Disfunctional Family

LegacyUser

This is sort of a long story, but I am going to try to be as brief as possible.

In short...I come from a seperated parents family background (then divorsed), father cheated on mother. Mother and I moved in to her parents house and she went a bit wild for about 10 years whereby she would go out a night and not come back for days, while I heard my grandparents freak out about her behaviour. During this time father moved away. My grandmother is also and has been for many decades a very bad alcoholic. Anyway my mother finally settled and married a guy 11 years younger than her and 9 years older than me. This is not really a massive issue, but sometimes I do believe his contributes to the problem. Him and I are very VERY different people. He comes from quite a rough background (my mother tends to go for these types), while I am the type that prefers not to drink and am working on my PhD in Uni at the moment. He is not always bad, but he doesn't like the fact that I'm so conservative. When they both drink, he can get angry and she always cries and cries and cries and tends to find problems and wallows all the time. A few years ago when I lived at home (now living with girlfriend), I tried to ask them to please stop their behavior. I mean they would practically kick in by bedroom door after a night out and insist I join them until they literally pass out or mom is crying so much that my step father finally realises that its time to take her to bed. Hours and hours could pass with her crying and he would still be filling her with drink., and she'd take it. At one stage my stepfather pinned me against the wall by my neck and threatened to hit me. I told him to and to see where that would land him. He backed off. This time was extremely difficult and got only worse and I attempted suicide. They both snapped out of it for about 6 months and then returned to their old tricks after that.

Anyway last night my (only) younger brother was playing his second gig in his band. He is very tallented and has joined quite a reputable band for his age. My parents always go along to these gigs (even though the music is typically the likes of Slayer, Cradle of Filth, Sepultura etc, which I'm sure you'll agree woudln't be many parent's cup of tea). However I know it's for my younger brother they go. Last night his band were coming on later in the night, so there was a good 2.5 hours drinking beforehand. Myself and my girlfriend were not drinking (I was designated driver). By the time my brother came on, my mother had starting telling my girlfriend that she felt paranoid and that my brother was extremely nervous (even though he wasn't) and that she should go up and say something to him. My girlfriend and I insisted that she stay put and that she would only make him nervous saying such a thing. About 2 songs in to the set, she broke down crying and started digging up everything and anything to cry about (like she always does after a few drinks). She really started to make a scene. Thankfully the band were so loud that only people in close proximity to us noticed her, but my brother could see her while he was playing. My aunt who lived near the venue came down and said to my mother to "cop on" and that "that was her son up there and she is not doing any good by crying and turning the night in to a bad one". At this stage we all started to ignore her, eventhough she would grab my girlfriend's arm every now and again and try and come out with something really profound as an excuse for her crying, and try to get attention from my girlfriend.

Earlier yesterday I was feeling quite ill, was and still am running a temperature. So last night I decided that I was leaving as soon as my brother finished and since he wasn't drinking either I was going to offer him a lift as soon as he could leave. So earlier in the night I told my mother that I was not well and wanted to leave as soon as the gig was over. She said that herself and my stepfather would stay on for another drink and to go ahead. So when the gig was over I asked my brother did he want to leave with me and he said definately. Another member of the band also asked for a lift so I said yes because considering my parents were staying behind there was now room in the car. As we were about to leave my parents changed their mind and said they were coming with me. I told them there had been a change of plan and that there would be no room now, and to get a cab like they had decided to do. With them being so intoxicated, my mother balling her eyes out, me feeling unwell, the car overcrowded, at 2am over near Christmas I knew I was looking for trouble if stopped at a garda checkpoint. So I told them so and my stepfather (who doesn't drive) said he would pay the fine and to chillout. I told him it's not just the fine, that I didn't want any undeserved penalty points on my license. Because I know if I was pulled over at a checkpoint and he was in the car, he would most certainly get out of the car and try to reason with the cop in his state.

