How to deal with my son, my ex and his new wife?

LegacyUser

Hi and help!

I'm a frequent reader and member but for obvious reasons have had to go unregistered. Not sure if I have posted in the right place. Sorry if I have it wrong!

I have a child with an English guy whom I was with for 6 years. We lived in Ireland for 5 years and towards the end of the 5th year we split up briefly. We decided to give things another try and moved to the UK for a fresh start in July 2004. In May 05 we split up again permanently.

I decided it was best to stay living in the UK so that my son could have both his parents together in one place even though I don't like living here all that much. I do miss home terribly.

About 2 or 3 months after we split up, I was told by my sons’ nursery that a woman picked him up the previous Friday. (Our arrangement was that he would have him Friday after nursery/crèche until he dropped him off at nursery on Monday morning. As you can imagine I was shocked because as far as I was concerned no-one should be collecting him other than me or his Dad. Apparently my ex had called the crèche and told them a woman would be collecting my son and that my son knew her.

To make a long story short, this was my first encounter of his new girlfriend.

Since then, my ex has been palming off a lot of responsibility on his new partner in relation to our son. For the first few months it cause a lot of heartache for me because I didn’t know who she was, where she lived or any of the normal details you would want to have of any person who was looking after you child. Of course my ex and his partner made out as if I was being over protective, neurotic and controlling for wanting to know what was happening with my child.

In Jan this year, my ex told me that she was pregnant and that she was due in Aug 06. While I was happy for them both and wished them both the best of luck, I was obviously concerned about how this was going to affect my son (I come from an unsuccessful step-family myself). I was happy that my son was going to have a brother or sister because it is something I wanted for him myself but I was also scared of what it might mean for him. I have always known that his father will always be a strong part of his life no matter what. I guess it was also a shock for me because it made me realise that there was no hope of reconciliation for me and my ex even though I was the one who ended the relationship in the first place. I did this because I knew he didn’t love me although I still loved him.

In Feb 06, my son mentioned that Daddy and his girlfriend were getting married. When I asked my ex about this he told me that my son was just making up stories etc and that there was no way he was getting married in the near future. About 3 weeks later, his girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her and my son. I thought that this was an effort to form some sort of “relationship”, I won’t say friendship. I accepted and it was all very nice. When I asked how come she was off work that day, she said she just wanted a bit of time off. When I gave her a lift home her phone kept ringing and it seemed she had some friends in town for the weekend. Of course I didn’t think anything of it at the time. It was the weekend of my 30th birthday.

My ex dropped my son around to me on the Monday morning as usual (he hadn’t started school yet) and I invited him in for coffee and we chatted and it was yet again, all fine. That night my son said to me that Daddy was married at the weekend. I laughed it off again but my son insisted it was true and that the girlfriend had been wearing a white dress. So I got him off to sleep and later I called my ex.

So apparently they got married that weekend and didn’t bother to tell me that it was happening. They both lied to my face and left it to my poor son to tell his Mother what was happening. The excuse was that he didn’t want me to stop my son from attending. To me, that was just an excuse because he was too chicken to tell me what was going on. He knows well that I’m quite easygoing and if treated with an ounce of respect, it wouldn’t have been an issue.

OK, so after this happened I realised that I couldn’t trust him to inform me what was happening in my sons life so that I can be involved in the decisions concerning him.

Examples of his behaviour:

Tried to leave me with 3000 euro of debt which is half his even though he has a 60,000 euro salaried job while I am on Lone Parents!
When asked to call me if he can’t look after our son, he doesn’t and just leaves him with his wife.
Can’t afford to look after his first child and then gets someone else pregnant after only knowing her for 3 months.
Promised the child a birthday party and then reneged on it, leaving him disappointed.
He uses his wife to pass all information to me in relation to money (child support), my son, school arrangements etc.

So, I eventually caved in and decided to do what’s best for my son (as usual) and tried to form a relationship with his new step-mother. When she went into labour, they had no money for a taxi and I brought them to the hospital at 5AM! I helped them to move house etc. I brought them home from the hospital. Which of course they were grateful for… or so I thought.

So since their new baby was born 3 months ago, they have more or less pushed me back out of the picture. They don’t answer the phone when my son is with them, she is very cold towards me, doesn’t let me anywhere near their new baby.

