How to Break The News

LegacyUser · 13-12-2006 10:30am #1

I've been with a girl for over 9 years. Most of them have been great. Obviously over that length of time little speed bumps are inevitable and you get over them.

However the spark is gone. We've both noticed it before and we put it down to our busy schedules. I realised that I've made no effort to try and regain the spark with prompted me to think long and hard about the relationship and if it's still working.

After 9 years it becomes convenient and easy and it's easy to carry on without thinking. I've come to the decision that I'm cheating her out of being with someone who can give her what she needs.

I know she's going to be really hurt but I need to just get on with it.

Now comes the big problem.

How do I break the news?

I really don't want to do it this close to Christmas and I've no problem biding my time until the New Year, for her sake.

Anyone got advice on how to soften the blow?

Beruthiel · 13-12-2006 10:40am

Time to End wrote:

Anyone got advice on how to soften the blow?

After nine years there is no easy way to soften the blow, no matter what you say or do, it's going to hurt.
Waiting till after the new year is a good idea, after that it's a case of sitting her down and explaining your reasons.
Afterwards, give her the space and time to get over you.

Nalz · 13-12-2006 10:49am

whatever you do, dont use a text message or over the phone! Believe me, some people can be assholes!You have to begin from the start when talking to her.

Tell her exactly how ya feel, from start to finish. I tried to do this with my ex, but we got back together for 3 months and then when she was away she sent the dreaded text. Obviously you still love her and all that, but the spark is gone and your not smitten or IN love so to speak...so thread carefully, pick a quiet place and start from the very start. You never know, you might just realize you are making a mistake, or she might take it better than you think

miamee · 13-12-2006 10:56am

Explain to her exactly what you've said in your post there, that the spark is gone & that while you could carry on 'going with the flow' forever, it wouldn't be fair on either of you.
Either one of you, or both of you, could meet someone that you are more suited to & could be happier with if you weren't in this relationship.
Waiting until after Christmas is a good idea, it gives you time to be 100% sure before you go ahead. Who knows, deep down she might feel the same way.

Good luck.

Nalz · 13-12-2006 11:05am

miamee wrote:

Either one of you, or both of you, could meet someone that you are more suited to & could be happier with if you weren't in this relationship.

Thats very true, but dont go bulging in. This mightent be the case for a while, or she mightent see it that way for a while. Either way take it easy. I had the whole beach scean, I explained everything to her. She was in tears. I took her back, realized I was making a mistake or so I thought. 3 months later she sent a text (new friends new life). I was the one in tears for a good 2 or 3 months after that. Good luck with it boss anyway and hope it all works out for ya.

Miss Fluff · 13-12-2006 12:21pm

miamee wrote:

Waiting until after Christmas is a good idea, it gives you time to be 100% sure before you go ahead. Who knows, deep down she might feel the same way.

Word of warning though, I can empathise with procrastinating the inevitable but then don't turn around in the New Year and think "well it's our anniversary/her birthday shortly so I will wait until after that". If you decide it's over, it's over and don't prolong the agony. I DO understand waiting until after Christmas. It will be a bitter-sweet festive season for you though.

I left someone after 6 years and believe me, no time is a good time. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In saying that, your girlfriend is not stupid. You have both already acknowledged that the relationship is not what it used to be. She may even see it coming and it's just a case sometimes of one partner not being able to let go.

I wish you lots of luck. However better to be in no relationship than a dead one. Get out and live again!

Kalina · 13-12-2006 12:55pm

Miss Fluff wrote:

Word of warning though, I can empathise with procrastinating the inevitable but then don't turn around in the New Year and think "well it's our anniversary/her birthday shortly so I will wait until after that". If you decide it's over, it's over and don't prolong the agony. I DO understand waiting until after Christmas. It will be a bitter-sweet festive season for you though.

I left someone after 6 years and believe me, no time is a good time. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In saying that, your girlfriend is not stupid. You have both already acknowledged that the relationship is not what it used to be. She may even see it coming and it's just a case sometimes of one partner not being able to let go.

I wish you lots of luck. However better to be in no relationship than a dead one. Get out and live again!

Good advice, no time is good to finish a relationship. There is nothing worse that hurting someone that you loved for a number of years. But just grit your teeth and do it. As Miss Fluff said, your gf might be aware of this and may even want to finish the relationship herself.
Either way you will feel so much better when you have finished it (if that's why you decide you need to do). The relief will be amazing.

Mojito · 13-12-2006 12:57pm

I was in the same position as you as well. Was with my partner for 7 years and we both lost that spark. I thought I could go on but I knew it wasn't fair on her or myself. It was a very hard break up for both of us but we both know it was the right thing.

That was 2 and a half years ago, we are now great friends and have both moved on and we both have some amazing memories.

