Girlfriend and me the yes man

LegacyUser

Hey guys, first things first I would like to thank anyone who has any views on this

Around this time last year I had a very bad breakup with my then Girlfriend (I walked into her haveing a foursome with 3 of my best friends) and after that I couldnt handle being in Dublin anymore so I moved to Portsmouth.

I was just more or less looking for a bit of fun nothing more really when I was over there but after 5 months there I got nothing and landed a job in London.

I moved to London and the night I moved there a number of msn friends invited me along (I had never met any of them) to a showing of Battle Royale in the Cinama. I went along got on great with everyone and talked (only for a few mins) with my now girlfriend (I didnt think she was that special but was nice to chat to)

we started chatting to each other on msn and she lived an hour away (in a place called Andover) a few weeks later she told me she liked and I said why not, ill go out meet up and see what happens (still maninly interested in just a bit of fun)

over the next two weeks the conversation on Msn changed, somehow she was falling in love with me on Msn.

When I got to Andover I was staying for a week and stuff happened and she proclamed her undying love for me. I just went with it

I went back to London and it turned into 3 phone calls a day, and everytime I was on msn she was on chatting.

I went back again 3 weeks later and at the end of the week I tried to break up with her only to find out that she was a cutter when hit by bad news (in otherwords she had a blade on her wrist saying please don't break up with me) I couldnt as I wouldnt be able to stand having the guilt on my head

I was stuck and a week later I lost my job forcing me into a cash flow situation she offered me to come live with her and her parents, it was the only thing I could do to avoid being homeless so I went.

Since then I have more or less propsed to her just to keep the place I was staying (thats a long story)

I am back in Ireland till next week doing a small job then going back to her house. I dont want to but its the only place I have accom.

I am going out tomorrow for early birthday drinks and I honestly feel like soing on the pull because she will never find out (as you can see I dont love her but I cant break up with her as Im afaird she will kill herself)

What should I do, the logical is just break up with her but that will more or less make me homeless but I would be happier however if I stay with her I have a chance to get a job and at least get my own place...

Blub2k4

Get out of this quickly, maybe talk to her family about the threats that she has made and then leg it asap.

judas101

setting her down gently isnt an option so as bad as it may sound, pulling a runner is the only option.

i'm sure you know somwone who can put you up for a while.

gandalf

Well if you don't love her then you should come clean ASAP and end this.

dr.bollocko

You have dug yourself into this situation with your need for a roof away from home. You know, you say there's a long story behind the proposal, but really, you are just leading someone on who is dangerously in love with you, and thats wrong.
Grow a pair and get out of dodge.

free2fly

You are being extremely unfair to her and to yourself. If you don't love her you shouldn't be giving her false hopes of getting married one day. And by staying with her because you could possibly be homeless is using her and her family. And, the fact that she is threatening harm to herself to keep you there is very unfair to you. I would suggest that you get out of there as quickly as you can. The girl needs professional help.

tbh

The only thing you can do is break up with her. Seriously - are you going to marry her? No. So you are going to break up with her, somewhere along the tracks. The sooner you do it, the easier it will be. You have a responsibility to her to do it face to face - the easier option is to run away, which you could always take - but IMO you owe it to her because you took advantage of her when you moved in, rather than doing what you would have done if you hadn't met her (whatever that would have been). Her life is not your responsibility, so you can't let her threats bind you to her. You DO however have a responsibility to treat her with as much respect as you can to help her heal quicker. If this means talking to her family, then you should do that. You don't have to do any of these things, of course, but in my experience you should expect to get treated the way you treat others. I don't think you are a bad person, you just made a few mistakes. How you deal with this will go a long way to telling you what kind of a person you really are.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

'tough situation u landed yourself in there alright and you may have your list of reasons and all that but the longer you leave this go the harder it will be and possibly the worse the conseqence will be.

first of all and im not here to offend you but yea incredibly selfish of you. using her for a place to stay wasnt so nice.

you knew she was falling in love with you over msn when you werent so mad about her so u should have probably called it off about then but guess too late for that. some1 looking for only a bit of fun and someone falling in love aint the best match.

what you could do now is definitely let a friend/family member of hers know that she is likely to harm herself when you break up with her. Let her down gently. Beat around the bush instead of diving right in. not the easiest way of breaking up but u dont want to just say it and run, y'know.

anyways best of luck!'

bug

jesus, how do people find themselves in these situations?
get rid of her.
If it wasn't you she would have cut herself over someone else.

