Parents Behaviour When Friends Come To Visit

LegacyUser

I’m 21 but no doubt this post will make me sound like I’m about 13.

My mom starts behaving really strangely anytime I have friends around Has been like that as long as I can remember but worsened as I’ve gotten older (or I can feel it more now)

It’s so bad that I don’t usually invite anyone home. She won’t hesitate insulting me, finding ridiculous stories from my childhood, whinging about her marriage (yes!) or just ‘hovering’ over anything I do with my friends. Also since I’m living in a rural place, no easy escapes.

Now a friend is coming early January for a few days and I’m home at my parents so not back in my college house yet (and besides, my friend wants to see the rural west) and am already nervous about what my mom might come up with.

Anytime I try bringing up the topic, it ends in a big row about me judging her (and then even worse she’ll tell whoever I have over that I told her not to talk to them, as has happened in the past).

I’m not really sure what to do. I should be looking forward to the visit but right now I’m dreading it.

Any suggestions on dealing with my mom. Talking really doesn’t seem to work and while there may be underlying causes to her behaviour, I really don’t see this as the context in which to deal with them in.

Ickle Magoo

WhatshouldIsay wrote:

Talking really doesn’t seem to work...

What have you said to her about this issue already?

Heinrich

talking doesn't work

Try walking next. You are an adult living in your parent's ear. Get a life and a place of your own. Doing that will save you the distress of having to psychoanalyse your mother!

Bad enough providing you with a roof over your head with all the mod cons but she now has to provide B&B facilities for your pal.

Beruthiel

Heinrich wrote:

Bad enough providing you with a roof over your head with all the mod cons but she now has to provide B&B facilities for your pal.

Couldn't agree more. I don't see why your mother has to put up with your mates coming over if she doesn't want to. It's her house. You should be grateful she puts up with it, I most certainly wouldn't.
Move out, get your own gaf and then you can do as you please.

Anti

Yore auld wan sounds like a nut case, but i have to agree, its her house.She can do as she pleases. But it osunds like your mother is very bored, and wants someone to talk to.

Move out.

Faith

Read the whole post. The OP lives in his/her own place, but is just staying with his/her parents over Christmas.

and I’m home at my parents so not back in my college house yet (and besides, my friend wants to see the rural west)

Maybe explain the situation to your friend before s/he visits, OP? Or just actively try to avoid your parents as much as possible.

vermont

Jeez, the replies so far aren't exactly overflowing with the milk of human kindness are they??

OP, the last poster was right, you should defo fill your mate in on your mum's behaviour. Don't worry, it won't seem as bad in your friend's eyes is it does in yours. And yes, do organise your time and be out as much as possible, including eating out if you can.

Your Mum sounds like she's got problems - there's no way it's acceptable to be talking about your marriage negatively to even your own children, let alone your kids' mates. She obviously doesn't have much of a life of her own if she's hovering round her you and your mates.
If she won't listen to your point of view, nothing you can do except avoid her until you have your own independence....

Stark

vermont wrote:

She obviously doesn't have much of a life of her own if she's hovering round her you and your mates.

Bit harsh isn't it? What's she supposed to do when his friends are over? Clear out of her own house for the evening? Hide in the kitchen?

vermont

How's it harsh? Visualise a mate at your house for a few hours, would you really want your Ma hovering round the whole time talking about how you ran round the roads starkers as a kid or dissing her husband? Nah, I don't think so.....

I presume it's not just an open plan house with one big room is it? Personally my own experience of going into mates' houses is having a bit of an ol' yack with the parents or whatever for a short while, then going off with the mate somewhere to chat with them.... Methinks that's more the norm, and obviously the op does too.

DonkeyStyle \o/

I don't imagine she's doing it just to upset you, I'd say she sees it as perfectly reasonable behaviour on her part... I'll work on this premise.

I don't know what was said in the talk you had about it, but if it went as badly as you say; all I can imagine is a lot of "how dare you say x y z" and a kind of accusing tone to the whole piece... which I think would illicit a defensive response in anyone who believes they're acting reasonably. (eg. a 'big row about me judging her')

"Don't talk to my friends" is no good IMO, it's an insult... it's as good as saying "Every word out of your mouth is an embarrassment".
I can't say I'm especially surprised that that one backfired on you.

I suggest if you take this topic up again not to make it about her and what she's doing wrong... make it about you and how you feel uncomfortable around certain topics when you have company.
If you don't make it about her, then there's nothing to jump into defensive mode about and you might actually have a reasonable chat about what boundaries could be agreed on.

But then it's a hugely delicate matter and it depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mother... if you think she'd throw a heart-to-heart discussion back in your face infront of your friend then I probably wouldn't bother.

