Knowing about other peoples money suituations

dbnavan

Had a discussion with my mom last night in which she told me in 18 years married to my dad, she never knew what he earned, "It was not her concern".
She got x amount to keep the house and us kids and that was it.

I could guess what my people earn about their job but it would only be a guess, my wife on the other hand knows exactly what I bring in, we have a joint bank account, and she doesnt think think twice about discussing her mom's or brother finiacial problems with me, I still sometimes have a hard time with this because it's not how I was raised, is it really my concern that my mother-in-law has x amount, or her grandmother has y amount in debt.

Dan133269

In a very small way it is, you married your wife and they are her family.
Just because your family did the financial aspect the old fashioned way, and a bit sexist too, doesn't mean that you have to confine yourself to the way things used to be.
Hope I didn't offend you by saying this.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

dbnavan wrote:

in 18 years married to my dad, she never knew what he earned, "It was not her concern".
She got x amount to keep the house and us kids and that was it.

Now I have to say that is pretty damn weird to me...

The Sweeper

Years ago I worked in a bank. It was sufficiently long ago that the last vestiges of chauvinism were still clinging on strongly. There were various stories doing the rounds.

One story was based around the whole concept that the man works, and his wife keeps house, and she gets an allowance every week or month in which she can keep house. Additionally, the man reassures her that she's on his pension, and they have a joint nest egg in the bank. Her name is on the pension and the nest egg, but she has no bank book or cards and she never feels the need to go and look.

Cue the man dying, or being admitted to hospital, and wifey clippity clips into the bank to sort out their finances. Her first port of call: the nest egg. Sure hasn't he told her they have 50K in the bank and she's all set to use that to get better medical care for him.

Only there isn't 50K in the bank.

There isn't even 0K in the bank.

Hubbie's remortgaged the house too, so that isn't even theirs.

For a long time, men were under a lot of pressure to be the sole providers, and their women had been taught since childhood that in exchange for them having children, keeping house and doing what they were told, their husband would finance their lives. Hubbie, being a man, wants to be seen to do the best he can, but he's overstretched himself. And he won't admit it.

This was apparently quite common in the late 1980s, when that particular section of society were hitting their late 50s and dropping of heart attacks. The 1970s and 80s were times of booming wealth for those in the money-making know, and abject poverty for those not. The number of blokes who sold themselves down the river for appearance's sake was enough that the quiet sobbing of a woman who's just been told that not only has she nothing, but she needs to sell her house, was a regular occurence in some branches.

dbnavan

I know my family was one extreame which I disagree totally with, my money is my wifes money, and the same the other way, but is there in other peoples opinion a medium between the 2 extremes, which is the norm?

MarkR

Well, in my case we both earn very similar amounts, and feed a set amount into a joint account to fund all expenses, mortgage etc. Savings are so far seperate to a degree, but that'll probably change to something a bit more structured soon.

InFront

I don't know what either of my parents earn, presume that's normal? I figure that kind of question is a bit rude unless you know them really well, as in you are married. I'm pretty sure my parents have the same bank arrangements anyway.
I can see a husband not telling his wife what he earns as quite a kind thing. At least then she doesn't have to worry about what she can or cannot afford for the house. I don't think there could be any malice in it.

spurious

There are still a lot of people (mainly women) in the situation where rather than being joint account holders, they are additional card holders on a Mastercard or Pass/Laser account.

Watch the fun when the account holder dies. Many people presume they will just be able to continue using their cards but that is not the case. It is a very common problem which needslots of legal stuff to get access to (what is legally) the spouse's money.

Couples need JOINT accounts not one with an additional card on it.

baztard

InFront wrote:

...
I can see a husband not telling his wife what he earns as quite a kind thing. At least then she doesn't have to worry about what she can or cannot afford for the house. I don't think there could be any malice in it.

How patronising!. In this day and age, I'd see it more like him treating her like an idiot.

