Torchwood ep 1x10 - Amelia gets ****ed

Stark

Torchwood, outside the government, beyond the police, who gives a **** about the United Nations. The 21st century is when every character has a gay kiss and you've gotta be ready.

3 people from the fifties arrive in Torchwood's lap. There's no way of sending them back so Torchwood, like the good guys that they are, must help them readjust to 21st century life and help them track down what families they have left if any. Or shoot them. I'm pretty sure the prospect of listening to Gwen whine for hours on end was the only reason they didn't choose the latter.

Back in Torchwood Hub, the 3 reminiscence about the 50s, their families, their plans for the future and their trip to some place called Dublin. I didn't even know there was a Dublin in TV land. I bet it's full of Oirish people and cailíní dancing on the crossroads. Torchwood set them up with new identities and "practice currency". Hooray, Euro starter packs! When everything changes, Torchwood won't be caught napping. Their backgrounds incorporate their skills. John will run a spar, Diane will be a trolly dolly on British Airways and Emma will be a foster child who dreams of becoming a whore. Jack explains the concept of inflation to John, who doesn't seem to understand, despite being a shop keeper.

They arrive at the supermarket. Ianto is in the middle of explaining how the Star Trek doors work (you see there are people on either side of the door), when Diane is distracted by bananas. Wait till she discovers the cucumbers! Our trio run around like spoilt children and John finds some dirty magazines at the checkout. Mommy I want it I want it. Ianto momentarily wishes he went to the porn free checkout before becoming interested in the magazine itself. Scantily-clad celebrities eh? Ianto wonders if there's one with John Barrowman on the cover. Ianto disappears off, presumably to procure a copy of "Attitude". Guess we won't be seeing him for the rest of the episode. In a genuinely funny moment, Diane picks up a box of cigarettes pointing to the "Smoking Kills" slogan and asks what it means.

That evening, time to find jobs. Diane's looking for something in aviation. *cough* Ryanair *cough*. Emma says she needs to find a husband. You can't just walk into that position these days Emma. You'll start at the bottom doing blowjobs and then work your way up to Richard Gere. Two girls walk in. Emma and Diane look revulsed. Darkies! Diane needs to escape, so she goes to look at a plane with Owen. She explains the story of how she became a pilot and says no "pig headed man tells me what to do". How about frog-faced? The plane is called Sky Gypsy. Careful you don't head over any farms in it.

In the pub, Jack & John are on a date. I guess Jack gets turned on at the prospect of ugly sex. John lights up. Someone tells him they've a smoking ban in Wales. Woohoo Wales! Owen and Diane are also on a date. Owen opens with the subject of artificial insemination. Smooth Owen, smooth. Reproduction for Owen is jacking off over some unfertilised frog spawn. More of the worst conversation ever and Diane agrees to go home with him. She must be desperate. Or drugged. You didn't think Owen became a nice guy all of a sudden this episode did you?

Back at Owen's place, Diane finds his range of beauty products. What a shame they don't work. He should discover Clarins, perhaps they do something for those purple slits he calls lips. Owen suggests they could be "**** buddies". "What's a **** buddy". Apparently it's a buddy who's a ****tard. Like Owen.

Next scene, Gwen's boyfriend is strolling around. We haven't seen much of him in ages, so the writers have given us more than we wanted to see of him to make up for him. Gwen introduces him as Rhys. Thanks Gwen, I'd forgotten his name. She tells him Emma is religious. Rhys says not to tell them about his morning glory. Ewww. No wonder she screamed. "Honey bring it close to my lips yeah. It's gotta be big. NOOOO".

Back on Torchwood Hub, Jack is moping around. "No puzzle to solve, no enemy to fight. Just three lost people who have somehow become our responsibility. Maybe we can shoot them before Gwen comes home".

At the airport, Owen is trying to book Diane in for a flight in a plane similar to the one she flew. Unfortunately they won't let her fly unaccompanied without a licence. They should have tried this in Ireland; maybe that's why they were heading to Dublin.

That night Gwen and Rhys take Emma out clubbing. As soon as she gets lucky, Gwen freaks out and tears the guy off her. Gwen takes her home to tell her the facts of life. It's awkward and boring. Until Emma comes out with the horrendous revelation that she doesn't like to sleep around. The filth! On a post-watershed show!

Back at Owen's, Diane is frustrated at the prospect of her new Ryanair job. "I can't if I want to fly a jet plane, because that's all flying is now - pressing buttons. You used to have to know how to fix an engine, how to gauge the wind but...". In that case, she should be looking for a job with Aer Arann.

Emma comes come in a fetching new coat. "Fifties fashion she said". "They hired me immediately". They must have found out she'd work for below minimum wage. Way below minimum wage. "I can house share, they've given me numbers". House share in the shop attic presumably. They were hoping they'd get cheap labour from Eastern Europe. They hit the jackpot when cheap labour from the past arrived on their doorstep. Can we get EU membership for the 50s? Free movement through the rift, that's what we like. They go out shopping. They come back. Rhys is pissed. Gwen's mum called; she didn't know who Emma was. "Go on then, who is PollyAnna?" Lesbian lover or trafficked migrant worker from the fifties; you decide.

