Advice please

sdkd

Here is my situation, not long married 6 months or so, been with this girl for four years. She has a little boy from a previous relationship and as far as he is concerned I’m his dad as I have been there from 5 months on.

Things have gone down hill since we came home from the honeymoon, she is snappy with me, wants to be out with her friends while I stay at home mining the little one, and comes home all hours. I don’t go out and am doing my very best to make here happy so she might change. She says that she feels tied down and always in the house and never has enough money, she works full time like me.
The thing that annoys me most is she never suggest we go out and she is always tired no matter what I do to help about the house and as for sex, I think we slept together twice since we got back from the honeymoon, she says she is afraid of getting pregnant. My question is this: Is this normal for a girl that is married to feel like she is trapped and needs her own space because I am at a loss, I thought marriage was about sharing some time together?

6th

Sounds to me like she just married herself a great babysitter. She put something permanent in place so she could finally enjoy herself, with the child she probably hasnt had much freedom in a while.

Let me guess: you are a 'nice, dependable' guy?

LundiMardi

How old are you guys?

Tbh, i'd maybe get out of the house for a few days, stay with friends, family, reasses the situation and see what your wife really wants from this. Because at the rate you're going, you're just being taken advantage of.

humanji

I agree with 6th there. You both need to go to a councellor or at the very least sit her down and tell her how you feel. She's not being fair on you at all!

sdkd

6th wrote:

Let me guess: you are a 'nice, dependable' guy?

Yeah i suppose your right, but i tried beinging the oppisite and it didn't work it only made things worse. Am i wrong to be wanted to spend more time as a couple? I mean i love the little lad as if he was my own and i do care for my wife with all my heart but i just don't know where to go from here. She is heading out this thursday and i know in my heart that she wont be home till atleast 4am and i know she knows how i feel because i told her. Anything i can do to change things?

i'm 26
she's 29

LundiMardi

That's very young to be married with children, i really HATE to bring this up, but do you trust her? What is she doing until 4am?

I really would rethink your situation, you're still very young and you do NOT need to be in your own shoes.

humanji

sdkd wrote:

Yeah i suppose your right, but i tried beinging the oppisite and it didn't work it only made things worse. Am i wrong to be wanted to spend more time as a couple? I mean i love the little lad as if he was my own and i do care for my wife with all my heart but i just don't know where to go from here. She is heading out this thursday and i know in my heart that she wont be home till atleast 4am and i know she knows how i feel because i told her. Anything i can do to change things?

i'm 26
she's 29

You can tell her that if she's not going to put effort into the relationship, then you don't have to either. Tell her you're not her babysitter and that things have to change. If they don't then get out.

dellas1979

Right, some evening, put the baby to bed, turn off the TV. Open a bottle of wine, have a glass and have a talk.

I honestly feel for you. Seems she is having a right good old walk all over you. And to an extent, you are letting her. You need to let her know how you feel and that it needs to stop. It takes two to make a relationship work. Sorry to say, but you need to put the foot down. You are not happy and she needs to know.

If the rug is pulled out from under her feet, I guarantee she wont be long changing her tune. You are not there at her disposal. Stand up for yourself.

sdkd

LundiMardi wrote:

i really HATE to bring this up, but do you trust her? What is she doing until 4am?

LundiMardi to answer your question, i think so, but when you don't want to be out with someone and you don't want to be intimate it just makes me wonder. I am far to soft but i tried to be tougher but it didn't work, the toughts of her going out till late this thursday is seriously annoying me but i know what she is going to say if i say anything: "i just out with a few mates from work"

LundiMardi

Why don't you make plans to go out with mates on Friday? You deserve a social life too! Tell her today ''i'm going out on Friday so don't go making any plans BIATCH!!!''...

leave out the biatch part though;)

Miss Fluff

sdkd wrote:

, she is snappy with me, wants to be out with her friends while I stay at home mining the little one, and comes home all hours. I don’t go out and am doing my very best to make here happy so she might change. She says that she feels tied down and always in the house and never has enough money, she works full time like me.

So she is too tired to go out as a couple and too tired for sex and yet musters up the energy to stay out until 4am while you are home alone? Have you sat down and discussed this in depth with her? Sounds like having a permanent babysitter to hand has given her a new lease of life. You sounds like a great guy, what a shame she is taking you for granted.

You say you are doing all you can to make her happy so she might change. Sounds like you will give her an inch and she will take a mile. How about drawing back a bit and NOT being so indulgent? When she says she is going out tell her sorry, you have already made plans. You say you don't go out much, don't worry. Go and see friends or family and let HER babysit HER child for once.

sdkd

LundiMardi wrote:

Why don't you make plans to go out with mates on Friday? You deserve a social life too!

