Need advice please....

LegacyUser

I am not sure what I should do...

I got an urgent call today to come over to a friends house as something awful had happened.

To cut a long story short, my friend informed me that her moms partner of over 10 years sexually assualted her 15 yr old daughter (My friends sister)and her 2 friends on Christmas night.

He was drunk and so were they. He sneaked into their bedroom and assualted two of them.

The police came and arrested him on Stephens's morning.

He had assaulted my friend (26) before but she choose not to tell her mom as she knew it would devastate her. Her mom went through a difficult marriage breakup some years ago and finally found happiness with this guy.

However, she had to be told on this occasion as it is more serious and also we are dealing with minors.

So, he has obviously not returned to the house since. Her mother is devasted as is my friend and I am not sure how her sister is.

Where this becomes tricky as far as I am concerned is that this man happens to be the father of my best friend. Naturally I wanted to contact him to see how he was and if he wanted to talk. Afterall, it must be devasting to hear what your father has done.

I wasn't sure what to say as I had no way of knowing how much if anything he knew. I know he is coming to the house on Sat to collect some of his dads things so I assumed he knew. Perhaps not the full story.

So I sent him a text saying do you want to meet up for a chat and a coffee and that my friend had filled me in on what happened if he wanted to talk. He replied saying he was confused and didnt know what I was talking about.

I replied apologising and said he may want to talk to his dad. Then he got back saying that he was aware that his dad and partner had had a big argument and split up but they will probably get back together in a few days and that it was no skin off his teeth.

His dad was obviously too ashamed to tell him the truth. So he is completely unaware of what is going on and how serious this is. It will come to him eventually but I doubt his dad will say anything.

So my dilemma is should I inform him that it is far more serious than that??

LegacyUser

The other thing is that his fathers partner is afraid he is going to commit suicide so I am anxious for my friend to make contact with his dad too.

But then he will know that I know more than he does and will want to know whats going on.

Anti

God no. Dont tell him. The poor lad wont know what to do if you tell him. He will be mortified and ashamed.

I think its best you just leave it for someone else to say it to him. namely his dad.

Ah this is really a tough one. The son does deserve to know. But do you want the person to tell him ? HE could go mad and start accusing you of making up stuff about his dad.

Maybe his partner ( the father of te son ) should tell him ?

Anyway whatever you do, good luck with it. And sorry to hear what has happened.

LegacyUser

anti wrote:

Maybe his partner ( the father of te son ) should tell him ?

Well he is the son! Its his father that has done this to his partners children.

You see my friends father is seperated from his own wife and has been seeing my other friends mother for the past 10 years or so. So its her daughter he has done this to.

I hope all this makes sense!

And as I know both families so well I am caught in the middle.

LegacyUser

I think you should tell him ... if your really his friend you should fill him in.

Maybe he already knows more than you think anyway.

LegacyUser

You should tell him. He needs to know this. It would undoubthly be better coming from the father but someone must tell him

littlebitdull

I thinks you should tell you male friend. He needs to know this. It would be better if it came from his father but its going to be worse if no-one tells him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your responses!

How to you tell your best mate his dad sexually assualted his partners 15 yr old daughter and her 2 friends!

dame

Just the bare facts, no embellishments or details. Something like "I think you should know the reason for the split. Your Dad was arrested on St.Stephen's Day because he assaulted X and her two frinds on Christmas Night. I think you should maybe talk to him about it."

Make it clear you're not thinking any worse of your friend because of anything his father has done. Also don't ask your friend any questions about it. Let him be the one to bring the subject up at some time in the future, if he ever wants to. Your only role is to tell him in as unthreatening a way as you can and be there if he wants to talk but be aware that he may want to ignore it. Don't force the issue, look for his opinion, or any details of his conversations with his father or family, nothing like that.

After you tell him, casually ask him if he'd like to go to the cinema or somewhere with a group of friends. Something that you would normally do together. Just to reinforce the fact that you see him as the same friend you always did.

im_invisible

dame wrote:

, casually ask him if he'd like to go to the cinema or somewhere with a group of friends. Something that you would normally do together. Just to reinforce the fact that you see him as the same friend you always did.

id say what yer man needs is just to get drunk with a friend and get all the 'why did he do this? HOW could he do this to me? what,,how,,why??' headwreaking questions out of his system, just have someone there to listen, not have to sit through 3 hours of a film with people who he dosnt know if they know the full story or not, that'd be just pure headfcuk awkwardness on everyones part,

just an opinion

LegacyUser

'Go with your insincts as only you know these people & how they will respond.

Ask yourself this "If I were in his situation, would I want to be told?"

Another thing to be aware of is that your friend (who was assaulted & did not report the incident) will probably be feeling very guilty right now. She may well be beating herself up as if she had done something then her sister & friends would have been spared. Be there for her too. She was naive in thinking that it was a one off incident.

