Best friend blues

LegacyUser

I dunno where to start with this, I was really mad into this guy, which my best friend knew. We are best friends since we are 9. One night I was at a party and she was flirting outragiously with him, I got quite upset and stormed off, I was spent the evening crying on another friends shoulder about it. She knew I was annoyed at her but never once mentioned it. After this she was always pushing me to let him know how I felt, after time I had done something completely out of charcter and slept with him myself. Before it happened she was saying to me, go for it sure you really like him. Instantly afterwards I regretted it. I felt sick for weeks about it.

A couple of weeks later, some one let it slip that she had slept with him. I figured it out while I was crying about her flirting with him, she was in the room next door sleeping with him. I confronted her and she denied it to the ground. Of course I felt extremely guilty about believing what I had been told, after all shes my best friend, we are extremely close. But the more I thought about it and after speaking to the guy in question i didnt believe her. I didnt mention it but I knew she realised I didnt believe her. She eventually came clean, and because of the friendship we have and the fact that if I had of gone the I want nothing to do with you route I would be splitting my group of friends in a really awkward way. We would never be able to go out together as a whole and the time when I wasnt speaking to her, this is just what happened.

Now its nearly a year later and I still cant get it out of my head. The fact she would do this to me, knowing it would completely devestate me. She is a me feiner big time, and has done the dirt numerous times on all her boyfriends. I dont know what to do. Everything she does is irritating me, but I do still have the craic with her. I dont feel like I can mention it to her cause I did once and it caused murder in our social circle. We also live in a very small village and I will have to see her, as it is I bump into her twice a week unplanned.

I thought time would heal it, but thats obviously now working. Im upset because of what she did and the fact she lied to me and made me look a fool.

Talliesin

So. She's flirting with someone that you have no relationship or other involvement with.

You get upset about this and rather than reacting by avoiding you due in case you react irrationally to something else she does with someone else she rather selflessly tries to help you by encouraging you to get together with him.

This goes badly, as is always a risk when you make a move on anyone, but that's hardly her fault and she did her bit as a friend by encouraging you to take a risk on something you wanted.

So it's hardly surprising that she figured that when you found out she'd slept with the guy back before you'd made any move, and hence when it was none of your business, that you'd be stupidly jealous about that too. And indeed she was right. So she decided to lie to you to protect you from your own neurotic self.

TBH, it sounds from what you say that she deserves much better in her friends than this.

free2fly

I have to admit OP that I was thinking exactly the same things as Talliesin.

Doctor DooM

Im afraid they previous posters have hit it on the head...


Also, you should comsider that if she is annoying you constantly, and she thinks only of herself, why are you hanging around with her?

LegacyUser

Have to agree with Talliesin here OP. I'd be upset with the guy and not my best friend if I was in your position.

lagunababe

ok so she knew u liked the guy and going off with him was unfair and then encouraging you to go with him was even more unfair.

but the guy isnt yours. he didnt know how u felt and maybe she didnt think you were planning on telling him anytime soon. Maybe she liked him too and didnt want to say it to you cos u already sed u were mad into him.

anyway what i wanted to say is u shud never let a guy come between u and ur friends. Especially a best friend of a number of years.

the guy doesnt seem like the nicest of guys to go with your friend and then with you . . . so dont load the whole blame on her.

i do see where you're coming from but just try to forgive and forget!

Black Swan

A love triangle! They are deadly to friendships. Seems that both you and your friend got caught up in one? He is not innocent either, it would seem? If you want to keep the friendship, forget he ever existed and repair the bridge with your friend. In the long run, looking back, it will not appear as large an obstacle as it does now.

Mighty_Mouse

Point 1: Take a rule from the "boys" rule book and never let a woman come between friendship.

Point 2: The whole scenario where a person is off-limits because you fancy them is a joke. (unless she messed up the chances of a serious relationship happening which I dont think: ie he didnt chase after to you afterwards)

Reminds me of that nut-bag model "sophie something" that was on love island.

