Advice ... help ... anything!

Selphie

Okay. I've been having a little trouble with my boyfriend lately. I'll tell you as much as I can, then I'd appreciate advice and comments and stuff.

I'm 18, he's 19, we've been going out for a year now. When we started going out, I was in 5th year, and he in Leaving Cert, now he's in college, and I'm in Leaving Cert. What the problem is, is that now that he's in college, I don't seem to be important anymore. Last year, he used to tell me continually how much I meant to him, and we used to do lots together. He didn't have that many close friends from school or anything and so we got really close really quickly. This year, the situation's totally changed. He has dozens of new friends - he sees them practically every night during the week, and I'm lucky if I get a text from him during the day. During the weekend, if I do see him, he claims he's tired from during the week, and needs to go home early (particularly on Sunday) because he'll be out late with his friends the following night, and doesn't want to be too tired.
I don't know if I'm jealous, over-reacting or rational. I've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but all he says is that I'm ruining the college experience for him, and that I need to lighten up and realise that he has new commitments and can't spend all his time with me.
I'm getting really stressed out over the impending exams, and he's never around to offer support, even though I was continually on the phone last year to him, helping him through his exams.

This is my first long-term relationship, so I'm a little insecure and unsure of how to deal with things. Sometimes he's so warm, friendly, tactile, passionate .... everything. Other times he doesn't speak, doesn't touch me, doesn't respond to initiations of sex. He usually initiates, I generally don't because I never know what he's thinking.
Friends have told me to consider that this could just be a sign of him becoming comfortable in our relationship. I just don't know what to think. Surely, if he was unhappy, he'd break up with me?
Advice please!!!

Ruu_Old

I think he is liking his new found freedom and might feel tied down to you. Don't let it get too one sided to the point that you are unhappy all the time. Sit down and sort it out, work out what you both want to do. Have you made any effort to join him with his college friends or is he bothered with that?

Selphie

Ruu wrote:

I think he is liking his new found freedom and might feel tied down to you. Don't let it get too one sided to the point that you are unhappy all the time. Sit down and sort it out, work out what you both want to do. Have you made any effort to join him with his college friends or is he bothered with that?

Yeah, that's a good point. He loves the freedom, the social life and stuff (doesn't go to any lectures.)
I've tried a few times over the last few months to try and work it out. We both say that we still want to be together, but it ends up just retreating back into the same cycle.
Um, yeah, a few things. He's big into debating so I go to the things he tells me about. The rest of the time, I'm not invited. He doesn't tell me about them until after, just says how much of a great time they had and that he didn't think to ask me if I wanted to come.

poobum

have you told him you woul like to go out with him? or that you like to se his mates?
can i ask do, is this kinda about you just want the invite? or would you actually make the effort to see his mates? could he just know you woulnt come an so isnt inviting?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Get him to put aside one night, possibly a week or three into the future, where it's just you and him. Sit in and rent out a DVD or something, mobiles off, but be fliexible with the date.

A lot peope have friends and a boy/girlfriend from a different circle, the trick is to strike a balance and have time for both. Ok, you may need to plan it in advance a bit, but why should that be a problem?

He may, of course, also be ready to move on but not realise it. You may need to spent a bit of time preparing for this possiblity. If this does turn out to be the case, try not to be too disheartened... You'll be in college yourself this time next year.

Selphie

Ikky Poo2 wrote:

He may, of course, also be ready to move on but not realise it. You may need to spent a bit of time preparing for this possiblity. If this does turn out to be the case, try not to be too disheartened... You'll be in college yourself this time next year.

