Relationship Over :(

LegacyUser

Just broke up with my boyfriend of 1andhalf years almost a month ago, it wasn't a messy breakup and we both promised to remain friends which is making things tougher for me.

Since we still talk regularly I'm finding it tougher to get over him, I do want to maintain our friendship because I do not want to be the petty one who just stops talking to him because he ended it and besides we get on really well too.

I still can't stop thinking about him and want to get back together but I know it won't happen. I want to know what to do to get over him, I know the obvious get out with your friends but being strapped for cash and just moved to a new city, thats quite difficult. With Christmas coming up I don't want to be mopping around the house whilst he's off having a great time, I guess I'm bitter about the whole situation but I don't want him to know......any advice?

Beruthiel

NiamhDublin wrote:

Since we still talk regularly I'm finding it tougher to get over him, I do want to maintain our friendship because I do not want to be the petty one who just stops talking to him because he ended it and besides we get on really well too.

It is not possible to get over someone you still have feelings for if you are seeing/talking on a regular basis.
Simply put, you have to cut total contact with him for at least 6 months. This will give you time to move on. Then if you find that you have moved on, get in contact.
There is no other way round this.

Steyr

What happened to have him end it?

filthygorgeous

I agree with the previous poster, seeing him as a friend will only serve as a reminder of your heartbreak.

You know what they say, the only way to get over some one is get under some one else

LegacyUser

Going through something similar myself. Ended a 6 yr relationship recently, well it was mutual, it had definately run its course. But we are in constant contact since then. And that was 4 months ago.

Decided a couple of days ago to try and sever ties for a while. It's the only way I think. Recently found out that she was seeing someone else and its still eating at me. Of course she is right to move on but its hard knowing that your place has been taken in someones life.

I can't offer a solution to you now OP cos i'm pretty much in the same place as you are. But I think space is the best thing. Give it time. Stay around friends as much as possible and try not to think about - in other words, try and stay around other people so you won't have time to think.

Good luck. You'll be fine. At least you aren't having the withdrawal syntoms from a 6 year relationship like I am - so it could be worse!

Sleepy

Have a chat with him about this. Tell him that you're finding it hard to get over him when you're still seeing so much of him and would it be okay with him for you guys to have a bit of a break before trying to be friends. No texts/calls/meetings for a couple of months and you'll be fine. Have done this a few times myself and usually manage to stay friends with the girl no matter who did the breaking up.

Nalz

all this sort of stuff is tough, take it from an unlucky guy like me who fell bigtime for a girl in his first relationship and lasted 4 years with her, only for her to end it and leave me gutted. We were best mates n lived in one anothers pockets, both got on with one anothers families bla bla bla. Anyhow I got really down, started ignoring people one minute, then bugging them the next wanting to talk about it. I drank alot, started back on the cigarrattes, thought and said alot of weird shít, cried my eyes out n got angry, went off with girls I usually wouldnt etc...this went on for a good 2 months.

My advice to you really is to leave things alone. Get in touch with old friends you haven't seen in a while, fill your day with things you like. Get active n get goin. Learn to be yourself again.

Dont whinge to evry half friend ya got
Dont get angry and shut out people either
Dont go on the booze every night
Dont text him at 4 in the morning, think really carefully before you say or do anything (its scary thinkin bout the things I said and thought!)
Dont start smoking
Dont pick your nose

Its hard around Christmas alright, but ya got to focus. Try and spend your time with the other important people in your life - your family and friends. Fella's will come and go, just ride out this mini storm if ya can. I dont think the whole friend thing will work IMO...but people are different, and if it does work it will probably take time

dirtyboy

Well at least you broke up this time of year.. you have the xmas parties coming up with lots of booze and potential encounters with hot boys to get your mind off your ex...

AnonoBoy

Staying friends is something people say. I don't know why they say it but they always seem to do it and very rarely does it work.

If you've been in a serious relationship it's extremely hard to stay friends with someone - that means seeing them go out with other people etc and expecting yourself to be ok with that.

If it had only been a very short-term thing then maybe it'd be fine but you've been together for too long to be able to remain friends.

Now I don't mean be a bitch to him, but texting each other frequently should be out. Calling each other should be out. Be nice and civil if you meet him but don't organise to meet him.

You need space and you need to keep busy. As someone said get back in touch with old friends, hang around more with your new friends and don't turn into a whinger. Your friends will be understanding but they really won't want to be around you if you're constantly going on about him.

Good luck.

watna

I had the same problem with my ex.... I thought we broke up mutually for the usual reasons so it was hard to get over. you start wondering why you broke up if you still get on so well.

Anyhoo..... I found out 5 months after we broke up that the real reason we broke up was because he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend (we'd been together for two and half years so she'd been his ex for a while) He also told me he'd cheated on me with her for the last three months of our relationship. After that I severed ties and wouldn't talk to or see him.

I got over him much quicker that way so I reccommend you stop talking to your ex. Obviously it'd be easier if, like me he turned out to be a complete w**ker but you need to have the willpower to not see him. It'll help you in the long run!

whiskeyman

Time and space is the real healer in these cases.
I've just come out of a relationship and I'm heartbroken from it.
As much as I want to keep being friends with her (we knew each other for years before), I know I have to cut all ties from her.
It's so hard after being with each other, talking to each other, emailing and txting every day... all this contact is so hard to get over at first, but I believe over time you move on.
The key is keeping your mind occupied and focused elsewhere.

