damage control after telling friend I had/have feelings for them

LegacyUser

So I told a friend that I had feelings for them. I know there are plenty of reasons I shouldn’t have and I probably did it at the worst time in the worst way (an email after I saw her) but Im feeling far better now.

Sure I was expecting a I see you as friend reply, but not such a frosty one. The reception was a lot colder than I expected; was basically dismissed and wished good luck for my college exams in the next few months.

Arguably the situation is made more complicated because it’s a purely one on one friendship (no group) and she recently moved quite far away meaning to see each other someone has to go seriously out of their way… and regardless of me having sent this, we probably would not have seen each other again before this summer.

I’m desperate for any damage control ideas. Readers might say I should have thought of this before but what can I answer to that? I can give fifty reasons why I don’t want this to end the friendship (and if it does, I’ll have to look back on what was perhaps the best year of my life with regret)

I was thinking of sending a short thought-out letter apologizing for the email, saying that I was expecting the reply (which I was),hoping she won’t judge me for it and that’s she’s a great friend and I would never expect anything else… or could that just be taken the other way? I’m lazy replying with an email that can be so easily ignored-deleted, and neither of us are really phone people. Or might the letter just make things worse?

spinandscribble

rejection by friends should be more warm then that. her telling you good luck in ur exams shows she wishes to break contact. if i was you i'd be straight and tell her although you knew she didnt feel the same way you felt she could have handled it a bit better as you didnt expect to cut contact with a friend because of this.

Sparky

I done what you done OP because I couldn't hold it in.
I shouldn't have said it, but I did.
It wasn't welcomed and I know why. I have learned my lesson from it!

You do feel like apoligising, but on another note, you feel like you're making the suitation worse. Its better to atleast still have them as a friend rather than no contact at all.
I get the feeling that since she is moving further away, she is not into having a relationship with you. She may get hurt being so far away from you and you will too the same. Wait a bit and see how things go.

JC 2K3

A point worth mentioning is you probably had so much fun because you were attracted to her. Nothing wrong with that, but tbh I'd say the best mode of damage control would be some time apart with perhaps the odd text/email every now and then. All will be forgotten quite quickly. Getting yourself another girlfriend/at least widening your girl radar and focusing less on this girl in terms of a potential gf would be a good idea.

Yes, I've been there.

Elessar

Never apologise for how you feel. It would be the worst thing you could do.

Also, never profess love through email.

Drift

I'd recommend not sending her anything more for the time being OP. You don't want to make her feel hassled. I'd leave it a while and see if she gets in contact with you in the meantime. If not then an email in the future at some stage, but not too soon. Just telling her how you are, asking how she is ... catch up type of stuff. If she replies to that then you can probably move gradually towards a friendship again. If not then she probably wants to cut all contact.

I know its rough OP, but if she's worth having as a friend she'll see that you had to pluck up a lot of courage to tell her how you felt and she'll soften up towards you. If she is still cold and distant from you then maybe she's not as good a friend as you thought she was. In fact if she was that good of a friend why didn't she do her best to be gentle and tell you in a sensitive manner that she didn't have the same feelings for you.

Hold it together OP and try not to think about her too much. (Easier said than done I know from experience)

Edit: just to say that like pretty much every other guy in the whole world i've been there too

cornbb

If you are prepared to accept the rejection and want to go back to being the way ye were, and it appears to me that that sums up your thoughts on the whole thing, then you have a right to do so IMO. Your friend may have been caught on the hop by this, or whatever, but she should have the decency to not shun you or cast you aside, so long as you are prepared say "ok sorry, I had to ask but you said no, that's your right so lets just get on with being friends". If she's not accepting this straight away, talk to her about it, openly, frankly and briefly. Don't go writing letters or emails, just talk. If she can't be friends with you after that, then that sucks, but I don't think you should blame yourself if that happens. You just went with your feelings, sometimes thats just what a guy needs to do, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Zambia

Hey you have been shot down , pick yourself up , dust yourself off and find a new plane some decent wing men and get back out there.