Been preparing for this alright!
Thanks for the advice so far everybody.
To Poobum I'd go if I was able to go definitely. I haven't met any of his friends, they never seem to be at the things I go to, but I'd like to meet them obviously. It's not that I'm searching for the invite only, it's that I'd like to go.
I'm afraid that I'm giving the impression of being childish and clingy, whereas all I want is to be involved.
He was away for the whole weekend before my 18th birthday, and therefore couldn't do anything with me for the day, and yet the week before, when I said I was going to do something with my girl friends on one of the days, to celebrate, he threw a fit, demanding to know why he wasn't being invited.
It feels slightly as if there's double standards, and yet each time I think this, I contradict myself, telling myself I'm totally over-reacting

dame

Maybe he's being the way he is so that you'll get fed up and dump him. If he doesn't start going to the odd lecture at least, you'll be in college next year and he won't.

walrusgumble

speak to him one more time, tell him the what the story is and lay it down that either he cops on or yer finished. give him 2 weeks or less, if he has not changed get rid of him. you appear to be taken for a ride and he does seem to be gettin too comfy in this relationship, particularily when you memtioned the incident with your birthday.

you are doing your leaving cert this year, this is your priority. (i know he is in college and needs to expand his friendship, but u said u were there for him last yr when he was doing his,has he eve helped u out?)

look unfortunatley it may appear that the relationship could be over. it is hard because ye have been with each other for a year. but look do something now or it may wreck ur head. anyway you will be in college next year,

Selphie

walrusgumble wrote:

speak to him one more time, tell him the what the story is and lay it down that either he cops on or yer finished. give him 2 weeks or less, if he has not changed get rid of him. you appear to be taken for a ride and he does seem to be gettin too comfy in this relationship, particularily when you memtioned the incident with your birthday.

you are doing your leaving cert this year, this is your priority. (i know he is in college and needs to expand his friendship, but u said u were there for him last yr when he was doing his,has he eve helped u out?)

look unfortunatley it may appear that the relationship could be over. it is hard because ye have been with each other for a year. but look do something now or it may wreck ur head. anyway you will be in college next year,

Thanks. That's really great advice. I've been thinking about doing that for a while now actually, it's just pretty sad that it had to end this way, you know?
I really don't want it to end *immature teenage girl here!* but at the same time it's hardly good to keep going on like this.
Thanks a lot for all the advice!

Selphie

dame wrote:

Maybe he's being the way he is so that you'll get fed up and dump him. If he doesn't start going to the odd lecture at least, you'll be in college next year and he won't.

Hehe!!

ando

yea it seems like he's taking you for granted. Sit down and talk to him and if things don’t change then in my opinion move on

jellie

Selphie wrote:

I really don't want it to end *immature teenage girl here!* but at the same time it's hardly good to keep going on like this.

For what its worth, i think youre handling it pretty maturely actually

I dont really have any advice other than talk to him. If hes not spending enough time with you and supporting you then it seems like its become a pretty one sided relationship, and if it doesnt improve its probably ending..

Selphie

Well, just a little update, partially because of me needing to see things written out, and also just in case anyone is bothered to know how this turns out.
We've all but broken up now. I talked to him today. He's in college all week, plus it's rag week, so he won't be around, and he's going away next weekend. I asked him to come over today so that we could spend a little time together because after he comes back, it's my mocks so we won't have any time together at all. He told me he didn't have a lift over *taxi anyone* even though he uses taxis to get in and out of all these various social things he goes to. So, I said I was sick of drawing the short straw always, sick of being the one who always made the compromises, sick of basically feeling like ****e. He said that he's sorry for ignoring me all the time, but that it seems like I'm being clingy (which was what I was afraid of) he then pointed out how we seem to be fighting a lot, when we're together its not as fun as it used to be before and that he only saw one way to fix things. I asked him to elaborate, and he said he needed space.
Funny that - it feels like he's had heaps of it since last October.
I told him I need him to consider my feelings as much as I consider his. I've always been reluctant to start arguments because I hate hurting him or making him feel bad. I seem to put him first in everything I do, and it's only very recently that I've realised he never seems to mind hurting me.
But anyway, him wanting space takes priority over my wanting support or explanations. Which commonly happens. How come the person who wants space gets priority over the person who doesn't - always??
However the "space" begins.
Thanks a lot everybody for all the advice. I realise how idiotic I must sound and so thanks for listening to my gushingly long (and probably excrutiatinly boring) posts.