Best of luck

Nalz

Time and space is needed, but so are your friends. I'll say one thing that you'll find difficult as a short time goes by....is that if you have mutual friends. That can be a killer. Ive only 1 really good mutual friend with my ex, its still a little awkward as she's friends with us both and we dont speak! Its weird sharing a bed with someone for years, then someone gets bored, ya have a row, and your arch enemies before you know it! Weird, but thats life

Mrs_Doyle

I am so sure I know you, or at least, I know someone in exactly the same situation as you.

Like Beruthiel said, for your own sanity you need to distance yourself from this guy.
You need to cut contact with him, because this 'friendship' is just confusing you.
Also, and I swear if you are the person I think you are, this guy, he dumped you, but he cant bear to think that you might not like him anymore.
He needs to know you still like him, that you still have time for him, but he is not prepared to give you the things that you want from him.

I am not saying he is a bad person, but he certainly isn't doing you any favours.

Be strong, cut ties and give your head some peace.

hunnymonster

when I broke up with my ex (8 year relationship) we didn't see each other for 3 months and after that it was fine. I'm quite good friends with him and his wife now. Time really helps. The other thing that helps is to get really busy. Take a night class or try a new sport.... anything that involves new people.

Black Swan

You need a little space. Tell him this. Then after awhile, the friendship can resume. And make sure you get out and have some fun over the holidays!

CathyMoran

I think that you should lessen contact for a while and explain to him why as Sleepy said. I stayed friends with my first love and it was much harder, we took a break during the summer and that really helped and are back friends again.

She-Ra

When I broke up with someone after 4 years i was in constant contact with him, it made it so much harder to get over it (he thought it would help if he told me about his conquests and everything... he was an a$$hole) But the only reason I finally got over it was because I cut contact, I'd say change your number and no matter how hard the urge is to text him hold back.. it'll be so much better for you in the long run. And it WILL get better

cornbb

Wow, talking about looking in the mirror.

I'm in a similar situation to the OP, I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years about a month ago. It wasn't particularly nastly but she asked to be left alone for a while, which is fair enough. I sent her a text last week - when she didn't reply it really wrecked my head. After reading this thread I've realised what she might be thinking and that maybe its the best way forward. I'm pretty sure she's not ignoring me because she hates me.

It is pretty headwrecking and lonely to completely fall out of contact with someone you loved for years. But maybe its for the best after all.

Kell

NiamhDublin wrote:

Since we still talk regularly I'm finding it tougher to get over him,

Then why persist in dangling a carrot in front of your face to never be able to reach out and grab it. You must have some stomach for kicking yourself.

NiamhDublin wrote:

I do not want to be the petty one who just stops talking to him

:rolleyes: Quite a comment there about your emotional maturity. You would not be petty by breaking contact. Its called "self preservation" and quite reasonable.

NiamhDublin wrote:

I want to know what to do to get over him

Easy- quit all contact.

NiamhDublin wrote:

With Christmas coming up I don't want to be mopping around the house whilst he's off having a great time

:rolleyes: Another comment about your emotional maturity. Why are you deluding yourself with the idea that he is off having a great time? Why are you playing the downtrod? He is probably one morose motherfúcker at the moment who is probably just as torn up about things as you are but thinks its "manly" to hide these facts from you. Sure- he'll be off getting píssed, but when he comes home on his tod he'll be crying his l'il eyes out over losing the best he ever had. Treat it as his loss and smile.

K-

dvega

Oh the joys of it! My gf broke up with me few months ago and i too was gutted,i tried my hardest to get back with her but all i got was lets just remain friends for the moment,she even text me for my birthday last week just been nice i suppose but i soon found out to get over her and move on i had to quit all contact,i even saw her recently and i know she saw me and even if she was pretending or not it really looked like she was completely moved on even when i talked to her for the few mins,she was talking to me as if we hadnt seen each other in years so when i came home i vowed that i wouldnt text her anymore no matter how hard it was,im going to oz in feb for a few months so this should gimme time to move on.

Maybe one day you'll meet him again,everyone has their reasons and im sure he has his,time to move on and to do that you have to quit all contact.And
when you know your completely over him then you can make contact again.

Húrin

NiamhDublin wrote:

I still can't stop thinking about him and want to get back together but I know it won't happen. I want to know what to do to get over him, I know the obvious get out with your friends but being strapped for cash and just moved to a new city, thats quite difficult. With Christmas coming up I don't want to be mopping around the house whilst he's off having a great time, I guess I'm bitter about the whole situation but I don't want him to know......any advice?

I doubt he'll be out having fun, he probably feels the same way.

Mighty_Mouse

I reckon 99% of the time at least one partner in the relationship has something else lined up before the break-up is finalised.

Contact is no good. Just increases the pain. Its really hard to lose someone you know so well from your life.

Like a death in the family I reckon. But ultimately a better option that watching you ex move on. Find another love, get engaged, have babies etc etc etc

A life long misery as opposed to a tough 6 months.

Finally, always always view it as their mistake. never give in to self-doubt and never give-in to begging somebody to be in your life. There is no happiness in it.

Ya just gotta be a self-built, self-preserved, independant person who is willing to find a partner.

As opposed to a person that needs a relationship to keep them going.

my 2 c anyways.