Dump him?

alimel

Hi
Ive been going out with my BF some years now and over the past few months ive been considering breaking up with him. Things are not going well and he gets a bit out of control and lets me down or disregards me when he's drinking. Basically he's not right for me and im not debating that as he can be a prick!!
I just find i have a huge fear of breaking up with him as ive literally no friends. I broke contact with a lot of them after school after i discovered 3 of them had slept with my boyfriend at the time(not all at once obviously). Anyway moved on from him and met my current boyfriend at work. It was a small company so there was literally no one there my own age and found it hard to make new friends. He was all i had and that was ok for a while.

Now im sick of being lonely and having no friends, ive had a boyfriend since I was 17, im now 27, have no social life and a my boyfriends gone off the rails.

I just dont know how to make some girlie friends??? The company I work for now, no one socialises with anyone outside work. All have kids, mortgages, husbands and their own friends outside of work. I have tried to make friends here but everyone is of the attitude that for socialising they'll stick to their own friends outside of work. It's easy to say join a group or class but where do i find out about these and what is there for someone my age?? Imagine yourself in this situation, you dont want to appear sad or desperate asking people you barely know if they fancy going cinema or few drinks?? Help, i just feel hopeless!

kmick

Hi - sounds like you are in a bit of a slump at the mo. Work is not neccesarily the best place to meet friends but make an attempt invite a couple of them for drinks or lunch. Invite yourself along to their drinks or lunches but do so subtley . Friendships take months and years so be prepared for a hard slog. Be there for workmates if they are down and listen to other people and you will get places. If you have close friends who you lost touch with - give them a call they may need a friend now too you never know. Hang around with Brothers and sisters around the same age. Good way of meeting people. First and foremost be bright and happy not depressed and cynical - it is much easier to make a connection with someone who is smiling than a dour person. Thats my three cents

MonkeyWrench

I had a similar problem just over a year ago. I was going out with a girl that I didn't want to be with the rest of my life but I was in a country away from friends and family and was afraid to break up with this person mostly because I knew that I would be screwed without them socially, I would be alone. We ended up breaking up and I moved to a different part of the city and into a new apartment with other people of a similar age. I too had difficulty socialising with people from my job because they were all much older than me with kids etc
It sounds to me like you have no choice but to take the plunge and dump your boyfriend, if the only reason that you want to stay with him is because of a fear of being even lonelier than that definately is not a valid reason and you know that yourself. Drastic changes need to be made OP and these may come in the form of changing jobs, changing house or even city. It will be tough to adapt but you will be better for it down the road.

hunnymonster

Dump him. He's not right for you and you're hanging on for all the wrong reasons.

How about joining a gym. Some people in the gym go on their own, some with friends. It's an easy place to go on your own and you can say a few hello's without making a big deal of it. the Classes are a good place to strike up conversations. It's just one idea.

Night classes are another.

Nalz

I know how you feel OP, I dropped GAA, soccer, music and the pub to a certain degree when I started my first relationship. It lasted nearly 4 years and when she ended it I was lost. I lost a good few mates and I felt I was a cúnt to the mates that were still around. I finished college, got a job, living now with 3 good mates and life is good again. Took the best part of a year to snap out of it and get life back together bla bla bla etc...

I know my situation is nowhere near yours, but changes are needed. Take up new hobbies, sports or activities.Ya gotta push yourself. Only you can make this better, you are in control. My immediate suggestions arent the best, but you gotta understand that this involves alot of thinking and alot of pushing yourself. Changes in life involve changes in you

alimel

Thanks to all who replied, really appreciate your advise and to know im not the only person who has gone through this. Ill try to stop feeling all is hopeless and get myself out there and do some courses and might even look to move out of home and find a room to rent in a house with people my age. Think thats my best bet.