Good luck'

Jotter

I think he needs to be told, chances are hell have an idea anyway but isnt saying anything about it. Someday your friend could have kids and if his father is an abuser than these children will need to be protected from him or at the very least have supervised visits so it will have to come out one way or another.
I had a friend who told us one nite that his dad was in prison for asssaulting his niece. There had been an incident before where the dad was accused of assault but the family chose to bury their heads and had moved town. He somehow managed to forgive his dad, even the neice did but I think this was mainly bec the man had numerous strokes etc but the bottom line is that these people very rarely change, with or without treatment, your friend prob wont thank you for telling him but its better than him finding out on the street. Another alternative is to tell the mother of the girl to tell him but I would imagine she has enough on her plate and doesnt want any dealings with his family. Good luck anyway.

mr_angry

If it were me, I'd keep my head down and avoid the whole situation altogether. IMO, getting involved in other people's families always works out badly. Yeah, perhaps your friend deserves to know, but he deserves to have his father tell him. Lets face it, he's unlikely to pat you on the back and say "Thanks for letting me know"... this kind of news is going to hit him for six, and there are no guarantees on how he'll react to you as the bearer of bad news. He may opt to "shoot the messenger", if you know what I mean.

Sooner or later, he's going to find out anyway. An arrest and charges of sexual assault aren't easy things to hide. If I were you, I'd keep asking your friend to go out for a pint, or to the cinema and stuff, and just try to still be a good friend when he eventually needs one.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys!

Its so hard to know what is the right thing to do. I was trying to think to myself how I would react if he was to tell me something like that about my dad. I would be totally shocked and ashamed and probably embarrassed to be around him in the future.

This was his exact response to my text when I said do you want to meet up and talk about what happened:

"Well I know him and ***** had a fight and broke up, but why would I need to chat about that? I didn't get any details so maybe you know something that I don't....Its bad for them but no skin off my nose...maybe just a matter of time and they will kiss and make up"

So he basically hadn't a clue. His partner is afraid he is going to commit suicide so I was anxious for my mate to get in contact with his dad. So I kind of hinted that it was more serious and that he should contact him.

Haven't had a reply yet!

Miss Fluff

Why don't you have a word with his father's partner and urge her to tell him? Are they close at all? Remember at this juncture it is an ALLEGED assault, (and that is how your friend will see it) so you have to tread very carefully indeed.

As someone said, I would be there for your friend for pints/chats etc but I'm not sure it is your place to tell him.

I guess you are in a position to tell him should word get out on the street, then it is a case of preparing him for the abuse he's going to face but until that happens (if it does at all) he should really be told by his father/family member.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

Why don't you have a word with his father's partner and urge her to tell him? Are they close at all?

Well they aint really that close. But she is in an awful state to be honest. She can't even talk properly. She suffered a nervous breakdown before from the breakup of her marriage some years ago and now she has to deal with this. She is on medication from the shock. She asked me to talk to my friend but that was because she assumed he knew everything.

Miss Fluff wrote:

I guess you are in a position to tell him should word get out on the street, then it is a case of preparing him for the abuse he's going to face but until that happens (if it does at all) he should really be told by his father/family member.

Well he doesn't really get on all that great with his dad. He himself is married and has been living independently of his own family since 18 or so. Now 28.

I see more of his dad and his parner and family than he does. Its not like he is still living at home with his dad. So he wont be subject to abuse from people on the street.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

Remember at this juncture it is an ALLEGED assault, (and that is how your friend will see it) so you have to tread very carefully indeed.

I forgot to mention that when arrested he admitted everything!

Miss Fluff

Up to his Dad to tell him then. You have already suggested to him that he should have a word with his Dad so easier that his own father tells him. Poor you, it's a terirble predicament for you, but best he hears it directly. When talking to him again urge him to talk to his father to hear the full story.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

Up to his Dad to tell him then. You have already suggested to him that he should have a word with his Dad so easier that his own father tells him. Poor you, it's a terirble predicament for you, but best he hears it directly. When talking to him again urge him to talk to his father to hear the full story.

Do you think he will be angry that I know all this ahead of him. I mean if he found out and I know nothing about it he probably wouldn't want me to know!

Miss Fluff

the_unregged wrote:

Do you think he will be angry that I know all this ahead of him. I mean if he found out and I know nothing about it he probably wouldn't want me to know!

The fact of the matter is you do know though and afforded him the choice to go and speak to his Dad independently. You have proven yourself to be a good friend.

Coming to him as a friend, no matter how factual or truthful it is, is in effect hearsay, or will seem to be gossip mongering in some way, so better that he speaks with the people involved directly.

Just offer your support, nothing else you can do really.

CharLit

the_unregged wrote:

I forgot to mention that when arrested he admitted everything!

If that is the case, I assume he is in custody: surely his son would be informed of this? I'm rather surprised the police haven't been talking to the son already.

Shellie13

Tough one-personally I'd be outraged if a friend knew this and withheld it from me-even if it was for my own good!

LegacyUser

Shellie13 wrote:

Tough one-personally I'd be outraged if a friend knew this and withheld it from me-even if it was for my own good!

I am not trying to withhold it! I am seeking advice as to whether that kind of information should come from me and if so how to approach it.

LegacyUser

CharLit wrote:

If that is the case, I assume he is in custody: surely his son would be informed of this? I'm rather surprised the police haven't been talking to the son already.

No I don't believe he is in custody! At least he wasn't yesterday.