At this stage I was starting to get annoyed because my younger brother was getting embarrased in front of the other band members as my mother and step father kept harrassing them to keep playing. In the end I turned around to both of them and said "stop crying mom", " you know you have no reason to be crying, and it's just the drink". My stepfather interjected and said "It's not the drink" in his drunken state. I repeated "it is the drink and you know it". He lost the head and shouted "I am sick of his ****!", reffering to me. He did this so loudly many people stopped and looked over. He then said "Do you know what, go on, leave without us, we don't want a ****ing lift". So I did exactly that.

On the drive home they rang my phone twice. My girlfriend answered the phone and my mother asked "had we left", even though she saw us get in to the car and drive off (this is how drunk we are talking about). My girlfriend just offered to call them a cab and my mother said it was alright, that they would make their own way home.

So now here I am, nearly 5:30pm the next day and not a single phone call from them to appologise for their behaviour. I don't expect one either, because their attitude is that I am no fun and that I abandoned them. I know the next time we speak they will say this and be all angry.

My girlfriend and I believe that I was perfectly in the right and that I should not accept their behavior. I no longer live under their roof (although I had planned on going back to their for Christmas day), yet they because I put up with their behaviour and they socialise with people just like them, they think that we are the ones in the wrong.

In summary I think that they were being selfish and immature, and did no good for my brother, my girlfriend, me or themselves. They were the loudest people in there last night. I mean there was a raffle during the night for charity and every time someone else won a prize my stepfather shouted "ya ****er!" at the person who won, so everyone could hear. These people are strangers to him, and eventhough they laughed along, I'm sure they didn't want to be called that.

Sorry for turning this in to a long one, but what would you do if you were in my shoes. Considering the time of year, what do you think is the best way to tackle this, it's been sort of a lingering problem for about 10 years now that has never really been addressed (but I am ready to do so now)?

slumped

disfunctional wrote:

This is sort of a long story, but I am going to try to be as brief as possible.

In short...I come from a seperated parents family background (then divorsed), father cheated on mother. Mother and I moved in to her parents house and she went a bit wild for about 10 years whereby she would go out a night and not come back for days, while I heard my grandparents freak out about her behaviour. During this time father moved away. My grandmother is also and has been for many decades a very bad alcoholic. Anyway my mother finally settled and married a guy 11 years younger than her and 9 years older than me. This is not really a massive issue, but sometimes I do believe his contributes to the problem. Him and I are very VERY different people. He comes from quite a rough background (my mother tends to go for these types), while I am the type that prefers not to drink and am working on my PhD in Uni at the moment. He is not always bad, but he doesn't like the fact that I'm so conservative. When they both drink, he can get angry and she always cries and cries and cries and tends to find problems and wallows all the time. A few years ago when I lived at home (now living with girlfriend), I tried to ask them to please stop their behavior. I mean they would practically kick in by bedroom door after a night out and insist I join them until they literally pass out or mom is crying so much that my step father finally realises that its time to take her to bed. Hours and hours could pass with her crying and he would still be filling her with drink., and she'd take it. At one stage my stepfather pinned me against the wall by my neck and threatened to hit me. I told him to and to see where that would land him. He backed off. This time was extremely difficult and got only worse and I attempted suicide. They both snapped out of it for about 6 months and then returned to their old tricks after that.

Anyway last night my (only) younger brother was playing his second gig in his band. He is very tallented and has joined quite a reputable band for his age. My parents always go along to these gigs (even though the music is typically the likes of Slayer, Cradle of Filth, Sepultura etc, which I'm sure you'll agree woudln't be many parent's cup of tea). However I know it's for my younger brother they go. Last night his band were coming on later in the night, so there was a good 2.5 hours drinking beforehand. Myself and my girlfriend were not drinking (I was designated driver). By the time my brother came on, my mother had starting telling my girlfriend that she felt paranoid and that my brother was extremely nervous (even though he wasn't) and that she should go up and say something to him. My girlfriend and I insisted that she stay put and that she would only make him nervous saying such a thing. About 2 songs in to the set, she broke down crying and started digging up everything and anything to cry about (like she always does after a few drinks). She really started to make a scene. Thankfully the band were so loud that only people in close proximity to us noticed her, but my brother could see her while he was playing. My aunt who lived near the venue came down and said to my mother to "cop on" and that "that was her son up there and she is not doing any good by crying and turning the night in to a bad one". At this stage we all started to ignore her, eventhough she would grab my girlfriend's arm every now and again and try and come out with something really profound as an excuse for her crying, and try to get attention from my girlfriend.

