Slight problem, any advice?

Rozabeez

Right so basically, my brother is a waster.

I'm in 6th year and I'm trying to get along ok, but I have an 18 year old brother, he's into some drugs and so are his friends. His friends are in my house every weekend, now I'm in school 'till 6 and work most weekends, so its really not cool to come home to a house full of stoners and drunks every weekend.

My mother is away most weekends 'cause she needs to get away from our arguments, its getting a bit insane. I know I sound like a whingey teen but I really really can't hack his ignorant, intimidating and loud friends. I lose sleep, they're actually here about 4 or 5 nights a week, if my brother isn't working. (He works in the local shop 'cause he didn't really bother with his LC)

My plan is to go to college far away, Limerick IT and only come home when necessary. It just hurts that my mam knows whats going on but doesn't even have the power to stop him, or else just doesn't want to. Asking her to stay home more often isn't an option. Thing is, if I can't get sleep or study at home, how am I even supposed to get into college? I actually hate coming home, which is not too normal....I have another 8 or 9 months before I can move out and I'd just like some advice on what to do 'til then, thanks.

Lust4Life

Maybe you need to voice your opinion a bit louder.
Hold a family meeting and formally address the issue.
You are not asking for anything that you don't deserve to have.

If this doesn't work, then talk more with your mother.
Your brother is 18. Your mother has a right to set rules for her own house and expect your brother to hold to them. If he can't hold to them then he ought to make plans to move in with his loser friends.

Just my opinion. I hope it helps.

LundiMardi

Show your mother this thread. Sounds like a selfish bitch tbh, no offence of course.

It's her job to take care of this crap, not to leave you dealing with it every weekend.

thebman

Organise to go to a friends to study if the above don't work. You need quiet when studying. As for sleeping, I'm not really sure what you can do about that.

You need to get your parents to start acting like parents. Seems like brother is running the house, not your mother who doesn't seem to give a crap about what is going on at home.

dame

Agree with all the above.

Could you tell your mother how badly it's affecting you.....even appeal to her mothering instinct and twll her you really don't feel safe being left alone every weekend with all the drunk drugged and unpredictable wasters hanging around the house. Tell her if they hassle you in any way, your parents should be looking after you not leaving you to fend for yourself with all this dangerous crap, particularly at such a crucial point in your life. Ask her why her darling son needs to bring all his reject friends over to your house all the time - have their own parents stood up and said they can't carry on like that in their own houses? It's just not good enough.

Do you have guidance teacher or someone else who you could trust? Could you discuss the situation with them? Anyone who may be able to help deal with your brother, maybe even get him off the drugs and booze and set him on a better path?

I wish you all the best in your exams and I reallly hope that you can get some help with this.

the_syco

Try to get your bro doing an apprenticeship. Sure, he'll still be a stoner, but if you find him a job where he has to get up at 6am every day, he won't want to have too many late nights.

Shiminay

Options:

• Tell your mother that you NEED to be able to study and that she has to put the foot down. She's not responsible for him anymore, he's 18 and can throw him out on the street (sounds like she should).
• Explain the situation to your school and have them take care of it
• Call the Gardaí when your brother and his mates are there and have them all arrested.
• Call Social Welfare and explain the dangerous living situation you're in (and it is dangerous, make no mistake). They'll likely have your brother and frinds arrested and probably your mother too.

Unfortunately hun, there is going to be no easy way out of this. Your mother needs the size 11 of reality and parenthood and your brother needs the size 11 of cop the funk on. I wish I could offer you an easier option, but it's clearly gone way past the point where you can resolve this within the family - especially if you're being left by your mother at the weekends.

Sleepy

Is your father around at all? Is there another family member like an aunt/uncle who could help?

nando

I sympathise totally. I went through something similar during much of my time in secondary school but it all came to a head before the Leaving. For me it was my younger brother (by 18 months) who had also given up school - actually there was no school that would take him anymore as they all said he was unmanageable. He acted exactly how your brother is acting now - doing what he wanted, taking over the house, hanging out with his stoner friends. Add to that the fact he is Aspergers and ADHD and often agressive and you get a volatile situation that regularly explodes.

My parents were around and although they put a stop to his friends hanging out they weren't able to control his behaviour, tantrums etc.

Is there any way you could move in with relatives until the exams are over - unless you can get your mother to sort it out. That's what I ended up doing and it was a big improvement. At least you'll be heading off to college soon enough.

As for calling the gardai or social services - it's unlikely they'll do much. My parents sought help from both in trying to deal with my brother but unfortunately there is effectively no support for families dealing with children with such problems so they basically did nothing. (Anyone who saw Prime Time last night will know what I'm talking about!)

