What am I doing wrong?

LegacyUser

I’ll try tell you this right from the beginning. I got out of a long term relationship a few years ago because, my boyfriend was living overseas for much of it, and when he moved home, he moved to another part of the country. He came home every weekend, but he was so tired, we never spent time with each other. We never went out, or went anywhere for that matter, and he was always too tired for sex. So that relationship ended as we couldn’t go on like that. About 9 months later I started seeing someone else. He lived in the same city as me and we had a brilliant first 7 months together. In October, however, he got a new job and he started being too tired to do anything. We talked about it and he promised me that after Christmas things would change, but it hasn’t. Every weekend (the only time we spend alone, due to work) all he wants to do is stay in and watch football all day Saturday and Sunday. Even in the nights all we do is get a take away and watch tv. Our sex life has dwindled down to nothing. He says he’s too tired for it. Anytime I try do anything romantic, or seductive he says I’m pressuring him into sex. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is it my fault, that my second meaningful relationship is going the same way as my first? I know people are going to say try talk to him, believe me I have, and he just gets very defensive and stubborn.

humanji

It seems fairly simple to me. Either he starts putting in the effort into your relationship or you move on. You're doing nothing wrong, he is, andyou shouldn't have to take it.

And this has no bearing on your other relationship. Long distance relationships can be very difficult. This new boyfriend jsut sounds like a selfish jerk. And also, be careful that he doesn't try and woo you for a few weeks to catch you off guard and slip back into his old ways!

Ruu_Old

You are not doing anything wrong. One sided relationships simply don't work, takes two and all that jazz. If he is not willing to do his part to keep things going then I suggest you rethink your future with him. Good luck with it.

cornbb

I would agree with Ruu and add that you shouldn't be thinking its your fault. Looks like you might have been unlucky twice, but don't let it get you down too much.

Sparky

Seems like he is not pulling his weight in the relationship.

I could suggest that you could plan a weekend away together in advance and tell him how you feel while on it.
If he keeps the defensive barrier up through it all, either he is hiding something, or has lost interest and is happy to plod along for the meantime.
Relationships are a two way street.

free2fly

Don't blame yourself OP. If you have tried everything that you can to make the relationship work, and he is not giving back, then you need to think of what will make you happy and act on it. If you are not happy with this relationship then get out of it and find someone who will appreciate you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the taking the time to reply. I see you all are saying what I've been thinking for a while. I've tried to talk to him a few weeks ago and it ended up with him shouting and accusing me of suffocating him by trying to change him, and by wanting to spend all our free time together. Seeing as we dont see each other mon-fri, I dont see anything wrong with wanting to see him at the weekend. I don't expect to spend 100% of the weekend with him, but when I do see him, I wish that he would make the effort to spend time with me - not me and a football match, or me and his playstation. He doesnt see anything wrong with inviting me over for the evening and then sticking on a football match, or playing a computer game. We have had one night in the past 4 months, maybe more, where we just switched everything off and had a romantic night in. Whenever I suggest we do it again, he just says he's too busy.

Even reading back what I have just written I can see that an ultimatum will have to be made, but he always always twists it around so I come out feeling like the "bad guy". Sometimes I believe it.

LegacyUser

I am in a long distance relationship with my GF. We both work very hard all week and at the weekend one of us drives 3 hours to see the other..

But when we meet, the sparks are flying right from the start. I come in the door to see her on Friday, and it's pretty much straight upstairs (last friday we skipped dinner cos both so horny!!), have sex a few times, then chill out and sleep. Then all Saturday morning, do something daytime (movies or something), sex Saturday night, again Sunday morning/afternoon, and possibly again SUnday eve (if we have time).

I should say again - we both work very hard during the week, but if anything, this makes us desire sex even more.. to wind down and experience the bliss of lovemaking.

<snip>No advocating of self-medication or drug purchases from the internet please. dudara</snip>

dudara

Unhappygirl wrote:

Even reading back what I have just written I can see that an ultimatum will have to be made, but he always always twists it around so I come out feeling like the "bad guy". Sometimes I believe it.

If this guy won't give you even a small amount of time, then you have to talk to him. State it clearly. You're going to feel even more lost and lonely if you let it continue.

Otherwise, you're going to have to seriously consider walking away.

All this advice is of course based on hearing just your side of the story. Not being rude or anything, but a fair assessment would involve both sides.

LegacyUser

I know you are only hearing one side, so I'll tell you what his argument is. He says that I'm suffocating him by wanting to change him, that he cannot just have sex on demand i.e. when I try do something romantic or seductive, he says I'm pressuring him into it. He says that because he does things for me (collects me from town, drives me to work sometimes) that I shouldnt be nagging him for time alone with him. He says that I can see him whenever I want, but its on his terms, such as watching tv, him playing computer games which means I sit and watch him do whatever he's doing until he's ready to see me.

TheminxIRL

Reading your post I realise that you were me seven months ago. My suggestion is get out now,find someone who treats you the way you should be treated - as an equal.

His actions are totally selfish, he has absolutely no consideration for what you need to make you happy.

You are giving him all, he is giving you nothing.

If he cared a shred he would make some effort to do the things you want and need.

Please dont waste anymore time on him, I wasted three full years and now am so angry with myself.

You dont need to do that, life is for living and a partner should enrich your life not make it harder .

humanji

Unhappygirl wrote:

I know you are only hearing one side, so I'll tell you what his argument is. He says that I'm suffocating him by wanting to change him, that he cannot just have sex on demand i.e. when I try do something romantic or seductive, he says I'm pressuring him into it. He says that because he does things for me (collects me from town, drives me to work sometimes) that I shouldnt be nagging him for time alone with him. He says that I can see him whenever I want, but its on his terms, such as watching tv, him playing computer games which means I sit and watch him do whatever he's doing until he's ready to see me.

Bascially, he doesn't have an argument. Him driving you home is not "together time", it's just him driving you home. Dump him. Nothing good will come of this.

Iago

I hate to say it but I just don't think it's meant to be between you. when things are right you spend all day thinking about each other and can't wait to see each other all the time.

Sure there'll be times when you just stick on the TV or veg out and that's healthy as well, it doesn't work if you live in each others pockets all the time. Make a clean break and find someone that has the same ideas and same desire that you have, you'll both be happier in the long run.

limklad

Unhappygirl wrote:

I know you are only hearing one side, so I'll tell you what his argument is. He says that I'm suffocating him by wanting to change him, that he cannot just have sex on demand i.e. when I try do something romantic or seductive, he says I'm pressuring him into it. He says that because he does things for me (collects me from town, drives me to work sometimes) that I shouldnt be nagging him for time alone with him. He says that I can see him whenever I want, but its on his terms, such as watching tv, him playing computer games which means I sit and watch him do whatever he's doing until he's ready to see me.

It takes both to make a relationship work. I’m a bloke, I know women who does the same thing that your man is doing.
Stop wasting your time with him. He does not respect you, if he was truly in love with you he would see that he is hurting you. Move on to find your true other half elsewhere.