My GF has a psychotic suicidal best friend :(

LegacyUser

My girlfriend (Susan) grew up in a hard part of Dublin, and managed to make it out of there, get her degree and got a top job. At 25, she’s doing great, considering that she was up against it and had it very hard.

Her best friend (Maria) throughout school went the opposite direction – teenage pregnancy, drugs, bad men, police, depression, self-harm, psychotic tendencies, getting locked up, more bad men, worse men, utterly *horrible* relationship with her mum, etc. etc. It all beggars belief, and I’ve never encountered a situation as touch as this in my life….

The thing is, they are still best friends even though Maria moved to the UK after school. Susan would never judge Maria, and treats her with total respect, because in her eyes Maria is a good Mum and tries her best, despite her weaknesses. After all, Maria was abused as a child, has a horrible Mum, and met up with lots of horrible men throughout her teens and 20s. Maria also made Susan the godmother of her second child, so there is a strong link between Susan and Maria. Susan also visits her godchild and friend twice per year for a few days.

Some more background info: Maria has no friends in the UK. She relies on Susan a lot, she has nobody else to talk to. Her boyfriends are usually criminals, drug addicts, and men with terrible tempers. One story involved helicopters chasing Maria’s car because her car was linked with her drug dealing boyfriend. Other stories involve police calling to the house. Maria’s Mum wants the children taken off Maria, and Maria has almost lost the kids on a few occasions – mainly as a result of the men who she has chosen to live with. Maria goes through stages of anorexia, self-harm, suicidal tendencies, etc.

The problem: While I feel really sorry for Maria’s situation, sometimes I feel she is making my girlfriend (Susan) very sad at times. There is always a horror story, always some problem that needs to be sorted. When Susan visits, she comes back and feels almost like “Why does Maria deserve all this? Why am I so lucky? Why is the world so cruel to some, and not to others”, and sometimes my girlfriend just cries thinking about it. My girlfriend has a very big heart, but I think sometimes this girl takes advantage a little, cos she always wants her to ring (Maria has no money to ring Ireland), and if she doesn’t ring back, then Maria becomes offended or upset. One night, she told my gf that she had stopped eating and felt really low… my girlfriend tried to talk her round, saying “Please don’t end up looking like you did before”, and Maria became offended… my gf spent 1 hour crying and upset… hoping she hadn’t pushed Susan over the edge.

It’s all emotionally draining on my gf, who has enough problems of her own to solve. I’m worried about the negative stuff in Maria’s life having an impact on my gf’s happiness peace of mind… but I feel helpless and don’t know what to do.

Anyone have any advice? Sorry for the long post….

LegacyUser

'Well, your girlfriend had the strength and courage to overcome any difficulties she had and make something of herself. It's a pity her friend didn't bother to do the same because now she's dragging your girlfriend down. You will have to say to Susan that you understand that Maria is a friend who goes way back and that you know she has her (horrendous) problems, but she is always going to have these problems if she's not going to help herself. Susan can't be expected to spoon-feed her, or feel guilty when Maria hasn't been appeased once again. I suggest that she slowly breaks off contact with Maria, maybe drop some huge thumping hints about counselling, therapy etc. Of course, this is far easier said than done, but to be honest, despite all the help and support your girlfriend has given Maria, her life doesn't seem to be any better. Trying to help her (without professional help) is like trying to stop the tide from coming in!'

Kell

OP-

how often is the Maria person in touch? To be honest, if you're girlfriend is fine with the situation and it isnt impacting her life negatively, then there is no need for worry. It would be a different situation if she herself was being dragged down by her friend, but from what you write, she doesnt appear to be. Yes she has stuff in her life, we all do, but if she can be a shoulder for her mate, great.

What might be helpful is for your GF to develop ways of helping her mate in terms of advice, a shoulder etc, without the emotional attachment so when Maria goes off the rails at her she doesnt wind up a ball. There are ways to help people and then let them do the rest and not actually involve yourself in the problem.

Other than that, your GF doesnt seem to have a problem helping her friend, so leave her to it.

K-

LegacyUser

Thanks. Your message makes a lot of sense. but:

I suggest that she slowly breaks off contact with Maria, maybe drop some huge thumping hints about counselling, therapy etc.

Because my gf is the Godmother of Maria's child, this is almost impossible. My gf would feel endlessly guilty of she broke contact - for the sake of the kids at least. You see, there is a strong emotional bond not only between Maria and Susan, but also between Susan and the kids. She buys them gifts, visits them 2 times per year (which they endlessly look forward to), and she always checks up on them and chats them over the phone sometimes. I've heard the kids are little angels, and Susan is mad about them, and loves buying them stuff. They have nothing, they live in poverty too.

As for councelling and therapy, Maria has already received counselling and has had psychiatric treatment. She has been committed against her own will on one occasion, and has also been in and out of mental hospitals.

Not only this but recently my gf has been having some problems with her sisters. They have also not "graduated" from the bad areas of Dublin, and when she goes home to visit them, they treat her like an outsider. And she takes it...

I realise my gf is responsible for exposing herself to all this sh1t... but sometimes I wish I could do something...?

Hmm_Messiah

I realise my gf is responsible for exposing herself to all this sh1t... but sometimes I wish I could do something...?

Your girlfriend most likely also wishes she can do something for her friend, so you can relate to her motivation.

I understand wanting the best for your partner, but life is not always an easy thing, and caring for a person, with all the difficulties in some ways only makes your gf more fully involved in human life - more alive.

there is though a balance when you see some thing unhealthy happening to some one you care for.

I can only say I did my best for friend going through an awful time, dispite protesting friends. Eventually he turned his life around. And over all it was worth it , though if you ask was I affected / yes. Damaged ? yes.

beans

Couselling for your GF mightn't be the worst idea in the world, might help her put some distance between herself and the situation, help her see that it's Maria's own choices that are causing Maria's problems, nothing to do with a harsh uncaring world, and certainly nothing to do with what your GF is/is not doing. She might feel like she's letting M down by not doing enough, when in reality being supportive is all she can do. If it ended in tragedy the guilt could become an issue.

Black Swan

Your g/f has to manage the relationship with her friend. You cannot. But what you can do is be there for your g/f when she is troubled by her friend's problems.

AnonoBoy

It's very admirable that your girlfriend has remained such a loyal friend to Maria all these years. Sounds like she's a good friend who genuinely cares about her friend. I wouldn't suggest that you ever float the suggestion of her phasing her friend out of her life because I would not think it would be taken very well.

Sure the situation makes her sad but you can't ask her to cut ties with someone she's known for years. If she wanted to do that she would do it herself.

Has the idea of Maria moving back to Ireland ever been mentioned though? If she has no friends in the UK perhaps she and her children could come back to Ireland where at least she may be able to shake off the people she'd been associating with and start afresh?

Miss Fluff

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Your g/f has to manage the relationship with her friend. You cannot. But what you can do is be there for your g/f when she is troubled by her friend's problems.

Completely agree. It is your girlfriend's life and although this particular friendship causes her grief and upset the friendship is of her choosing. Just listen and support her when she needs to talk about what new scrape her pal is in.