This morning I went along to see my son at his swimming lessons and they were all there. She didn’t say hello to me and practically ignored me. I asked her could I hold the baby (my sons’ sister!) and she just said a flat “No”. I was quite stunned so didn’t say anything. Then when the lesson was over my son and his father and I went to get him dressed. I mentioned to my ex that my father was coming over this weekend and that I was sure that he would love to meet my sons new sister. My gorgeous son straight away piped up that his step mother “doesn’t want your Dad to meet the baby”.

I am heartbroken by this whole situation. It seems that there is one rule for them and another for me. It’s not as though I want to see the child every week or even mind the kid, but the baby is my sons’ sister and I would like to have some sort of “relationship” with that child. Or at least that the child gets to know me and I her, so that I can relate to my son when he talks about his little sister whom he loves so much.

Why is it ok for her to do everything for my child and I’m neurotic for being/having been defensive about that but it’s ok for her to not want me or my family anywhere near her child? My feeling is that if my ex knew that she was going to be like that with me, then why did he take her to the lesson when he knew that I was going to be there too and that from her demeanour, it was going to be awkward?!

He wants me to go to a mediation appointment with him next week because he wants joint custody of our child. He says that he wants equal rights. I can understand that.

I don’t want to sign it because I feel like it’s signing a warrant for me to never be able to leave England and come back to Ireland. He has said they will not move there. She refuses to. I want to eventually come home. My son was born in Dublin and I want him to grow up there (or at least in Ireland). I am currently studying and hoping to start university next September.

I know this has been a long post but I thought I better give a full background before asking for advice.

So, any thoughts anyone? How do I deal with this?

Carrigart Exile

Really really tough. You, by the sound of it (I know there are two sides to every story) have behaved very well. Don't get upset about the wedding thing, not telling your ex is a common thing (it can sound a bit like rubbing faces in it). With regard to the new baby, keep the relationship with your son and his wee sister but you back off a little, remember how protective you would have felt when you were a new mum in this situation (and remember you are also a threat to his new wife, you're the ex). Be strong and glad for your son, don't let it embitter you and let time do the healing. That's my tuppence worth from a dad who was once in a similar situation

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply!

The thing is, they both expect me to back off... But when it comes to her, she wants to do everything for my son. Organise his birthdays, take him to meet her parents, has already taken him to see Santa, the turning on of the Christmas lights, sending all of his classmates Christmas Cards etc... It may sound as though I'm bitter but really I'm not. I'm glad my ex is happy with someone else and I'm glad he has chosen a partner who cares about my son. I just feel that they push so much to do everything with my son but when the shoe is on the other foot, I'm not allowed to get involved with their daughter. I think it's terrible that she could say that she doesn't want her child to have anything to do with my family and to have said that in front of my son!

I don't know how to tackle this new issue with my ex now.

Suaimhneach

You need to address the issue of your ex and his new wife talking about you in a negative light when you're not there[or when you are there]. And the issue of him relaying messages to you from them through your child. This will have a huge negative effect on him, if you ask me. Parental grown up issues are seperate to children.

As for your sons new sister, I can understand your wanting to know her. But I can also understand her mothers reluctance to let a relationship or bond to form. Considering the current situation, any bond could be broken at any time, and its probably better to keep her daughter safe.

Your ex seems to be very inconsiderate and stubborn. I wouldnt want to give him joint custody even if he is entitled to it. Moving back to Ireland might be quite a difficult thing to manage.

It seems like an unfortunate situation. You should talk to the mediator and hope they can help.

Hope you're okay, you seem very level headed about the whole situation. :

KdjaCL

2 sides to every story here we have one well thought out one.

Simple solution to all your problems is come home.

your a single paretn therefore you raise your child as you see fit, and looking at the above you not happy over there and only there for child to see father who pawns him off to his wife.

Get out of the situation and moce back home.


kdjac

Carrigart Exile

Tearinghairout wrote:

Thanks for the reply!

The thing is, they both expect me to back off... But when it comes to her, she wants to do everything for my son. Organise his birthdays, take him to meet her parents, has already taken him to see Santa, the turning on of the Christmas lights, sending all of his classmates Christmas Cards etc... It may sound as though I'm bitter but really I'm not. I'm glad my ex is happy with someone else and I'm glad he has chosen a partner who cares about my son. I just feel that they push so much to do everything with my son but when the shoe is on the other foot, I'm not allowed to get involved with their daughter. I think it's terrible that she could say that she doesn't want her child to have anything to do with my family and to have said that in front of my son!

I don't know how to tackle this new issue with my ex now.