This cutting fad drives me insane, its like someone saw it on the tele in the states and brought it to europe en mass. Insecure? cut yourself...its like, if you bleed people might give you the attention... or your scars could be a talking point...fuk sake.

You must know someone she knows, whether it be a close friend of hers or likewise.
Tell them to keep a close eye on he,r and then (or before) tell her.
Wash your hands of this, you've had enough trouble in your own life so far.

Sometimes you just have to stop being a puppet to other peoples insecurities and do a pontius pilot. You are not responsible for her.

TerrorFirmer

bug wrote:

This cutting fad drives me insane, its like someone saw it on the tele in the states and brought it to europe en mass. Insecure? cut yourself...its like, if you bleed people might give you the attention... or your scars could be a talking point...fuk sake.

You know, that's very inconsiderate. Some people do it purely as a means to take out their anger and stress or as a limited form of escapism, and many will cause both injuries and permenant scars that will never actually be noticed by other people, and are certainly not viewed by the unfortunate who feels the need to do it as an 'attention seeking look at me'...fad... as you call it. Of course, there's that aspect to it of 'pretenders' as well, but that can be expected with any aspect of any given routine of life.

bug

HavoK wrote:

You know, that's very inconsiderate. Some people do it purely as a means to take out their anger and stress or as a limited form of escapism, and many will cause both injuries and permenant scars that will never actually be noticed by other people, and are certainly not viewed by the unfortunate who feels the need to do it as an 'attention seeking look at me'...fad... as you call it. Of course, there's that aspect to it of 'pretenders' as well, but that can be expected with any aspect of any given routine of life.

I take your point on board completely Havok, but I feel really strongly about this. It virtually didn't exist when I was a teen and now has become very widespread and almost socially acceptable amongst teens and older as something that stressed angry people do.
There were always cutters but no so many. Its scary how much it has prevaded though schools for e.g. as something "to do" in times of need and difficulty..

HavoK wrote:

limited form of escapism

.. we took drugs.

I may seem offhand with my original comment but as much as I accept this real problem always existed, it was never more widespread and people are dangerously acceptant of it.

In the OP's case,if you tread around people who feel they can get emotional results by holding a knife to their wrists then you are feeding into their problems and showing that this is what they should do to get what they want.

Black Swan

You have been stringing this poor girl along, taking advantage of her and her family, even proposing to her when you don't love her, and you don't know what to do? Try being honest? Maybe talk to her family in private first about her suicide threat, and then politely break off the engagement and leave her and the family home?

b3t4

Op, you, I and everyone here knows you need to break up with this girl.

Your situation is not hopeless and there is always a way out if you make room for it.

Save up a little and move into a hostel. No it isn't ideal but neither is your situation at least this way it would remove your dependence on this girl and her family. Things can only improve from there.

With regard the cutting, you have no responsibility in this matter. If she decides to cut then it is HER problem and only for HER to deal with. Regardless of how heartless this may sound, what she is threatening you with is also hearthless.

Walk away and get on with your life.
A.

kryan1

b3t4 wrote:

Op, you, I and everyone here knows you need to break up with this girl.

Your situation is not hopeless and there is always a way out if you make room for it.

Save up a little and move into a hostel. No it isn't ideal but neither is your situation at least this way it would remove your dependence on this girl and her family. Things can only improve from there.

With regard the cutting, you have no responsibility in this matter. If she decides to cut then it is HER problem and only for HER to deal with. Regardless of how heartless this may sound, what she is threatening you with is also hearthless.

Walk away and get on with your life.
A.

OP, i think it would be called Emotional blackmail. she is keeping u there by treating her life. Not only is she fooling her self, but she is forcing u into something that u don't want to be a apart of. Get out of it, The longer u have stay in it, the more hurt u will cause her.

For what its worths, i was in that situation you were in, (not the emotional blackmail) but the falling in love and can't do without you over MSN before even meeting you face to face. So i am just staying away from that.
So my advice is get some money saved up and get out of there.
best of luck.

StormWarrior

You are just using her for a job and somewhere to stay. You say you went along with it, you let her fall in love with you. YOU caused this whole situation! Tell her parents about the threats she has made and get out of there. Otherwise what are you going to do, go along with this charade forever and end up married with 3 kids to someone you don't even love?

callmealan

Well thats not a nice situation your in. In my opinion, you are def with her for the wrong reasons. (to have a roof over your head). It will only hurt her more to keep it going on. Talk to her parents and tell them the scenario. Honesty is the name of the day.