How to get her to listen

lilmissprincess

My friend has a clear weight problem yet she can't see it. She's 14 years old, 5 ft 4 and 5 and a half stone. She's been diagnosed with Bulimia and anorexia, yet she won't see what she's doing to herself at all. She refuses to eat anything, and yet recently at another friends house she proceeded to throw up 17 times in 3 hours.
She's in second year. In the same year anotehr two girls have been diagnosed and treated. However, when rumours went around about her being anorexic/bulimic, people in her class said she was too fat to be anorexic or bulimic.
There are a group of four of her best friends, me and three other girls who are really concerned about her, because she's basically starving herself to death. Her parents don't seem to be doing anything about it and she's wating away. She won't listen to our concerns and refuses to talk about it.
We're not sure anymore whether this is a long-drawn-out suicide or not, because she has said a few times that she wants to die.
How the hell can we make her see she's wasting away?

chump

Well whatever you need to do, do it quick. Whatever it takes.

Ruu_Old

If she is suicidal along with these issues then she might need professional help. Do you know her parents well?

lilrayosunshine

5'4" and 5 and a half stone and people are saying she's too fat to be anorexic.

Go and speak with one of your teachers and ask them to talk to her about food and healthy eating.
If her parents are doing nothing, how come she was diagnosed? I'd say they are doing all they can but if the girl is that sick it will take time!
Jst be there for her!

hunnymonster

As chump says, do whatever it takes. She will hate you for it at first but in the long term it's the only way.

Have you spoken to her parents? Are they really doing nothing or are they walking on the egg shells an anorexic surrounds herself with? What about teachers? Does the girl acknowledge the problem? That's the very first step. The most difficult thing is for her to decide she wants to recover. Maybe scare tactics will work: If this behaviour continues she will lose all her relationships, may suffer from osteoporosis, organ failure, her teeth will rot, hair fall out, she may never be able to have children..... If telling her about the side-effects of this disease do not help, then try to talk to her about how she sees the future, without recovery it will not be very bright.


This is a lot for a student to deal with. You have a lt going on in your own life. Try to talk to someone (a parent or teacher maybe) who may be able to help.

b3t4

Hi lilmissprincess,

I'm sure this all must be very upsetting for you. My advise to you would to be to read as much as you can about this disease. Your friend is sick and cannot simply snap out of it. She needs your time, patience and love. She will have to do all the hard work and you will need to be there as a friend. Let the doctors and her sort out this disease.

This is a great website for finding out information http://www.something-fishy.org

The following is an exert from this website at http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php


" Things You Shouldn't Say...

"Are you sick?"
"You look like you have AIDS"

lets remember that the person with an Eating Disorder ALREADY has a low self esteem. Why would you want to say these things to anyone, let alone someone with an Eating Disorder (and what if the person in question really was HIV positive, or suffering with AIDS)? There's nothing wrong with approaching a close friend or family member you may be concerned about and saying "you've lost a lot of weight and I'm concerned about you" in a caring way, followed by "I'm here to listen if you want to talk," but any comment that comes across as insulting or an attack will be heard defensively and unproductive for what your original intention may have been.

"Would you just eat already!"
"I don't understand WHY you don't just eat..."
"You better stay out of the *&%'ing bathroom!"

These are not words of love, but of control. Threatening an Anorexic or Bulimic with "take-over" is not a good idea if you're trying to help. Let's try to keep in mind too, like we said earlier, there is a lot of guilt attached to Eating Disorders, so laying it on thick with statements like these only perpetuates that. If you're close enough, there's nothing wrong with a gentle "Want to have some dinner with me?" or "Talk to me" after a meal, but lets keep the mind games to ourselves. With statements like these the person seeking to help is only trying to pacify his or her own guilt in not being able to help, and looking for a quick fix.

"Why are you doing this to me?"
"Would you look at what you're doing to your boyfriend/husband/wife/kids..."

Again, with these types of questions you are only perpetuating guilt. You're basically saying "why do you make everyone so miserable" and "why do you burden us with all this worry" which is nothing but selfish, and even if not meant selfishly, will only be perceived as a "don't burden us with your problems" or "look at all the trouble you're causing." If you are close to someone with an eating disorder (and you might be if you're reading this) take it as an opportunity for yourself to learn to communicate more clearly, and to be a more understanding individual. Those suffering with an Eating Disorders are not DOING anything to you, but are struggling tremendously themselves, inside. You need to keep this in mind when posing questions that are selfishly motivated or hurtful (even if unintentionally).