Do the right thing but I would say if you can wait, do it after the New Year.

Good Luck.

oulu · 13-12-2006 2:40pm

Be a real man and end it now,dont wait till the new year, great for her she starts of the new year by her BF dumping her, now the year cant get any worse, she might be thinking you will produce a ring for Xmas, look you have not been honest to her so far so now its time you put her first end it now for her sake. So at Xmas you will be all smiles with her and her family, forget it do the right thing, if this relationship has seen its day she will probley be sensing same as you, it might not be as a big a shock as you might think for her. Also not a bad time to be single at Xmas party's etc. Time to grow up I,m thinking. Happy Xmas

Layla1981 · 13-12-2006 3:14pm

do it now before the xmas. it will make things easier having all her family around to support her. plus she can have the chance to pull a few guys.

Nalz · 13-12-2006 4:13pm

Layla1981 wrote:

do it now before the xmas. it will make things easier having all her family around to support her. plus she can have the chance to pull a few guys.

I dont think thats wise, if you can hold off for a month maybe, for your own sake also.

She could crack, this time of year is no time to be dumped or torn to pieces. Yeah she deserves the truth and to know what you think, but really if you have a heart you can manage another 30 days or so. 30 days is nothing, but 30 days of a miserable Christmas is alot.

Secondly, you'll look like the biggest wánker in history if you do it. All her family, friends colleauges neigbours etc...will go to town on you. You shouldnt care but you dont need shít like that especially at this time of year - trust me.

Thirdly, you might change your mind. If you had 9 years together obviously you trust love n care for one another. Who is to say it can all come back.

You've lasted 9 years, last another month for both your sakes. Then do what you gotta do, or what you wanna do.

Trilla

elqu · 13-12-2006 4:30pm

god, you sound so lame, the "spark is gone" - translation i'm bored and think i can do better. you should be honest with that girl and tell her you r just not mature enough for a grown up relationship. how old are the two of you anyway?

if u r going to break up with her, personally i think you should just do it. she won't thank you for the patronising "getting her through Christmas", before or after, it's all crap so get you gone i say. she'll be with her family and friends who will be around to give her some support and a bit more available.

9y - u better be sure u know what u r doing. love is more than those famous sparks u know. u might miss her more than u think.

BaZmO* · 13-12-2006 4:33pm

Ask her where does she think the relationship is going. It's a very leading question of course, but she's more than likely feeling the same way as you if, as you've said, you've already had several conversations about losing the spark to your relationship. By doing it this way it's possible that you could come to a mutual split and thereby nobody becoming the "dumpee"

newestUser · 13-12-2006 5:02pm

elqu wrote:

god, you sound so lame, the "spark is gone" - translation i'm bored and think i can do better. you should be honest with that girl and tell her you r just not mature enough for a grown up relationship. how old are the two of you anyway?

That's more than a little harsh, and it also sounds like you're prejudiced by your personal experiences.

MojoMaker · 13-12-2006 5:03pm

I have to agree. Just how long do you guys think a 'spark' lasts anyway? It's quickly replaced by deeper feelings, perhaps less overtly intense, but all the more important.

OP, rather than blaming the loss of 'the spark' you'd be better off admitting to yourself that you're bored of her and want someone/something else.

Nalz · 13-12-2006 5:11pm

MojoMaker wrote:

I have to agree. Just how long do you guys think a 'spark' lasts anyway? It's quickly replaced by deeper feelings, perhaps less overtly intense, but all the more important.

OP, rather than blaming the loss of 'the spark' you'd be better off admitting to yourself that you're bored of her and want someone/something else.

Ah I tried to tell my ex that when she wanted to end it... I thought I was right and maybe i was right, but the fact remains that she was in her 20s and considered herself too young for a relationship bla bla bla. Maybe she was right. I dunno what she's at now and I dont really care that much. I'll always care for her even though we dont talk and havent laid eyes on one another in a long time.

Lay off the OP a little will ya. He's not immature or insensitive. YOu cant define what the 'spark' is. Boredom is a harsh and cold word but it does take is place in a relationship. Its a feeling as much as happiness is. Relationships run their course or seem to run their course all the time. Everyone is different. Thats why he needs a little time to think, and a little time for her to get over Christmas (living this white lie) without any drama.

LegacyUser · 13-12-2006 5:15pm

When I say 'Spark' I mean it feels like the life is gone out of the relationship. Infautation ended years ago. If you must know I'm 33 not some kid with a crush on a girl since 1st year.

What I want is what we had before and I can't see a way to get that back. As a result I'm starting to grow to resent her and I don't want that, so flippant comments about boredom and completely uncecessary.

From my point of view, if I was the one being left, I know I would rather be able to enjoy Christmas and deal with problems in the New Year.