Dan133269

InFront wrote:

I can see a husband not telling his wife what he earns as quite a kind thing. At least then she doesn't have to worry about what she can or cannot afford for the house.

Wouldn't that not be the opposite? she has to worry about what she can or cannot afford because doesn't know how much money they have.

Rabies

Married people should know what their partners earn, and where most of it goes. No need to hide it, unless there is a reason *cough* gold digger *cough*

InFront wrote:

I don't know what either of my parents earn, presume that's normal?

Not really. From the age of about 16/17 I knew how much each of my parents earned. Well, more how much my dad earned and how much he gave my mother. Was told the break down my mothers expenses each week.

When I was about 21 my dad told me how much the company makes, what kind of profit is made off certain jobs and I was shown what some of our staff take home each week. So i guess I know what is going in to a few households

InFront

Dan133269 wrote:

Wouldn't that not be the opposite? she has to worry about what she can or cannot afford because doesn't know how much money they have.

I don't think so, I mean I don't know what my parents earn. They pay for things like my education, which I'm very grateful for, but the fact that they do suggests they can afford it. I can see no reason why things would be different between a husband and a wife.

Not that it matters, I intend on telling my future wife exactly how much I am earning, and expect the same!

Mrs_Doyle

My dad gets paid on a Thursday. He cashes his cheque and hands over all of his wages to my mam, who lodges it into her bank account (my Dad never had a bank account, never needed one). My mam pays all of the bills, manages the house and gives my dad petrol money, lunch money and 'extra money' every morning.
Originally, in the early 80's, they did it this way because they were poor (as was everyone else) and my mam was better at managing money.

They probably don't need to do it this way anymore, but its just routine at this stage.

Black Swan

The traditional form of marriage is declining in the USA. There was a report Tuesday night (NBC Nightly News?) that over half of women are not married, and are supporting themselves in most cases. Also remember reading awhile back in The Chronicle of Higher Education (a newspaper) that women have passed men in business administration course enrollments.

I doubt that such women would go for a traditional form of marriage where they did not know the family finances.

r3nu4l

Well myself and Mrs r3nu4l know exactly what eac other earns, we are both named on the mortgage and we know what the other has in savings.

I believe that this is vital in a partnership. In this way we can decide how best to save/invest our money and how far we can stretch if needs be. It also means that there are no nasty surprises in store for either of us in the future. It also means that when it comes to buying furniture/holidays etc. we know exactly how much we can afford. Neither of us ever wants to get into debt apart from the ol' mortgagearoonie, knowharimean like?

EDIT:

Mrs Doyle wrote:

They probably don't need to do it this way anymore, but its just routine at this stage.

Exactly the same for my fols except that theirs is a joint account...not that it mattered because my dad still can't use an ATM, wouldn't know where his card was if you asked him, doesn't want to learn how to use an ATM and is quite happy with the arrangement thank you very much

stovelid

My mum and dad are/were similar in some ways. My mum got "housekeeping" from my dad but she always worked herself as well.

I would know what my wife earns (and vice versa) because of discussions and stuff like a mortgage.

Obviously we don't always know how much we've put on our credit cards though.

dbnavan wrote:

Had a discussion with my mom last night in which she told me in 18 years married to my dad, she never knew what he earned, "It was not her concern".
She got x amount to keep the house and us kids and that was it.

I could guess what my people earn about their job but it would only be a guess, my wife on the other hand knows exactly what I bring in, we have a joint bank account, and she doesnt think think twice about discussing her mom's or brother finiacial problems with me, I still sometimes have a hard time with this because it's not how I was raised, is it really my concern that my mother-in-law has x amount, or her grandmother has y amount in debt.