I've made several assumptions here, so sorry if I'm way off the mark.

vermont wrote:

Don't worry, it won't seem as bad in your friend's eyes is it does in yours.

Have to agree with this... I've had friends who were really embarrassed with the things their parents would say to me, but I honestly thought nothing of it.

Little-Devil

WhatshouldIsay wrote:

I’m 21 but no doubt this post will make me sound like I’m about 13.

My mom starts behaving really strangely anytime I have friends around Has been like that as long as I can remember but worsened as I’ve gotten older (or I can feel it more now)

It’s so bad that I don’t usually invite anyone home. She won’t hesitate insulting me, finding ridiculous stories from my childhood, whinging about her marriage (yes!) or just ‘hovering’ over anything I do with my friends. Also since I’m living in a rural place, no easy escapes.

Now a friend is coming early January for a few days and I’m home at my parents so not back in my college house yet (and besides, my friend wants to see the rural west) and am already nervous about what my mom might come up with.

Anytime I try bringing up the topic, it ends in a big row about me judging her (and then even worse she’ll tell whoever I have over that I told her not to talk to them, as has happened in the past).

I’m not really sure what to do. I should be looking forward to the visit but right now I’m dreading it.

Any suggestions on dealing with my mom. Talking really doesn’t seem to work and while there may be underlying causes to her behaviour, I really don’t see this as the context in which to deal with them in.

Im sure we can all recall embarrassing moments when having friends over and when your parents start talking to them etc. Your mother probably doesn't even realise what she is doing. I would tell your friend about your mother how she always embarrassing you etc, everyone's mother does it though out.

Why not fight fire with fire? If your mother insults you then pass a comment back, sarcastic ones, not to hurtful, maybe she will get the hint.

InFront

Beruthiel wrote:

Couldn't agree more. I don't see why your mother has to put up with your mates coming over if she doesn't want to. It's her house. You should be grateful she puts up with it, I most certainly wouldn't.

wouldn't put up with your son's friends calling over?

Anyway, op, some mothers are weird. I haven't moved away from home throughour my student life, but I have friends who did, and their parents are always complaining that they never see their kids, or that when theyre home they wont spend time with them, etc. Maybe that's the problem here? Spend more time with your mother. You mentioned somthing about abad marriage, perhaps she is lonely.

From your description she does sound a little overbearing, but are you sure that's just not how you're seeing things? She wouldn't be the first mother to pull out embarrassing childhood stories from the closet. My mother virtually supplies my friends with a goody bag of blackmail ammunition when they visit, for what it's worth.

Stark

vermont wrote:

I presume it's not just an open plan house with one big room is it? Personally my own experience of going into mates' houses is having a bit of an ol' yack with the parents or whatever for a short while, then going off with the mate somewhere to chat with them.... Methinks that's more the norm, and obviously the op does too.

It depends on the size of the house. When I used to visit friends at their parents' houses, some would have two living areas where we'd have a room to ourselves while the famiy watched TV in the other room; others would have just a kitchen and a TV/sitting room and I'd have to be watch TV with the family.

LegacyUser

OP again, thanks for your replies everyone.

One point I should have mentioned is that I’m an only child and I think points about my mother being lonely / bored are close to accurate.

I live away from home, though come home most weekends and now course the holidays. Except for this behaviour, I think we have a good relationship, spend most time at weekends with my family, still go on holidays with my parents, help out with their stuff; I feel I do more than most kids (though I may be totally wrong).

That however isn’t enough in my mom’s eyes, I should be doing more around the house/business stuff, should be teaching her computers (big Christmas moan was that she’d have appreciated computer lessons rather than what I got her for Christmas)

I’m sure she doesn’t mean it badly and thinks her behaviour is normal but that’s what makes it so hard for me to say anything. Just mentioning that I’d like her to be a little discrete when my friends come sends her on the defensive and even sparked a Christmas row.

It's also not a case of taking over the house. Just my mom like to be anywhere we are....

As for friends maybe not noticing, in fact the ‘hovering’ term wasn’t mine but something a friend came up with. The hovering isn’t actually what bothers me most since that could just be seen as caring that guests are happy (which is probably what she thinks) but what kinda crazy comment she might come up with.

I feel 13 again...

skywalker

Beruthiel wrote:

Couldn't agree more. I don't see why your mother has to put up with your mates coming over if she doesn't want to. It's her house. You should be grateful she puts up with it, I most certainly wouldn't.
Move out, get your own gaf and then you can do as you please.

Are you kids really that much of a burden that them wanting a mate to stay over occasionally is enough to warrant you advising them to move out?