Long distance, strong feelings

LegacyUser

I met this girl about 3 months ago in my best friends house in his college. The first time I was there I had walked 3 mile in the freezin cold back to my friends house wearing only a t-shirt so I was frozen and put on loads of clothes and hopped into my friends bed to try and warm up! she jumped in beside me and tried to warm me up by messin.. but she started making moves on me, rubbing my leg, eye contact etc. Since then we've been txt'ing, talkin on bebo and more recently on the phone. after a few weeks of txting, msning for hours everyday , she told me she had strong feelings for me. She lives at the other side of the country, a good 4 hour drive to be exact.

We kept on talking, i wasnt going to ignore her for wha she said, and told her i taught its better we only be friends because of the whole distance problem. I hadnt feelings for her, only saw her as a friend but I was thinking about her everyday. I went back down to visit her and spent the most of the night talking, and the following day just me and her realxing by ourselves talking. Then as I got home I started to have feelings for her, so I told her.

So we continued to talk everyday, started ringin this time. And it felt great. For me, I've never had a gf, or been close to having one, just never seemed to attract girls like my friends and I was always busy with sports and other stuff. But I really started to like her, but the whole distance thing was starting to take its toll and we really wanted to see each other, but I was leaving for the US on the 15th December last so we cudnt before then.

When I got to the states I really started to miss her, and miss talking to her. Then 2 weeks in I really started to miss her and reality was starting to hit me, I kept thinking the whole distance thing is crazy and its only going to be harder so I got her on msn and told her I think we need to be realisitc about this and we cant continue and we sud only be friends.

However once I told her this and went offline I just felt terrible, started crying and lost all motivation to do anything, this while on holidays in the states with my parents! I really started to regret wha I said and felt so stupid that I was possibly throwing away any chance of anything happening

So when I got home from the states last week i txt her straight away when i got off the plane told her I was home safe and I cudnt wait to see her in 2 weeks ( as we planned ) and wished her a happy birthday ( as it was on that day ) , ending my txt with x's.. all she replied with was thanks.. so I asked her and she said she took my advice and is facing reality and says we can only be friends..

now I'm an emotional wreck.. cant sleep even, and infact I think im in love with this girl. Now shes trying to get over it as well but she seems to be taking it better than me, now I want her more than ever and I told her I miss her and wanted to be there with her and she told me I have to stop thinking like that.
I keep getting the idea that shes found some other guy but she keeps telling me she hasnt so I believe her.

Now I dont know what to do. Shes in college at the other side of the country and i wanted to goto the same college really bad but never got what I needed in the leaving cert last year. So I'm still hoping to transfer next year to another college very close by. She said she cudnt do the long distance thing.., what can I do! I'm such as mess now..

Black Swan

You may or may not be able to rekindle the flame in her heart. When you broke it off, she probably hurt like you did, and to avoid future hurt has moved on, or is very reluctant to try again with you.

spinandscribble

a bit of a grande gesture prehaps is needed? no, not gifts or flipping earrrings, but a emotional and dignity losing one. go see her and tell her how you feel. you were maybe right but you're both young and the woirst that could happen is you break up. big deal, we've all had those.
nothing annoys me more then girls and guys between 17-25 wasting time saying to ppl they really do like "lets just be friends" coz the real things to hard. you have your whole lives to be harsh when it comes to loving ppl. wake up and take risks. a broken hearts better then wondering like a coward.

Lawros Tache

email her that exact post, word for word....
job done

Rb

Tricky situation alright. What I've found (and it really only applies to guys) is that when they're seeing a girl or whatever who happens to be a bit of a distance away and they don't get to see them often, they tend to put them on a pedastool and somewhat see them through rose tinted glasses. Perhaps thats the case here? I mean sure, she probably is a great girl but for whatever reason it is, strong feelings seem to surface when the girl is absent from the guys life for prolonged periods and all communication is done through MSN/texts/phone calls.

What I'm saying is that though it may feel like you love this girl, you probably don't. Its easy for you to be, sure enough, but its just something that seems to be reoccuring in this and similar situations.

Now, as for what to do about it. Pick yourself up first and foremost and get yourself back together. The very last thing you want to come across to her now is needy, so relax on the texting/calling/etc and as hard as it is, try and just play it cool. Alls not lost. As many here will tell you, such as Ruu, LDRs can and do work, it just takes both parties to actually want it to work and from what it seems, she does want it to work too.

Talk to her, tell her how you're feeling (i.e that you panicked and regret what you said) or perhaps show her this thread. Even go see her and tell her it to her face.

I've been in a similar situation before myself, its certainly not easy but the main thing to do is keep calm and get yourself back together first, then once you've a level head about you try to sort things out.

Beetlebum

Aaawwwww....young love!!

rb ie is right on the money. All is not lost so pull yourself together and simply explain to this girl that you panicked because you like her so much. The way you feel right now, rejected, hurt etc is probably exactly how she felt when she received your message. Once bitten, twice shy and all of that. This girl is keeping you at bay because she liked you and you hurt her. I really think this is mendable with a bit of communication...

Elessar

Much like the affects of a class A drug, you a suffering withdrawl. Your body is craving the amino acid peptides which permeated it when you were around this girl. Like any other withdrawl, the effects will dwindle over time (if you sever contact).

Keeping in contact will only prolong this feeling. Don't ever change your entire lifestyle just for a girl (going to a college near her just to be near?). Like someone else said, you THINK you are in love, but you are really not. You are craving the chemicals which filled your body and made you feel good when around this person.