The new girlfriend certainly sounds pushy, maybe she is trying too hard. I know trying to keep everything normal for a half brother/sister and indeed making a fuss of them can be a way to make them feel part of life with their new siblings. Again, all I can say is bite your tongue, step back a little and let things settle down.

Carrigart Exile

KdjaCL wrote:

2 sides to every story here we have one well thought out one.

Simple solution to all your problems is come home.

your a single paretn therefore you raise your child as you see fit, and looking at the above you not happy over there and only there for child to see father who pawns him off to his wife.

Get out of the situation and moce back home.


kdjac

I don't think that is the case, her ex is trying to make his new g/f be involved in the raising of his family, the worst thing that could happen is he ends up with 'our daughter and your son to her' situation which is where these extended relationships can end up.

dixiefly

I agree that you should come home. You are letting your life be totally dictated by them. They are using you when it suits them and then totally shutting you out when they want. This is totally head wrecking stuff.

Start dropping hints to your son about coming back to Ireland and start planning the logistics of the move. You need YOUR life to start again. Things can only get worse in your relationship with your ex and his wife not better. As the years go by they will need you less and thus shut you out more.

BTW, there is a website called www.rollercoaster.ie that has a very godd discussion forum on Family Relationships and you would get good advice on that forum.

secret_squirrel

I tend to agree with the posters telling you to come home with your son.

I can only see two outcomes from this :

1. You stay in the uk becoming increasingly unhappy as you slowly lose your son to his new family.

2. You come home, as soon as possible, so you can get on with your life. Bear in mind you are going to hurt your son when you do this - so soonest done soonest mended.

I dont see a happy ending or even a happy compromise here, your Ex and his new wife want to selfishly play happy families whilst ignoring your feelings.

The only longterm fix for you is to put your feelings above the shortterm happiness of your son and come home.

Good luck, horrible situation to be in.

EKRIUQ

I'm after reading the full post and to be honest alot of things just don't add up, Are you jealous of the life that your ex is now living?. And who would blame his new wife for not wanting his ex around!. Could you be interfearing with their lives.

He wants me to go to a mediation appointment with him next week because he wants joint custody of our child. He says that he wants equal rights. I can understand that.

Why can't you understand that he is his son after all, maybe the impression that your giving is that your using your son to get back at him and as a bargaining tool.

When she went into labour, they had no money for a taxi and I brought them to the hospital at 5AM! I helped them to move house etc.

He's earning €60,000 a year and he hasn't got €10 for a taxi Why don't you mention he used to leave the toilet seat up !!!Shock Horror!!! you seem to be giving a very one sided account of things.

Your ex's wife made an effort but what ever impression you gave she's not going to try again.

You should lead your life and stop interfering with your ex anymore if you think moving back to Ireland is going to benefit your son more than being close to his father then do it.

The_Conductor

Very difficult one.
It sounds essentially as though your ex is trying to play happy families with his new wife, your son, and his new child.
While going to mediation is all well and good- unless your ex has just cause, he is not automatically entitled to joint custody of your child- visitation rights etc yes, joint custody- not necessarily.

What you really have to accept is that your ex has moved on, and now has a new life with a new partner. Unfortunately, with the exception of your interaction in your sons life, you are not part of their life- and his new wife's attempts to exclude you from their life is simply a reflection of this- nothing more.

If you are deeply unhappy with the way things are- unfortunately you have to accept that the situation has changed, and that you are going to have to reflect this new situation in your life. If this means moving back to Ireland and bringing your son with you, and making a new life for yourself in Ireland- so be it.

Trying to fit in with your ex and his new wife is plainly not working- she has a new family, of which you are not part in her eyes. Unfortunately you have to recognise changed circumstances and adapt in a manner most beneficial to you and your son.

darkflower

Originally Posted by BingoBongo
You should lead your life and stop interfering with your ex anymore if you think moving back to Ireland is going to benefit your son more than being close to his father then do it.

I agree. You no longer have place on their part and it will only hurt you all the more. Give yourself some respect. Move on girl!;)

Carrigart Exile

smccarrick wrote:

Very difficult one.
It sounds essentially as though your ex is trying to play happy families with his new wife, your son, and his new child.
While going to mediation is all well and good- unless your ex has just cause, he is not automatically entitled to joint custody of your child- visitation rights etc yes, joint custody- not necessarily.

