little job problem

insane drummer

right heres the deal, background info first i suppose, im a 17 year old lad, going out with a 17 year old girl, were perfect together and always get on well, im in 6th year and shes in 5th, going out 5 months now

heres what im seeking advice on. she got a job in a local restaurant as a waitress, usual waitress things,. i don't, and never though it was a good idea to have a job in 5th or 6th year due to the stress of the lc and the added work, and she knew this the whole time we've known each other for nearly 2 years. she agreed with me, kinda might i add, until she got the offer through her mothers friend. she accepted straight out with out even asking me if i was ok with it, and when she realized it was a bad idea still went on with it. i decided to give her the benefit of the doubt with it, and stuck by her. but i miss her so much, see her two nights during the week for about 2 hours, and 5rm about 7 on sat and Sundays, till about one in the morning, during which time she sleeps, having worked all day saturday and Sunday, shes recked. the problem is, we've gone from seeing each other all day every day, as in on saturday and Sundays 9 in the morning till 1 at night, to a few hours. i know the amount i see her now is a lot more than some couples get to see each other, but i miss her so much, and ive told her, we've both ended up in tears over it. its getting to me so much. obviously she noticed and we talked about it, the 1st time i told her she just cried so much, the second, when she reaised it was still at me, the next day, she got angry at me when we talked about it. a week and a half later, its still at me. ALOT. so, since its still at me, should i tlk 2 her again, even though she might get mad or upset?

any advice would be nice, thanks in advace:)

optiplexgx270

Well shes only in 5th year I worked all 5th year and didnt have a problem. Besides you wont feel it so much after xmas as you will start to stress more and more over the exams. It will be you not having time for her.... I wouldnt worry SO much as its only for the next 6 months and if ye get on so well etc. you will last it out .... its not a lifetime. Making her feel guilt wont help at all either.

joebhoy1916

Well IMO yer still very young but seen each other the whole time sometime's isnt really a great idea, it's good to spend time apart.

Well too be onest have to give here credit she is out working her ass off if you know what I mean ah no only joking, she's out working that's the working world we all got to do it. You shouldn't hassle her about her job anu sign she will leave when she goes into 6th year?

Your girlfriend is still young so they might want her to work alot nkow alot of people that age and there all been asked to work christmas day or new years eve it's just taking the mick but once again this is the working world.

If she is happy working leave her at it will make the time you have together more special.

insane drummer

no no this is the thing, she even said, talking about work she cant look me in the eye, because she knows that its getting to me just by how i react with it, even though i try to be accepting of it and supportive, she knows just how much its getting 2 me, even if i don't say anything and she actually said that to me. as far as the hours go, tomorrow shes working 8 until seven, and 23rd and xmas eve working 8 till 7 and 8 till 5, then x mas off, and then back into work. day dont care that shes a student, and because its just a weekend job, tecnicaly she could work 14/15 hours both days, accept there not open that long. she hates it herself, and has been crying over how we don't see each other anymore. so its not like its just me. i just don't know what to say to her about it anymore, she askers me what i think of sumting got to do with work and if i tell the truth shell get upset or angry, and im not going to lie to her, i just duno what to do tbh,

optiplexgx270

Well to be honest i think you will just have to genuinely get over it and support her honnestly. I dont mean that in a blunt way but you will have to as stated just make the most of the time you have together during this limited period. If she really didn't like it she would quit. I suspect she doesn't like it because of the way it's effecting yourself. If the pair of you can't manage through this minor bump in the long haul your in trouble. Maybe she could change her hours to a few hours twice a week and 1 weekend day?

insane drummer

optiplexgx270 wrote:

Maybe she could change her hours to a few hours twice a week and 1 weekend day?

no couldnt do that, it closes at 6 and shes just finished school then. well, thanks for the advice! ill give it the best try i can! chears for the advice!

Merry Christmas!:D

optiplexgx270

Same to the pair of ye.

Lorax

insane drummer wrote:

until she got the offer through her mothers friend. she accepted straight out with out even asking me if i was ok with it

Emmmm shes 17 and free to make her own decisions.. you dont own her like.

BeardyGit

What's wrong with you? Just get on with your studying while she's at work. Well, you said you didn't want a job because of the pressure of the leaving cert, didn't you?

Your problem mate is that you want her to think and behave just like you want, to work to your timetable instead of hers, and anything that strays from that pushes all the wrong buttons with you.

Fair play to her I say. She's still got a year longer than you left to the leaving and if she wants to work, I see no problem with it. And if you're really as controlling as you sound, maybe the 'time off' from you will do her good.

Why don't you get your head down in your books and show her you're not a needy control freak? Do some work for the leaving instead of getting wound up over something that you rightly have absolutely NO say over. You're not her keeper, her parent, her boss......And if you keep pushing this, you'll be nothing but an ex.....