I do agree but it wont change a thing with regards to our marriage, i think it's getting to the stage where i feel like giving up. I think she is depressed but i am going down the same road myself. I really do love her but as all the others said i need to stand up for myself.
If ye were me what would ye do?
Say something?
Give her another chance since she promised she wont be out till late?
Give up?
Work through some how???????????????

Miss Fluff

sdkd wrote:

I do agree but it wont change a thing with regards to our marriage, i think it's getting to the stage where i feel like giving up. I think she is depressed but i am going down the same road myself. I really do love her but as all the others said i need to stand up for myself.
If ye were me what would ye do?
Say something?
Give her another chance since she promised she wont be out till late?
Give up?
Work through some how???????????????

You have to sit down and discuss this. Explain that after six months you didn't think you would be in a sexless marriage where you are literally left holding the baby.

LundiMardi

sdkd wrote:

I do agree but it wont change a thing with regards to our marriage, i think it's getting to the stage where i feel like giving up. I think she is depressed but i am going down the same road myself. I really do love her but as all the others said i need to stand up for myself.
If ye were me what would ye do?
Say something?
Give her another chance since she promised she wont be out till late?
Give up?
Work through some how???????????????

I personally would sit her down and explain how i feel. If she agrees that she needs to act a little more resonsible then i'd give it some time to see improvements, if everything gets better, good enough. If i think she is making no more effort than before, then i'm gone, cos i'm not giving up my life for anything. She can find some other mug to babysit for her.

If she doesn't even see that there's a problem, then again, i'm gone!

That's what i would do, what are you going to do?

dellas1979

Only you know what you want to say.

Come on!!! Look, isnt it better to say something than keeping it all in and appearing to be happy?

Stand up for yourself man.

Beruthiel

sdkd wrote:

i need to stand up for myself.

A doormat will always be walked on.

If ye were me what would ye do?
Say something?

Of course you say something.
Did she totally change since ye got married or were things always like this?
I'm feeling that something is missing in your story here. What I mean by that is, ye are newly married, happiest time normally. Where's the communication?
How come ye have not come to some sort or arrangement whereby she goes out perhaps twice a month with her mates, you go out the other every second week with yours and ye both find the time to get a babysitter and go out for a meal once every 2/3 weeks together.
Time to sit her down and discuss the above with her, because for the life of me, I can't understand how you could feel 'trapped' after only 6 months of marriage.

Aoife-FM104

So she's gone and got herself a pushover to bring up someone elses child?

You need to talk to her. If she's not willing to change, you need to get out of that relationship, unless you want a future of pain.

And as much as you love that kid, he's not yours, so you're not abandoning your child.

Kell

sdkd wrote:

Am i wrong to be wanted to spend more time as a couple? I mean i love the little lad as if he was my own and i do care for my wife with all my heart but i just don't know where to go from here.

Going to play devils advocate for a moment here. As someone pointed out, I have the feeling we dont know the whole story i.e. was she always like this and did you walk into things with your eyes wide shut?

Are you letting your "perception" of what marriage "should" be like dictate your feelings on this as opposed to what it actually is. How was your sex life before the marriage? Did she go out with her mates till four in the morning before you got married? Is it a case that you "think" she should behave like x, y & z because you are married when she never did before? Is this a case of a marriage ruining a great friendship?

I think you need to ask yourself the following questions to substantiate your reasoning-

1) Was she out on the píss with her mates before we got married on a regular basis
2) How often did we have sex
3) Did I feel like she walked all over me before the wedding
4) Am I being a bit needy here

Perhaps yes she needs to be a bit more considerate of you, but getting married is not a reason to give up your social life. The more you worry about it will drive you further apart. The more you talk of wanting to spend nights in, the more she is going to resent the pressure and keep going out.

If she is a freedom loving person and you like to be needed, are you really suitable at all?

K-

sdkd

Beruthiel wrote:

Did she totally change since ye got married or were things always like this?
I'm feeling that something is missing in your story here.

May clear up one issue she goes out once a week but it’s every week and she never goes out with me.

Things were certainly different before the wedding, suppose looking back we didn’t do much. I know she feels like she is nearly 30 with a kid, married and bills but I am in the same situation, I have some part to play in this too. I really could have made more of an effort to try and get out but she always use to say no, she was wrecked so eventually I gave up asking. I think things just slid into a rut but she always was too tired or not in the humour to go out. I even asked last night would she come out but she said she was too tired (after being out on Friday with the girls).

