Funeral question

LegacyUser

hey guys,
Well the story is, unfortunately my poor Nan is on the way out. She has deteoriated a lot over the past week and it will eventually happen in a matter of weeks/days.
I'm 21 and to be honest, i'm not the best at funerals, The few i have been to i have cried a lot etc.
So the thing with this one is that as I am one of her 4 male grand children, i am certain that i will be asked to carry the coffin from the church.
This thought frightens me, will it be heavy?, will i break down?, etc...
I dont want to say to my dad that i dont want to do it. I will be expected to carry out this task and to be quite honest i would like to do it. i suppose i just wanna ask has anyone has done it before? tips, advice on how to keep a level head etc.
As i say hopefully i wont have to use the advice for a long time to come but we're being realistic in terms of her current condition.

Talliesin

'A coffin quite heavy, but far from a difficult physical weight unless you have a medical problem.

People do break down carrying them, and undertakers are experienced enough to be able to quickly and discreetly take over.

That said, you'll find that a lot of people who were crying throughout manage to cope with the task.'

b3t4

As Talliesin said undertakers are very experienced in this matter.

I've been to quite a few funerals where the undertaker will make a particular point to stay beside someone who is quite upset and carrying the coffin.

If on the day you truly don't feel up to carrying the coffin nobody will think any less of you if you don't.

A

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Sorry to hear about your Nan's poor health.

Are you very close to her?

I've had the honour of carrying two coffins in my life. My Nan, and my best mate.

The coffin is heavy, but the undertakers should arrange the lads carrying it so as to spread the weight, see if you can stand in the middle if you think you might fall, there is less weight there, and less of a chance of the coffin actually falling if you fall, as it will still be supported at all corners.

Good luck with it, think of it as a great honour, carrying your Nan on your shoulders as she makes her final journey, be proud you were asked to be a part of this. That helped me through both times I had to do it.

Drift

Sorry to hear about you Gran. I'm pretty sure you won't break down. I was very upset when my Gran died. Me and my brothers carried her coffin and we were all crying at the time but none of us had any problems with physically doing it. I think you'll find that the honour of doing it gives you internal strength.

BobTheBeat

Having been asked to carry a coffin for the 1st time (for my cousin) a number of weeks ago, I shared many of your concerns. But rest assured, it is easier than you think.

Don't forget, you will be with 4-6 other people all doing the same job. The undertakers are professional and will instruct you how to distribute yourselves around the coffin.

Be happy that you get to send your nan off this way.It is a great honour to assist in this procession and you should be glad that you helped bring her on her final journey. It's tough, but you will get through it. Best of luck:)

LegacyUser

I have six older brothers and when mam died years ago they ranged in ages from 11 - 27. They all carried the coffin, even the 11, 14 and 15 year olds. They managed it and she was a heavy lady and it was one of the hottest days of the year. They still remember how heavy it was, and the younger ones were bawling their heads off while carrying it (only natural), but they managed and are glad they carried her to her resting place (being their age my sisters hadn't wanted them carrying it).

You will be fine and probably glad you done it. And sorry to hear about your gran!

tbh

sorry to hear about your nan, I lost mine last year, and carried the coffin. Two things you should know: It's not as difficult as it looks, and it'll be over before you know it. As most people have said, the undertakers do this day in day out, and they know what to look out for. It's a nice thing to be able to do for your nan, but if you can't do it on the day, everyone will understand.

Victor

I carried a cousin, but point out refused to carry my niece.

Cousin - big guy, steel coffin, took some effort. They could have given me some notice.

Niece - it felt like they were asking me to kill her again.

If you know which undertaker will be used, drop in to them at a quiet time (I'm guessing middle of the day) or any undertaker and explain what you are about. Phoning ahead to get a quiet time would be appreciated.

Bazzy

I had to carry my aunty's coffin not so long ago, I was in the middle which wasnt too bad.

I put my arm across the bottom of the coffin and rested it on my uncles shoulder he was the other side which helped.

But as has been said the undertakers are professionals at what they do and they will step in if needs be.

Also something to note the undertakers told us not to touch the handles they must have only been plastic, dunno if its the same for all coffins.


It is heavy enough but the pride you have in being asked to carry it will give you strength.

Sorry to hear about your Nan and I hope everything goes ok for u


Bazzy

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Re the handles, they are only there for show afaik, they won't take the weight.