It's a crappy situation and the last thing you need right now. Hope you get it sorted anyway. Good Luck!

Black Swan

I have an older cousin just like your older brother. Booze, drugs, trashing his home, all night parties, blasting music and disturbing the peace. His parents tried to reason with him, and he would not listen. Eventually, he was forced to leave the home. What a looser!

Your mam needs to be informed of this mess, then she should act immediately to resolve the trouble that your older brother is causing. If he does not comply, then it's time for her to tell him to sprout wings and leave the nest.

If your mam will not act to resolve this mess, do you have responsible relatives nearby that you can find a place to study, or if necessary, move in with for the remaining months?

Catari Jaguar

Kharn wrote:

.Call the Gardaí when your brother and his mates are there and have them all arrested.[*]

oooh... I love it. put the sh1ts up them. Tell your bro a drunken friend made a pass at you and you feel scared of them now or something. If no one will listen to logic you might need to be underhand to get your own way.

LundiMardi

Lil Kitten wrote:

Tell your bro a drunken friend made a pass at you and you feel scared of them now or something. If no one will listen to logic you might need to be underhand to get your own way.

No, please do not do this:rolleyes:

sweet-rasmus

sounds exactly like me battling it out with my twin sister. she never studied for the L.C., and it did my head in listening to her blaring music while i tried to study. For this reason i can't stand many singers/ movie soundtracks. Still... some nights drove me mad, and others were silent.

not much can be done about the situation. try to study in the library, so at least you can concentrate. and try talking with your mum some more. good luck!

Rozabeez

My mother is in no way a bad parent, seriously, she HAS tried to put her foot down but nothing works with him. She's a single parent (widowed) and tries her best for all of us, my brother and I are the only two left at home.

I don't want to stop her going away weekends, she's not selfish, she works hard during the week to keep the house going and needs to get away from the tension between my brother and I. If I showed her this thread she'd get upset because of the fact that my brother doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself, she's even admitted that he's selfish, and whenever she does put her foot down, he's at it again the second she takes her eye off him.

She has nearly kicked him out on a number of occasions but she hasn't got the heart to carry that through, and now that he has a job and "plans to go to college next year" (Yeah right he just wants a grant..) she's eased up on him.

His friends did stay away for awhile during the summer when an incident happened and a friend of mine ended up in hospital because of one of them, the guy who caused the trouble hasn't been back but the rest of them are. It can be impossible to get them out of the house and I'm thinking that next time I will have to call the gardaí to get them out, even though it'll cause more tension between my brother and I in the long run.

I'm not going to pretend I have no faults in the family, of course I do...I'm horrible to my brother lately because there's no reasoning with him. I've told him on more than one occasion that he's driving me out of the house next year at 17, but he takes the attitude that I'm just over-dramatic and narky.

LundiMardi

You're mothers parenting doesn't get the weekend off, no matter how hard she finds it, she obviously is not doing enough. She needs to express some tough love. Like it or lump it.

the_syco

Rozabeez wrote:

She has nearly kicked him out on a number of occasions but she hasn't got the heart to carry that through, and now that he has a job and "plans to go to college next year" (Yeah right he just wants a grant..) she's eased up on him.

No LC, no college. Not even a PLC.

Rozabeez

Oh he did the LC, he did quite well for someone who never went to school...kinda sad to think what he'd have gotten had he tried harder, he got about 260.

Anyhoo, I sent him an email, its the only way I can get him to read my opinions without it turning into a row, I was calm and friendly, hopefully he'll pay attention. I mailed one of the friends as well, one of the more decent ones.

I just spoke to my mam, told her about the email and she's going to try and talk to him again if this doesn't work.

Thanks for the advice, its nice to know people have been in the same position and understand the stress of it, I'll let you know how the email thing goes.

thebman

Rozabeez wrote:

My mother is in no way a bad parent, seriously, she HAS tried to put her foot down but nothing works with him. She's a single parent (widowed) and tries her best for all of us, my brother and I are the only two left at home.

I don't want to stop her going away weekends, she's not selfish, she works hard during the week to keep the house going and needs to get away from the tension between my brother and I. If I showed her this thread she'd get upset because of the fact that my brother doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself, she's even admitted that he's selfish, and whenever she does put her foot down, he's at it again the second she takes her eye off him.

She has nearly kicked him out on a number of occasions but she hasn't got the heart to carry that through, and now that he has a job and "plans to go to college next year" (Yeah right he just wants a grant..) she's eased up on him.