We did talk and she did say that she felt stuck in a rut and she was depressed and she felt that she wasn’t ready for another child but I didn’t say I was ready or even suggested it. We never got the time as a normal couple does when they first date and I really missed that. I just would really love for here to say “we will get a babysitter in and head out together” rather than “I’m too tired” or “I’m meeting up with my work buddies for a drink”. I just feel like I’m really trying my best to work at this and she is just giving us a half hearted effort. I think I won’t get a lot of sleep wondering just what will happen on Thursday, i’m not stopping her from going out but I don’t think it’s fair that she stays out till 3/4 in the morning when we have a kid to be up with shortly afterwards and of course she will say the following night “I’m going to bed I’m wrecked!”.
She does suggest for me to go out but unlike her I would like to be out with her and occasionally be out with the lads. I just thought that’s what a marriage is about you enjoy going out together and have an occasional night out with the lads/girls. Not ever week!

Maybe I’m totally wrong about the way I’m thinking I just feel really low lately wondering am I making her happy?, maybe I’m doing everything wrong?, maybe it’s me? I really thing the spark is going and I am trying my hardest to keep the fire lit. She has told me that she just wants time but in the mean time am I suppose to put up with the way things are going?

sdkd

Kell wrote:

1) Was she out on the píss with her mates before we got married on a regular basis
2) How often did we have sex
3) Did I feel like she walked all over me before the wedding
4) Am I being a bit needy here
K-

1) Very rairly
2) Sometimes maybe a few times in a month
3) No
4) Maybe

6th

sdkd wrote:

i tried beinging the oppisite and it didn't work it only made things worse.

Of course it made it worse, the idea is that you should be able to be yourself in a relationship. Unfortunately you are in a relationship where your partner takes advantage of the type of person you are as opposed t o you guys working well together.

Its a real pity because you dont need to change who you are and she probably wont change who she is ... that means it just may never work out.

I hope for your sake she starts to appreciate the type of guy she has, good guys don't have to finish last!

Kebab

She's taking you for granted and seeing how far she can push you and what she can get away with. I think now she has someone who she can regularly leave her son with, she's going out and having a bit of the fun she missed out on earlier in her life.

It's possible that she's also a bit depressed in the aftermath of the wedding - that does happen. Did ye spend a long time preparing for the wedding, did it take up a lot of your time for months? It could have left a bit of a hole in her life which maybe she's filling by going out all the time - and it's Christmas so that's going to happen.

You'll have to sit down with her and talk to her about it - saying/doing nothing won't help at all. It's making you miserable which is incredibly unfair of her. You're only recently married - you should be spending a lot of time with your new wife and enjoying spending time together. I'm only married a few months myself (no children in the equation yet though) and I must say I would be very upset if my husband acted that way...

good luck

K

Kell

sdkd wrote:

and she never goes out with me.

This is really quite a problem. Again was this the case before the marriage?

sdkd wrote:

I really could have made more of an effort to try and get out but she always use to say no, she was wrecked so eventually I gave up asking.

I know some people who dont socialise with eachothers mates and basically live with/shag someone and thats as far as it goes.

sdkd wrote:

I just thought that’s what a marriage is about you enjoy going out together and have an occasional night out with the lads/girls. Not ever week!

You're not sounding unfair. Seems like ye both have very different ideas as to what marriage is about.

In fairness, some of what you have said seems to have been the case the whole time (not an energetic sex life etc) and sorry to say this, but you did kinda go into this with your eyes wide shut and you have to be asking yourself the question "if I knew what she was like, why did I let it get this far?"

Rather than chatting about how you feel about her going out without you, which will only lead to greater tension, try talking to her about what her perception of her marriage is and also field yours. If it is a case that you both have very different ideas on this, I am sorry my friend but it may be a case of moving on. You are young, it hasnt been that long, but if it is not right, its just not right.

K-

sdkd

Thanks to eveyone for there reply, going to try and talk things through with her and give it one finally shot before i give up. There is only so long that a person can be a door-mat and i'm getting fairly sick of being walked on.

Thanks again everyone

free2fly

sdkd wrote:

Maybe I’m totally wrong about the way I’m thinking I just feel really low lately wondering am I making her happy?

You can't make her happy OP, only she can do that. And one other piece of advice, do what makes you happy. Because if you're not happy then no one around you will be either. Sometimes it's ok to be a bit selfish.

~nop~

OP i have to say you sound totally lovely, but id ditch the girl. It really sounds like shes not cut out for marraige and i think youd be better off trying your luck elsewhere. I know its a cliche but find someone who deserves you ok

Dors1976

It could be that she doesn't know what is expected of the marriage and she's kind of running away from the expectations that she thinks you may have of her.
Also agree you need to stand up for yourself, hope the talk goes well.