Advice: Get over it or you'll find it quite difficult to maintain a relationship with any women from now on.

dr.bollocko

I have to agree with some of the above. You know this sort of thing has three different sides to it. And you, of course, its not your fault, are giving your perspective on the situation. But you have to get some empathy. Try and see it from her point of view too. Did you call "dibs" on the guy or something? I mean she slept with a guy that you found hot. Im sure she found him hot too. Then you slept with him (or at least I think that thats what you said in the OP), even though you know that she liked him too because of the outrageous flirting that they were doing. Was this out of character jump into bed with this guy motivated by the fact that he was so hot you couldnt help yourself? Or was it motivated by the fact that you wanted in some way to "mark your territory" before this girl got to him?
Either way, forget that douchey douche bag, forgive your friend and get on with it. (And just imagine the Personal issues post that she might post about this situation and you will begin to see that she is still the good friend you knew, and not some maniacal tyrannical bitch with her claws in your man.)

Sam Vimes

Same_88 wrote:

Have to agree with Talliesin here OP. I'd be upset with the guy and not my best friend if I was in your position.

what did the guy do wrong exactly?

Cake Fiend

On the one hand: bros before hoes (what's the female equivalent?).
On the other hand: you don't own him.

Talliesin

Same_88 wrote:

Have to agree with Talliesin here OP. I'd be upset with the guy and not my best friend if I was in your position.

Nothing in what's said so far indicates he's to blame for anything either.

LegacyUser

'Oh I'm not suggesting he's done anything wrong, I'm just suggesting the real reason she might be upset is the fact that he got with her friend first instead of her, if that makes any sense...'

LegacyUser

'Ok Im upset because she listened to me for months everyday talking about him, how crazy I was about him. I was on the verge of falling in love with this guy and she was aware of this. She is my best freind. As far as Im aware, best friends dont do this kind of thing? I'd never dream of doing this to anyone. I just feel like she betrayed me. She never showed a slight interest in this guy before. There is nothing more I want to do than forgive her. Believe me, Im not upset that she got him first, believe me thats not it, my skin crawls when I see him now.

I always said I would never let a"mister come between me and my sisters" and thats what Im trying to do! I am really trying to forgive her!'

Calina

Mess.

I strongly distrust the term "best friend" because I don't really know any more what it means. Is it some one you can trust to the end of the world or what? I had a best friend and I walked out on her after three very difficult months following a story with a fairly similar theme of Girl Meets Boy, Girl falls in love with Boy, girl's best friend likewise falls in love with boy and makes moves on boy. Subsequent fall out.

You say that you didn't do the "I never want to see you again" tantrum out of consideration for a lot of other people's feelings plus some practical considerations and the person it looks like you forgot to consider is you. You have feelings too and you have an opinion about what a best friend does or is and by the sounds of things, it doesn't really match what your best friend sees as being best friend type qualities.

Ultimately - I don't want to make this long and drawn out - you're missing the real points. The issue for me when I went down the road was not so much that my best friend got interested in some guy I had started seeing/had long been interested in - hell that happens as a matter of course sometimes - but that she lied about it. Lied and manipulated me and the guy in question and it was the constant lying about what was a fairly serious issue in our friendship which wrecked my head. You talk about betrayal - well it's not great but with some will, it can be gotten over. But the will has to be there.

You say you're upset about her moving in on the guy, but personally, I think you have greater issues than that with the friendship judging by the other comments you have made about her since.

To be honest, I think you made an error in trying to cover things over a year ago - not necessarily for her sake but for your own. The fact that this is still eating you makes that kind of clear. Trouble is, there isn't a huge amount I think you can do about it at this stage because you didn't really deal with some key issues at the time. You didn't deal with differences between what you and your friend consider to be the boundaries between you. If you wanted to keep any sort of a functional relationship at all, you probably should have thrashed that out at the time. She also consistently lied to you. Some might say that was to avoid hurting you (as in, that was given to me as an excuse) but that could be a naive position to take - it's also something people do to avoid facing up to some responsibility for acting in a way that they knew would upset someone else, close.

The thing is, at this stage, most of the parties have probably moved on from a year ago, and that's a cold hard fact. Regardless of whether you want to forgive her or not, you have to move on from the event.

