are right in saying that she's stringing you along until something better comes along.

Sony

Mike stick with her-this is'nt reason enough to want to break up-Ive been in this situation before and in my case I was prepared to stick with her and see how things panned out...it was worth doing!

Everyones different, she just sounds a little insecure,maybe has had bad exp with other guys in the past or is just afraid of getting too close to you...if you even consider walking away now you'll regret it.

Take a chance,trust her and just go with the flow;)

limklad

Sony wrote:

Everyones different, she just sounds a little insecure,maybe has had bad exp with other guys in the past or is just afraid of getting too close to you...if you even consider walking away now you'll regret it.

Take a chance,trust her and just go with the flow;)

Been insecure or bad experience with others is not an excuse to do what she did! You can justify bad behaviour especially since it was not mike who she had the bad experience with. Mike is the victim here