I know her family extremly wel and if I do it before Christmas it's going to send her into a downward spin and then that's going to ruin her family's Christmas.

My main query was not the timing of it, but the method.

Mojito · 13-12-2006 5:38pm

elqu wrote:

god, you sound so lame, the "spark is gone" - translation i'm bored and think i can do better. you should be honest with that girl and tell her you r just not mature enough for a grown up relationship. how old are the two of you anyway?

if u r going to break up with her, personally i think you should just do it. she won't thank you for the patronising "getting her through Christmas", before or after, it's all crap so get you gone i say. she'll be with her family and friends who will be around to give her some support and a bit more available.

9y - u better be sure u know what u r doing. love is more than those famous sparks u know. u might miss her more than u think.

I think he know whats he's talking about more than you do. He has been with her for 9 years and this problem has been there for a good while.

I also think he's older than you.

hshortt · 13-12-2006 6:03pm

Is there any chance at all that you still love her? Would it not be better to 'take a break' or put some space between you for a while. If you feel you are not making the effort now then why not change that?

What about the old - make a list of good and not so good points and weigh it up? Might sound silly put it puts you on the spot. Write it as if you are explaining all these traits to a potential new boyfriend.

Cheerio
Howard

Black Swan · 13-12-2006 8:15pm

Break it to her face-to-face, not over the phone or texting. After the first of the year and not on her birthday, holiday, or any special day. Leave plenty of time to talk through the reasons why. Don't just say it's over and bye, cause that's the coward's way out.

padser · 13-12-2006 8:33pm

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Leave plenty of time to talk through the reasons why. Don't just say it's over and bye, cause that's the coward's way out.

To be honest I'd also consider the band aid approach. Its generally more painful to take em off slowly, and while its a sharp pain when you rip them off quickly, its a SHORT sharp pain rather then a protracted drawn out pain.

To sum up, I'd advocate a really quick conversation and then meeting up over the following couple of days to talk it over. I dont think then and there is the time to 'talk through the reasons why'

Then again....I am not a therapist.....

free2fly · 13-12-2006 8:58pm

OP I know exactly what you are going through right now. I went through it in March of this year. If you want to PM me I will be happy to talk to you about it. There is no easy way I'm afraid. But there are ways to do it and get through it.

CiaranC · 13-12-2006 9:06pm

'The spark is gone' me hole. What is this, an episode of Will and Grace? You think relationships stay the same as they were when you first met in your early twenties forever?

How long do you think 'the spark' lasts?

Hint: Its not 9 years.

It will be the same for any relationship. Love is whats left over after the infatuation and romance ends.

Lou.m · 13-12-2006 9:37pm

Be careful if you let her enjoy Christmass then this is going to seem totally out of the blue to her after. She might think 'but we were doing so well recently', or something. The fact is there will be no nice way to do this there is really no least nasty way either. Be sure you are going to do this and not do the break up get together routine and do it in person and allow for the fact that she may want to talk and make sure you are honest and end it if that is what you want. When you do it is really up to you it may be nicer to leave it until the new year for her or it may not, but it probably is going to be hard either way. The best of luck to both of you though.

I think though if you let it go after Christmass there is the chance that you may decide not to or be hesitant. It is not going to be easy for you either you will miss her and the relationship at some point even if it is what it was than what it is now.

No one can decide this but you. I wish you the best

Idbatterim · 14-12-2006 1:21am

Op you are correct in waiting till after christmas, look its not just the gf, but as has been mentioned the family, who is going to have to deal with the fall out? i would take your time now, decide what you want over christmas and if you are 100% sure its what you want then go ahead and break up early in the new year.

Nalz · 14-12-2006 10:56am

I agree. You could destroy your Christmas, her Christmas, her mates and families Christmas...not to mention the new year! Give her time, and give yourself time to think about it all.

bug · 15-12-2006 1:44am

Time to End wrote:

I've been with a girl for over 9 years. Most of them have been great. Obviously over that length of time little speed bumps are inevitable and you get over them.

However the spark is gone. We've both noticed it before and we put it down to our busy schedules. I realised that I've made no effort to try and regain the spark with prompted me to think long and hard about the relationship and if it's still working.

After 9 years it becomes convenient and easy and it's easy to carry on without thinking. I've come to the decision that I'm cheating her out of being with someone who can give her what she needs.

I know she's going to be really hurt but I need to just get on with it.

Now comes the big problem.

How do I break the news?

I really don't want to do it this close to Christmas and I've no problem biding my time until the New Year, for her sake.

Anyone got advice on how to soften the blow?

you just tell her... seasons don't come into it... nor will they really matter in the long run.
Be warned, make sure you have no feelings otherwise this spark that you say has dissapeared could reignite when she's out of your life and burn you in the asse.

How to Break The News

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