Dont dwell on it, its life no ones dead. i am sure this happened to me but to be honest i cant recall

Faith

I've been the girl in this situation (I was actually worried it was me in the OP for a minute!). I freaked out when my friend told me, and I distanced myself from him. Luckily, I was going back to uni the next week. He emailed me saying that he'd really like to visit, and I completely panicked. Eventually, I replied, trying to put him off visiting, and bluntly saying "If you visit, nothing will happen between us. We're friends and that's it, as far as I'm concerned." It was probably too blunt and harsh, but in fairness to him, he replied wonderfully. He told me that he felt I wasn't comfortable with his feelings for me and not to worry, he wouldn't bring them up again. He said he really valued our friendship and he didn't want to lose it.

That put me totally at ease, and we're still friends. I'd advise you to reply in that manner. Don't act hurt or wounded or like you don't care. Just say that you're cool with the fact she doesn't feel the same way, and you won't mention your feelings again unless she brings it up first.

jrey1981

It takes time, so give the girl some space.

Easier said than done admittedly. Maybe wait til her birthday comes around and send her a light hearted happy birthday, how you doin' and what're u up to email...

Red Alert

Faith wrote:

"If you visit, nothing will happen between us. We're friends and that's it, as far as I'm concerned."

If I was the guy I'd prefer to get that than some wishy-washy email. Nice one faith, and good to hear you 2 are still mates.

The truth is that she might need time to calm down after being told that, and wrote the reply email in the heat of the moment. Not very nice to be on the receiving end of it but I'd hope that would be the case.

I'm not sure sending her an email in the first place was all that good an idea, but that's water under the bridge now. I'd much prefer to do it by e-mail in ways, but a few female mates have said it's a no-no.

I think it might be best to drop the letter idea. A letter or email (or any of these delayed sending things) are not a normal interaction. They're all one-way, so any emotion expresssed is also one-way. So for example you can't modulate what you do/say based on how it's being taken up.

One of the hardest things personally I ever did about 3 years ago, was to have a chat with a friend about my feelings for her. It was quite rewarding to have done it though. She felt the same way too, and we were going out for a bit.

Then things turned sour, and we broke up because basically I had had enough of all the carry-on. So about a week later, a longish letter arrives in my house. Full of anger, and it was really powerful but unpleasant to read, because although I could have and did reply by letter, I wasn't able to defend myself against all the crap she was saying as she was saying it. Sorry, I'm rambling again so back on track - a letter's just not good for doing this because of the emotional time lag.

I'm in a like-friend situation at the minute but circumstances have meant I won't see her for a bit, which in a way is a good thing. Hope this all works out for you OP.

Black Swan

Faith wrote:

I'd advise you to reply in that manner. Don't act hurt or wounded or like you don't care. Just say that you're cool with the fact she doesn't feel the same way, and you won't mention your feelings again unless she brings it up first.

Grand advice!

matt-dublin

Yes, Never apologise for how you feel.
you haven't done anything wrong, and i agree with faith, that is excellent advise.
Play it cool, most likely she got a shock and probably wasn't expecting it. I've been there once or twice, once it worked out and once it didn't. But the time it didn't i have now become really good friends with the girl after little while of awkwardness.
I don't see her as i did before now, and i think the truth and communication actually made us much better friends.

Give her a little space and let her adjust to it. I would seriously guess that she wasn't expecting it hence why you got such an abrupt reply. Take faith's advice but leave it for a little while first.

py2006

I recall being in a similar situation where I my head was wrecked with feelings for a friend. I was advised by lots of people to tell her how I felt but I couldn't and didn't for whatever reason! I am glad now as I would have made a fool out of myself!

I think when you have feelings for a friend and worry about loosing a "great friendship", well its the feelings for this friend that make the friendship great. If you didn't have such feelings then you wouldn't be as enthusiastic about the friendship. It took me a while to realise this.

I am not as enthusiastic now about the friendship as I was as over time my feelings have subsided somewhat. Mainly because she is now living outside Dublin and I dont see her as often. Which is a good thing OP, the fact that your friend is not living close to you and you wont see her for a few months will make the whole thing alot easier to get over!

5starpool

Can you pretend you were drunk and emotional? Failing that, then just try to state that you understand and you just miss them, etc. Don't reply in a frostly manner to them or else you will alienate things even more.

LegacyUser

'I appreciate the replies, I really do!!

Just to answer some points.

I feel like contacting her now because I don’t want her to think I’m pissed off-angry about it. I’m not, I said it, I said it expecting her reply, and I’m feeling a whole better now that I’ve said it. Now I’ve shock horror moved on (and I really didn’t think I would). It’s easier than I expected and it’s something I’d recommend.

