Emo Quotes

Hagar

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."

"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."

"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."

Draupnir

Ok, can you explain Emo to me? What does Emo mean or what is Emo?

DarkJager

You missed one:

"I wish my hair was Emo so it could cut itself"

The Bollox

some of those are brilliant!

Sangre

Its not goth emo, its Emo Philips the comedian.

His best is clearly;

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction
workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told
me I was a paranoid little weirdo...in morse code.

Hagar

@ Drapnuir - Emo Phillips I think a US comedian, very dry, EMO haircuts are modelled on this guy I believe.

/ edit Beat me to it.

DarkJager

Apologies, I take Emo as being the whiny goth type. I did not know of this man but the quotes are brilliant. Is he a modern comedian?

old boy

naw just a goodun

Capt'n Midnight

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.


How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.


I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'


I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.


I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."


I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.


I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.


I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.




I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.


I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"


I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.


I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.


I'm a great lover, I'll bet.


In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.


My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert'
I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.


My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.


New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.


People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.


People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"


Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.


Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.


The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.


Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.


When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee... Oh, I've tried other enemas.


Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.



You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.


The Scots are the toughest men in the world. They have drive-by headbuttings. A sweatband is considered a silencer.


My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.


* Well, I've always wanted a wife, and she's always wanted a green card...


* I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.


* Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"


* Houses make strange noises at night like creak, groan and "Emo, I'm going to kill you." ...So I remembered what my mother told me, "Whenever you feel afraid just whistle a happy tune... [whistling] ...then I felt a hand around my throat and a voice said, "Thanks. I thought I'd never find you in the dark."


* I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.


* I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"


* In a conversation with a suicidal man threatening to jump off a bridge:
I said, 'Are you a Christian or a Jew?' He said, 'A Christian.'
I said, 'Me too. Protestant or Catholic?' He said, 'Protestant.'
I said, 'Me too. What franchise?' He says, 'Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?' He says, 'Northern Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?' He says, 'Northern Conservative Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?' He says, 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Eastern Region?' He says, 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912?' He says, Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912.'
I said, 'Die, heretic!' and I pushed him over.

* My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

* People come up to me and they're worried... that I'll reproduce.


* Some people are against capital punishment, because they say that it turns the state into a murderer. I'm against imprisonment, because it turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

* The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me: "Don't go near the cellar door, Emo!" One day when they were away, I went to the door and opened it... and I saw birds and trees..."


* When I was six, my family moved to a new city, but fortunately I was able to track them down.


* You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

* I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.


"I went out on a first date but I don't think I'll see her again. She got mad when I didn't open the car door - I just swam to the surface."


was reading an interview with Emo philips, he loved doner kebabs but his boby always rejected them.

Capt'n Midnight

* I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

* I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed, they're just as scared of me.

* You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G

* I was walking down the street, something caught my eye … and dragged it fifteen feet.

* I was walking through the park … plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos HATE that.

* One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault … I should have heard them hiding.

“My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.”

"As a kid I loved seeing that first snowflake of winter. I'd, like, run up to the front door and press my face against the glass to look through it, and I'd say 'C'mon Mom. . . you know the deal. Let me in now.'"

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

· When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster


Back in the Nineties when I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"