Problem with my g/f's new friend...

af_thefragile

Okay, so here's my situation. My gf just got into coll and found this new friend whom she thinks is a real cool guy. Problem is they guy is seriously hitting on her 24/7 now! My g/f did tell him many times she's already someone elz's and the dude was like yeah, he's cool with it, they'll only be friends. But he still keeps seriously still keeps hitting on my girl and its getting annoying. Like even my g/f doesnt like it and she wants him to stop trying/hitting whatever he's doing. My g/f doesnt even wanna loose him cuz like he's the only friend she has in her coll which she just started. And he's a really cool guy only has this screwy attitude.

Although he keeps telling her that they'll just remain friends, he keeps hinting her about more, says things like "your b/f might get really jealous of me cuz most girls with b/f's really find me attractive" and like he's just not right! I cant take him. Even my g/f feels uncomfortable but she says she needs him as a friend. Just needs him to stop hitting on her and be as a normal friend.

So guys/girls, any suggestions on how i could sort out stuff with this new friend of my g/f. I really dont want him to affect out relatioship. Like we were and are still doing awesome. I dont want this new dude in her life to spoil out relationship... Which i think can happen if somethin is not done soon. I cant live with a dude's who's hitting on my g/f 24/7! I wont even be comfortable accepting him as my g/f's friend.
So yeah guys... help needed!!!

Thanks!

LegacyUser

she needs to tell this guy straight, threaten him even 'I have a boyfriend who I'm really happy with and nothing will ever happen with me and you, if you can't accept that then we can't be friends anymore'
If he doesn't stop, I'm sure she can find new friends... Tell her how unhappy you are about this and that you really want it to stop...
However, do not get involved yourself, it will only encourage him to try harder... He needs to be told straight to stop, and she needs to make it clear that she means it...

dame

Your girlfriend needs to try harder to make some new friends, seriously. If it's been going on a while then it's obvious he's never going to be "just a friend" if he keeps harrassing her. How clear has she made it to him that she's just not interested? Is she a naturally flirty kind of girl? By being friendly and not clearly saying "No" then maybe she has accidentally led him to think she fancies him back.

I'd wonder is she secretly liking the attention he's giving her while you get jealous? Having the two of you vying for her attention might just be a bit of a thrill. It's also possible she's exaggerating the stuff he's saying to her.

easyontheeye

dame wrote:

How clear has she made it to him that she's just not interested?

yeah im curious too, if they guy is still pursuing her then how can he really be a good friend to her? Id be stepping in fairly soon if she either
a) didnt break contact with him over his persistant "come ons" or b) he didnt stop himself doing it . He's showing you no respect what so ever man

af_thefragile

No no, my g/f is awesome. The only thing is she's a really nice and soft person to be harsh to anyone. She is not flirty, but she is really friendly. She just started coll yesterday. She met the guy just for the third time today. She doesnt get on with most people easily while she gets on with few people really fast and good. So she ends up liking the people she gets on with.

Now i trust her and i know she's not gonna go anywhere with the guy. I just dont trust the guy. She told him pretty clearly about me a few many times and told him stuff like she wont leave me for anything and she's cant spend a day without speaking to me. The guy responded by saying he just wanted to be good friends, he wasnt gonna get in bed with her or anything. My g/f keeps reminding him all the time that she is already someone else's and the dude accepts it, but he just doesnt seem to get it that you cant hit on a girl who belongs to someone elz! My g/f is being nice to him cuz thats how she is, she cant be harsh to anyone. Its just she doesnt feel like she would fit in with the other people in her class and this guy is her only friend so she needs to stick with him. Btw, the coll is just a 6 months music related course.

orlyice

he's playing you.

The guy is trying to split ye up or enjoys rising you, and he's doing a really good job.

he is playing on the fact that you getting jealous, even if he doesnt say stuff like that in front of you, he will pick it up from the way your girlfriend reacts. his way of thinking is that you get jealous, seem possesive, girlfriend thinks you dont trust her, problems straight away!! he probably done this before with other couples too!!

you need to just trust her and dont take it out on her coz her mate is a toss pot. she is with you, not him.

af_thefragile

easyontheeye wrote:

yeah im curious too, if they guy is still pursuing her then how can he really be a good friend to her? Id be stepping in fairly soon if she either
a) didnt break contact with him over his persistant "come ons" or b) he didnt stop himself doing it . He's showing you no respect what so ever man

The guy is not clearly pursuing her. He just keeps hinting her all the time. I dont exactly know what his intentions are. My girlfriend has made it quite clear to him that she already belongs to someone elz and she wouldnt leave her b/f for anything. She's not even interested in going anywhere with the guy. She just wants a friend and the guy says they'll just be friends. But despite saying they'll only be friends and nothing more can happen in between them he still keeps hinting her all the time. And they've only met 3 times yet!
Like for this one instance, the guy was speaking bout his ex and how much he still loves his ex and how he kisses his ex on the cheek to let her know that he still loves her. Then he kisses my girlfriend on her cheek before leaving her. It freaked my g/f out a bit and she didnt like it.

