Feelings for flatmate

LegacyUser

Hi,

I know this isn't the first type of this thread, but I guess I just need to get it off my chest.

I've started (over the last 2 month or so) to develop feeling for my flatmate. We've lived together for about a year and from the start got on well. We like the same things and can generally talk about anything. So I thought, wow I'm lucky, I've found a really good flatmate (the one before her was a bit of a nightmare). All was going well until about 2 month ago. We'd normally see each other most days of the week (unless I went home for the weekend) and we'd go out for a drink at least once a week.

But about 2 month ago I started to feel attracted to her, this has been building and is getting hard to ignore. I haven't said it straight out to her, but have dropped hints to see how she would react. The problem is that since I started to try and let her know how I feel she has become a bit more distant towards me.

I'm assuming this is because she knows and is trying to let me down gently. I don't know what to do now. Should i back off and try to deal with it. Say something directly to her and see what her reaction is (although I don't want to freak her out and ruin our friendship)

I really like living wiht her and spending time with her but it's really fustrating that I might sit beside her and can't put my arm around her or be close to her.
Has anyone else been in this situation, who can give me some advice on what to do?

Katykaboom

if she is a bit distant the likelyhood is that she is feeling a bit awkward because you are making it known you like her, its not nice to hear, but maybe she just doesnt feel the same.

I was in a kind of similar situation and was beside myself, when my other friend went out with him one night and started fishing for a bit of information (subtley Ive been told) and it turns out he wasnt interested. Broke my heart at the time but atleast I know now! Maybe you could get someone to do the same? Fishing for a bit of information wouldnt hurt if it was done correctly and you could save face and perhaps any awkwardness?

hope it works out for ya!

Carrigart Exile

Unreg9999 wrote:

Hi,

I know this isn't the first type of this thread, but I guess I just need to get it off my chest.

I've started (over the last 2 month or so) to develop feeling for my flatmate. We've lived together for about a year and from the start got on well. We like the same things and can generally talk about anything. So I thought, wow I'm lucky, I've found a really good flatmate (the one before her was a bit of a nightmare). All was going well until about 2 month ago. We'd normally see each other most days of the week (unless I went home for the weekend) and we'd go out for a drink at least once a week.

But about 2 month ago I started to feel attracted to her, this has been building and is getting hard to ignore. I haven't said it straight out to her, but have dropped hints to see how she would react. The problem is that since I started to try and let her know how I feel she has become a bit more distant towards me.

I'm assuming this is because she knows and is trying to let me down gently. I don't know what to do now. Should i back off and try to deal with it. Say something directly to her and see what her reaction is (although I don't want to freak her out and ruin our friendship)

I really like living wiht her and spending time with her but it's really fustrating that I might sit beside her and can't put my arm around her or be close to her.
Has anyone else been in this situation, who can give me some advice on what to do?

You haven't said if you are a guy or girl, which of course could add to teh complication? One thing, she may not want to mess up her living arrangement by getting it together with her flatmate and then having concerns what to do should you fall out. Be cool, stay friendly and back off a little, let her do the chasing if that's what happens.

Caliden

I would avoid making any moves, if it doesnt work out it would be really awkward and most likely one of you would move out.

Miguel_Sanchez

You've dropped subtle hints and she's become distant. Sorry dude but that sounds like she's not interested.

I wouldn't suggest making any moves or dropping any more hints as you'll only wind up making her uncomfortable.

padser

Unreg9999 wrote:

Has anyone else been in this situation, who can give me some advice on what to do?

I havnt been in this situation directly, however I have been in the situation where I wanted where I'v wanted to score a girl I know well, or semi well.

I actually prepared a guide for this in this thread:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055021988

and some other helpful pointers have added.

I would stress that since you are already living with her, and already drink with her it shouldnt be too difficult to bring back a couple of bottles of wine some night and a dvd (something long - make sure you give ample time for her to knock back as much wine as possible). I wouldnt bring chocolates, as it might signal your intentions too much. Also if she drinks beer or cider consider this instead of wine it may make it less obvious that you are making a play for her.

Best of luck mate, hope it works out for you [if it does the old walk of shame the next morning wouldnt be too long anyway ]

A word of warning however, as Thaedydal says at the end of the last thread, be careful that you dont end up doing anything that could be classed as 'sexual assualt', a tricky legal minefield in this day and age.

Devious

padser wrote:

I would stress that since you are already living with her, and already drink with her it shouldnt be too difficult to bring back a couple of bottles of wine some night and a dvd (something long - make sure you give ample time for her to knock back as much wine as possible). I wouldnt bring chocolates, as it might signal your intentions too much. Also if she drinks beer or cider consider this instead of wine it may make it less obvious that you are making a play for her.

Lol, in other words, get her locked? Nice!

Caliden

classy...

Black Swan

Unreg9999 wrote:

But about 2 month ago I started to feel attracted to her, this has been building and is getting hard to ignore. I haven't said it straight out to her, but have dropped hints to see how she would react. The problem is that since I started to try and let her know how I feel she has become a bit more distant towards me.

I think she is sending you a message. Wants you as a flatmate but not a lover. Don't blow a good flatmate and friend. Go fishing someplace else.

padser

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

I think she is sending you a message. Wants you as a flatmate but not a lover. Don't blow a good flatmate and friend. Go fishing someplace else.

Or possibly playing hard to get, or possibly is undecided and needs to be pushed in the 'correct' direction. Lets not underestimate how convenient it would be to be 'kanoodling' with your flatmate!

murrayeel

don't ever show your attraction to your flatmate. let things flow well and if that person does share some feelings with you then that's the time you decide. that situation does happen to most of us and we often feel uneasy and undecided on that.

Miss Fluff

Sorry, but don't dip your pen in company ink as it were. If you sense a cooling off from her she probably knows that you are interested and unfortunately it doesn't sound like it's reciprocated. To be honest I wouldn't broach the subject with her as it will only lead to an uncomfortable atmosphere and you DO have to live there after all. Would be a shame to ruin it when you seem so happy living there. I'd put it down to unrequited love unfortunately.

The other option is to declare undying love but I can guarantee you'll be on Daft.ie in no short order if your feelings are not requited.

To be honest nobody is a winner here really. If your feelings are reciprocated, you're going to find yourself in a weird co-habiting situation which is less than ideal, especially if you want the relationship to work.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and when it fizzled out I found myself looking for somewhere new to live.

LegacyUser

Unreg9999 wrote:

I'm assuming this is because she knows and is trying to let me down gently.

But you're not sure, or you wouldn't be posting here looking for inspiration. You're probably reading it right. But whether you can just pretend your feelings aren't there and get on with it really depends on you. Some people can do that.

I know I can't. Until I knew I just wouldn't be able to let go, and it'd pretty much freeze my personal life. My feelings just find other ways to manifest, and the person eventually picks up on it and it becomes awkward anyway. If you're anything like me, there's nothing to be gained from stalling - and it's already too late to avoid the situation now anyway.

But you know yourself.

If you can forget about it, everything goes on nice and easy. No risk, no loss. If you can't, then I think you're better to take control of this sooner rather than later - confront, and then get straight to the damage control. If it's not going to happen, you'll get over it faster that way, and then so will she.