Getting help but lost her.....

Pirbright

Hi, bit of a long post so apologises.

I lost my Dad when I was 9. He was 35, didn't drink, smoke and jogged every day. he dropped dead of a heart-attack. I remember being hit by shock when I was told but then everyone told me to big and 'strong' for my Mum and brother and sister so rather then being allowed to grieve I bottled it up. I've never dealt with it and never wanted to go to that place I need to go to fix the sadness, loneliness, pain, anger and frustration. My Dad was my hero.

I'm now 32. I've just broken up with a girl who made me feel alive and complete for the first time in years. The reasons we broke up are that the issues I never dealt with were impacting on the relationship. I don't let people close as I fear losing them and can't or don't know how to deal with the emotions that come with losing someone so I don't allow myself or them to get close. If I do let them close on rare occassions, I fear I only have a limited time with them and try to force the relationship and fit in as much as I can and say how I feel even though it is probably too early to say things like that because I regret never saying things to my Dad. This all had an impact in the relationship with her. She told me to listen to 'Who am i?' and at the time because I was fighting a losing battle on the inside I couldn't figure out what she meant. Now I do.

It wasn't just the issues I had buried deep inside that caused the break-up. I nearly lost my leg in august after complications of an operation. I was at high risk of a heart attack / stroke too. The Doctor said I was extremely lucky to be alive. Now I don't have a fear of death because I believe I'll see my Dad but when he said it, I would have fought Death himself to stay here because She was in my life and I didn't want to let her go. The consequences were that the things I enjoy doing - running, hiking, hill walking, gym, footy were all taken away from me and I didn't a valve for my anger and frustration at the situation. I don't like to sit about. I like to be active. So my frustration was building inside.

Then I started my final year in college (part-time). Someone made an accusation of bullying against me which I was able to prove otherwise. But I was livid that a so called good friend could try and jeopardise my degree because he realised he'd not commited to the final year. it took all the good and fun out of me that I had built up for a really good attempt at final year. I now can't stand to be in the same room as him even though the college solution was to put him into my Thesis Group. So now inside I was angry and frustrated and had no outlet as I couldn't do anything physical to vent. I became a moody, angry and frustrated.

I started to snipe at her and make mountains out of mole hills. Annoy her with stupid antics. Get annoyed if I couldn't get hold of her. This led her to treat me badly and snipe back at me. Even though we went away for a weekend and had a great time, when we came back things just took a nose dive. it seemed she lost interest in me. and all my issues about my Dad's death came flooding back and I exploded. Finished it with her. Began drinking even though I can't on the medication I'm still on. Have fallen into a sadness and loneliness I've never experienced before. I'm angry at everyone. Even my Mum is concerned at my behaviour.

I realised that I was in jeopardy of letting work, college and life be destroyed by everything I had built up inside and needed help. So I took the decision to get counselling. So I started 2 weeks ago and its so hard and painful that I've found myself wanting to just bottle up and give up on life. But I haven't. I've decided to fight it and battle through it and heal or fix what needs to be fixed. I can't continue to live like this.

My only regret is that I lost her in the process. I miss her so much that it's hurting. It's not the type of missing from having some around and doing stuff with. It's missing her as a person. Her eyes, smile, smell.....The way she'd make funny faces, the way she'd cremated pizza and hide the fact with 4 inches of parmasan, the way she'd tell me to pick up the cat and pet her (and I'm not a cat person).....I realise now that alot of the problems were to do with me and I don't know if I can get her back. I want her back but I also know that for now I'm not in a place to offer much to anyone. I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks now but I did text her to meet up because I wanted to explain to her all the things I've typed but I never got a text back. So I know now I've lost her and have to try move on.

I guess I'm not looking for advice as so much as to just get this out of my system.

Sorry it was abit of a rant.

c - 13

Dude, if you want to try explain things to her contact her and tell her exactly what you wrote here, alternatively link her to this thread.

I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Beruthiel

c - 13 wrote:

alternatively link her to this thread.

Agreed.
Sometimes you can write down easily what is difficult to put into words.
Stick with the counselling until you have yourself sorted. I can see it's been a difficult road for you but don't give up hope, you will get there.
Best of luck.