I guess i should have mentioned, the guy was pretty interested in my g/f and when my g/f told him she already belonged to someone else, the dude said he was really dissapointed to get to know that!

sweet-rasmus

tough one. i assume that if her class is small, then i understand her longing to keep a friend. but she clearly needs to try to make friends with others. if the guy is obsessed it may be innocent enough, but distancing herself from him where possible would be best.

lets just hope he calms down within a week.

dame

If she only started college yesterday and has only just met him, then it's hardly a problem yet surely. Some guys just don't know how to talk to girls unless they're hitting on them. He'll settle down in a few days as he gets to know her. Like someone said before me, ignore him. This guy isn't a "friend" yet as such, after one day he's just an acquaintance. She shouldn't feel she has to protect his feelings or anything.

This course could be your girlfriends chance to step out of her comfort zone and try and talk to and get to know more people. Meeting one person on the first day somewhere new, and deciding you "need" him as a friend is a silly way to go through life. Encourage her to be more outgoing. It's for her own good. Deciding from the look of a group of people that you won't fit in is just ridiculous - ever heard the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover"?

sweet-rasmus

af_thefragile wrote:

Then he kisses my girlfriend on her cheek before leaving her.

this shouts distance him. it's unfortunate that your gf has to deal with this guy.

af_thefragile

orlyice wrote:

he's playing you.

The guy is trying to split ye up or enjoys rising you, and he's doing a really good job.

he is playing on the fact that you getting jealous, even if he doesnt say stuff like that in front of you, he will pick it up from the way your girlfriend reacts. his way of thinking is that you get jealous, seem possesive, girlfriend thinks you dont trust her, problems straight away!! he probably done this before with other couples too!!

you need to just trust her and dont take it out on her coz her mate is a toss pot. she is with you, not him.

I've never met the dude. Its just yesterday since they became friends and all this started! And i trust my girl a lot. She promised me she wouldn't let this relationship be spoiled cuz of him. I'm the most important thing in her life and she loves me a lot. I love her a lot too. I really dont want this relationship to be ruined cuz of some guy who's trying to come inbetween us.
It has happened to me before, my previous relationship got ruined cuz my ex (then g/f) started liking and got closer to my bestfriend that she was with me. I just really really dont want this relationship to end up that way! Not even get close. I dont want anything to affect this relationship. We're doing awesome. I want us to continue doing awesome!!

walrusgumble

this guy yer on about sounds like a total arrogant c*nt. do not be fooled this player is not showing you any respect. now assuming this goes on say in one months time, surely your girlfriend is not stupid, surely if she put herself in your shoes she would realise this too. what is wrong with her that she can not find new mates or hang with him less time. incidently its only her first few days in college so she will pick up ew friends soon.

is she always telling you what he is up to out of the blue, to try and make you jealous: or is she telling you to ensure you everything is ok? is she always talking about him?

there is a fine line beween you been jealous and you been disrespected by this c*nt, and i think its more of the latter.

despite the temptations of smashing his face in, it would not be a good idea as it would make you the jealous freak, embarrase your g/f and he will get what he wants (to rise you and possible sympathy from her). try and be digified (if all fails thump him or have him thumped lol, DON'T) another problem is if you show less interst in the situation that might drive her to him.

any girls here? if a guy was at first your friend but constantly hitting on you and you constantly telling him no and why you say no and say they are uncomfortable, would you stay friends with him if he is making you that uncomfortable?

you do not want this person make you to look like a mug, try and play it cool until you get better signals from your g/f that there is something up (if he goes with him there would not be much you could have done she would have gone with him, whether you thumped/talked about it or not) do you thrust her enough at this very moment? (you can keep that answer to yourself if you wish) hopefully you are in a situation that you do because you know yourelf without it th relationship is going know where.

alternatively,if he tries to say something smart to your face or you hear gossip of him running his mouth off about you, then let him know that under no uncertain terms that it would be good for his safety to walk away/or tell him how bang outta order he is and ask him would he like it done to him. others might have a better solution to use of violence, sorry if unhelpful. maybe if the others are right that she is playing mind games maybe you should do the same with another girl (these are just choices and thi one might not be a good one)

i know it is easy to say and hard to do, but if this situation drives you mental later on, and she does nought within reason, it might be a good idea to casually cut your loses and move on. good luck best thing to do for now is trust her and let her know that but at the same time you do not wish to be taken as a mug.

