trust issues/uncertainty

LegacyUser

Hi,
im in a bit of a dilema at the moment. ive been going out with a great girl for a few months and when we started going out, she was just out of a long term relationship (trouble i know) and we kind of took things slowly at first (and i made a very concious effort to do this)but quickly enough we began to see more and more of each other and we got more serious to the point of planning going away together, which is serious for me!

so anyway, i was in work yesterday and i got a text from her and at the end she was just saying it was 'mad', she just bumped into her ex and he was calling over to her house that evening to return some of her stuff. this is fairly straight foward and i didnt mind this but the following texts involved her saying how this must be awkward for ME?!? (well it wouldnt be if you didnt keep underlining the fact he's calling over to your house) and saying just as well i wasnt around when she met bumped into him. i realise im clearly being unreasonable but it was just the way the texts were written and i also get the impression that from time to time shes trying to test my reactions to things she says. she is a good looking girl and does get approached a fair bit when shes out and im cool with this but sometimes i think its on a need to know basis and i clearly dont need to know and i wonder alot of the time why she feels the need to tell me she was chatted up in work or when she was out in town or whatever. i get chatted up alot less frequently than her but when i do i dont feel the need to go telling her about it.

i think a major thing about this is that i was in a similar position before, going out with a girl just out of a long term relationship and out of the blue she ended it with me and got back with her ex and i guess im expecting the same thing to happen here. i would openly admit i have trust issues(due to being let down in the past) and i know this isnt a healthy mindset to have if im in another relationship.i have to be honest, i never asked how her last relationship ended as i feel its none of my business but i get uneasy when any ex is on the scene. i think im just wondering if this can work if shes just out of a longterm relationship(3years) and i have trust issues which is making me feel very uneasy in this situation (im not some maniac that needs to know where she is every five minutes, far from it, we make sure to spend time with our friends to so as not to smother each other and we both have other activities we participate in outside of work).shes a great girl and know i do want to be with her but im not sure if a want history to repeat itself and i have a voice in my head telling me to end it altogether before she does. i normally push the self destruct button on these things and i guess im just looking for someone to tell me to snap out of it and get grip of myself. to be honest i dont know what im thinking and im probably over reacting but i just wanted to get this off my chest.

thanks if youve read this much! and happy christmas!

Beruthiel

OdiEtAmo wrote:

so anyway, i was in work yesterday and i got a text from her and at the end she was just saying it was 'mad', she just bumped into her ex and he was calling over to her house that evening to return some of her stuff. this is fairly straight foward and i didnt mind this but the following texts involved her saying how this must be awkward for ME?!? (well it wouldnt be if you didnt keep underlining the fact he's calling over to your house) and saying just as well i wasnt around when she met bumped into him. i realise im clearly being unreasonable but it was just the way the texts were written and i also get the impression that from time to time shes trying to test my reactions to things she says.

Texts.
My pet hate.
Texts are for letting people know you're going to be last for a date or can't find them in the pub.
Texts are not ever going to replace the art of conversation and getting your point across.
Call her up or met up with her and discuss what is on your mind.
Making up things in your head about what you 'think' she meant in her texts will never be useful or helpful to your state of mind.

kryan1

Beruthiel wrote:

Call her up or met up with her and discuss what is on your mind.
Making up things in your head about what you 'think' she meant in her texts will never be useful or helpful to your state of mind.

Think here is what u should def do. U no, if u cannot openly talk to her about it, well then whats the point. Maybe print out what u typed above and give it to her. But don't say its in a forum, mite not like that. But discuss it with her.
But i do know exactly what u are going through and it not a nice feeling. talk it out with her.
Best of luck

milod

Beruthiel wrote:

Texts.
My pet hate.
Texts are for letting people know you're going to be last for a date or can't find them in the pub.
Texts are not ever going to replace the art of conversation and getting your point across.
Call her up or met up with her and discuss what is on your mind.
Making up things in your head about what you 'think' she meant in her texts will never be useful or helpful to your state of mind.

Well said Beruthiel, you're so right! OP, stop acting like a teenager, scrap the texts, and ask her to phone you if she wishes to communicate anything other than confusion. If you're on the same network you can usually set it up so calls are free between two numbers, so cost isn't an excuse. Badly spelled and unpunctuated crap does not substitute for real communication and in some cases can create a bad situation before you even start to talk!

Talliesin

Texts can be used for two things:

Messages of the equivalent eloquence as a note to a milk-man.

Playing games.

The former is good if you're stuck in traffic.

The latter is good if you're playing fun games (flirting, asking what someone is wearing, making promises/demands for when you meet up later) but crap if you're trying to deal with something serious in your relationship. Even if you're not trying to you'll end up playing games.

i wonder alot of the time why she feels the need to tell me she was chatted up in work or when she was out in town or whatever.

Because she feels insecure?

Quite a few people at some level feel love == jealousy. Hence if you really love her you'll get all jealous and there'll be a big drama about her meeting with her ex, possibly involving you squaring up to him in fisticuffs or a big shouting match with her or something equally pathetic.

And if this is the case it leaves you in a bit of a bind - behave jealously and you'll spend the rest of the (hopefully short) relationship engaging in a series of unconstructive shouting matches and mind-games, don't behave jealously and she'll feel increasingly insecure and things will get worse.

Try to convey that you aren't jealous but not because you don't love her but rather that you are confident in her love for you.

If she says "this must be awkward for you" say "Why? Being with you doesn't make me jealous, my being with you makes other men jealous".

Lou.m

Hey i agree with what has been said above but with one added extra i get approached a fair bit too and i almost always tell my boyfriend as i feel i would be keeping something from him i know it does not necessarily help but i sometimes feel that he would think i am keeping something from him. You should tell her that you trust her and love her and that she does not need to keep telling you that you believe in her. And if it is an insecurity thing then just tell her you love her but point out it is not really fair for her to play with someone like that just to test them. But to be honest i lot of the time i tell my boyfriend because i know if he found out someone did make a pass and i did not tell him he would be even more upset.

Black Swan

If there's no trust, there's no relationship. Chill out and give her a little trust. She is on the rebound (you admitted that). Sure there's risk, but if you get all uptight about it and start to show it to her, you just might drive her away?

Seraphina

i tell my boyfriend about being chatted up, usually because i get a bizarre sense of guilt from it, even though i know im doing nothing wrong. i suppose i feel bad about enjoying the attention or whatever. however she seems to want to make you jealous, probably, because as others have said, she may feel insecure.
as always, talking to her properly is really the only way to sort it out.