Dutchology

I also lost my dad, when I was 17. I still have issues, nightmares. It affects me deep down but I try not to let it show. I love my man very much, he takes care of me, holds me when I cry, when I wake up at night, without him I'd be at a loss. It affects him too, but I am lucky that he is strong enough for both of us when it comes to this. Despite this, I do not feel that I am being fair by burdening him with these things.

Maybe eventually a day will come where my sleep is not disturbed by recurring nightmares, but until then I need to be strong. As do you.

Print out the post, not as a post but simply as text. Give it to her. If you don't get a chance to see her, post it to her. She needs to read exactly what you wrote there if she has any chance of understanding and perhaps giving you a second chance. I'm not saying she will, but you don't know if you don't try.

Be strong.

Mighty_Mouse

Write a letter to her. Old fashion but great way of communicating everything mentioned above. At least you'll say everything you want to say without pestering her.

You can then move on and leave things knowing you tried to explain.

The balls in her court in terms of whether she wants to reply but you just got to accept its over and focus on getting your own head sorted first.

ps

delete her number etc etc etc leave her be.

watna

You wrote very eloquently about how you feel about her. It sounds like that despite your problems and experiences you have a great capacity for love and she should hear what you think. Send her this thread, either in an email or letter. If she's as wonderful as you think she is than I think she'd be incredibly touched by it and maybe you could talk about things.

When my bf was 10, his mum and sister were killed in a car accident and it definitely affects his attitude to relationships. Sometimes he's scared to let me get too close because he thinks things can be too easily taken away. I try my best to be as understanding as possible. He says the same thing.... he was in a serious relationship for two years before me... he said that when they broke up he fell apart because grief for his mum came out. I presume you felt similar. Try talk to her about it, if possible. Once my bf started talking about it I started to understand and it made things so much better.

Pirbright

I sent her an email explaining it all but have not heard back from her. I guess it was to be expected. I've hit rock bottom with regards all the emotions and feelings hitting me and I am really struggling to find a way out of this sadness and loss. I'm literally taking it hour by hour at the moment. Never had the fight taken out of me like this before.

free2fly

Pirbright wrote:

I sent her an email explaining it all but have not heard back from her. I guess it was to be expected. I've hit rock bottom with regards all the emotions and feelings hitting me and I am really struggling to find a way out of this sadness and loss. I'm literally taking it hour by hour at the moment. Never had the fight taken out of me like this before.

Don't give up OP! Stick with the counselling, as difficult as that may be. Life is worth living. If you ever feel the need to just talk to someone, PM me ok? I'm a very good listener.

Maccattack

Pirbright wrote:

So I took the decision to get counselling. So I started 2 weeks ago and its so hard and painful that I've found myself wanting to just bottle up and give up on life. But I haven't. I've decided to fight it and battle through it and heal or fix what needs to be fixed.

Well you have a lot of courage. Most people never see these things about themselves, always blaming others and outside influences.

You recognise the root cause. But even better you are doing something about it, despite being in a crappy place at the moment. That takes real insight and guts.

If you continue on with the counselling you will get to the top of the mountain and feel really great about yourself.

So keep it up fella.

As for the girl. Well its always tough breaking up when you love someone.

But i think at the moment being single might be something you need. You need to get yourself right again so that you can be a good partner.

You miss her because she's not there. Thats not the real problem. Its WHY she's not there.

Youre obviously very bright and in tune with yourself. Youve already got yourself half way sorted. Push yourself to the finish line.

Black Swan

Pirbright wrote:

I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks now but I did text her to meet up because I wanted to explain to her all the things I've typed but I never got a text back. So I know now I've lost her and have to try move on.

Rather than text her, why don't you get old fashioned and hand write her a letter, telling her what you shared with us in this post, especially all the things you miss about her... smile, burned pizza, etc.? Keep it personal, and don't mention that you wrote this on boards. Odds are she is trying to move on and it's too late, but it's worth one good try?

Pirbright

I sent her a letter but not had a response. Kinda resigned to the fact I've lost her. I still have a hard slog ahead of me with regards counselling but I'll get there. I just wish it wasn't at the cost of losing her.