orlyice

walrusgumble wrote:

any girls here? if a guy was at first your friend but constantly hitting on you and you constantly telling him no and why you say no and say they are uncomfortable, would you stay friends with him if he is making you that uncomfortable?

ok i'm a girl and i think it might be a bit of a confidence boost for her. not a bad thing, but a lot of girls like having a guy after her, even though it might make her uncomfortable at the time, it still is flattering to know that another guy is after you. she not being mean, its nice to be complimented. or she might just want to have more mates and hopes this goes away

af_thefragile

I get what you guys are saying. My g/f is just a really soft and nice girl to be harsh to anyone. I dont wanna do anything as to offend my g/f either! I know she needs to go out there and find more friends. Btw her class is not too big. But i dont want her to lose a "friend" cuz of me. She keeps telling me to trust her and she wont let the dude get near her.

I completely trust my g/f but i dont trust the guy at all! He hits on my g/f but he's also nice to her at the same time. So she ends up enjoying his company. I think i'm being disrespected by this guy cuz he's not something worth getting jealous over. My g/f says she really needs this "friend" and i dont feel good making her stay away from this dude cuz of my own satisfaction. Like my g/f keeps assuring me she's all mine and she only love me and he's getting nowhere. I just cant be comfortable with this guy cuz i dont feel good bout his intentions. Its only 2days since they've known eachother and the guy acts as if they've been real close buddies for ages!!

orlyice

if they only friends a couple of days then their friendship mite be easy come.....easy go

walrusgumble

ye she is right. at least you have a good head and attitude. because that part of going with a girl. there will be plenty of incidents in niteclubs where a fella (or girl lol) will hit on your g/f, whether a fella knows you are with her or not. best thing there is that you, your self take it as a compliment,

try and get this issue out of your head,and maybe try and stop talking about it your g/f that ye trust eachother etc ie carry on as normal like it never happened

, i am sure even you wont wish your g/f to justify herself all the time. i suppose both of ye gotta remind each other on why ye are with each other ie being good to each other, caring, loving all the usual bf-gf things etc

af_thefragile

orlyice wrote:

if they only friends a couple of days then their friendship mite be easy come.....easy go

I hope its that way. But it doesnt look like that way. My g/f shows no intention of leaving him and look for new friends. I cant even force her to! She finds the dude charming. But says his charm is not gonna work on her cuz she loves me and she's all mine, the dude doesnt get to her. She keeps saying she wants the friend and he's a real nice only he keeps hitting on her. But she wont let it affect her and she'll only stay friends and nothing more... but i cant take em as friends either! although my g/f find the him a really nice guy, i find him extremely annoying and i cant take him! Not to add the fact i dont trust his intentions either!

Spitfire666

Have a quiet word with him and calmly let him know shes off limits. meet her after college and when she hugs and kisses you he'll get the idea.

dame

af_thefragile wrote:

He hits on my g/f but he's also nice to her at the same time. So she ends up enjoying his company. I think i'm being disrespected by this guy cuz he's not something worth getting jealous over. My g/f says she really needs this "friend" and i dont feel good making her stay away from this dude cuz of my own satisfaction. Like my g/f keeps assuring me she all mine

She's enjoying the flattery.

She doesn't have to accept a kiss on the cheek if she doesn't feel comfortable. All she needs to do is next time say "Whoa, I'm not one of those touchy-feely people" or something like that.

It also sounds like she's far too soft for her own good and possibly a bit needy. Why else would she latch onto one guy so quickly, the only one who's been friendly so far by the sound of it. Seriously, she absolutely has to make new friends and stop being so intimidated by the appearance of other people that she immediately decides she "won't fit".

It's possible the guy has noticed she's vulnerable and is just using her to boost his own ego - see how far a bit of flattery will get him with a girl who already has a boyfriend, something like that. He could get bored very quickly and then where will your girlfriend be? Crying cos her only "friend" has lost interest?

Give it a week or so but if he's still acting the same way then I would tell your girlfriend that it's just not on and she has to to either (a) MAKE him understand she's not interested (forget about being too soft, she has to learn to stand up for herself sometime) or else (b)stop being around him so much (sure be friendly and say hi in passing but not much more).

walrusgumble

you should not be concerned with his intentions. its you trusting her and her trusting herself that matters. i do really really understand your problem and see what you are saying. but for now there is not much you can do. try and get it out of your system

dame

Spitfire666 wrote:

meet her after college and when she hugs and kisses you he'll get the idea.