Owen and Diane stand on a rooftop. "What shall we drink to?" "Me getting laid", Owen thinks. He actually says "chance meetings" or something equally naff though. Flash back to Torchwood hub and Ianto's car keys have gone missing. Someone's entered him in a swingers' meeting! They figure out that John took them. Instead of going with Jack to help, Ianto returns to his dirty magazines and the hope of finding Jack's keys in a bowl somewhere.

Jack finds John in a car with the windows closed and exhaust gases flowing in. Luckily John didn't know how to bypass the catalytic converter, so he's still alive and well. They have a conversation about time and death. Just when we thought John's situation couldn't get any more depressing, we flash back to Diana who is having a sweaty game of reverse leapfrog to remind us that it could actually be worse. Jack comes over all hot for the ugly sex again so he climbs in the car with John. As the oxygen supply runs low, Jack thinks "my god, this is going to be really hot". He puts his hand on John's and moves John's hand over to his crotch. Luckily for us, John falls asleep before this can go any further.

At the bus stop, Gwen and Rhys are sending Chastity Girl away. "Don't come back until London has knocked some sense into you!". At the plane place, Diane, obviously high from licking one too many toads, is about to climb into a plane to return to the rift. Owen is begging her to stay. She tells him she loves him. She loves Rift more though. Her plane flies off. To give a dramatic finale, we end the episode here. Much better than showing her return five minutes later after realising that the rift doesn't actually open every time it's windy and having to put up with more chit chat with herself and Owen.

Roll on next week. LooksGoodInASuit had better be finished with those magazines.

aidan_walsh

I'm sending these to the BBC, perhaps you can get a job writing Season 2

popebenny16

Astounding, brilliant post. Sums up everything to say about Tourchwood but I havent got the talent to say it.

One thing though, anf this really really annoys me about this programme: We get a good story with John, his son, his wishing to die, and Jacks sensitive reaction to it, amist all the usuall by-the-numbers dross we usually get. This happens here and there throughout the series and it is really fustrating.

Next week Gwen tell Rhys (thanks Stark I'd forgotten his name as well) about her and that git. From what I could glimpse of the trailer does Git beat up Rhys?

You can just see it:

Gwen: I leaving you, you're poorly defined, shallow, and have no character at all.

Rhys: Thanks a ****ing lot Russell.

Poor bastard. If he'd never actually been in the series Gwens character (what there is of it) wouildnt have changed one iota.

Next week is the last, thank Christ.

aidan_walsh

Next week is the last, thank Christ.

Its 11 of 13, isn't it? "Combat", "Captain Jack Harkness" (an episode which even Gwen couldn't manage to hijack, could she?) and "End of Days" are left.

Next week's might be more interesting, if only for it's written by Noel "Mickey the idiot" Clarke.

popebenny16

aidan_walsh wrote:

Its 11 of 13, isn't it? "Combat", "Captain Jack Harkness" (an episode which even Gwen couldn't manage to hijack, could she?) and "End of Days" are left.

Next week's might be more interesting, if only for it's written by Noel "Mickey the idiot" Clarke.

'sright, see what its doing to me?

secret_squirrel

Hot fifites girls in 3-way with Baltar; woops, wrong show

Ahh Come on lads that was one of the better ones.

A bit slow and thoughtful perhaps, but actually surprising well scripted.

More like this please.

Hopefully next week we get to see Dr Git get a kicking.

iguana

Stark.

Why, oh why does every woman in the series have a thing for or end up ****ing Owen? Gwen, Tosh secretly loves him, Susie and now Diane. And if Lee Evans crossed with Frog is so bloody irresistible to the women of Cardiff why was he trying to alien drug rape women in the pilot?

mike65

I watched this one just now! It was my first Torchwood so I dunno how it rates on the quality-o-meter. My main feeling is that is was slick but shallow even when trying to be 'deep'.

Mike.

popebenny16

iguana wrote:

Stark.

Why, oh why does every woman in the series have a thing for or end up ****ing Owen? Gwen, Tosh secretly loves him, Susie and now Diane. And if Lee Evans crossed with Frog is so bloody irresistible to the women of Cardiff why was he trying to alien drug rape women in the pilot?

I dont understand it either, but it's true.

I checked out the torchwood clips on You Tube and where he is in the clips all the woman who leave comments think he is God's gift!!

I must ask Mrs Popebenny16 about this, hang on whilst I ring her..............
....................................

wait a sec........................

she'll be back in a min................

She says he's all right but nothing special.

That help?

iguana

Captain Jack and Ianto are all right but nothing special. (Actually Captain Jack was a little special in DW, but whoever is doing his make-up in Torchwood needs to be sacked). Owen is incredibly ugly.

Stark

Giving frigid Gwen a kiss because you're her buoyfriend

The actor who plays Owen isn't too bad looking. Kind of guy that you'd say was nice looking if he had the personality to go with it. Unfortunately the character doesn't have the personality Burn Gorman might be alright looking but Owen Harper is sleazy, greasy, repulsive and capable of cross breeding with amphibians

Ianto Jones is delcious imo. As for Jack, I agree that he was far sexier in Doctor Who. He was more fun and flirtatious in Doctor Who as well. He seems to do nothing but mope in "his" new show.

Kwekubo

Having frog sex with Owen Harper

There was some funny moments, like Ianto's one-liners, your one screaming her head off at Rhys' genitalia, Jack getting lonely etc, but this episode was so boring... Nothing happened... I kept expecting some sort of action to kick in, but nothing.

Here's hoping things get less soporific next week.