Selphie

sar84 wrote:

For what its worth, i think youre handling it pretty maturely actually

Thanks

SoupyNorman

Just about to say that sar84. 18 you say you are OP, I applaud your maturity.

The best action to take would be to break-up (for now anyways) for two reasons, starting college is like nothing you can imagine until you experience it for yourself. Its crazy, I can barely remember 1st year(in 4th now) Going out every night, meeting new people all the time and trying to fit in some time for college!

2.Get your L cert out of the way without this massive distraction as it WILL be detremental to your exam results.

I'm sorry to be so forthcoming with my opinion but it sounds like your boyfriend has made his mind up and it will be a futile exercise trying to 'understand' him.

Then when the dust settles and you do well in the L cert, head to college yourself and you will have the time of your life (Sligo, Galway, Athlone) are great places to go if I may make a suggestion!

Your young and seem to have a good head on them shoulders so regardless of the advice on thread I think you will make the right decisions.

"Good look with the book!"

comewatmay

Selphie wrote:

Well, just a little update, partially because of me needing to see things written out, and also just in case anyone is bothered to know how this turns out.
We've all but broken up now. I talked to him today. He's in college all week, plus it's rag week, so he won't be around, and he's going away next weekend. I asked him to come over today so that we could spend a little time together because after he comes back, it's my mocks so we won't have any time together at all. He told me he didn't have a lift over *taxi anyone* even though he uses taxis to get in and out of all these various social things he goes to. So, I said I was sick of drawing the short straw always, sick of being the one who always made the compromises, sick of basically feeling like ****e. He said that he's sorry for ignoring me all the time, but that it seems like I'm being clingy (which was what I was afraid of) he then pointed out how we seem to be fighting a lot, when we're together its not as fun as it used to be before and that he only saw one way to fix things. I asked him to elaborate, and he said he needed space.
Funny that - it feels like he's had heaps of it since last October.
I told him I need him to consider my feelings as much as I consider his. I've always been reluctant to start arguments because I hate hurting him or making him feel bad. I seem to put him first in everything I do, and it's only very recently that I've realised he never seems to mind hurting me.
But anyway, him wanting space takes priority over my wanting support or explanations. Which commonly happens. How come the person who wants space gets priority over the person who doesn't - always??
However the "space" begins.
Thanks a lot everybody for all the advice. I realise how idiotic I must sound and so thanks for listening to my gushingly long (and probably excrutiatinly boring) posts.

Just read ur story there and all il say is fair play to you. This guy sounds unbelieveably ignorant and selfish towards you. You sound too nice, polite and shy for this guy. Wait and see when your in collage next year how he will react!!! i suspect he will be trying to give you more attention when your gone than when he had you. Good luck with the exams and well done on getting rid of him

Selphie

comewatmay wrote:

Just read ur story there and all il say is fair play to you. This guy sounds unbelieveably ignorant and selfish towards you. You sound too nice, polite and shy for this guy. Wait and see when your in collage next year how he will react!!! i suspect he will be trying to give you more attention when your gone than when he had you. Good luck with the exams and well done on getting rid of him

Well now! thank you very much
It's strange. Today is only the first day in the past year that I haven't heard anything at all from him. I'm finding it easier than i thought. To be honest, I can't see this whole "space" thing ending well.It seems to be like there's just far too much to be resolved and I'm willing to bet I want a lot more than he's willing to offer!!!
But hey, it'll be all good. One quick question, apologies if I'm driving everyone crazy. When a relationship ends, is it better to say everything you've wanted to say, both good and bad, or to try and end it on as best terms as possible?

dr.bollocko

Whoah that thread took the right turn. I was about to post one of those "Girl, I know its a difficult thing to do, but you know you have to break up with him" type replies.
Seems you got there before me, and well done. It's your first serious relationship, and it clearly didnt work out.
Now whatever happens next, try and make absolutely sure that you're single for your start in University next year, and then let the fun really begin.

(Wish I was 18 and on my way to college again.)
*sniff*