What you really have to accept is that your ex has moved on, and now has a new life with a new partner. Unfortunately, with the exception of your interaction in your sons life, you are not part of their life- and his new wife's attempts to exclude you from their life is simply a reflection of this- nothing more.

If you are deeply unhappy with the way things are- unfortunately you have to accept that the situation has changed, and that you are going to have to reflect this new situation in your life. If this means moving back to Ireland and bringing your son with you, and making a new life for yourself in Ireland- so be it.

Trying to fit in with your ex and his new wife is plainly not working- she has a new family, of which you are not part in her eyes. Unfortunately you have to recognise changed circumstances and adapt in a manner most beneficial to you and your son.

Remember you may need to agree you moving back to Ireland with your ex, he is entitled to normal access to his son and you moving back to Ireland could be seen as putting impediments in the way

tensecyclist

if moving out from that place would bring you back your lost pride then out you go. don't keep holding on to what seems invisible ties.

sinsin

I have to agree with BingoBongo.
IMO their daughter is non of Your business.
When You have a new partner..your attitude will change quickly.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all your feedback everyone. It's good to get a balanced set of views.

To the people who say that I have nothing to do with their new child, would it not be fair to say that if that is the viewpoint taken, then shouldn't she have nothing to do with my child? Just because she has married his father does not automatically give her rights over my son. This is not my opinion by the way, just another point of view.

That child is the sister of my son. Isn't it fair to think that my son would like me to get to know his sister and that although it's a difficult situation you have to put the childrens feelings first? Why is it ok for her to take my son to meet her parents who are of no relation to my son either but when my son would like his Grandfather to meet his new sister, thats not ok? The situation is the same for each child in relation to meeting their siblings Grandparents. Why is it one rule for one child but another for the other child?

Since the weekend, my son has come home to me and said that his stepmother discussed with him that his Grandad is not his sisters family. My son seems to be quite upset about this. Surely this is not something that anyone should be saying to a 5 year old? He has also come back saying that she has said that I am cruel. My gut feeling is that I need to keep him away from an environment where his family and especially his mother is being run down to him.

I was surprised by the number of people who said I should go back to Ireland. It's something I had wanted to do, but thought that it was the selfish thing to do. Now I'm not so sure. To those who have given that advice, thank you for giving me something to think about.

As to those who have told me to get some respect for myself and stop being jealous, well really all I can say is that I'm far from jealous of their relationship. I feel sorry for them both. He is an emotional cripple who is controlling, abusive and a complete liar and manipulator who has married someone ten years younger than him because someone his own age would see right through him. She is an immature 23 old who has gotten saddled with a child, and a step family and hasn't got a clue about what she is doing. I on the otherhand, know my faults and work hard to do things better, I've been a single parent for 18 months struggling in a country where I don't belong, to give my son the best life (and most stable life possible) I possibly can while going to college so that I can change career. I have been the one constant thing in my sons life since the breakdown of our relationship. I am not the one to get someone pregnant, change jobs twice, move house twice, get married in the space of 6 months. I have plenty of respect for myself thank you!

If you have any more thoughts on the first 4 paragraphs of this post, I would be very grateful.

Oiche maith '

dixiefly

Will going to college effect your opportunity to move back home?

I think that considering the total situation you are in that you should cut your losses regarding the other family. In an ideal world it would be best for you to keep good contact with the young girl but that is not possible unless there is a complete change of heart on the other side. Try to build up YOUR life again. Use the times your son goes over to them as an OPPORTUNITY for you to do something that will develop yourself and meet other people. I know it's not an easy thing to do but you need to think where you you would like to be in say 5 years time, 10 years etc. I know that you may meet someone new and that could change your life dramatically. Try and avoid having your son as your only contact and glue to where you are living.

If you come to the unmistakeable conclusion that your life (and consequentally your son's life) is better served by a move back home then you should work towards that. Your ex partner may not be too pleased but he now has his life and you can point out that flight costs are not that high. In fact it might improve the overall relationship with them as you will no longer be perceived to be a threat and you getting your life on track will probably generate a certain level of grudging respect from them.

Anyway best of luck with your decision and remember that you must do best for you for your sake and also your son's sake as it is no good for him to have a mum that is upset like this and unsure as to where her life is going.

Carrigart Exile

She has no rights over your son and by the sound of some of the nonsense she is telling him she needs to take a step back. You are correct that his wee sister should know her extended family, hopefully this is just a 'new mum' thing but I think the tinme has come to have a word, preferably with her directly, if you try to go through your ex he will just sanitise the process.