Heyes

I think that if a couple are going to set up house and home together then they should have an idea of what there other half is earning. Just so they can plan better and ensure any bills are covered comftorble

I also think its important that although a joint account will probable be set up that both parties have money in a seperate personal account.

inertia99

That was the way my parents used to work too, she got her housekeeping money and he looked after everything else. Big problem happened when he died a few years ago and after 40 odd years of this arrangement she suddenly had no clue on how to handle money matters, banks and all associated bits. She nearly had a nervous breakdown as she suddenly had more money than she had ever dealt with before (not rich but a nice widows pension all the same!)

The way my wife and i do it is everything into a joint account, joint deposit accounts, shares in joint names and we both know everything about everything finance related and discuss everything money related together. Works great for us as we are both good with money but might not be for everyone. I prefer it that way.

My mother's a single mother (though now she has a gf) and I've known for years exactly what the financial situation is like...
and if I ever get married I expect full knowledge to be passed between us of what the money's like...

Ruu_Old

I've known from my early teens about how much my folks earned. My Mam manages the bills, she would explain to me where it goes every week and my Dad only last year got stopped being paid with a cheque as the money got directly deposited. He has the ATM card now.
I have joint accounts with teh wifey and other savings accounts so we can figure out how to invest it properly. I don't see why it should be secret.

stepbar

Know exactly what my ould lad earns, all I have to do is look at the accounts for the year. Even after paying all his expenses like van, light & heat, phone / mobile he's still clears the guts of 30k profit after tax. However the accountants maybe wrong cause I see feck all of it being spent, god knows where it all goes.......

nesf

My parents always had 'seperate' money. My Dad took his 'allowance' from his wages and the rest went to my mother who handled running the house, the bank, the mortgage etc etc. Not an unusual set up tbh.

As for knowing about other people's money situations. Eh, I knew exactly how much my dad earned from quite a young age, down to how much of a bonus he got at Christmas, we were always quite open about that. The idea of not telling my partner how much I earn is so backward and sexist that really I hope that the few who consider it normal in this thread are trolling (then I was brought up this way so who am I to judge).

As for other people, I don't really care if they know what I earn or if I know what they earn. It's really a non-issue socially as far as I'm concerned. I find people getting really uptight about what other people earn quite amusing really. As if what someone earns changes the way I should look at them or something.

Terry

My parents were born in the 1930's so you might expect them to have been old fashioned, but they were not.
My father was paid on Friday, handed all the money over to my mother, she gave him back a few quid so that he could go for a pint an the rest went on bills. my mother worked some saturdays, so my father would be the one who would pay some of the bills. any extra money he got, like tax rebates and the like were handed straight to my mother too.
on the other hand, my mothers sister lived quite differently.
her husband gave her a certain amount every week and the rest was pissed up against the wall. most of her children left school early and got jobs to help support the family.

r3nu4l

stepbar wrote:

However the accountants maybe wrong cause I see feck all of it being spent, god knows where it all goes.......

Time to get the accounts audited methinks...don't want to call your accountant only to have a voicemail telling you he's shut up shop and is now living in Brazil! Seriously, if you think money is missing, better to get it all audited!

I think that these days more and more couples are taking joint responsibility for these things, it's definitely the right way to go

seamus

My parents have always had a joint account with both of them having full access to it. They just keep each other informed of what they've spent and any big costs coming up.
My Dad is self employed though, so many costs on his side come out of the business account because they'd be business expenses, then fun money goes into the personal account for the two of them to spend. They have no dependents any more so it's happy days.

scoot on

This money issue always baffled me. My boyfriends parents keep their money completely seperate. His dad gives his mom money out of his wages every week to pay bills etc etc. I can kinda of understand this as it was the way they were raised and it's what they are used to. But my best friend (we're 23/24) and her boyfriend are exactly the same. If she buys him phone credit she gets the money back off him for it. This I can't understand! I could never get my head around it! My boyfriend comes home with his wages every week and hands them over to me. I work in finance so he knows i have a better handle on that kind of stuff than he does so he leaves it up to me. I always thought this was the way a relationship should work. I don't know how i'd react if my bf refused to tell me what he earned!