Should I cut off contact with this friend?

LegacyUser

A couple years ago I became good friends with this girl who prior to that I meet on and off for a few years through mutual friends.

The thing is as we grew closer I began to get really strong feelings for her. I always had a soft spot for her as she is very attractive and the feelings grew when I got to know her and realised she is a lovely person too.

I was reluctant to tell her how I felt as I have bad experiences of telling friends I have feelings for them plus she was going through a really bad time and really needed a good friend and I was it.

As time went by I realised that at times she played with my mind. She knew I liked her (it was obvious) and kind of flirted with me and suggesting she was interested even though she was saying she wasn't interested in any guy at the time!

This really wrecked my head and it got me really down as I realised I had become her lapdog (as her friend put it) but I couldn't help it. I was giving her lifts everywhere, bringing her out etc etc. I was pathetic. My fault!

Anyway to cut a long story short we fell out in May of last year over different matters. She went abroad for summer and I didn't hear from her for months!

I was angry and upset over the whole thing and I got very, very depressed over the summer. I missed her. I missed her friendship and the great nights out we had. Even though it was just as friends.

Eventually she made contact in October and apologised for how she treated me and for not being in contact. She is studying and living in Galway but said she would be home for christmas and we would meet up then.

The thing is she was texting me and ringing every week leading up to christmas which got my heart thinking again that maybe, just maybe!

I was apprehensive about meeting up with her again. I hadn't seen her in 6 months and my feelings had faded for the most part but I was fearful that if I saw her face again all the feelings would come back

I decided to meet her but I promised myself that I would keep it very low key. It would be a "hello, how are you" and I wouldn't stay around too long. And I wouldn't be texting/ringing her to meet up all the time.

However, this didn't go to plan! A major family issue for her happened! It was devastating and she really needed a friend. So I saw her a good bit!

But then some of the feelings started coming back! A few days after xmas she rang me and asked me to call over the next day as she was heading back to Galway and wanted to see me before she went!

Pathetically, I was thinking about it all that night. All the next day in work. I couldn't get it out of my head! I was back to square one! It has me really depressed.

We didn't meet up in the end but said she would be back in Dublin in 2 weeks.

The thing is, I am not sure its a good idea! We get on great and she really needs a friend right now!

She has done nothing wrong. She has no feelings for me, fair enough! She likes me as a friend and I do her but there is this underlying feeling that wont go away!

As hard as it will be ( I probably wont be able) I am thinking the best thing to do is to not meet up with her again! Not for a long time, until the feelings are definitely gone and I am with somebody else!

I am not sure how I can do it though as she will be ringing and texting me.

I know some of you are going to say "Why don't you tell her how you feel"! But already know that she doesn't like me that way! She more or less said it in an email last year!

Sorry this was so long! I just need advice

Black Swan

unreg2007 wrote:

She has done nothing wrong. She has no feelings for me, fair enough! She likes me as a friend and I do her but there is this underlying feeling that wont go away!

OP, friendship is precious, why do you have to make it more and risk losing it?

LundiMardi

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

OP, friendship is precious, why do you have to make it more and risk losing it?

I don't think it's a concious decision on the OP's part.

OP - You like someone a lot, they don't like you back... The only way to get over this is to cut contact with that person and move on with your life.

You could always be honest with the girl and say that because of your feelings, you don't think it's in your best interests to see her again, for a long time. Say sorry, but say that this is the way it has to be.

Move on and be happy. If she is in any way a good friend, she will understand.

LegacyUser

The tricky part is she likes me as a friend. Its not like she doesn't like me at all and doesn't want to have anything to do with me!

I guess what will make it easier is that she will be in Galway so I guess I wont see her all that often! Although she does want me to come stay with her some weekend!

I guess I will have to try not to text or call her all that often!

Nevyn

If you can not accpet that you are only ever going to be her firend and you can't cope with the intimacy and friendship with her and it is hurting you then yes you should cut of contact.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

If you can not accpet that you are only ever going to be her firend and you can't cope with the intimacy and friendship with her and it is hurting you then yes you should cut of contact.

Well I have/had accepted it! Its just it feels strange being around her again after all this time.

The difficult situation is that her and her family had a very traumatic christmas and she needed me big time! I was there for her and her mother!