Earlier yesterday I was feeling quite ill, was and still am running a temperature. So last night I decided that I was leaving as soon as my brother finished and since he wasn't drinking either I was going to offer him a lift as soon as he could leave. So earlier in the night I told my mother that I was not well and wanted to leave as soon as the gig was over. She said that herself and my stepfather would stay on for another drink and to go ahead. So when the gig was over I asked my brother did he want to leave with me and he said definately. Another member of the band also asked for a lift so I said yes because considering my parents were staying behind there was now room in the car. As we were about to leave my parents changed their mind and said they were coming with me. I told them there had been a change of plan and that there would be no room now, and to get a cab like they had decided to do. With them being so intoxicated, my mother balling her eyes out, me feeling unwell, the car overcrowded, at 2am over near Christmas I knew I was looking for trouble if stopped at a garda checkpoint. So I told them so and my stepfather (who doesn't drive) said he would pay the fine and to chillout. I told him it's not just the fine, that I didn't want any undeserved penalty points on my license. Because I know if I was pulled over at a checkpoint and he was in the car, he would most certainly get out of the car and try to reason with the cop in his state.

At this stage I was starting to get annoyed because my younger brother was getting embarrased in front of the other band members as my mother and step father kept harrassing them to keep playing. In the end I turned around to both of them and said "stop crying mom", " you know you have no reason to be crying, and it's just the drink". My stepfather interjected and said "It's not the drink" in his drunken state. I repeated "it is the drink and you know it". He lost the head and shouted "I am sick of his ****!", reffering to me. He did this so loudly many people stopped and looked over. He then said "Do you know what, go on, leave without us, we don't want a ****ing lift". So I did exactly that.

On the drive home they rang my phone twice. My girlfriend answered the phone and my mother asked "had we left", even though she saw us get in to the car and drive off (this is how drunk we are talking about). My girlfriend just offered to call them a cab and my mother said it was alright, that they would make their own way home.

So now here I am, nearly 5:30pm the next day and not a single phone call from them to appologise for their behaviour. I don't expect one either, because their attitude is that I am no fun and that I abandoned them. I know the next time we speak they will say this and be all angry.

My girlfriend and I believe that I was perfectly in the right and that I should not accept their behavior. I no longer live under their roof (although I had planned on going back to their for Christmas day), yet they because I put up with their behaviour and they socialise with people just like them, they think that we are the ones in the wrong.

In summary I think that they were being selfish and immature, and did no good for my brother, my girlfriend, me or themselves. They were the loudest people in there last night. I mean there was a raffle during the night for charity and every time someone else won a prize my stepfather shouted "ya ****er!" at the person who won, so everyone could hear. These people are strangers to him, and eventhough they laughed along, I'm sure they didn't want to be called that.

Sorry for turning this in to a long one, but what would you do if you were in my shoes. Considering the time of year, what do you think is the best way to tackle this, it's been sort of a lingering problem for about 10 years now that has never really been addressed (but I am ready to do so now)?

is christmas really the BEST time to deal with this??

TempestSabre

Put distance between you. Live your own life.

Catari Jaguar

Oh god, that sounds horrible. Glad you got out of there. Does your little brother still live there? I would agree to distance yourself. Chances are they haven't apologised cos they don't remember. I think going there for Christmas would ruin Christmas for you if that's how they carry on. Have it with your bro and girlf. Maybe if your mam sees her behaviour is driving her family away she might cop on (a little bit...)

LegacyUser

slumped wrote:

is christmas really the BEST time to deal with this??