As for what I’d like to write. I don’t want to apologize for my feelings but rather for the position I put her in and explain why I had to tell her.

Someone mentioned it was the best year because I fancied the girl, I would disagree. During that time, I really only saw her as a friend. Why the friendship was so great, she took me into a world I had no interest in and a lot of where I am today and aiming for today is actually thanks her (and if I become bitter against her, I guess I end up being bitter about myself and what I am doing). My imagination-feelings only started running away with me after she left.

I wouldn’t tell her this but I don’t think the fault is all mine and consciously-unconsciously she did a great job at plucking me out of my group of friends and actually turning some against me, just maybe I should have been smarter about it. Lesson really learnt there, but then everything has its costs.

As for drink-emotional, I think that’s an excuse and I’d rather just be honest about it.

I would love to just talk to her but she lives 15hrs flight away. Email, letter, or skype… and I don’t think I’d say what I want to say on Skype, I don’t feel like another email with a 10 word reply so I’m back to a succinct letter. At least she has to read it, once, maybe twice and maybe she’ll understand.'

Kell

what2donow wrote:

The reception was a lot colder than I expected; was basically dismissed and wished good luck for my college exams in the next few months.

<RANT> Why do some women go all huffy and píssy when a guy does this? It is so fúcking childish. What do they expect? That your going to fawn over them and try and shág their leg like a randy dog or something? Someone says to me "hey I really like you and want to be more friends" I go "hey thats great" or gentley let them down as the case may be- but no fúckin weird shít. Down with weird shít when you tell someone you like em<END RANT>

OP- she wasnt really much of a friend in hindsight now was she to have reacted like that. TBH, if someone said they liked me and it wasnt reciprocated, I have always wound up having a giggle with them about it. This is what FRIENDS do with eachother not go all fúckin weird and........ (in danger of a second rant)

K-

j0e

let me get this straight, ure in love with this girl and yet you still want to be mates with her? wont that like rip u piece by piece, what if see gets a boyfriend, will you not turn bitter? I'd say hats off for coming clean but how do you see ureself being able to keep a relationship without your feelings overriding the whole situation

LegacyUser

'OP, were you more of a friend to her than she was to you.
Because a true friend wouldn't have reacted that way...'

Drift

EnorMouse wrote:

'OP, were you more of a friend to her than she was to you.
Because a true friend wouldn't have reacted that way...'

Q F T


Thank you EnorMouse I was trying to say that earlier but I'm not as eloquent as you are.

LegacyUser

'Let it go. I wouldn't keep trying. She doesn't deserve it.
I told my best friend I had feelings for him and he said "We're friends, I love hanging around with you but that's all I want. I think we make much better friends than anything else"
After that we both just forgot it happened and we are now loser friends than ever...
She should not have reacted like that at all. Just forget her, as hard as it may seem.'

Reku

j0e wrote:

let me get this straight, ure in love with this girl and yet you still want to be mates with her? wont that like rip u piece by piece, what if see gets a boyfriend, will you not turn bitter? I'd say hats off for coming clean but how do you see ureself being able to keep a relationship without your feelings overriding the whole situation

If you can't bear to see them HAPPY with someone else you must ask yourself if you truely love them?
If you do then you should be able to find joy in their happiness, if not have you any real right to have an issue with their being with someone else?

s&mbarbie

i had a friend drop that on me before...to be honest i was kind of stunned and really awkward there and then, probably not the reaction he was hoping for, but we talked it out, he hadn't meant to freak me out he just wanted me to know & we still remained good friends afterwards.

Pablo-El-Vagabu

Email is possibly the worst way of communicating something important.

Unfortunately there is no real way of knowning what her exact feelings on your friendship are unless you talk face to face.

Maybe suggest meeting at a cafe for some coffee and ask her if she would still like to be friends?

ferdi

farohar wrote:

If you can't bear to see them HAPPY with someone else you must ask yourself if you truely love them?
If you do then you should be able to find joy in their happiness, if not have you any real right to have an issue with their being with someone else?

rubbish, far too hollywood/simplistic.

if you love someone, seeing them with someone else will tear you apart. u cant eat or sleep and its killing you inside.

as pointed out in When Harry met Sally, men and women cant be friends when they are attracted, so all this 'even though you dont like me back, i value your friendship too much to lose you' is crap.