Unfaithful???

LegacyUser

Im living with my boyfriend and our two kids and the other day I realised he had been looking at sites such as meet2cheat and other sites all about affairs and how to meet women in and around Dublin. He cleared the history but I found them another way and now im very upset. He also admitted the other night that he tried it on with a girl when we first started going out (I have always asked about this because I got a message saying 'sorry I came on too strong' and it wasn't meant for me) He also was caught by me texting some other girl. don't know what the messages said or how long it was going on or even if anything was going on but the phone was thrown away so I couldnt check it. My heart is broken as there are even more stories of when I wasn't sure if he was up to something but because the last time I suspected anything was over 18 months ago I thought we had changed into a happy family. Now i'm devestated because I feel like the last 6 years have been a waste. Am I over reacting and should I give him another chance?

free2fly

That's a tough one OP. I'm sorry that you're in that position. Have you talked to him about your fears and concerns? I think you need to sit down and have an honest and open discussion with him. If he is cheating on you there must be a reason why he is doing it. Is he is willing to tell you what is going on with him? If so then perhaps you can both go for counselling to work on it together.

LegacyUser

Yeah we have talked about it and he says he doesn't know why he does it but it won't happen again. He has been very upset lately over stress at work so it was hard to show him how angry I really am. I feel like a mug but dont want to split up the family

LundiMardi

If he was happy in the relationship then he wouldn't be looking at these sites, even if he hasn't done anything, he's certainly thought about it.

Personally, i'd say leave him, it may seem a little drastic but why wait for him to cheat on you? He obviously isn't happy.

free2fly

not logged in wrote:

Yeah we have talked about it and he says he doesn't know why he does it but it won't happen again. He has been very upset lately over stress at work so it was hard to show him how angry I really am. I feel like a mug but dont want to split up the family

I'm sorry, but I think he does know why he's doing it but just isn't willing to tell you. Have you asked him about counselling?

You need to have some respect for yourself OP. Don't let him walk all over you. If he thinks he can cheat, and that you will let him get away with it, his behaviour will not change. You need to put your foot down and tell him that if he does it again you are going to walk. But I strongly suggest that you try to get him to talk about it honestly. Not to sound cruel, and I certainly don't need to know the details, but perhaps there is something missing in your sex life? Perhaps the intimacy has disappeared from your relationship? This can happen quite easily when you have small children. I don't know him so I won't assume that he is just a pr*ck and doesn't have any respect for you. But his behaviour suggests that he doesn't respect you.

I know that you are thinking about your children right now, but you have to think about yourself as well. No one can make you happy OP. You are the only one who can do that. And if you are not happy it will affect your children.

Only you can decide whether or not you want to, or should, leave him. But IMHO you should try to get to the root of his problems and work together to resolve them. But he has to be willing to confront his issues first.

Black Swan

Sad. Something is missing in your relationship. You two need to talk. We all have stress in our lives, so stress is a cop out, and should not be used to delay a resolution. Maybe a counsellor can help facilitate?

LegacyUser

'

But he has to be willing to confront his issues first.

What could his issues be? I'm really lost to be honest I am really supportive of him and do everything for him and the kids and i'm not hideous looking either...so ive been told. Am I trying too hard? I'm thinking if i leave him temporarily he might realise what he has lost but what if this backfires?'

CathyMoran

He probably just feels unloved at the moment but you do need to get to the bottom of this and go to councelling together, I would not give up on him yet but that is just me but I would let him know that I disaprove of his behaviour.

Raskolnikov

not logged in wrote:

'
What could his issues be? I'm really lost to be honest I am really supportive of him and do everything for him and the kids and i'm not hideous looking either...so ive been told. Am I trying too hard? I'm thinking if i leave him temporarily he might realise what he has lost but what if this backfires?'

From what you've said here, your boyfriend sounds like a total prat. If it was a case of him getting ragingly drunk one night, snogging some bird in a nightclub and then getting caught, I figure that you guys would have a chance at working things out. However, this didn't happen. He went on to dating sites with pre-meditation to cheat on you. It's especially disgusting that he's done that considering that you've been together for so long and have children. Because of the children, you feel as if you have some sort of responsibility to stick with him for their sakes. Considering that you're living together and have children, it'll be especially hard for to split with him, even if it is only temporarily. Still, I think it's something that you need to do. The ball is in his court for him to win back your trust and love.

