A little advice?

pat25

Hi, I was just looking for some badly needed advice.
Im 25 yrs old and have finally accepted the fact that im gay.!!
However, Im still too unsure about a lot of things.
None of my friends know im gay but im finding it hard, especially at this age
to explain why im still single. I live in fear of going out with my mates at the wend to clubs as I usually get the "why arent you trying score,or u wont score standing around like that"!! I know their stance on this issue as there all homophobic hurlers n rugby players!!...

I dont have any gay friends and the closest ive come to a gay person is gaydar which I recently stumbled upon. But im not so sure about this, does any1 have any advice on this, it it safe, what kind of people use it, apart 4m the obvious!?)) Also, most ppl on there seem to have very high standards for wat there looking for!!, is the scene really like this?? With the long hours I work ive managed to avoid the issue and ppl's questions but over xmas , i got the usual " any women, ur brother does!, who ru seeing? ur still single!!)))...
A good friend did ask me when she was drunk when we were ina club over xmas but i said no. Luckily, cos immediately after she began screaming at me, tellimg me to admit it and asking E1 else was i gay!!:eek: she later apologised but under other circumstances i prob would have said yes to finally get it off my chest!!! my friends laughed but they were also embarressed for me!! (he's only shy, leave him alone!!"):eek:
I always though that when my career fell into place, so would my personal life, not so!!

I dont have the neck to go to a gay bar/club on my own but at this stage i dont know wat to do. Its starting to consume me and every minute I have that im not busy, its all i think and stress over!!!:mad:
Any advice,?? at 25yrs I feel im missing out and well, gettin a bit old to be still in denial!! just a bit unsure where to go from here!!,
I live in typical small town and i dunno, the prospect of E1 talking about me an how my family would react more than anything concerns me..,...
Any advice, however blunt, would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks. Pat

FranknFurter

Step One- Get yourself a fag-hag
Step two- You wanted blunt, heres blunt.- You are 25 years old, you should be living *your own* life, and that means moving on from being a teenager.
Sounds obvious? It is.

Do you live at home still? (Assuming you are not as you never mentioned).

Getting your own, home, security, and finding your own comfortable niche in life so that you can start to live it, is the first and most important thing you need to consider doing.

I have yet to meet anyone (gay or otherwise), who could be themselves while living at home, and as soon as they move they say "it was the best thing that ever happened to me".


When you are living in your own place, earning your own money, are completely self-sufficient, then "coming out" might not seem like such a big risk, and having a relationship will become more practical.

Im not saying any of the above is easy, but becoming an adult never was meant to be easy, thats why it takes so long.

There are no quick solutions or answers except that at 25 years old, you need to control your own life, by your own standards, without worrying about others perception of you, you have no control over that.
You cannot make people like you, they either do or they dont, be they familly or friends.

The people around you have no choice but to either accept it or not accept it, that is *their* choice you have no way of "making" them accept you and / or your lifestyle.
That will happen in all areas of your life, throughout your life, deny it and you will be miserable, this one area just seems so huge right now.

Best of luck,
B

Beruthiel

pat25 wrote:

I live in fear of going out with my mates at the wend to clubs as I usually get the "why arent you trying score,or u wont score standing around like that"!! I know their stance on this issue as there all homophobic hurlers n rugby players!!...

Pat,
Real friends love you for who you are, all of you.
This is true for everyone, not just if you are gay.
If these 'friends' cannot accept you for who you are, then it's perhaps time to weed out the ones who will and to also find some new friends.
This will take time but can be done. It's something all of us do at some point in our lives as we change along the way.
You can only be truly happy if you are being yourself.
I've always thought that you can either take me as I am, or don't. Your loss.

Have you seen this thread? Could be exactly what you are looking for. You could at least go once and see if it's your thing.
Take care.

pugwall

Hey Pat,

I'm 25 and only came out to my friends when I was 22. They were suprised but very supportive. They really didn't have a clue. I've had no negative responses or regrets about telling them.
I was terrified about telling them. I really was.
Looking back now 3 years on I really had nothing to worrry about.

My advice is... if your friends are genuine friends and reasonable people then you have nothing to worry about.

The most difficult thing about coming out is IMO meeting gay friends. Do you know any gay guys? Do you have any friends who happen to have other gay friends?
Give gaydar a go but its not for everyone. Alot of guys are there for one thing only
But two of my friend met on gaydar and have been going out with each other for 3 years!
I wouldn't advise going to a gay bar on your own. Bring a friend.

Good luck!

MicraBoy

Hi Pat,

I seem to recall a survey of ages people came out at on this board. You'd be suprised the amount that did it in their mid twentys.

I suggest you come out to that girl first, if you trust her. She clearly knows. If she knows, lots of people will suspect also. It will not be a big shock to a lot of people. I think you will find it quite the anticlimax for a lot of people.

I also think you should give your friends more credit. Even the most homophobic appearing guys can be accepting once they realise they have a friend who is gay. Again I think this will be easier for you than you suspect. It only takes one or two to be ok with it before everyone else will fall in line.