I don't think I can actually cut off all ties! Perhaps time is all I need!

Húrin

Forgive her, but don't go out of your way to see her.

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

OP, friendship is precious, why do you have to make it more and risk losing it?

This sounds like quite a hollow "friendship", so what's there to lose?

LundiMardi

unreg2007 wrote:

Well I have/had accepted it! Its just it feels strange being around her again after all this time.

The difficult situation is that her and her family had a very traumatic christmas and she needed me big time! I was there for her and her mother!

I don't think I can actually cut off all ties! Perhaps time is all I need!

These feelings won't go away on their own... Every time you see her the feelings will be there. The only way (imo) to move on is to not see her, forget about her and find someone else (eventually).

What happens when she feels the way you do, but about someone else?

Pigman II

Let her chase you for a while to see how far you can push her. Meet her again but don't do her any favours. You seem to be at about 90 : 10 with her at the moment. Try push it back to around 40 : 60 so that she's the one making most of the effort for a change.

LegacyUser

Pigman II wrote:

Let her chase you for a while to see how far you can push her. Meet her again but don't do her any favours. You seem to be at about 90 : 10 with her at the moment. Try push it back to around 40 : 60 so that she's the one making most of the effort for a change.

Yea, thats how I wanted to do it! For the most part that is what I was doing leading up to before she came home for christmas.

I had only intended on meeting her in pub with other mates on xmas eve but as events turned out I ended up seeing her more.

She is due back in Dublin the weekend after next. I wont instigate any meeting but I think she will.

Rb

OP you can't accept that she only wants your friendship, thats quite apparent from your posts and you're desperately looking for some sign that she'll want more. Truth be told she probably won't, you're going to be stuck with feelings for someone who has none (other than friendship) for you and you're going to get deeper into the hole if you can't control those feelings now. You can either cut off contact from her, move on and let the feelings go away like they naturally will, or you can keep contacting her, keep your feelings re-appearing (if not getting stronger) until you're in a completely unrequited love situation that will have you down for a lot longer than you've already been. You'll see her going off with other guys and it'll hurt you, and you'll get jealous and only after a long time of that shíte will you realise its time to say goodbye to her. I've seen it happen to friends of mine and it wasn't a pleasant experience for them.

If you can accept that all she wants is a friendship, cut contact for a while or at least make it very distant, pretend to be busy even if you're not and move along, give some other girl your attention and feelings and then you can have this "oh so wonderful" girl as a friend. Hell she might even get jealous and realise she does have feelings for you afterall.

LegacyUser

rb_ie wrote:

and you're desperately looking for some sign that she'll want more.

This is true. I was doing this all last year! But I can normally walk away when this happens but she kinda led me on a little. Thats why I kept holding on to that hope!

rb_ie wrote:

you can keep contacting her, keep your feelings re-appearing (if not getting stronger) until you're in a completely unrequited love situation that will have you down for a lot longer than you've already been. You'll see her going off with other guys and it'll hurt you,

I have already been through this for the most part!

androgenous

The only thing in this frienship for you is pain.That is if you continue to see this girl.

I have been in this situation several times and that has always been the case.

One day you will see her with some other guy and it will break your heart.This is guaranteed.If I was you I would tell her straight up that you have feelings for her and you know she doesn't have the same feelings.Therefore it would be best not to see each other because it will only end up with you being hurt.

If she is your friend she will respect this and acknowledge it as the best way.If she has feelings for you and is not acknowledging them this may force her to do so.However I would not think this is the case and you shouldn't do it for this reason.

Remember you will be still friends at heart even do you don't call or write/txt each other.

If she insists keeping the current arrangement then I would definitely let go.

LegacyUser

Actually, I thought I was on the road to forgetting her after we fell out last May! I knew then that I had been making a fool out of myself and that she wasn't interested!

I began to realise that her going away for the summer was the best thing to happen as it was my chance to move on. But the anger kinda kept me down for a while.

5 months had passed and all of a sudden I get a text from her apologising and suggesting we meet again. From then it was the usually texts again.

I kinda feel unsure about the whole thing. If it wasn't for her family tradedy over xmas I would find it easier to cease contact or at least cut it back!