I had a few friends like your girlfriend - Not one of them kept a boyfriend who hassled them over working part time. Not one. You've been warned.

Good luck,

Gil

kittenkiller

You'll be spending more and more time studying coming up to the mocks and the big exams in the summer.
Leave her be.
It's great to be earning your own money at your age and it's a nice break from the school/school/school atmosphere everyday.

You'll survive seeing her less and then she'll have some money to do nice things with you to take your mind off your studies every now and then.

Chill man!


Ps. Telling her what to do and what not to do and assuming that she will take on your values and ideals and not taking into consideration that situations change is not healthy or good for a relationship (especially one that isn't in the 1950's).

insane drummer

Gil_Dub wrote:

Your problem mate is that you want her to think and behave just like you want, to work to your timetable instead of hers, and anything that strays from that pushes all the wrong buttons with you.
Why don't you get your head down in your books and show her you're not a needy control freak? Do some work for the leaving instead of getting wound up over something that you rightly have absolutely NO say over. You're not her keeper, her parent, her boss......And if you keep pushing this, you'll be nothing but an ex.....

Gil

how do u know that im a needy control freak? im not telling her to quit, or even to think about it at all, my question was, should i talk to her about how im feeling, ie: not great, not to tell her to stop working because i don't like it! i would never ask her do something like that, just for me. i never said that i was asking her to quit and just stay with me. all i said was i miss her, and that when i talked to her about it, she got upset and angry, and now that shes beginning to notice that im trying to cover it up again, i was asking should i talk to her again about it or what! so don't think i was trying to get her to quit.

Talliesin

insane drummer wrote:

she accepted straight out with out even asking me if i was ok with it

You don't live together. You don't have shared bills which leads to your finances affecting each other's. You don't have kids whose care has to be shared between the two of you along with whatever professionals are involved in looking after your children. She isn't going abroad to work. She isn't doing a job which you consider to be inherently unethical (e.g. if you were a militant vegetarian and she got a job on the kill-floor of an arbitoir).

If any of the above were true then the increased degree of how much you were sharing your lives with each other would give you some expectation that she would discuss matters like that with you. You don't, you're kids who've been going out with each other for 5 months.

You've no right to expect her to check anything in this regard with you.

Sure I wouldn't take a job that affected by schedule without consulting with my partner, but we live together and share expenses. For that matter I might also discuss it with my ex if it was going to affect when I could be with my kids. I'm in a position where the effects of such choices on my part has a much stronger effect upon others and a responsibility to those others comes with it. Your girlfriend is not.

insane drummer wrote:

the problem is, we've gone from seeing each other all day every day, as in on saturday and Sundays 9 in the morning till 1 at night, to a few hours.

You've got a lot of work coming up soon which would also greatly affect the amount of time you can spend with her. Her having a job could well have saved you from spending that time with her when you should really have been studying. You know it would have been a temptation, and it could have been a strain on your relationship if you were looking to spend time studying and she, while realising ultimately that you did need to study, was looking for you to spend that time with her.

You've now got a regular block of time where she can't be with you that you can use to turn your attention to other things that need attention.

The fact that you are a relatively new couple has two effects on this. As well as meaning that you aren't in a position of as much responsibility to each other as you would be if you were sharing your lives to a greater extent, as mentioned above, it also means that there's a natural tendency to put off things that need to be done to spend time with each other as well.

It's lovely to be at the point in a relationship where you look at your schedule and expenses and put aside everything that could be put aside to spend as much time and money on each other as possible. However, this has to end at some point or all the things you are putting aside catches up on you and you also never do anything with your friends and the other people in your life which is important to do for a balanced emotional life.

The effect of this is less at your age, when finances tend to be simpler (at the very least they tend to be based more on matters that are not in your control) and there are less things that it's up to you to schedule. However the time you will have to spend studying is a very important example of the latter.

insane drummer wrote:

how do u know that im a needy control freak? im not telling her to quit, or even to think about it at all,

You did imply an expectation that you should have a say in the matter.

insane drummer wrote:

i was asking should i talk to her again about it or what! so don't think i was trying to get her to quit.

Tell her how you feel, but make it balanced.

Sure, tell her you'd rather have more time with her, because she's special to you so of course you would. But include also that you can see reasons for her taking the job and that you're going to be busy yourself soon.

That makes the difference between "not everything in life is perfect, and we have to deal with that, but we don't have to like it" and whining about how something she did affects you negatively.

The Walsho

No arguing with what Talliesin said. He's right.

K_P

Sounds like she already knows how you feel about it. It sounds like you haven't been too supportive of her and this is making her feel pressured, hence the crying.