Excellent advice! Why didn't I think of that!
Only thing is don't do it in a really showy way, just do it naturally and ignore him. Don't clamp your arm around her and glare at him or anything or he might enjoy seeing you getting possessive, making it a challenge for him.

Spitfire666

exactly. or just meet her, give her a hug/kiss whatever, and say hi to him in a casual way introduce yourself

af_thefragile

yeah, thanks for all ur advice. I just hope my g/f understands me as well as she claims she does. I'll speak to her and encourage her to speak to more people at coll and make more friends.
I dont have anything to worry about at this stage. Its just i wanted to end this even before anything could start. It is probably quite flattering not so much for me but for my g/f to have someone hitting on her and maybe she deeply likes it. But she does know she has someone who likes her million times more than the guy she just met does and she does appreciate that. Thanks for yer help guys and girl(s). I'll get back to u if things get any worse, which i hope they dont!
Thanks.

Spitfire666

if they do get worse a good punch in the moth will sort it. not good advice but if it was me thats what id arange.

Jumpy

So many warnings and you always get the person who suggests violence.

Black Swan

af_thefragile wrote:

Like for this one instance, the guy was speaking bout his ex and how much he still loves his ex and how he kisses his ex on the cheek to let her know that he still loves her. Then he kisses my girlfriend on her cheek before leaving her. It freaked my g/f out a bit and she didnt like it.

This guy needs to see you and your g/f together more. You two holding each other, walking hand in hand, kissing and all that. Maybe then he will get the message?

cold_filter

af_thefragile wrote:

No no, my g/f is awesome. The only thing is she's a really nice and soft person to be harsh to anyone. She is not flirty, but she is really friendly. She just started coll yesterday. She met the guy just for the third time today. She doesnt get on with most people easily while she gets on with few people really fast and good. So she ends up liking the people she gets on with.

Now i trust her and i know she's not gonna go anywhere with the guy. I just dont trust the guy. She told him pretty clearly about me a few many times and told him stuff like she wont leave me for anything and she's cant spend a day without speaking to me. The guy responded by saying he just wanted to be good friends, he wasnt gonna get in bed with her or anything. My g/f keeps reminding him all the time that she is already someone else's and the dude accepts it, but he just doesnt seem to get it that you canadt hit on a girl who belongs to someone elz! My g/f is being nice to him cuz thats how she is, she cant be harsh to anyone. Its just she doesnt feel like she would fit in with the other people in her class and this guy is her only friend so she needs to stick with him. Btw, the coll is just a 6 months music related course.

I had a gf like this, she had a large chest which brought a lot of attention, when she started college she had quite a few male friends who constantly txt at all hours, i'll give you the same advice as i told her give them a firm "no, i'm not interested i've got a boyfriend".

AnonoBoy

She only met him yesterday. She only started college yesterday?

How is she worried about not having friends in her class yet? It's only the first day!! Jesus Christ, kids these days!. It takes time to settle into a course and get to know your classmates.

I think it was Sean Hughes that said once - the first person you meet in college you will spend the rest of the year avoiding. The guy's obviously a loser who thinks he has to hit on every girl he meets. It's the first day of college and he's trying it on! The guy is an asshole and you can be sure that your girlfriend will realise this very soon, as I'm sure will the rest of his class.

Don't worry about him - tell your girlfriend to be a bit distant with him - she doesn't have to be harsh but if he tries to kiss her again for her to tell him that it's not cool and he needs to back off. Also - tell her that making friends in college takes a bit of time. Suggest she just talks to people in the class a bit, have coffee/lunch with them. She'll find herself naturally gravitating towards people with similar interests.

Cailinor

Look i've been in your girlfriend's situation many times, in college most of my friends were guys and there was always a few who would want more than friendship even though they knew i was in a longterm relationship.
I can understand your girlfriend's situation in that she doesn't want to throw away what could be a potentially great friendship because this guy just hasnt yet got the message that she is madly in love with her own boyfriend! In the beginning some guys will chance their arm, but after this two things will happen
1. he just doesnt get it and eventually your girlfriend will have to humiliate him to get him to go away or get him tounderstand she's really not interested
2. as he gets to know her he will learn more about your relationship and respect what you both have and go from potential threat to a good friend she'll need. it all depends on how she deals with him. None of this polite stuff. if the guy is really perserverent and making her feel uncomfortable, she'll just have to straight out let him know and she can do it in a joky way, "Ah c'mon now, you can't be talking to me, i'm practically married, or i dont think my boyfriend would be too happy to hear you talking to me like that and /to be honest i dont want to be hearing it either, save it for the ladies.."
or maybe even get her to ask him is there any girls in the class he's interested in (to make him see her totally as a friend, and not as a potential whatever, cos we dont talk to people we fancy about other ppl we fancy)

either way if you're in a strong relationship you'll be fine and have no need for worry.

dame

Any update af_thefragile? Has he gotten the message yet?

