is it really over???

LegacyUser

Few months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend. And I did it more than once. I told him straight away, and needless to say, he was devastated. Still is. We went on a break, then broke up,got back together, and are now on a break again. He feels like this really is the end, but he can't bring himself to break up with me. However, I don't feel like this is it. It can't be...

I want to know if anyone has any advice on how he could start to get over this. I know it would be a long, and gruelling process. But I don't want to loose him. I love him.

He knows how sorry I am, but the betrayal is constantly on his mind. I ruined our new years. We can't even go on a night out because it reminds him of what I did. Spending the night together also makes him sad. I need to do
whatever it takes to help him... So any help/advice would be much appreciated

(people who are just gonna post "oh you obviously don't love him if you cheated", don't even bother. I do love him, and he knows this)

Thanks for reading...

Beruthiel

worst gf ever wrote:

(people who are just gonna post "oh you obviously don't love him if you cheated", don't even bother. I do love him, and he knows this)

Maybe you do love him, but not enough to stay faithful eh?
That's how I'd see it if I were cheated on.
It also wouldn't matter what was said to me afterwards, it would be over. That's because I would never be able to forget and it would ruin the relationship, causing nothing but misery.
It would seem to me that your b/f thinks the same way, you should understand that you may not be able to fix this no matter how much you want to. Some people just can't get past that.
Give him his space and see what happens.

Femelade

well i reckon its over. Nobody can get over a cheater, and if they think they have, they are only cheating themselves...let him move on.

Dragan

The thing about posting on a forum is you don't really get to choose the answers that people are going to give.

There is no particular way that people can advise for him to "get over it." You betrayed him, he trusted you and you threw it back in his face. I now suggest that you stop thinking about all this as being an inconvenience for you, as that is how it comes across in your post.

"I cheated, but i love him, and i want him to better so he loves me again."

It strikes me that you really do have no idea what you had done to the poor guy. As you have also said that you cheated on him more than once then i am willing to bet you will do it again.

My advice is , if you really love him, them let him go and find someone who's not going to hurt him.

BoozyBabe

worst gf ever wrote:

Spending the night together also makes him sad.

I need to do whatever it takes to help him...

If it's true, then let him go.
You've said yourself, him being with you makes him sad.
You don't want the one you to love be sad.


I love my bf very very much, & I'd never ever cheat on him & he knows it.
But I'm not gonna get into the whole "you cheated on him" thing, others will do enough of that as it is.

Thing is:- my bf goes (without me) out with /on hols with / weekends away with his mates.
He has a great time, I love the fact that he enjoys himself, love hearing the stories, but what I love the most is that I can trust him 100% & that him going away with mates doesn't cause me 1 seconds worse of concern.

If it did, or if he ever give me reason to be concerned, that'd be relationship over for me.

With you, your bf will never have that trust again & that's a sad way to be.
Let him go.

sorry, I know it's not what you wanted to hear

dr.bollocko

It really saddens me to see posts like this. Sometimes, love just isnt enough to make some of the relationship's biggest problems go away. Sometimes, you have to make a ruling with your head and not with your heart. The poor guy has been through a lot, and his confidence is shaken, and being near you hurts him, and being apart hurts him, so you dont know what to do.
Sometimes, relationships are like an old favourite vase that been around the house for years. One day it shatters, but you can collect all the pieces and glue it back together so as nobody would notice. But if it gets knocked over again, the pieces get smaller, harder to put together. Eventually, you have a vase that used to look very good, and from far away seems ok, but really what you need is a new vase.

Magic Pips

Dragan wrote:

My advice is , if you really love him, them let him go and find someone who's not going to hurt him.

No need for anymore discussion tbh. Drags hit the nail on the head. I've cheated on 1 long term g/friend before (years ago) and its a ****ty feeling. If you can't be faithful its your own decision. I'm now happily faithful, i have had and will have chances to cheat, and these are girls i really fancy - one especially - but giving into whims is simply weak, and if you feel like doing it break up with your loved one.

dellas1979

Less with the attitude young lady (OP).

You are making it out like hes the one in the wrong wanting to break up with you. Holy god, surely you can see that cheating on someone (mulitple times) is a terrible thing to do, but acting so selfish is another kettle of fish.

If you care enough for him , then you let him go.
And stop thinking about yourself and the consequences that this will have on you.

You created the mess and made a holy show of the whole relationship.

Learn a lesson and let him move on.

~nop~

Haha wait a minute till I get this straight.. you want us to tell you how to help your boyfriend get over you after you cheated on him?