I didn't have much choice. I mean I could go back and appologise for "abandoning" them, if it could be really called that. But to be honest I know it would only tell them that "I realised that I was in the wrong", when I clearly think they were being selfish and immature.

They haven't called me all day, which is unusual for my mother. So to be honest distance is what I'm going to do. I will talk to them if they call, but I will tell them that I am annoyed at them, as soon as they fly off the handle telling me I'm not right.

As many people would say. If you take a sample of 100 people at a social outing, and put me at one end of the room and them at the other, it is true that I would get on with the general populace much better. My stepfather would insult someone and when they retaliate he would regard them as snobs for not putting up with him. He has a complex and a ship on both shoulders.

As for when I do talk to them, I'm not sure what the best course of action is, or what I should say, how I should say it?

Can anyone relate, or offer any more advice?

My bro lives at home, he's only 19. I worry for him, but he's a closed book for the most part. I know their behaviour is having an effect on him, but he distances himself and says very little. My girlfriend is going back to her own family home this Christmas, so if I don't go home, I have no choice but to spend Christmas day on my own in my apartment.

LegacyUser

Sorry about your family - I've been in a very similar situation and so have many others unfortunately...

It took me years to figure out that NOTHING will change them but them - and I wasted a lot of time hoping for a magic solution. The best thing to do for yourself is to keep your distance, look out for your younger brother and try not to get drawn in by games and emotional manipulations. It sounds very harsh and is a LOT easier said than done, but it gets better over time.

Make yourself and your girlfriend your number 1 priority. Your mother and stepfather are not your responsibility...

Talliesin

I cut my dad out of my life for much less.

LegacyUser

Alias girl wrote:

Sorry about your family - I've been in a very similar situation and so have many others unfortunately...

It took me years to figure out that NOTHING will change them but them - and I wasted a lot of time hoping for a magic solution. The best thing to do for yourself is to keep your distance, look out for your younger brother and try not to get drawn in by games and emotional manipulations. It sounds very harsh and is a LOT easier said than done, but it gets better over time.

Make yourself and your girlfriend your number 1 priority. Your mother and stepfather are not your responsibility...

I agree with Alias Girl.

No matter how hard you try you can't change how someone is. I spent years trying to put my values on my parents, without success, only they can change themselve (if they want to). At christmas things always get magnified.

Keep your distance is the best solution, you don't have to cut yourself off completely. Just don't be there all the time, you're not a crutch for your parents. They have to take responsibility for themselves. When drink is involved all rationale goes out the window, so there is no reasoning.

Have you spoken to your brother about the situation? What are his feelings? Would he go to you for Christmas day?

Keep your chin up.

the_syco

disfunctional wrote:

Sorry for turning this in to a long one, but what would you do if you were in my shoes. Considering the time of year, what do you think is the best way to tackle this, it's been sort of a lingering problem for about 10 years now that has never really been addressed (but I am ready to do so now)?

Go to your gf's house for the xmas dinner. Maybe invite the bro over for a night. Let him chill and unwind. Let him know that you went through what he went through, etc.

LegacyUser

'Thanks everyone for the replies so far, I REALLY appreciate it.

"Go to your gf's house for the xmas dinner"

I couldn't just invite myself to my girlfriend's parents house for Christmas dinner. They are very private people and such a disruption to their tradition would not be very welcome I'm sure.

As for inviting my brother over for a night, I've offered again and again for my brother to stay with me, but he always declines unless he absolutely has to. This is his choice and his way of dealing with it, I can't force him to do what I sometimes think is best. He knows my place is somewhere else for him to stay though and my girlfriend has no problem with this either.

I spent about an hour discussing this with my girlfriend today and she thinks I should go over to my parents house soon. Just go in and act normal. If they give me crap, then tell them that I am not happy with the way they behaved and I didn't owe them anything. That they are adults and capable of getting cab home by themselves. That I shouldn't have to put up with them, although I can't change them, and if I choose to leave without them I am perfectly within my right to do so.