Honestly, I would just sever. If she is distancing from you I would suspect she is also hurt. Anything which gets off on a bad foot rarely works. Try and keep your mind occupied.

LegacyUser

'thanks for the advice.

I dont tink I could show her the above post, why should I ?

I'm transfering college just for a girl, since September I've been planning on transfering to the same college or the one near it.

I feel so stupid, I know we both had to face upto reality ,I now feel i really hurt her when I said what I said!'

Rb

Oh and btw OP, I wouldn't go mentioning to her that you think you love her just yet, you'll only freak her out and scare her off.

Best of luck with it.

cornbb

Get in touch with her, tell her you made a mistake and you'd like another chance. You've obviously got major feelings for her - be honest but don't make any grand overtures or you might scare her off.

Regarding distance, 4 hours away is nothing so I wouldn't recommend picking your college on the basis of where she is or anything like that - and if she still rejects you, it'll be tough but try to get over it. I know how you feel now but I cannot emphasise how many more fish there are in the sea... Hope it works out for you anyway dude

Ruu_Old

Explain to her that you made a mistake and don't focus too much on distance, if you want it to work then it will. Best of luck in the future.

LegacyUser

Ruu wrote:

Explain to her that you made a mistake and don't focus too much on distance, if you want it to work then it will. Best of luck in the future.

well a few days ago she basically said the same thing I said to her about it not working. she said she wouldnt be able to do the distance thing so I dont know, i even asked her did she still have feelings for me and she said yes but I dont know if she still has the same strong feelings she used to have.. i'm afraid to ask her certain things incase she tinks im being pushy or too dramatic or anything!

cornbb

The distance thing is only as big an issue as ye make it. I know a guy in a successful relationship with a girl living in London. Having a weekend girlfriend isn't the most ideal thing in the world but its extremely do-able. You're right not to be pushy/dramatic but don't let that stop you from giving it a good shot.

Ruu_Old

joeSmith wrote:

well a few days ago she basically said the same thing I said to her about it not working. she said she wouldnt be able to do the distance thing so I dont know, i even asked her did she still have feelings for me and she said yes but I dont know if she still has the same strong feelings she used to have.. i'm afraid to ask her certain things incase she tinks im being pushy or too dramatic or anything!

True, it will work for some and not for others. I done a long term thing for just over a year (me in Ireland, herself in US and happily married nearly 3 years now) but I was lucky to be earning quite a bit to travel over there often, we used the net all the time, wrote letters and all that jazz and being a corporate slut helped at that time.:) There are lots of things to do to help the distance thing and to break down the barrier some but if she isn't sure or whatever maybe give it some time to settle in. Wishing you well anyway.

dr.bollocko

From long experience with long distance relationships, I really think you have to think about the fact that her being at a distance, and your interaction with her is stunted by this. You may get another chance with her. With an insane romantic gesture you may well even get together with her, but you will get to a stage where you have a postcard relationship, you see her maybe twice a month and everything is perfect, because you only have dates, and fun, and romance, and in between its only top up phone calls, msn chats etc. where its all love and roses. But then you get to a stage, maybe if you successfully transfer college, where the long distance part of the relationship vanishes, and you suddenly realise that this girl you have been in love with for months is totally different to the person that you thought she was.
You clearly have her on a pedestal, and if you read over your posts and your worries, "have I thrown away the perfect girl, why did I say THAT, have I hurt her feelings, Im falling in love with her" etc. you will see that. She may be great, she may even be the girl of your dreams, but by your own admission its your first relationship, and that leaves you very open to overthinking, self nullifying behaviour, and generally being shat on in the future. If you do proceed with said ridiculous romantic gesture to win said fair maiden back, tread softly and be aware of how this affects you as a person. I find its an unwritten rule that your first girlfriend tends to **** you over if you are a nice decent sensitive sort of chap.

LegacyUser

'well nows shes not really talking to me.. i've sent her a few txts dont get much back... so I'm afraid to tell her how i feel incase i scare her off or she mite think im sum werido with issues!! so now I have to get over her and its soo hard! '

spidermonkey

leave it die down for a few weeks, dont really make much contact except reply to her txt's etc,
but find out her address from a mate or something, and get
flowers delivered to her on valentines day, tis only 4 weeks away.
and if all goes well then, maybe invite her up to yours for a weekend, take her to dinner etc,

you'd be a show in then.

Rb

joeSmith wrote:

'well nows shes not really talking to me.. i've sent her a few txts dont get much back... so I'm afraid to tell her how i feel incase i scare her off or she mite think im sum werido with issues!! so now I have to get over her and its soo hard! '

Just leave her at it. Shes obviously taking the whole thing quite immaturely and is probably a little confused too. Sit back and let her put some effort into it, if she doesn't then just move on.

Some girls are just like that, albeit a minority.

LegacyUser

ok.. i wont make contact for d next week so cause I've tried..

however I tink shes moved her attention to another fella in her college apartment, which obviously im abit hurt about but I'm not certain, but all the signs point towards it, hanging around with him, going out with him for a nite out.. but with other people in a group, still....

flowers.. i dont know! might be over doing it..!??!

Ruu_Old

Now you are just going to scare her with that sort of tactics in my opinion, leave her be for a while. She obviously wants the space and you don't want to be the one making the moves all the time.