Daughter In Law/Sister In Law From HELL

LegacyUser

ok really really need your advice on this...I'll try and cut a long story short...My brother got married last year, they were together for over 6 years in which we always got on with her (his wife) she was always made welcome, we always exchanged birthday presents, xmas presents etc, was brought into personal family matters etc, basically she was treated like one of us...Once they got engaged everything changed, she immediately started to eliminate us, now there is only me my mam and dad, I have lost 2 other siblings....Slowly her visits stopped, she didnt tell us anything about the wedding nor did my brother, we knew nothing at all, not even the colours of the bridesmaids dresses etc...We asked questions tried to show interest even though we had only lost one of my siblings, things werent easy on us because of their death...Anyway she didnt come near the house, they got married and things went downhill very fast, my brother and I havent spoken since he got married, nor have I spoken to her (because she attacked me a year before they married because of a colour I had chosen for my dress for the wedding and I wasnt bridesmaid) to cut a long story short my brother and her only called to the house once since they married and she barely spoke....My mam and dad have called out to their house in the hope of keeping contact etc. I havent been..My mam went out the other night and she devoured my mam, started shouting and roaring at her, telling her everything was her fault, how none of us liked her and shes had enough, a few times she stood up and stood over mam screaming, then she started shouting (when mam decided to keep stump for my brothers sake) saying none of us care about my brother, with which mam said how dare you say we dont care about him hes our world with everything we've gone through etc...She didnt listen just kept screaming the same things again and again while my brother cried his eyes out on the couch not saying anything...Basically what do we do? My mam hasnt slept and is very upset, we are now convinced that shes the one putting in the poison turning him against us. She really doesnt know what to do nor do I...Any help would be appreciated...

Nevyn

Pretend they moved and went to live in Austrila or New Zeland.

Your brother made his bed and seems to be sleeping in it comfortibly enough,
if he wasn't he would have took the time to call and keep in touch with his family and to see his parents.

You can beat yorself up over it as much as you like but it is a no win situation if you go and confront him it only makes matters worse

You brother is responsible for his realtionship with his parents and his siblings and if he is letting himself be swayed and is choosing his wife over family in all things then there is nothing you can do about it but leave him be and let him get on with it.

He will either be miserible or happy in the long run and he has to add up the costs himself.

It can be very hard, esp when you love him and miss him so much and are concerned for his happiness if his wife behaves like all the time.

It can be like mourning him and he is not even dead just living in what seems to be another world.

Keep in touch send cards and be there if he decides to try and pick up and mend the realtionships with his family he has cast aside.

free2fly

Is it possible to meet your brother somewhere alone so that the two of can talk privately? Maybe he would be able to open up to you and let you know what is going on? It sounds like his wife needs professional help tbh.

LegacyUser

no its not possible to get him on his own as such, he wouldnt do it because she wont agree...I havent been well the last few months, I have a serious illness and mam has been saying that Im not too good etc but she basically told mam they are lying, how dare she...I too think she's a complete lunatic and needs serious help....God help my brother...

Jotter

When family members die suddenly it can either bring a family closer or pull them apart. Your brother sounds like he has issues that he is either ignoring or not able to tackle right now. Your sister in law is out of order attacking your mother like that. However the fact that your brother was sitting crying on the couch and not sticking up for your family could possibly mean there is either some truth in what she was saying and you dont realise it or that your brother has been talking to her about your family and how he feels and what she said in anger is based on his perception of how hes treated within the family.
There is of course always the possiblility that shes just a cow but it sounds to me like its more than just that.
Has your family ever considered counselling individually or as a group? Your brother will most likely be expecting some kind of talk after what happened so now is a good time to do just that.
I hope it all works out ok for you but I know through experience that sometimes its hardest to communicate your feelings to your family, thats why I think you should suggest family counselling, everyone get to see things from each others point of view, when emotions run high or low there is someone there whon can see things from outside the circle and hopefully bring you all back together in some way.
Hope it all goes well for you.

LegacyUser

'no there is no truth in what she is saying we were a close family, shes told a lot, and I mean a lot of lies and hes believing her, he has told her everything about us (obviously as they are 2gether years) but she has gone and told every little detail to her "mummy, daddy brother and sister" they know everything and her sister totally disregards us when we meet, just sniggers, we cannot understand why shes turned into such a bitch...He wouldnt go for family counselling, I know that much'

davyjose

That is so horrible to hear, and I hope you get well soon. Someone made the point that some families can be torn apart from a death. This appears to be the case. The fact that he is in denial about your illness very much points towards this. I think it is your brother who probably has the problem - I mean no offence, but his reaction to his wifes outburst seems quite odd. Even in a worst case scenario, where he thought this was reasonable recourse by his wife, he would try to defuse the situation, not sit there crying.
I can't imagine either of the two of them are very happy at the moment, perhaps this has somehow been blamed on your family. Whatever the case, it is probably best to leave him be. It may be that he will find his own way, but he may not. What is clear is that there is very little you can do right now. You need to make yourself better, you need to look after what family you have. You have a life to live, and you can be happy - there is still a family there. That is the best thing you can do for your parents.
Once again I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

Fanny Cradock

Sorry to hear that OP - especially about your siblings. Out of curiosity did you ask for advice on this before?

I seem to remember a similar post a few months back, i.e. a bitch of a sister-in-law upsetting the whole family, something about fight over the colour of a dress for the wedding and the brother doing nothing to help matters. If not maybe someone could drag it up and it may be of help

the_syco

Fanny Cradock wrote:

I seem to remember a similar post a few months back, i.e. a bitch of a sister-in-law upsetting the whole family, something about fight over the colour of a dress for the wedding and the brother doing nothing to help matters. If not maybe someone could drag it up and it may be of help

Aye, sounds like it alright. Google brings up nothing, tho

=-=

OP: boycott them. If they want to believe that, let them. Tell your mother that he's dug his hole, so let him lie in it for a bit. As for the sister-in-law, don't mack down. Ignore her, and tell your brother that you won't be talking to them untill he grows a pair.

kittenkiller

I know it would be difficult from what you've posted previously, but try to get your brother on his own, maybe during his lunch break from work and have a good ol' chat with him.
Maybe since he's not been speaking with you or your family in such a long time, he believes all the bull his wife is spouting.

Try to make contact and if things don't work out, at least you've done your bit.

Best of luck with it all, try not to let what other people get up to get under your skin too much.

Beruthiel

adviceneeded_ wrote:

we are now convinced that shes the one putting in the poison turning him against us.

And he has allowed her to.
You cannot blame her totally for this, my partner is welcome to say anything he wishes about my family. That would not stop how I feel about them, nor would it stop me from seeing them.
Your brother needs to grow a pair and put her in her place. You cannot do this for him and if he's too weak to do it for himself, perhaps time alone will help him see her for what she is.
All you can do is tell him you love him and you are there for him if he needs you. Leave it at that.

Sleepy

Maybe write him a letter? Though she sounds like the sort who'd read his private mail it might be a good way of establishing direct contact with him alone? If you're worried about her reading it first, maybe you could send the mail to wherever he works?