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Your have good things in your life, what's the problem?"

Those with an Eating Disorder do not choose to do this to themselves. There is no conscious choice (in most cases) where a person suffering from an Eating Disorder would prefer that lifestyle as opposed to one filled with self-love and happiness. This is a coping mechanism, a means for dealing with depression, stress and self-hate that has been built up over many years. It is a reflection of how the person suffering feels about themselves inside. Wonderful husbands, kids, supportive friends have little influence (other than sometimes temporarily) in creating the true self-esteem required for permanent recovery, to cope with life positively, and to learn to believe that we deserve good things in life and happiness. These disorders are about the person suffering and how they feel about themselves. "

I wish you and your friend all the best,
A.

dame

Lilmissprincess, I know what you're going through. I too have seen a friend starving herself. She was addicted to exercise too and it got to the stage where she could do no more than walk before she accepted she needed help. Thankfully she was treated and is now a lot healthier four years on. I would suggest talking to her parents and seeing what they are trying to do for her and if they and her doctor can think of anything you and your friends can do to help. She has been diagnosed so, as other posters have said, the parents must be doing something. Her parents will be happy to know that she has good friends like you who are concerned about her and willing to help.

Having seen how my friend was I know it's pointless to try and force food into her. If you're out shopping or something you could all stop for a break and have a yogurt or a little carton of fruit juice or something small each. Try and encourage her to have one too. Don't go into McDonald's or anywhere like that or you'll just panic her and she'll close up completely. If you're all just having something then she may join in. Don't let one girl buy a big chocolate muffin or anything and tell everyone how good it is. Just all have something small and don't make a big deal out of it. Remember a few spoons of a diet fat-free yogurt in her belly is better than nothing.

If a group of you are watching a dvd or something in a friends house, avoid the big pizza-fests with fizzy drinks and chocolate. You could all eat salads and stuff instead so that your friend may eat a little. Again, don't make a fuss over it, you're just eating healthily if she comments.

Same thing if you meet up to do homework or projects. Take a break to eat an apple each in the middle. If you could keep her occupied and away from the toilet for any length afterwards it would be great. Every little bit digested helps.

I'm very concerned to hear of the bitchiness and comments from people in the class - the "she's too fat to be anorexic" comments. These girls are immature and self-conscious about their own body image. They obviously don't understand how damaging these types of comments can be, not just for your anorexic friend, but for all the other girls too. Tell them to shut up if you hear that type of thing again. Talk to a teacher and try and get them to organise a talk or even a series of talks on the topic of eating disorders. It sounds like a bit of education could do your class good. If the teachers could get a recovered anorexic to talk to the class, that would be excellent.

Look after yourself as well. There's no point in getting ill yourself through lack of sleep and stress.

lilmissprincess

Thank you, for all your advice and stuff, its actually been really good to just spill and get advice.
I don't know her parents at all, so that could be kind of hard.
Will mention it to teachers when we go back, it sounds like the entire year does need that type of education, possibly in Home Ec, or SPHE?
Again, thanks.
L.

Victor

Also http://www.bodywhys.ie/

Try to help with her self-esteem - "thank you for being my friend".

Talliesin

You are in for a long haul, and you are in a position where what you can do to help is limited - you aren't a professional or someone in authority - but vitally important.

Accept that what you can do is limited. That is both a burden, because obviously if you could somehow sort the whole thing out you would do so, and a blessing, because if things get really bad you will need to remind yourself that there was only so much you could do and that you did what you could.

And the main thing you can do is to be her friend, be someone who values her and to let that show.

If things get to a point where you want to give up on her then take a break. If you take a break, get your own head sorted a bit and relax, then you'll be able to come back to her and be her friend. If you don't then the strain may get to the point were you snap and really can't handle her at all any more.

Try to quietly have a good attitude to food yourself, avoid the short-cuts we all take (eating crap because it's faster) and make sure that as much of the food you eat is both nutritious but also tasty. The tasty bit is if anything more important than the nutritious bit - a healthy attitude to food finds good food to be enjoyable, it is after all one of the great pleasures of the flesh probably the one you can best enjoy with your clothes on, and indulges in that pleasure in sensible moderation. An unhealthy attitude to food breaks away from that enjoyment whether to the extreme of finding no enjoyment in it or the extreme of only finding the enjoyment of the emotionally addicted. An ongoing, but quiet rather than preachy, example of a healthy attitude to food could prove vital during a private crisis moment for her that goes unnoticed by you or anyone else.