What it boils down to now is not whether you forgive her for moving in on some guy you like who may not even matter to either of you in six months to two years' time or whatever, but whether you think your model of friendship has enough in common with her model of friendship for you to move forward.

Personally I'd quit considering her your "best" friend - I have a lot of very close friends, whom I trust greatly for various reasons but I don't label anyone a best friend because occasionally, yes something will come along and upset an apple cart and the "best" label just makes it harder sometimes, adds to the pressure.

Realistically, I'd also ditch trying to forgive her for that transgression a year ago - you clearly can't, so your other option is just to live with it, end of. You don't still have to break up messily with her causing grief and consternation, but you can slowly move yourself out of her direct circle and become less close to her. This is a normal part of life and happens to a lot of friendships as people change and develop. If you've grown up differently and your values have become very disparate, it's almost very natural. Blinding yourself to that is a mistake.

Otherwise this is just going to eat you up and poison things between you and her and, possibly, other people as you could get a rep for being someone who never lets things go, for example.

Other than that, I don't know what advice you want.

Aoife-FM104

Firstly, why would you feel sick for weeks after having sex with someone? I hope you mean you got a STD, rather than having some outrageously large mental issues about having sex with someone.

This was one year ago. You are still upset over some trivial incident over some guy who probably doesn't give a **** about either of you.

Either your life is very empty, or you're emotionally a wreck. The fact that you spent the night crying on someones shoulder because your friend was flirting with some guy you liked is also a bad sign.

I strongly suggest you try to get your **** together. You will always have men problems if you maintain your current delicate emotional state.

Sorry if I'm being harsh. But you need to snap out of it.

Catari Jaguar

Cake Fiend wrote:

On the one hand: bros before hoes (what's the female equivalent?).

Hoes over bros.

You don't own him, you weren't seeing him. Did he even know you liked him? He obviously prefered her. Alls fair in love and war (obv is in her eyes)


You obviously have strong principles and her two-faced attitude let you down. You are still shocked at how people can behave in such a selfish manner yes? Well they do. Women are notorious manipulative back stabbers and bitches ESPECIALLY when it comes to men. You have to accept that some people ARE mé féiners. And sometimes you have to grow a thicker skin to get through life, or play dirty yourself. You cant judge them from your moral high horse. Let it go.

Boston

Unreg3685 wrote:

'Ok Im upset because she listened to me for months everyday talking about him, how crazy I was about him. I was on the verge of falling in love with this guy and she was aware of this. She is my best freind. As far as Im aware, best friends dont do this kind of thing? I'd never dream of doing this to anyone. I just feel like she betrayed me. She never showed a slight interest in this guy before. There is nothing more I want to do than forgive her. Believe me, Im not upset that she got him first, believe me thats not it, my skin crawls when I see him now.

I always said I would never let a"mister come between me and my sisters" and thats what Im trying to do! I am really trying to forgive her!'

Where do people get the idea they can put dibs on other people, sit on their hands and doing nothing except expect everyone else to back off? If you loved him so much why didn't you make a move.

Mighty_Mouse

Ok, just for future reference at what point do girls get to shout "MINE"!!! when meeting a bloke? Would be handy to know.

What if the emotionally-needy, husband-shopper, overly dramatic girl falls in love with you before you even get to know her?Does that mean whole gangs of girls are ruled out?

'Ok Im upset because she listened to me for months everyday talking about him, how crazy I was about him. I was on the verge of falling in love with this guy and she was aware of this.

Ah c'mon what nut-job falls "in love" with someone before even 1st date!!!

This is ridicoulous.

If it is true;;;; you need to ask yourself what benefit does your friend derive from your friendship?

Whats the point in having someone like this in their social circle? Because if you cant resolve your issues it might become pretty lonely over the next few years.

Boston

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Ah c'mon what nut-job falls "in love" with someone before even 1st date!!!

This is ridicoulous.

I've heard this described before, It's like this, Some women put men they don't know that well but find attractive, into little bubbles. They then attach qualities they desire in a man, to that person, slowly building a mental image of the guy in their mind, and falling in love with said guy, or at least obcess about him. Apparently it's very common.