My parents for a long time have made me feel like I owe them a lot. My girlfriend has opened my eyes to this and made me realise that they have done bugger all for me all my life other than the legal requirements and be a cause of stress for me. Actually in an earlier post I said that I my stepfather resented me somewhat for being conservative. My girlfriend corrected me today and said I'm not overly conservative, I'm just civil and a nice guy and that my stepfather and mother are wild and actively seek chaos, so it's all relative I guess.

I mean having said all of this it would be easy to just cut ties and be my own man and forget about them, but as Alias girl said "a LOT easier said than done". The fact of the matter is I don't need my parents, but I do want them. This is why I don't just cut them out for good. I'm at a stage in my life where my only friends and I have sort of drifted apart as they get in to relationships and have their own priorities (as people do) and I have my girlfriend and this. If god forbid anything was to seperate myself and my girlfriend then I would be alone. Right now that thought terrifies me, which only causes a greater dependency on my girlfriend which is NOT good.

She cried today saying that "they have taken me for granted and don't realise that any crap in our relationship is not my fault and that I didn't cause any of it". I mean for me to acknowledge these things is a big deal, because I've been so used to putting up with them, to the extent that I didn't conciously realise I was making the decision to do so (if that makes any sense).

I am for the first time about to take a "you can't harm me" approach to my parents. This on the ground level will involve me deciding to just walk away from them (in mid conversation if needs me) if I don't like what is happening, go out, get in my car and drive away. If they raise their voice to me, tell them that I deem that unacceptable and will not continue to be around them while they continue to do so. Where as before I would have just lost the head back at them, fought the battle their way and probably say things I shouldn't have in anger and regretted it and appologised later. Instead I am just going to distance myself if something bothers me. As my girlfriend says, "they should feel privileged that their son wants to be around them, and not take me for granted".

What do think of my plan of action, would you make any changes/suggestions?'

kindle

Sorry to hear that you are having such problems with your family

TBH you can only control your reaction to their behaviour and not their behaviour. Of course its a lot easier said than done to walk away from your family, but to me and this is just my opinion you need to decide whats acceptable for you and how much your prepared to put up with. This can help prevent you from sliding back into old familiar roles within the family. This is not a easy task i know......

You said you dont want to be overly dependent on your gf and well done for realising that now when you can do something about that. Families are a basic support network but no-one said you had to be related to someone for them to be part of your "family"

Anyway just my 2cents worth.. hope whatever you decide to do that you have a nice christmas and all the best with the family stuff

k

5uspect

Surely if your girlfriend knew you would be spending christmas alone she would invite you to her place. She really seems to care about you, you're not alone in this.

LegacyUser

Don't be too hard on yourself... Sounds like you've come a very long way on your own already given what was probably a very difficult lonely childhood. It's one thing making an intellectual decision to detach, yet another for a lifetime's habits to be broken. It takes time and effort.

Personally, the main benefit to leaving all that chaos behind was that it seemed to make room for new people to come into my life. There are a lot of fantastic "grown-up" people to meet who have positive things to offer.

Was just reminded of that quote by someone v clever about how
"what you're most afraid of has already happened".... Mull on that one!

Best of luck

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I'd put a LOT of distance between your family & yourself - with the exception of your poor brother.

Your parents aren't acting as parents & they certainly aren't making any effort to change & be worthwhile parents. I think the time of year is irrellevant - if you are getting verbal or physical abuse then get out & stay out until they get the help they obviously need. You can't live your life listening to their problems while swallowing all the anger & resentment they are too weak to direct at themselves. I don't think it is always in our best interests to stay in close contact with families or parents that we have very negative relationships with. Do you have extended family you can get in contact with? I know you think any kind of relationship has to be better than none - but that really isn't the case. If any relationship is doing you harm then you owe it to yourself to aviod it as much as possible until things improve.

If you did tell your mother & step-father exactly what you thought of them & that you didn't want to see them again until they started behaving towards you with some degree of decorum & maturity - what would their reaction be? Would that be better than puting up with their sh!t every time you see them & having to be the parent to them?

Best of luck