Oh noes..

LegacyUser

Heh,

not quite sure were to start with this one, or if it will help or if im just going silently insane, i write things alot.. mostly to myself in a diary type of way but end up deleting it thinking im insane days later.

How to start or were im not sure, its like most things in this life - complicated.

I had/have been with a girl for 4 years, over the past few months sex has drawn to a close, i have always had a particularly strong sex drive but i got on with things as we were happy together, have our own place and things were 'secure', convenient so to speak, but more and more time was passing and she was tired or exhausted alot, not to mention that because of her new job we never had a day off together, i worked mon-fri, her weekends etc. I Don't think this is what led to the decline in our relationship though, we still talk and can talk if needed.

She wants children, and I dont think im ready for that in any way, and still think I am to young for it and still have alot to experience in my life away from bringing up a kid, this enivatably drove a wedge between us with alot more arguments of recent times, splitting up happened, we did love each other but i had to come to alot of realisations about the whole situation in that I was finding myself more and more attracted to other women (which isn't me, i haven't a bad bone in my body and couldnt do such a thing as abuse someones trust). In the end that was what made us not be together any longer.

But ever since december I have worked in my job for a while now and have found myself ever more attracted to a certain woman in work, in december we started to talk more and admitted there was a mutual attraction there which has started things off a bit. Now for the tough point.. she has just ended a relationship of alot of years which has made her at this point in time very vulnerable, and i can feel and was even told she is petrified of being hurt again due to the circumstances in which it ended were she caught him with another girl.

Regardless we have been talking more, exchanged numbers, send emails and txt each other alot, and have a few drinks here and again which usually sparks off some madness. Generally she is quite restrained with her feelings putting more of her time out to help others than herself, of which that is clearly obvious. I know she is having a tough time after she has told me about what is going on with family life and her ex who is still continuing to call her and she has never had a good family life of which has also been discussed in length amongst my problems. Alot of confiding in one another, now things would be a whole lot more simple if things had just ended at a mutual attraction but alas things are never quite as simple as that. My relationship has ended in the meanwhile and I know she is confused, hell even I am confused at this stage. I let her know that i wasn't about to start anything while she, or myself was on a rebound situation which was fine at the time and we continued to pass on flirtatious txt and emails again.

We headed out as you do with workmates last weekend, i find out later she is there because i was coming, and me well.. same as really.. it leads to an end of night thing were we discuss the fact that there was alot of chemistry there, she cried.. shes emotional of which i can understand.. I offered to take her home of which i did and we slept together. I cuddled her, there was no sex involved and although I had to restrain myself I was fine with that as i have an understanding that maybe it wasn't the time or that it was just going to perhaps make things a bit more complicated of which i did not want, she seemed happy with this also as far as i could see. We talked for a few hours the next day and things seemed fine and although i stopped myself from kissing her as i had wanted to before i left i gave her a cuddle and that was that..

She tells me one of the main problems is that i AM saying all the right things and its confusing her more, and that if i was a prick if would be so much easier for her as I can understand after being in such a long term relationship. We think alike, think to much perhaps about everything and anything.. and share to many similarities that it was rather daunting to hear them and share the same things. When she's half cut, she is willing to open up and express herself but sober its 'im great' and im not one to read to much into anything but I know something has obviously happened in this meantime and its eating me up inside as to what, and i cant ask as i get no response. I want to know, I want to help but can't.. Alas I got a response of nothing apart from, heres next weeks shift rota and a short call were she was clearly upset but i couldn't get any response as to why. No doubt the ex has perhaps been on to her again which was my first premonition, or the family giving grief over random things. She told him out of frustration that to give up, and that she could only ever accept him as a friend and has been txting him back as a friend as far as i know - which only further screws things up in my mind more..

Alas i write stuff down, and i boggle my mind with things, everything really and I dont make much sense in my own head and the more you think, as you know.. the worse things get. So here I am, 5am on a sunday morning not slept a wink and listening to music to try and help myself relax (and failing misreably). I have no idea why on earth I am posting here, I have spoke this over with my friends and my sister and they have all been more than happy to give opinions as to what to do, although even they are just as speechless about the situation, my sister perhaps more understanding than most. Deep down i know the answer is possibly give it time and see what happens. I'm just not sure and can be quite sensitive at the best of times and am starting to quickly yell to myself 'cut your losses and forget it'.. But deep down it's not what i want to do.. and we work together making things that tad more complicated than just forgetting about it. So there you go, analyze the relationship board and after writing over 3 pages in word im none the wiser, and I think to much, so figured i might as well write to people who are non-bias towards it? Not sure..