You're both at an age where things are going to be changing hugely in both your lives over the next few years. If you can't handle her having a part-time job, you're gonna have trouble staying together when it comes to college, full time jobs, one of you wanting to go travelling, etc.

You might not agree with her decision on taking this job, but it's her decision and the best thing you can do is support her and make the most of the time you have together.

Hope it works out for you.

Catari Jaguar

I think the amount you were seeing each other before hand was unhealthy.
Living in each other's pockets like that prob meant you didn't have much hobbies/ socialising outside of her yes? Now she's gone, so is your entertainment. You still see her for a lot more than a lot of couples. Get a life of your own. Study, see your friends. Stop obsessing. When you do see her you'll appreciate the time you have together and it'll be more special. Don't ruin it, making her cry and such. :rolleyes:

And no, don't mention it again. You already did. What's the point?? Keep at her til she quits? Or dumps you?

Fekn teen angst.

Black Swan

If you truly love her and are planning on being with her for the long run, then you should support her in her work and not pressure her anymore? Plus you will need time for exams in your 6th year?

carryboy

Ain't you proud she's doing a great job (studying and doing the part time job) at the same time? I understand you miss her a lot but bringing the subject up each time you see her will only add more pain to the situation. don't be selfish ok?;)

tinkerbell

insane drummer wrote:

she accepted straight out with out even asking me if i was ok with it, and when she realized it was a bad idea still went on with it. i decided to give her the benefit of the doubt with it, and stuck by her.

She doesn't need to ask your permission to accept a job?! Why should she? You really need to just get over it. Stop whining and just let her get on with things. She probably doesn't enjoy being exhausted from working and studying but she obviously needs to do it to make a bit of money. Jees, god help you when you actually go out and need to get a real job, then you'll see how much time you get to see each other.

Lust4Life

Don't you feel yo are being a bit selfish?
If you really love her, allow her time and space to grow.
Be realistic about this. If you really care about each other, you will make time to be together when you can.

Stabshauptmann

You are being needy and short sighted.

You spend too much time together, you're dictating the terms of the relationship.

You now spend 4 evenings a week with her. Thats plenty. If you continued at the rate you were going it would become a strain on your relationship for one and it would greatly affect your LC results.

Whether or not she got a job is none of your business, stop presurising the girl. From reading your post you sound like a muppet whos watched too much american TV.

insane drummer

in fear of sounding like im changing what i asked just to make me seam like im not being selfish, i don't acutely want her to quit, i am proud of her yea, and i do understand that shes her own person, that she can do it if she wants to. when i said she didn't even ask me, i meant that we usually ask each other if about anything before we do it, even small things, but im not goin out tellin her how i feel, even when i try act cool with it, untill i get used to it, (thanks to all your comments i know im gonna have to do that now) she still knows im upset about something and keeps asking, i just wanted to know should i keep it coverd over or not! thanks 4 the advice, its really helped to put things into perspective!

btw merry xmas!:D

Mighty_Mouse

she accepted straight out with out even asking me if i was ok with it,

Wtf!!!!

You're not her keeper mate.

Advice: grow up.

People work, welcome to the real world. And take it easy a bit. Your very very young to be wanting to spend every second of every day with your gf.

You talk about the problems if pressure in 5th and 6th year but then reduce your gf to tears stressing her out about the fact that she works!!!

Step back and look at yourself man.

spurious

Perhaps you used poor phrases, but your post gave me the creeps.

I have known too many women who were with men (older than you admittedly, but I suppose they all started somewhere) who had notions that women in relationship with them needed to 'run things by' them for approval.

Be happy that she is happy and currently choosing to be with you.

callmealan

I'm afraid in my opinion it is almost unhealthy to see each other all of the time! whilst she is working why not try to start a hobby or do something you enjoy. If things go wrong in the relationship you won't be too lost cause you have a hobby.

Some people are not suited for education as well, it is her life and she has prioritiesed in having a job. What you are saying to her is a bit selfish and that you want to see more of her and trying to influence her life to do what you want. That is the wrong reason to talk to her. She has made this decision and respect her for it. True love is doing what is best for her not yourself!

Happy xmas!

LegacyUser

'hey. ya im 16 an with a guy (17). I used see him everyday at school but never on the weekends because he works and lives far away ( we go to a boarding school). To be honest seeing each other all day everyday at school started to get to me, i felt i never got any time on my own or with just my girlfriends, we sorted it out wen i tlked to him an now we arnt together the whole time/ She maybe feeling the same and thats why she got this job so she can have a bit of time on her own. I think you should talk to her again (but try not to piss her off like just say you know your bringing it up again and its probably annoying her but yo u want her to know how you feel), whatever you do dont make her think u want her to quit her job as that will make her really angry and make you sound really controlling.'