i thought everything was perfect...

LegacyUser

Right, I’m seeing a guy with nearly 5 months and everything has been amazing since...we cant believe we have found each other and are totally in love...or so I thought anyway...

new years eve I looked at his phone...yeah yeah I know, I wasn’t actually going to read any messages, I was just looking to see who had sent him happy new yrs messages, there was one message from just a number.. no name...saying...along the lines of...."you were telling me that you still had feelings for me , but I hear everything is going well with ____(me)"

so i confronted him.

Turns out its his ex, he dated her for over 4 yrs..and broke up over 4 yrs ago....he met her out a few weeks ago when i wasn’t out and he said he cant remember saying anything like that to her. he said he's not sure why he would.

He says she was his first love, she treated him really badly , they were always fighting and she two timed him with his friend..she broke his heart basically...they still talk if they meet each other out but there has been no other contact in about 3 yrs. She had just txted him out of the blue the other night, drunk, asking for a number for his friend, who she recently started kissing, she asked him was he out in town, he said he doesn’t go there that often, she reminded him that she met him there a few weeks back so he said to her he remembers meeting her but couldn’t remember what was said. She told him that..about the feelings and stuff.

It broke my heart. I’m in bits after it now, we are trying to get back on track, he swears there is nothing going on and there never will, says i'm miles better that she will ever be...

So guys..what do I do? Should I be worried about him and these feelings? Can I trust him if he's out and bumps into her when I’m not around? Can someone have feeling for an ex and still in love with someone?

Sony

Thats awful but If you're not going to split up over this now,then I think youre just going to have to trust him for the time being...To be honest If I was in your shoes I'd be very wary too-its only natural that you are and that would absolutely wreck anyones head if it happened to them!

Its a really **** situation to be in but theres nothing you can do only hope that he's being honest and stays that way.

custardcreams

He really needs you to get over her and so once he has done that with you through a number of psychological advantageous moves he will then move on from you and have a proper honest relationship. So if you like him that much to help him get over his old love and spur him on to his next one then by all means ignore the texts, ignore the dishonesty and backroom emotion dealing. You may have sensed something as wily sneaky women sometimes do and checked this mans personal space so suck it up. If you had never known he may well have 100% grown to love you but now your someone who he will be looking over his shoulder with ....i know a girl ordering phone statement of behalf of her bf and spending days going through them until i threw them out fo rher and gave her a good talking to. Your offence is not as bad but only by degrees. Check my phone pal and i would dump you immediately and you may be wearing it...

the two cents strike again...

end of the day your little 5 month dream love bubble just got ..aww

"pull" says the clay pigeon attendant who secretly replaced the clay pigeon with your love bubble
"bang bang" goes the shotgun of reality...humans and not perfect, emotions are not definite all the time.

GET OVER IT - YOUR NOT A PRINCESS - RELATIONSHIPS TAKE WORK AND NEED TO BE BANGED OUT ON THE AnvIL OF LIFE.

do you dig my tough love ?

Sony

Well I dont

Farouk.Bulsara

feelings wrote:

Right, I’m seeing a guy with nearly 5 months and everything has been amazing since...we cant believe we have found each other and are totally in love...or so I thought anyway...

Hmmmm. You start by using the word "we" ... are you speaking on his behalf?

feelings wrote:

Turns out its his ex, he dated her for over 4 yrs..and broke up over 4 yrs ago....he met her out a few weeks ago when i wasn’t out and he said he cant remember saying anything like that to her. he said he's not sure why he would.

Perhaps he is telling the truth? Perhaps he met her to "get closure" (forgive the cliche) - it sounds like she put him through a terrible time and perhaps he just wanted some answers?

Fred

nickcave

It's extremely unhealthy to have to go through you boyfriend's phone in order to feel secure. It's very possible that he has some stuff he never got to terms with regarding his ex. Criticising him for trying to deal with it isn't helpful. Be his girlfriend, help him out with it and ye'll be stronger together for it.

And try to be less suspecting; as I said before, it's unhealthy.

Talliesin

It's also possible that the ex has stuff she never got to terms with and came to conclusions about him having feelings that weren't actually reasonable to draw from anything he did or said.

dame

Yes, I'd say it could be the ex who has feelings for him too. Why else did she send that text message to him in the first place. If she met her ex, he was drunk and rambling and she had no interest, why would she text him to find out how things are with his new girlfriend? OP, I'd say your boyfriend is probably telling the truth. Why would he let you look at his phone if he had anything to hide? I suspect you picked up his phone when he wasn't there, using New Years' messages as your excuse. You need to respect his space. All you can do really is accept what he says and try and trust him. The alternative is a break-up, with you having to learn how to trust the next boyfriend.

aidan24326

You are over-reacting. This doesn't sound like anything to be too worried about. If you really like the guy give him the benefit of the doubt (and it's only a minor doubt) and stop worrying. He doesn't appear to have done anything wrong.

