Farmer's Field (A Poem)

Insect Overlord

Farmer’s Field

Clouds in the black sky bleached by
Street-lights and car head-lights.
A light drizzle falls on the pot-holed field
Covered with puddles.
Water drips off blades of grass and
The leaves of bushes
As arms push and legs kick
Through the boundary hedge.

Eight young men, three carrying bags,
Navigate their way through
The barbed wire and thorns
And holes and puddles.
Cans and bottles clink in the bags
And break the silence
As the young gang continue in their
Covert mission to the farmer’s crumbling old out-house.

The fun starts when they reach their hiding place,
After climbing the fence, jumping the dike
And skipping through piles of nettles.
Old, empty bottles smash against the far wall,
Smoke rising from newly lit cigarettes.
After three cans each they’re hyper
And laugh loudly and shout about funny stories.
And it’s all OK because they won’t get caught.

Insect Overlord

any opinions?

Dylan_James

a poem about knacker drinking.

I like the idea, but i thinks your structure and verses need work. Like in the second verse you are describing the young lads getting into the field, then at the start of the third you say "the fun begins" and go on to mention them climbing over fences and ditchs to get there again.

Maybe I have read this wrong, were you trying to put across that was the real fun? the journey and not the destination or event?

Insect Overlord

To be honest I wasn't trying to make it out to be fun at all. Personally I hate the idea of clandestine, under-age drinking. I tried to present the journey as un-necessarily dangerous (i.e. barbed wire, thorns, etc), there are no suggestions of the group enjoying it.

MagnumForce

The fun starts when they reach their hiding place,
After climbing the fence, jumping the dike

Smoke rising from newly lit cigarettes.
After three cans each they’re hyper
And laugh loudly and shout about funny stories.
And it’s all OK because they won’t get caught.

these sections do seem to make it seem as though they are enjoying themselves.

Its a good idea the language, imagery and the parts are good, its just that the general idea is lost in the whole, there seems to be some confusion about your position on the subject of knacker drinking judging by the poem alone.

As the young gang continue in their
Covert mission to the farmer’s crumbling old out-house

Calling them gang and saying they are on a cover mission gives it a sort of fun element to it as if its a game they're playing.

I dunno maybe put a bit more of your personal feelings into it as opposed to trying to tell it from their point of view, unless of course you intended it to be from their point of view and intentionally disregarded your own feelings on the subject.

Dylan_James

As in MagnumForce forces post above, I definitely thought you were trying to make out this was a fun activity (it was defiantly a fun activity to me back in the day).

"Eight young men, three carrying bags,
Navigate their way through"

The imaginary used here, a group of eight men, navigating their way through, barbed wire, pot holed fields (previously exploded shells leaving minor craters) hints at a band of brothers theme, camaraderie, soldiers "covertly" sneaking through enemy lines to complete the mission.

"Cans and bottles clink in the bags
And break the silence"

Only in this line did I find a sense that you were trying to express danger, in my experience a gang of eight young lads will make plenty of noise, before, during and after an event. The silence gives the undertone that they know they are doing something wrong and like scolded dogs, they hang their heads in shame. Unfortunately though, dogs only hang their heads after the event as past.

If you really dont like this activaty, where is your passion to dislike it? Where is your venom? Where is your hate?

Insect Overlord

The fun starts when they reach their hiding place,
After climbing the fence, jumping the dike
And skipping through piles of nettles.
Old, empty bottles smash against the far wall,
Smoke rising from newly lit cigarettes.
After three cans each they’re hyper
And laugh loudly and shout about funny stories.
And it’s all OK because they won’t get caught.

MagnumForce wrote:

these sections do seem to make it seem as though they are enjoying themselves.

Its a good idea the language, imagery and the parts are good, its just that the general idea is lost in the whole, there seems to be some confusion about your position on the subject of knacker drinking judging by the poem alone.

Calling them gang and saying they are on a covert mission gives it a sort of fun element to it as if its a game they're playing.

Yeah, I can see how you could draw that conclusion alright. I had to try to convey the way in which the drinkers themselves were enjoying the "mission". I've never done it myself, so this really involved guess work on my part. The final verse is supposed to where the enjoyment becomes apparent. However, the final line is meant to be ironic. What they are doing is, of course, anything but ok (if you look at it from a responsible angle).

Dylan_James wrote:

Like in the second verse you are describing the young lads getting into the field, then at the start of the third you say "the fun begins" and go on to mention them climbing over fences and ditchs to get there again.

I didn't do this intentionally at the time, but perhaps the way in which things seem out of order is symbolic of how the development of the boys is out of order. They are engaging in something that technically they should not be doing til an older age. Again this can only be speculated, as I did it by accident. Maybe my sub-conscious is a genius! lol.