Ever notice how when the coffin is going into the ground it is lowered from below by the straps too?

Froot

It depends on the coffin and the person I suppose regards the weight. At my grandmothers funeral the coffin was quite heavy and I has struggling under the weight because I was only 16 or something. As long as you get paired up with someone of equal enough height you shouldnt have a problem.
I didnt carry my own mothers coffin, I just went into autopilot for the whole funeral and stood at the sideline I suppose while everyone else did all the formal stuff.

You dont have to carry it if you dont want, you do not have to go to the funeral if you dont want to. That may sound ridiculous but it really is entirely up to you how you want to do this.

LegacyUser

'cheers for the responses guys,
I suppose its something every man has to do at some stage....
I'll go ahead with it alright, just natural nerves i suppose.
I never thought of the 'pride' aspect behind it all... that has put a lot into perspective. She has had a long and happy life and it would be an honour to lead her to to her final resting place... but hopefully not for another while!
thanks again guys'

Muzzy

Sorry to hear about what's happening.

Had the same experience last summer with my gran over in London, on one of the hottest days of the year and we had a steep embankment to go up as well.

Honestly, you will be fine, yer Gran if she was like mine won't weigh much.

A couple tips, they've been said already but no harm to say em again.

Don't panic.
Watch the feet of who ever is in front of you, keep in step with them.
Don't even touch the handles on the side, they are superglued and tacked.
Don't feel that you MUST do, it's OK to back out.
The undertakers will be right beside you.
Don't move until you are settled.
Get all thoughts about letting it fall outta yer head, it will only panic you and steer yer mind away from your real job, delivering your beloved Gran Mother to her resting place.
Be proud and don't panic.

I carried my gran and was proud to do it, not emplying that you are not in any way, just watching my words. I "whimped" out at the point where they lower the coffin using the straps into the grave; that I found much harder, not the fear of messing up but just the emotion that goes with lowering the coffin.

Carrigart Exile

Carrying the coffin is a great honour mate and take it from someone who has buried both his parents, the responsibility gets you through the service. On a practical side make sure you are paired up with someone your own size that way the weight is spread evenly

FranchisePlayer

When my bro recently died I backed out of carrying his coffin because I Didn't want to drop it.:( To the op nobody will think any less of you if you are not able to do it.

Wishbone Ash

Sorry for you troubles OP.

I've carried several coffins and didn't have any problems. In saying that, I wasn't particularly upset at any but I think concentrating on the job at hand will take over.

Carrying a coffin can be a little tricky on steep inclines or along narrow paths between headstones but as the others have said, the undertaker will have all angles covered.

Sam Vimes

Unreg2468 wrote:

hey guys,
Well the story is, unfortunately my poor Nan is on the way out. She has deteoriated a lot over the past week and it will eventually happen in a matter of weeks/days.
I'm 21 and to be honest, i'm not the best at funerals, The few i have been to i have cried a lot etc.
So the thing with this one is that as I am one of her 4 male grand children, i am certain that i will be asked to carry the coffin from the church.
This thought frightens me, will it be heavy?, will i break down?, etc...
I dont want to say to my dad that i dont want to do it. I will be expected to carry out this task and to be quite honest i would like to do it. i suppose i just wanna ask has anyone has done it before? tips, advice on how to keep a level head etc.
As i say hopefully i wont have to use the advice for a long time to come but we're being realistic in terms of her current condition.

i carried my 22 year old friend's coffin about 2 months ago. at the time i was so focussed on what i was doing and not messing it up that i didn't even think about it. i was in a kind of daze. afterwards i had a hard time with it though. couldn't quite believe it was my best mate in there

it won't be heavy. the weight is spread across everyone

Red Alert

I carried my granddad's coffin, but he was a very small and light man, and there were six people carrying the coffin. It was a very calm, collected, peaceful funeral, because he had only a very short illness and was ok up until the end, despite his age.

I did one of the readings too, i don't know if it will float your boat or not, but it might be good for yourself to have said/done something in the ceremony - really up to you though, just putting the idea out there.

EDIT: I misread the post and the bit I just took out didn't make any sense. Sorry for any offence caused.

dade

I was asked to carry my fathers coffin about 10 years ago. I knew i couldnt do it. Not that I didn't have the physical ability but the inner strength to do it. to be honest I was terrified to go near the coffin, So I asked my Uncle to take my place. he and my father where very close. he felt honoured and I walked beside my mother helping her.