Caliden

He sounds like a pure sleeze, get your gf to embarrass him while in class or something by saying "I told you ive got a boyfriend so stop hitting on me!" really loudly so others can hear her. This way they still stay friends but he gets a clearer message.
Other than that get your gf to invite him out with you some night and when you get a minute alone with him tell him that you don't mind as long as he is just friends with your GF but if he continues to flirt with your GF he will regret it.

af_thefragile

This thread is back??

Well for the update, the problem is sorted. My g/f gave out to the guy one day. He was goin on bout how he felt like he wanted her in his pants and all... My g/f had had enuf of it so she gave out to him well calling him a bastard who just wanted to take advantade of girl who doesnt get to see her b/f that often enuf.. and she went on for quite a bit (its been a while, dont exactly remember what she said, but she gave out well).
After that he got a lil nasty reality check and he stopped hitting on her and its all fine now. Its been quite a while since that happened now. My g/f never flited with him. She just used to stay quite while the dude continued speaking ****. Then one day she finally spoke (after i had to push her a bit to make her realise she cant just stand there and listed to ****, she needs to speak out and tell him to stop).

Now its all fine. Thanks you guys for yer advice!

To cailinor, She had to go by the 1st way of humilitaing him... She was serious, she didnt make a joke out of it, neither did she did it in front of the whole class, but the dude was humiliated for a while. Now they still speak and are like friends, but he doesnt hit on her anymore.

hobochris

thats good to hear...

as late as i might be... my two cents on this would have been.. to say to your gf that you trust her but that you dont trust him and are scared of what he might try in your absense...

the Punch in the mouth thing would be more of a thing if you found out she was cheating or something... i did it once...

an ex from a while back was out in town with the girls, i went out with the lads... and our paths crossed.. she went to the bar, a guy came up to her, they kissed..i was more angree then hurt.. i walked up punched the guy in the nose(nearly broke my hand)... he fell back.. i took her drink outta her hand and threw it over him.. walked out while she looked on in shock... got back to my mates gaff and deleted her number...She called my phone the next day to explain... i told her "not to call this number again".

but anyway glad to hear things didnt go that way for you..

Gyalist

I've just found this thread and I must admit to smiling wryly as I read it.

She tested you, and you failed. Don't for one moment think that everything's okay because it will happen again - if not with this guy, it will be another. One of the ploys that women use to manipulate their boyfriend/partner is to put him to compete against another man. She is subconsciously testing you for "alpha male" qualities and you failed.

af_thefragile

To hobochris: Thats was pretty ****.
I trust my g/f a lot. I know she'll never do anything like that to me. She's like only mine! And thats one reason why i really like her!

Beelzebub

Gyalist wrote:

I've just found this thread and I must admit to smiling wryly as I read it.

She tested you, and you failed. Don't for one moment think that everything's okay because it will happen again - if not with this guy, it will be another. One of the ploys that women use to manipulate their boyfriend/partner is to put him to compete against another man. She is subconsciously testing you for "alpha male" qualities and you failed.

Interesting insight!

"Then one day she finally spoke (after i had to push her a bit to make her realise she cant just stand there and listed to ****, she needs to speak out and tell him to stop).

The key here is that you had to push her, she wasn't doing it off her own bat.
Like she didn't want to do it.
Hopefully she's changed though and this won't happen again.
If it was me I would have said something to the guy, made him an offer he couldn't refuse...short of actual violence mind...

dame

Glad to hear it's sorted af_thefragile. Best of luck for the future!

Sony

Gyalist wrote:

I've just found this thread and I must admit to smiling wryly as I read it.

She tested you, and you failed. Don't for one moment think that everything's okay because it will happen again - if not with this guy, it will be another. One of the ploys that women use to manipulate their boyfriend/partner is to put him to compete against another man. She is subconsciously testing you for "alpha male" qualities and you failed.

wow well said:D

Mike...

Shoot him

spinandscribble

Gyalist- dear god, what type of women do you date?

Nevyn

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r3nu4l

OP, glad the problem is sorted out, if I were you I'd ignore anything after your own post #32