As for the gaydar thing. It can be as soul destroying as it is rewarding depending on what you are looking for. There are diamonds in the rough if you have the patience to seek them out. I think there are lots of places you can try that are more fun. Gaire.com for example.

Best of luck.

pat25

Hey everyone, thanks for responding! In response to some q's
At the moment I do live at home until I can move into my
new apartment in march (roll on!). (whats a fag hag???!!!))))

I kind of realise that most ppl prob know or have an idea or japenese whispers on the topic, especially when if she asked, ! well, if she had to ask!,)): So i may just come clean with her I think. I live pretending to be straight anymore anyway, its driving me nuts!!!
Unfortunately, I dont have any gay friends (that i know of anyway), or know if any of my friends have any, so in a bit of a predicament!
Not sure about gaydar either but i guess it can be a start!
Im probably making a mountain out of nothin, i dunno why im so mortified about tellin ppl.....
Anyway, il try figure it out, they can take me or leave me i suppose....
Thanks for the advice everyone:D

Beruthiel

pat25 wrote:

(whats a fag hag???!!!))))

A women who enjoys the company of gay men
>_>

Marksie

pat25 wrote:

Hi, I was just looking for some badly needed advice.
Im 25 yrs old and have finally accepted the fact that im gay.!!
However, Im still too unsure about a lot of things.
None of my friends know im gay but im finding it hard, especially at this age
to explain why im still single. I live in fear of going out with my mates at the wend to clubs as I usually get the "why arent you trying score,or u wont score standing around like that"!! I know their stance on this issue as there all homophobic hurlers n rugby players!!...

I dont have any gay friends and the closest ive come to a gay person is gaydar which I recently stumbled upon. But im not so sure about this, does any1 have any advice on this, it it safe, what kind of people use it, apart 4m the obvious!?)) Also, most ppl on there seem to have very high standards for wat there looking for!!, is the scene really like this?? With the long hours I work ive managed to avoid the issue and ppl's questions but over xmas , i got the usual " any women, ur brother does!, who ru seeing? ur still single!!)))...
A good friend did ask me when she was drunk when we were ina club over xmas but i said no. Luckily, cos immediately after she began screaming at me, tellimg me to admit it and asking E1 else was i gay!!:eek: she later apologised but under other circumstances i prob would have said yes to finally get it off my chest!!! my friends laughed but they were also embarressed for me!! (he's only shy, leave him alone!!"):eek:
I always though that when my career fell into place, so would my personal life, not so!!

I dont have the neck to go to a gay bar/club on my own but at this stage i dont know wat to do. Its starting to consume me and every minute I have that im not busy, its all i think and stress over!!!:mad:
Any advice,?? at 25yrs I feel im missing out and well, gettin a bit old to be still in denial!! just a bit unsure where to go from here!!,
I live in typical small town and i dunno, the prospect of E1 talking about me an how my family would react more than anything concerns me..,...
Any advice, however blunt, would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks. Pat

Hi Pat ,
there are a couple of irish sites you may find useful:

GAIRE

and if you are in the midlands and associated areas GLAM (gay lesbian action midlands)

hope that helps

Annasopra

Hi Pat

If you don't want to try gay pubs just yet there are lots of other social type groups.

Outhouse is a drop in centre. If you are sporty there are rugby, soccer, tennis, swimming and other groups.

These are just ways of gently easing yourself into any social scene

bico

Hi Pat

Have been there myself and once I came out regretted every year I stayed in the closet. At 25 you're still at a good age to come out and enjoy the gay life, have met men who waited untill they were in their 60's.
You don't need to shout it from the rooftops, but will have to take action yourself. Posting this blog and venting your frustration is good first step and going on to gaydar is probably a next.
I don't think you should be afraid to go to a gay club , and once you're inside concentrate on enjoying yourself rather than feel desperate. A place like the Front Lounge has a nice mixed crowd.
Best of luck !

irishwheeler2

Try being gay and a wheelchair user. Believe me when u see your own body going to pot b4 your eyes, u will realise how stupid it is to put so much emphasis on what other's think. Enforced celibacy is a mother!! At least ur not ruining some girl's life 2 by getting into some phony charade which might temporarily stop questions. Remember the only guys who have a problem with gays r repressed gays! Life is too short!

Anicrus

Hey Pat - I just wanted to post a few lines after reading OP. I'm 25 and have been out since 15 and have met lots of folk of all ages who are only just comming out. Being gay is only one element of who you are - if you're getting your own place - moving out on your own - there's a whole lot of fun comming your way and comming out will play its part.

Gaydar can be a great place to meet ppl and find friendships - those with high standards you metion are likely to have a very narrow view of men and adventure - there are heaps of cool guys gals about to hang out with - just keep looking :cool: I know you said you don't have any gay mates but if you came out to some close friends you might end up attracting a few? How can you have a gay friendship unless you make yourself known?

Chances are - people are already talking about you and your family if they suspect you're gay so comming out won't really change that. Friends who aren't supportive would likely disappear over the years anyway - everyone knows brothers mates who parted ways over one thing or another - besides it sounds like you have confidence in them and so you should if they're your mates.

anyaways best of luck! Being 25 is a great age and I think it just gets better and better - the more you know yourself and the world around you.