29 and alone......

LegacyUser

Hi guys. I'm posting unregistered for this one..because I can't seem to be a able to post anything since I registered myself as a paid subscriber! ( but that's another story )

I just turned 29 not to long ago, and it was then I realised that at this age, I've nobody, nothing except my job. I broke up with my gf 3 years ago and have been single since. Granted, I really didn't make an effort to be in a relationship immediately after that as I was in final year of med school and had to study hard. After graduation the nature of the job as well as the effort I have to make to further my career left me with little time for anything else. The fact that I was single never really bothered me much until the past few months.

My problem is that I'm hopeless at getting a girlfriend. I'm not ugly..I work out in the gym a lot and have an above average physique. I'm not a bad person..I've been told many times that I'm very nice and likable . I've been hit on by girls before but I've never really been interested in them. The girls I've fallen for in the past 3 years are always unavailable in one way or another ie. already in a relationship or just plain not interested.

The fact that I am socially inept doesnt help. I JUST CANT SPEAK TO GIRLS! I'm the guy who spent the first 18 years of his life in front of a book. Everytime I approach a girl I like ( or she approaches me ) I just freeze. I can't make small talk ( with anyone ! ) and any conversation we would have would end up in an uncomfortable silence after about 3 minutes.

I've always pride myself as someone 'who doesn't need anyone', who's happy alone, but everyone around me have someone special and the loneliness is getting into me. Thoughts and advice anyone ? The mail-order-Russian bride is my last resort :-)

the_syco

Lonely1 wrote:

I can't make small talk ( with anyone ! )

Med school, eh? So, are you a doc, or something now? See if there are any clubs ye can join, and join one. Get used to talking to people (about wtf you do), and then get used to talking about other bullsh|t. This will ensure that your conversation will last more than a few minutes.

Brazzer

Hi Lonely, on paper you sound way too good to be true. I'm wondering if maybe the girls you are chatting to are not as well educated as you and may seem lost on the topic? I'm not being a smartass in saying that, I too have spent a lot of my life studying (i'm 27) and I have found it difficult to talk to guys I meet out as when they ask about my job and what I'm studying the conversation soon runs dry.

I have a good interest in football and have found this to be my only saviour. I know most girls my age are interested in going out, maybe talk about different clubs / pubs you have been to. Talk about holidays you have planned and places you have already visited. If all else fails talk about tv shows such as desperate housewives. All of these topics have been used on me by guys I've met out and I have to say I was really impressed that THEY made the effort to get more conversation out of me when my topic (work & studying) ran dry. It's only my opinion and I'm speaking from my own experience, but I feel that people (mainly myself) who spend a lot of their time studying and focusing for so long usually zone out of whats going on in the day to day world.

Maybe try talking about a few 'chick type' things. Hope you find someone special soon :-)

Black Swan

Besides medicine, do you have any hobbies, sports, or whatever you enjoy doing? Find a group that does this that has a good mix of single females and males, join the group, become enthusiastic about whatever the group does, and you will attract those who share your interest, some of them females. Then both you and they will have something to chat about.

Although boards.ie is not a dating service, you can meet people here, too. There is a boards beer coming you this month. Be there or be square!

Colm_OReilly

OP,

Trust me, you're not alone. I coach people in your "dilemma" all the time.

If you want to work on your small talk there are a load of resources out there for it. If you're a GP you can try to ask one or two more "how are you?" type questions while working with your clients. Simple stuff like "did you see the game last night?" does work. If they say "no" you can ask them what they are into, or ask them about some television program you saw/enjoy.

I know this stuff isn't going to make massive waves but it's a start. As long as you are interested you don't really need to be interesting. Plus it will have the benefit of making people more comfortable with you.

The first few times you try this you'll probably not get very far with it. But as you continue you'll get more used to being in the moment and not stuck in your head (which is usually why people don't/can't vibe with others)

If you think back to when you started exercising, how far could you run/how much could you lift? Over time, your technique improved as did your strength.

If it's a confidence issue, or lack of faith in your abilities, there's confidence resources out there as well. If you've any specific questions on that, feel free to post, PM or mail me and I'll answer.

Colm

Kell

Lonely1 wrote:

I can't make small talk ( with anyone ! )

Why do you feel you have to? I dont do small talk either, yet its never been a problem.

Lonely, the only (it rhymes!!) way to get over your problem is trial and error. There is no point telling the world that you are lonely yet, by your own admission, you do nothing about it. Do you have a notion that people just cruise on over to other people and initiate conversation without having a case of the heebies first? Of course they do. Everyone shíts themselves to some degree when approaching a member of the opposite sex, so as your heart pounds and you get tongue tied, rather than run away, think "hey, this happens to everyone. I am NOT a freak".

As usual, the answers to the biggest problems are the simplest.

K-

dvega

I wouldnt fret! your still only 29 and still quite young,have you ever thought of contacting your ex again? since your finished studing have you ever thought have doin a bit of traveling,asks some friends maybe.You did say the women you have talked to were in a relationship or were'nt available so you are talking to them,if somone is not available just pick your head up and try again.Remember your ONLY 29!!

LegacyUser

'Wow, thanks for the reply ppl..

Blue Lagoon : I've though about joining clubs/groups before. Wanted to join the wine club, learn how to sail and scuba dive ( the last 2 probably not a good idea in this weather ), but time is a BIG limiting factor. If I ever meet someone I suspect is most likely someone for work.

Colm : Thanks for the advice. I guess confidence IS a big issue. Never really good with ppl to ppl interaction. Tend to get very self concious as well. I am interested with whatever resources u can help me with, although I understand that the secret to it all in the end is practise, practise and practise.