Húrin

If I've learned anything from boards.ie, it's never to leave my phone alone with my girlfriend!

davyjose

It's easy to beat yourself up over this, but it's nothing - peoples emotions are complex and it's very difficult to reason them out. I was in a very similar situation as your boyf a year ago: I was madly in love in a fresh new relationship, but there was, and will always be, i suppose, a 'weirdness' about my ex. A sense that I could never regard her as normal. And she came back into my life briefly, and I did miss her, and i still did have 'feelings' for her (because how could i not - what should i have? indifference? Come on!), but I adored my new Girlfriend. And we split in the end because she ended up hurting me!!! And yeah - I still have 'feelings' for her.

Curiosity killed the cat babes, don't forget that!

jimmycrackcorm

Op, if you expect someone to bump into an old ex and not have any feelings whatsoever then you are mixing that person up with a pet dog.

Tell me how someone could could have a part of their life involved in a significant relationship and then retain as much feeling as a rock afterwards. How does your guy for example control his mind in such a manner that he has no happy memories of a previous time. Can you then say that recalling a happy memory would not induce any feelings?

I think you are lucky that he doesn't dump you, as if he followed the same path of logic as you he would no doubt come to the conclusion that you are going to end up a bunny boiler.

Chinafoot

aidan24326 wrote:

You are over-reacting. This doesn't sound like anything to be too worried about. If you really like the guy give him the benefit of the doubt (and it's only a minor doubt) and stop worrying. He doesn't appear to have done anything wrong.

Have to agree with this.

The ex sent the message, not him. You've confronted him and he's told you his side. He was with her for 4 years, of course there'll always be some sort of feeling there. That doesn't mean that he wants to go back there. You need to forget about his ex and realise that he is with you because he wants to be. Let it go.

Oh, and don't go snooping through his phone again.

misswex

I agree with the above. She sent him the message sniffing around about how he felt about you etc. When confronted he told you what he could remember.

If the relationship is as good as you say, I think you should trust the guy and move on from this.

Did he reply to her message?

LegacyUser

ok, i know i shouldnt have looked at the phone, i actually looked at the phone to see the time, it was dark and he was in the bathroom, i suppose i just wanted to see who txted him. i trusted him completely, and was honestly shocked when i saw the message. the first thing i did was apologise for looking at his phone, he was totally grand about it. he said that he has no problem looking at my phone, and he would hope that i wouldnt have a problem with him looking at mine either...which i guess i dont, i have nothing to hide.

Farouk.Bulsara wrote:

Hmmmm. You start by using the word "we" ... are you speaking on his behalf?

not speaking on his behalf, but he always says things to me that i myself am feeling, he always says he cant believe how great things are with us and he has never been happier...the exact way i feel.

Farouk.Bulsara wrote:

Perhaps he met her to "get closure" (forgive the cliche) - it sounds like she put him through a terrible time and perhaps he just wanted some answers?

Fred

He just bumped into her about a month ago, he told me at the time. He only spoke with her for a few minutes.

LegacyUser

misswex wrote:

I agree with the above. She sent him the message sniffing around about how he felt about you etc. When confronted he told you what he could remember.

If the relationship is as good as you say, I think you should trust the guy and move on from this.

Did he reply to her message?

well, there was a few messages sent, he replied to some of them, but he didnt to that last one, he turned his phone on silent and there were two missed calls from her in the morning. He said she was drunk and apologised in one of the txts for txting him, he said she only wanted his friends number.

feelings

feelings wrote:

everything is going well with ____(me)

If you ask me, this is the part that you should be concentrating on. She's giving out, essentially, that he's in love with you. IMO, you should trust him.

_blank_

feelings wrote:

the first thing i did was apologise for looking at his phone, he was totally grand about it. he said that he has no problem looking at my phone, and he would hope that i wouldnt have a problem with him looking at mine either...which i guess i dont, i have nothing to hide.

Well then, what's the problem?

IF he had something to hide he would have freaked out about you snooping in his phone.

feelings wrote:

He just bumped into her about a month ago, he told me at the time.

Again, if he was meeting this girl, even just bumping into her in the normal everyday turn of events, and NOT telling you, there would be an issue. But you said he met her and told you about this chance meeting.

You have no reason to NOT trust this guy tbh.