His friends did stay away for awhile during the summer when an incident happened and a friend of mine ended up in hospital because of one of them, the guy who caused the trouble hasn't been back but the rest of them are. It can be impossible to get them out of the house and I'm thinking that next time I will have to call the gardaí to get them out, even though it'll cause more tension between my brother and I in the long run.

I'm not going to pretend I have no faults in the family, of course I do...I'm horrible to my brother lately because there's no reasoning with him. I've told him on more than one occasion that he's driving me out of the house next year at 17, but he takes the attitude that I'm just over-dramatic and narky.

This is your leaving cert and your life. Your mother should understand that and be willing to stay home to make sure everything is okay for a while. It is a temporary problem until after you sit the leaving, not a permanent thing and anyway he shouldn't be doing this and he isn't so she needs to do something that will solve the problem.

Your brother seems like a real ass but your mother doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. If she needs to kick him out of the house then she should do it. She should at least threaten him with it and say that if he brings his mates around when your studying anymore then he's out. If he does then she needs to follow through and kick him out, at least for a while. Why can't your brother go to his mates house instead of yours constantly.

Its ridiculous situation to put you in where you want to do well in your leaving but your mother won't help you out by getting your brother to behave. Its a nightmare situation to be in and she needs to step up and do a little more to help you instead of ignoring the problem or just saying to him to stop it. She needs to take action in this situation.

thebman

Rozabeez wrote:

Oh he did the LC, he did quite well for someone who never went to school...kinda sad to think what he'd have gotten had he tried harder, he got about 260.

Anyhoo, I sent him an email, its the only way I can get him to read my opinions without it turning into a row, I was calm and friendly, hopefully he'll pay attention. I mailed one of the friends as well, one of the more decent ones.

I just spoke to my mam, told her about the email and she's going to try and talk to him again if this doesn't work.

Thanks for the advice, its nice to know people have been in the same position and understand the stress of it, I'll let you know how the email thing goes.

Might consider pointing your brother towards this thread to see what people think of what he's at. He is clearly in the wrong here but doesn't seem to realise it or is too big an ass to do anything about it.

Rozabeez

She was home last weekend, and even though I came home with a few drinks on me she took my side and kicked him and his friends out. She's going to be away this weekend and that's it 'till mid January, so when she's here things should be ok for awhile, I just hope they don't fall back into the habit of things if she even goes out for the night.

I do not expect her to stay home every weekend, I don't want her to either.

I'd rather not show him this thread because there would be a row then..

DublinWriter

Rozabeez, good for you, you're obviously far more intelligent and mature than your brother, maybe the genes skipped a sibling?

A short term solution, I know it probably sounds trite, is to get yourself down to your local chemist and ask for 'Quies' ear-plugs. You'll be stone deaf if you use them correctly, and if you have your own physical space in the house, then noise won't be an issue.

A long term solution would be to get your brother in check, but that's not going to happen anytime soon, unless you threaten to have the guards come around and bust his little stoner parties. Wasters like that are like a bad smell that you can't get rid of.

Either way, I think it's up to your Mum, not you, to get him in check. If she can't do it, then it will have to be drastic measures on your part.

ats

Rozabeez wrote:

I do not expect her to stay home every weekend, I don't want her to either.

I'd rather not show him this thread because there would be a row then..

the thing is she has a duty of care to you until you are 18 (i'm assuming your younger) so can't have teh weekend off if it suits her. parenting is a 24/7 job for 18 years minimum, no get out of jail free card.

that said she is entitled to some alone time, but not every weekend.

I tink its good she came in on your side. this is one of the most important years of your life. how well you do in 6 months will determing for the most part what you do for the next 5-10 years.

the library is a great place to study, away from any distractions. when i did the LC i studied at home, and stragnly enough with access to teh TV and radio i pretty muched flunked it. 15 years later i'm in a degree program in TCD. I took 2 weeks off before teh exams and spent every day from 9 - 7 in teh college library. teh only distractions was soem music, which i learned over time to not distract me and of course the young college women.;) but if ya sit in the darkest corners they're not too much of a distraction came out 5ith in a class of about 40 people. considering teh personal issues i was facing at that time i feel i did exceptionally well as do my family.

I hope things change into teh new year for you, and remember your teachers may be able to offer some assistance. maybe they have study halls set up so you can remain in teh school til later in teh eevnings and on weekends to be away from these distractions.

LegacyUser

'Ring the guards on him they wont come to the house again'

Rozabeez

Right, heard a few of them outside so I locked the front door and went out (we hide a key) and took it with me...so his friends have ****ed off for the night and he's not home yet. He's still locked out and I might not bother opening the door tonight.