Hate to say it love, but you can't comfort him now, you can't help him through this. If you love him walk away and stay there. Let him have space and start to see what a bitch you were, whether or not it's true.

He sounds like a lovely guy, but it's not up to you to work it out anymore, or to help him get over you.

If I'm not mistaken you want to "help him" so much that he realises how much he really needs and loves you, and that is just not fair on the poor boy.

Honestly I think the general consensus here is that you should leave, and not look back.

You can always meet up in a year or two and talk about it but now is not the time until he has had proper thinking room, and don't even mention that or let it stay in your mind for the moment, because if he's going to ever forgive you it will take a long long time, and he can't see clearly until you're gone as it sounds like you're just messing him around at the moment, so go

RealJohn

I, like Magic Pips, cheated on a long-time girlfriend a few years back. I told her immediately, she tried to forgive me, we tried to get through it but it was never the same.

I genuinely did love her. I genuinely felt terrible. It destroyed my own confidence for a long time and obviously, it destroyed her confidence in me. Afterwards, I always felt like I had to make it up to her. That was no kind of relationship and in my heart, though we dragged it out for more than a year, I knew in my heart it was over. When she eventually ended it for good, I felt terrible but I got over it.

OP, your relationship is over. I'm not going to tell you that you mustn't love your boyfriend because you cheated on him. I know you can cheat on someone you love. What I will say is that if you cheated on him, there was something wrong in the relationship. Love isn't always enough.

Let him go. Move on with your life and let him move on with his. Hopefully you will learn from this experience and the next time you fall in love, you won't wind up cheating.

py2006

worst gf ever wrote:

(people who are just gonna post "oh you obviously don't love him if you cheated", don't even bother. I do love him, and he knows this)

.

Exactly HOW does he know you love him? Because you tell him?? I can't see how he knows you love him by your behaviour!

I think you just afraid to be dumped and single again more than anything. To be honest, you deserve it!

dvega

Ill give you this from both sides,friend of mine going out with a girl for almost 8 years now she cheated on him a good few times he found out ,hit the roof but he loved her so much,thing is it was him that put in the most effort to try and make it work not her.Now they have a relationship people envy.

On the other hand i was in a simular situation as you,tried to make it work but it wasnt the same for her, she's gone now i was hurt and angry at myself.
Best advise i can give you is that if he doesnt want to work things out let him go and when you do start another relationship learn from your mistakes from the last one.Dont cheat and you'll be much happier at least thats what i learned.

Skiesonfire19

I'm in this situation too, my girlfriend cheated on me, but she didn't tell me for four months. I haven't gotten over it even tho it happened almost a year ago, and as 'macho' as this might sound I know I wont feel any better until I expres myself to him.. Be it words or a fight... That's the only thing that could possibly make me feel better.

But atleast you can admit your the worst girlfriend ever.. If your worried for your guy why don't you break up with him, for his sake? It'd be hard yeah, but if he feels that bad.. Give him a chance to move on, you being around isn't exactly helping him!

Skies

Rb

Dragan wrote:

The thing about posting on a forum is you don't really get to choose the answers that people are going to give.

There is no particular way that people can advise for him to "get over it." You betrayed him, he trusted you and you threw it back in his face. I now suggest that you stop thinking about all this as being an inconvenience for you, as that is how it comes across in your post.

"I cheated, but i love him, and i want him to better so he loves me again."

It strikes me that you really do have no idea what you had done to the poor guy. As you have also said that you cheated on him more than once then i am willing to bet you will do it again.

My advice is , if you really love him, them let him go and find someone who's not going to hurt him.

Fully agree.

Black Swan

worst gf ever wrote:

(people who are just gonna post "oh you obviously don't love him if you cheated", don't even bother. I do love him, and he knows this)

Odds are, he will never forget. Time may heal the wound, but there still will be a scar. Can you live with that? Can he?

Nalz

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Odds are, he will never forget. Time may heal the wound, but there still will be a scar. Can you live with that? Can he?

thnik that says it all and no other reply can top it. Stick to bowls of cornflakes as a treat as apposed to eating the face off somebody else. A can of worms opened, and most of them escaped...this would not happen if it was a box of cornflakes. He'll never be able to live with it, and he'll spend most of his time trying to

CathyMoran

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Odds are, he will never forget. Time may heal the wound, but there still will be a scar. Can you live with that? Can he?

Speaking as someone who was cheated on I agree that you always feel hurt when someone has cheated on you. In some cases it is possible to move on in the relationship but it is not easy - I would see if you can go to councelling together before totally giving up on this relationship. Oh, I do not not believe that "once a cheater always a cheater", you made a mistake and appear to be genuinely sorry, that is a good start.