Dvega : Yes I have though about contacting my ex again but it will not be a good idea and I think its wiser if we dont ( thats another story )'

LegacyUser

'I am 29 also and feel lonely sometimes. I don't have the answers because I am still on my own. All my friends are in relationships and sometimes are not happy. I was in a bad relationship and being with the wrong person is equally as bad as being on your own. I hope that by having an open mind to guys (regardless of job, security etc......) that I will meet the right guy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your not on your own and I am glad to see that I am not the only 29 year old that is single and lonely out there. It gets me down but I keep busy'

Blogard

I just wonder how many people feel the same. Maybe it would be better to get together with a group of like minded people and just have a laugh. I am sure things would just happen if people got out more.:rolleyes:

daiixi

OP - you've just got to get out there and practise. The more you talk to people the easier it becomes.

If you want to get out and meet people then head to the boards.ie beers on Friday night and support SSF.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055020430

Colm_OReilly

lonely1,

Tony Alessandra's 10 Qualities of Charismatic People is a very good program. I listen to a lot of these types of programs and I have to say this one delivered. It breaks thigns down into very usable and understandable actions you can take to get along better with people and grow from their to having greater influence and persuasion. You can find it here, well worth it I think.

Think Right Now have a Supreme Confidence auto suggestion CD which is also useful. Of course, it's only useful if you take the time to listen to it. I think putting it on as you're going to sleep is the easiest way of integrating it into your schedule. You can find it here. They also have a self esteem CD, I don't know what the difference is though.

BTW, I'm not on any affiliate sales with these products.

My blog on confidence is www.colmoreilly.com/blog. I've also linked to a number of other confidence/self esteem blogs so you can find which one suits you best.

Colm

miamee

Blogard wrote:

I just wonder how many people feel the same. Maybe it would be better to get together with a group of like minded people and just have a laugh. I am sure things would just happen if people got out more.:rolleyes:

Blogard you are dead right, I am constantly surprised by the amount of people feeling this way on boards, most peoples problems (myself included) are that they don't get out & about enough in a social capacity.
I think this time of year (holidays) makes some people feel that much more lonely than they might otherwise feel.
OP you are not alone but unfortunately there is no magical solution, you just have to get out & about & push yourself out of your comfort zone, a little at a time

The_B_Man

Hows ur bed side manner? any good? i bet if its any good at all its coz ur not tryin to come onto ur patients. so why does it change wit ppl outside the hospital? dont jsut mean girls but u sed u cant small talk with anyone.

most ppl wouldn't separate the 2. if u can talk to anyone whos a patient, u can talk to anyone whos not a patient.

stop treating a girl talking to you as a serious event. it happens all the time. stop tryin to deliver the instant killer punchline that'll make her want to marry u. that doesnt happen. take it easy.

fifly

Colm is that the audio version of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie ?

Is it best to use the audio version or the book?

OTK

Are you a doctor? Any woman I know of your age goes weak-kneed at the mention of any young doctor. It has to be the most eligible job - for obvious reasons. Maybe you're a medical researcher which would explain it.

panda100

Lonely1 wrote:

I've been hit on by girls before but I've never really been interested in them. The girls I've fallen for in the past 3 years are always unavailable in one way or another ie. already in a relationship or just plain not interested.

:-)

Do you like girls who are not available?Why havent you been intrested in the girls who hit on you?

LegacyUser

OTK wrote:

Are you a doctor? Any woman I know of your age goes weak-kneed at the mention of any young doctor. It has to be the most eligible job - for obvious reasons. Maybe you're a medical researcher which would explain it.

Yes, a medical doctor, and despite what u think, doctors are as interesting as a plank of wood ( or maybe its just me )

LegacyUser

panda100 wrote:

Do you like girls who are not available?Why havent you been intrested in the girls who hit on you?

Its just by chance...pure bad luck I guess. The fact that they are unavailable doesn't make them more desirable. In fact, I usually dont find out until its too late.

OTK

You can learn to make small talk and not run out of things to say. It's not something you have to be born with. You could do a course or just read the bestselling self-help books in this area. If you have any self-knowledge you may be able to spot what your lacking. If you spend a lot of time on your own you can become more and more introverted and then go cold when you run out of things to say to someone you meet.

Obviously you can't expect to meet someone without socialising a lot.

If your social skills are poor is this not causing a problem in your line of work?

Colm_OReilly

fifly wrote:

Colm is that the audio version of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie ?

Is it best to use the audio version or the book?

No, it's a different product. As for whether it's best to read or use the audio I personally prefer the audios because I'm busy and I can listen to the audios while cycling. Plus I'm an auditory learning so it's easier for me to remember things I hear.

LegacyUser

OTK wrote:

If your social skills are poor is this not causing a problem in your line of work?

Not really. Most discussion are centered around work anyway and ur always kept busy. However if there is an opportunity for conversation, I'd face the same problem still ( esp talking to the girl I like ! )

OTK

What is your attitude to confidence,assertiveness and other soft skill training? Do you think it is all bs? self-help books are written in a simplistic americanised style that makes them offputting for a lot of people, particularly if you're educated and used to a more erudite style. Also there is a certain stigma about them so maybe you'd be embarassed to buy one.

Most of them contain similar material. Just because it's obvious when you read it or written in a patronising style doesn't mean it would be any les useful for you.

I think there's also a feeling that this kind of book tells you to be insincere and not be yourself. Insincerity is to be avoided but just being yourself is not an option if you want to change.

Part of dealing with other people is learning to listen to with interest. Very few people have this skill. If you find you are habitually negative and pessimistic this can be a conversation killer.

Surely doctors have to listen to their patients, reassure them when they ask you questions about their prognosis, deal with them in a human way. Bedside manner and all that. No? I would have thought it would make you a happier doctor to feel the patients trusted you.