Its not selfish to want to go back home but check the position legally, the father has rights to reasonable access and would probably have to agree to you taking your son back to Ireland

The fact your ex has got himself a new partner doessn't mean he has been there for your son, by the sound of it that is your one achilles heel (and by Gawd we all have them) and you do sound bitter.

Good luck for you and your son's future, I am sure with a fantastic mum like you he will grow up very happy and here's hoping the rantings of a 23 year old calm down and mature.

as I said, from a dad who's been there

Lust4Life

OP, I must say that you really do sound like your heart is in the right place.


However, in reading all that you've said, I feel the need to warn you. It sounds to me like this upcoming mediation could get ugly.
If the new wife is indeed stepping in and doing things that would normally be expected of you, they may be doing these sorts of things on purpose as documentation so that they can eventually push for full custody.

I hate to sound negative, but it does look like a possibility from what you have stated. Maybe you're being too nice in this situation and it could hurt you more in the end.

I would say try to keep the doors of communication open, but don't try to get too involved in their little family unit.

As someone had stated, you are a threat to the new wife. She may be nice on the outside, but you don't hear their discussions when you are not present.

As I say, it is only a possibility. I hate to sound negative. But you ought to prepare yourself for the worst just in case.

And I DO wish you the best!

LegacyUser

OP,

I don't want to sound alarmist but I agree with the last post and had been going to say this before I even read it.

I would watch out and I would NOT give your ex joint custody. It does sound like they are taking over with your son and pushing for situations where he is looked after by his new step-mother. A few months down the line they could look for full custody of your son, saying that you regularly dump him on them and that they bear the brunt of caring for him anyway and that they have formed a strong family bond and are a stable family unit etc. Also, the negative talk about you will stick in your son's mind. They could be doing this purposely so that if anyone asks him he will answer positively about living with his "new family".

As the other posters have said, move home if you can. As it is you are away from the support of having your own family support close by. Encourage your ex to have regular access to your son and visitation etc but DO NOT agree to joint custody. Try not to go to the mediation on your own. Bring someone to support you so that you are not pressurised into agreeing to something that you may regret.

You sound like a very sensible, level-headed woman to me. Keep up your plans to go to university but look into doing it in Dublin if possible. I'm a student parent and never underestimate the value of family support and help with babysitting when you're studying, finishing assignments etc.

Best of Luck!

dame

OP,

I agree with the last post. It was the feeling I got reading your original post and had been going to post this even before I read down through all the replies.

I don't want to alarm you but I would be wary of them trying to gain full custody of your son. It sounds to me like they are trying to engineer situations where your son is with them and in the care of their of their new family and in the care of his step-mum in particular. Down the line they could say that you are constantly abandoning your son to their care and that they should have full custody as they look after him so much of the time already, have built up such a strong bond and that they provide a stable happy home life for him that you, as a single mother, living away from your own family, simply cannot provide.

The talking negatively about you will stick in your son's head. It may even be done deliberately so that if asked his opinion by a social worker or anyone down the line, he will be positive about living with his new family and perhaps subconsciously not be as positive about living with you as he knows his father and step-mum frown on you.

My advice;
(1) DO NOT GIVE YOUR EX JOINT CUSTODY. If he gets joint custody then he's a step closer to gaining full custody if that's what he's aiming for.
(2) Bring someone strong and whom you trust with you to any mediation you enter into. You will benefit from their support and feel better able to stand up against your ex (you've said yourself he's a bully).
(3) Move home to Ireland if you can at all. Don't underestimate the support of family being nearby when you're studying and finishing assignments etc for your university course (can you do a similar course in Dublin?). The bit of distance shouldn't damage your son much if your ex is serious about visitation and speaks regularly to your son by phone in between visits. As other posters have already pointed out - flights are cheap. In fact, the distance could actually be good for your son and your own relationship with him if it removes him from the air of negativity towards you that he is currently exposed to.
(4) Do make it clear that you want and appreciate your ex being a big part of your son's life and encourage your ex to visit whenever he can.
(5) Lastly, I know you haven't been doing this but don't stoop to their level by speaking ill of them to your son. Remain as dignified as you are and as your son grows older he will appreciate all you do for him and recognise that his father and step-mum are talking rubbish when they speak ill of you.

Good Luck OP, Keep up the study, you won't regret it!
Best of luck for the future!