Mighty_Mouse

As a bloke I can never understand why any eejit would tolerate this crap.

What else is there to ask from a partner than loyalty? Isnt that the point of a relationship? Trust?

Alternatively stay single, have fun, if you like somebody become f-buddies! Why oh why enter in a relationship and get treated like crap.

I fail to get my head around this situation every time I hear of it.

For me a row, discussions etc wouldn't even be necessary. Just "bye" you gone, forever.

I wouldnt care if it was a 6month or 5 year relationship. It would be absolute silence from the moment I found out.

NeMiSiS

I am of the same opinion as Mighty Mouse!
TK

hmmmm

Dragan wrote:

My advice is , if you really love him, them let him go and find someone who's not going to hurt him.

Typed for truth.

OP: it really does depend on the other person (girlfriend/boyfriend) as to whether they can move on after the trust has been shattered in a relationship. I could not under any circumstances and it seems neither can your boyfriend. You can weather it out and see for sure but there is nothing you can do to change the situation. Que Sera Sera...

AngryBadger

worst gf ever wrote:

I want to know if anyone has any advice on how he could start to get over this.

You can't do anything for him. You cheated on him, thus destroying any trust between you, and then you did it again. Most guys could probably forgive one transgression, but you transgressed more than once.

Leave the poor guy be, he's better off on his own, or with someone else.

LegacyUser

'hi guys. thanks for all your advice. it over now anyway. even though he thinks it not our time to be over, he cant go on feeling like this.

CathyMoran - i suggested councelling, but he just said no.

i really wanted to make it up to him, somehow. but just not meant to be. i didn't mean to come across that i was being inconvienienced(sp). i just really wanted to help him. there is of course that bit of me that wants to be really selfish and beg him to stay with me even though itd hurt him more....

anyway. Thanks xxxx'

misswex

As everyone else has said, the trust is gone. I've never understood cheaters. If you want to be with more than once person why be in a relationship at all???

You do seem genuinely sorry but then I come back to the fact that you didn't just cheat once but multiple times - seems to me that your just not ready to be in a committed relationship with this guy and for his sake you need to tell him that.

dr.bollocko

worst gf ever wrote:

'hi guys. thanks for all your advice. it over now anyway. even though he thinks it not our time to be over, he cant go on feeling like this.

CathyMoran - i suggested councelling, but he just said no.

i really wanted to make it up to him, somehow. but just not meant to be. i didn't mean to come across that i was being inconvienienced(sp). i just really wanted to help him. there is of course that bit of me that wants to be really selfish and beg him to stay with me even though itd hurt him more....

anyway. Thanks xxxx'

Sorry to hear that, but good luck in future endeavours. You know its a lesson learned the hard way and its just another stepping stone to making the RIGHT mate happy.

CathyMoran

worst gf ever wrote:

'hi guys. thanks for all your advice. it over now anyway. even though he thinks it not our time to be over, he cant go on feeling like this.

CathyMoran - i suggested councelling, but he just said no.

i really wanted to make it up to him, somehow. but just not meant to be. i didn't mean to come across that i was being inconvienienced(sp). i just really wanted to help him. there is of course that bit of me that wants to be really selfish and beg him to stay with me even though itd hurt him more....

anyway. Thanks xxxx'

One thing that I will say about relationship councelling is that they will not try and make you stay together, they will however help you to make up your own mind about your future together or apart. I am genuinely sorry that things are not working out for you, as a last ditch maybe you could try a trial separation, no contact for six months, if you date other people in the time that would be fair.

Mighty_Mouse

i just really wanted to help him. there is of course that bit of me that wants to be really selfish and beg him to stay

Tbh if he did stay with you after all your begging for forgiveness. I wouldn't have any sympathy for him. He knows what he's involved with and IMO you would be entitled to continue being the town bike!

Shauna_K

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

What else is there to ask from a partner than loyalty? Isnt that the point of a relationship? Trust?

Alternatively stay single, have fun, if you like somebody become f-buddies! Why oh why enter in a relationship and get treated like crap.

I fail to get my head around this situation every time I hear of it.

For me a row, discussions etc wouldn't even be necessary. Just "bye" you gone, forever.

I wouldnt care if it was a 6month or 5 year relationship. It would be absolute silence from the moment I found out.

Couldn't agree more, there is nothing more important than trust in a relationship in my opinion, if thats gone, the whole thing is fcuked.......If a guy cheated on me and we stayed together id spend my time wondering what he's at and who's he at it with, it'd be hell.