Kalina

You seem to have a positive attitude so that's a good start. Like someone else said, you must've had close friends in the past so you could contact them. Don't lay it on too thick, just maybe go for a coffee or something. Then you can look at becoming friends again, but that will take a lot of work over time.
Take up a hobby aswell, horse-riding is a great way to meet people I found. I moved towns a while agi and started taking lessons in a new stables. The people in my class were great fun, and love horses as I do. So I found it easy to make friends with people of similar interests. Horse-riding might not be your thing but I'm sure there's other things out there with the same idea.
Best of luck.

biko

It may sound a bit drastic but how about taking a job in (and moving to) another town? It would allow you to meet new people in the new workplace, you would meet new people in bars, gym and such and also you'd get away from this boyfriend.

Catari Jaguar

Dump him, he's not making you happy. It won't be hard making new friends. Your plan sound good. Be alone for a while even, gain some independence and find yourself. Good luck

littlesurfer

That just happend to me I'l be your friend

just move on, longer you think about it the harder it will be to make new friends. I think a sport is a good idea,...you make friends through a club faster than a class or something...I'm joining a kickboxing club to get me back out there.

fingers crossed for you xx

LegacyUser

'In an incredibly similar situation. Friends have emigrated, married, shacked-up, or become too busy. I always had lots of friends and then suddenly one day realised that they had all drifted off. Most of them got peeved with the Irish lifestyle and went to see if they could find alternatives.

You aren't alone in this. I, for one, am sick of having to dial international numbers to talk to someone who knows me as a mate, and who I might actually see once a year if I'm lucky.

I suppose as you get older you have to make an effort to meet new people, and I think you have already made some good suggestions.

I find that people I come across who I would like to remain friends/or have the crack with, with tend already have an overflowing social circle, and I'm not one to push myself onto people.

I may scream the next time I hear someone say "join a club" or the gym
I really don't know one person who introduces themselves to each other while sweating on a treadmill. I've never seen it happen in any gym, its possibly one of the least social places I can think of where most people tend to try and pretend other people don't exist!

I think the secret is to pick something you are interested in or have always wanted to do.
Do you like anything arty? Drama/singing/literature... these sort of societies seem to attract people and unite them in a common interest. Rather than starting from scratch on and one-to-one basis.

I think you won't be in this situation for much longer, if thats any hope for you. You seem to know what you want, i.e. getting rid of useless feckker and thinking about starting anew.'

Brooks

hunnymonster wrote:

Dump him. He's not right for you and you're hanging on for all the wrong reasons.

How about joining a gym. Some people in the gym go on their own, some with friends. It's an easy place to go on your own and you can say a few hello's without making a big deal of it. the Classes are a good place to strike up conversations. It's just one idea.

Night classes are another.

why in the name of god do people always suggest the gym as a good place to meet people??? I have been going to a gym for about five years and there is no social aspect to it at all. Quite frankly if someone tried to strike up a conversation with me in the gym, I would think they were some sort of a weirdo

lets face it. you are never looking your best when you are there ( or smelling your best) and it can be intimidating working out next to super heroes!
it comes up here time and time again... so I have asked lots of other people I know who go to the gym (not my gym obviously as I dont talk to anyone there!! and they all agree with me!
off topic I know, but just had to get my two cents in

d-redser

littlesurfer wrote:

That just happend to me I'l be your friend

just move on, longer you think about it the harder it will be to make new friends. I think a sport is a good idea,...you make friends through a club faster than a class or something...I'm joining a kickboxing club to get me back out there.

fingers crossed for you xx

I am in the same boat. Trying my best to make friends these days is really tough. I am more into sports activities than anything arty!

I have been looking around for classes in kickboxing too. I tried it a while back and I really enjoyed it, found it a bit intimitdating with all the men there but I really want to join back. The classes I used to go to have shut down..

littlesurfer

we should start a single females support group!!

Black Swan

alimel wrote:

It's easy to say join a group or class but where do i find out about these and what is there for someone my age?? Imagine yourself in this situation, you dont want to appear sad or desperate asking people you barely know if they fancy going cinema or few drinks?? Help, i just feel hopeless!

Hey, one source of groups can be found on boards. Try looking through the forums in terms of your interests. For example, I surf (ocean) and discovered that there is a group that gets together via the surfing forum under sports.

d-redser

littlesurfer wrote:

we should start a single females support group!!

Now that would be a good laugh! Loads of single women on the loose!! Mayhem!!

littlesurfer

we could let loose on dublin it'd be great