OP u both gotta let it go, as hard as it mite b now, it'll be better in the long run and ull both realise that what u have is not really love..........

CathyMoran

I do not agree with cheating but I will reitterate again that it is possible to get through an affair. You just do not know until you have been there - I was cheated on and it tore the heart out of me, but there were exceptional circumstances (which I do not wish to go into) and we got past it.

OP - the fact that you got back together after the affair means that there still is hope but you may face a tough few years before he gets over it - I really do wish you the best of luck.

Shauna_K

i guess i was talking for myself, i havent been cheated on (as far as i know) but know what its like to lose trust in someone and try to over come it........it destroyed me in the end.

I dont think ill ever trust anyone again! Id hate to see someone else in that position, even a perfect stranger........its a pretty sh1t feeling!!!

CathyMoran

Shauna_K wrote:

i guess i was talking for myself, i havent been cheated on (as far as i know) but know what its like to lose trust in someone and try to over come it........it destroyed me in the end.

I dont think ill ever trust anyone again! Id hate to see someone else in that position, even a perfect stranger........its a pretty sh1t feeling!!!

You have to risk a lot in love to get a lot out of it, do not give up hope. I was cynical about love for a long time after I was cheated on and ended up taking it out on my bf, some of it was deserved but most of it was not.

OP - let us know how you are getting on.

dame

Yes, it is over. The trust is gone. Even if you did get back together and stay together, things would never be the same.

[Jackass]

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me by sleeping with someone. She was on a night out and was supposed to come over to mine after but went home instead...I later found out when i rang her she was really drunk and also found out after the break up that when i was talking to her that night, they were in bed together while she was explaining to me why she couldn't come over.

I loved her, and I know she loved me, but f*ck it, once you're betrayed it'll never be the same again because the seed of doubt is always in your mind.

Also OP, I don't know if you know what it feels like for someone you care about to do that to you, but I'd rather someone smacked me in the face several times with an iron bar than experience that again. Physical pain dosen't even compare to emotional pain.

Once you cheat, the relationship is f*cked, end of story.

Pigman II

advice on how he could start to get over this

Why should he get over it tho?

He's right to stay rid of you. Do him a favour, stay clear. Stop clinging to some idea that you'll get things back to the way they were just to make yourself feel better and instead let him get on with his life with someone else who's better than yourself.

haunted-room

Nick wrote:

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me by sleeping with someone. She was on a night out and was supposed to come over to mine after but went home instead...I later found out when i rang her she was really drunk and also found out after the break up that when i was talking to her that night, they were in bed together while she was explaining to me why she couldn't come over.

I loved her, and I know she loved me, but f*ck it, once you're betrayed it'll never be the same again because the seed of doubt is always in your mind.

Also OP, I don't know if you know what it feels like for someone you care about to do that to you, but I'd rather someone smacked me in the face several times with an iron bar than experience that again. Physical pain dosen't even compare to emotional pain.

Once you cheat, the relationship is f*cked, end of story.

Damn!! How could someone lie in bed with the guy she is cheating with and talk to you on the phone at the same time

Steyr

AngryBadger wrote:

Most guys could probably forgive one transgression, but you transgressed more than once.

No no no not me, if a GF id that to me she would be out on her arse so quick she would be on fire like the shuttle on re-entry, she was fully aware of what she did yet she did it and not once but more than, no offence OP but if you were my GF and i was this poor chap id have kicked your ass to the kerb half a second after you tellin me, no questions asked, you knew what you did and now you gettin what you deserve..Hoe.

dr_funkenstein

hey

I was in the EXACT same boat as Nick.. going out with my g/f for 3yrs, was in the process of buying a flat together. i live in the uk but went to dublin for the weekend to see my family, she stayed here and went to a party on the sat night. talked to her on the phone and everything seemed grand. she got drunk and slept with a workmate.

gutted.

ah yea, its such a horrible thing to endure and feel. i would not wish it upon anyone. and once its happened, its all over.

he is right to be rid of you, as nothing good can come of it, especially seeing as you've done it more than once. both of ye should move on.

cold_filter

I know from my own experience of cheating on someone that it takes them a longtime to get over it and from my own experieince of being cheated on.
At the moment he's trying not to have emotions cos he's afraid of getting hurt again. your going to have to give him the re-assurance he needs that this is not gonna happen again, this may get on your nerves and you may get sick of it. When you go out it will play on his mind that you might be cheating especially if the other guilty part is in your social circcle . Just be patient it will take tim and effort from both of you but if both love each other your relationship can be saved.