Good luck.

free2fly

not logged in wrote:

'
What could his issues be? I'm really lost to be honest I am really supportive of him and do everything for him and the kids and i'm not hideous looking either...so ive been told. Am I trying too hard? I'm thinking if i leave him temporarily he might realise what he has lost but what if this backfires?'

He is the only one that knows what his issues are. And he is the only one who can decide to confront them OP. Don't start being down on yourself and blaming yourself. He is the one with the problem.

But to begin with I would definitely tell him that you don't approve of his behaviour and will not put up with it if he does it again. And let him know that you mean it. And tell him how much it hurts you when he acts like that.

Eggonaspoon

I’m sorry but I don’t understand any of the ‘he feels unloved and he is unhappy’ comments. Why should the OP go out of her ways to find out what his issues are?! You’re both adults so if he has issues he either needs to sort them out or end the relationship if he is unhappy with it. There are no excuses what so ever for his behaviour.

Now my advise would be to indeed stop trying so hard to please your bf, OP. Time to think about yourself and your kids. Your bf is disrespecting you in so many ways, why put up with that? Not only do you need to have a serious talk with your bf about his behaviour but you also need to start thinking about what it is that you want. Don’t let your fear of breaking up the family stand in the way of what is best for you and your kids.

Laura Fitz06

hi i feel for you . i think the best thing you can do is pack his bags he will see what he had and if he still wants it he will be back but if not right he is gone . you can start to get over him instead of doing it a few months down the line cause unless you force him to decide he will do it again and again and why wouldnt he when he knows you will forgive him

Carrigart Exile

LundiMardi wrote:

If he was happy in the relationship then he wouldn't be looking at these sites, even if he hasn't done anything, he's certainly thought about it.

Personally, i'd say leave him, it may seem a little drastic but why wait for him to cheat on you? He obviously isn't happy.

We are so tough with other people's relationship. Is he perhaps just curious? Do you as a couple need to make some time for you again (kids can become all consuming).

Carrigart Exile

Laura Fitz06 wrote:

hi i feel for you . i think the best thing you can do is pack his bags he will see what he had and if he still wants it he will be back but if not right he is gone . you can start to get over him instead of doing it a few months down the line cause unless you force him to decide he will do it again and again and why wouldnt he when he knows you will forgive him

The arrogance of women is extraordinary, why on a whim and a guess, should the guy leave the house. You pack your bags and leave.

roundcrisis

Carrigart Exile: no arrogance here,
he is the one to make the mistake, he should leave.
She cant leave without the kids, and they have school , friends, etc that you cant take from them, hard enough for them to have a real bad example as a father.
OP:
I m not sure what would i do on your position , but with my head cold, i would leave him.

I m sure it sounds real hard but in the end is better for you and your self esteem and for your kids, they will grow up with a mother that has pride for herself. Think of them and what kind of example you want to set up for them.

I m sure they can feel you are not ok and probably feel all the tension going on, and this is worse, i think.

I hope it all works well for you and your family. I wish i could be of more help

Carrigart Exile

roundcrisis wrote:

Carrigart Exile: no arrogance here,
he is the one to make the mistake, he should leave.
She cant leave without the kids, and they have school , friends, etc that you cant take from them, hard enough for them to have a real bad example as a father.

Why can't she, are fathers not capable of bringing up their children??? The kids will still live in the same house.

I m not sure what would i do on your position , but with my head cold, i would leave him.

I m sure it sounds real hard but in the end is better for you and your self esteem and for your kids, they will grow up with a mother that has pride for herself. Think of them and what kind of example you want to set up for them.

I m sure they can feel you are not ok and probably feel all the tension going on, and this is worse, i think.

I hope it all works well for you and your family. I wish i could be of more help

So far she has found nothing but a few websites and the jury has condemned him and the judge reached a verdict that will have terrible consequences on teh children's lives. I think you are making more of a 'right-on' sister comment than being helpful to the OP.

Nevyn

Carrigart Exile, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

murrayeel

Women's instinct is too strong to be put aside. If not, you won't be posting your worries here. It did happen to me so the picture is vivid. of course the pain! It pains you now and the more it will be when he starts admitting his folly. It ain't easy but you've to get yourself ready. Go girl.;)

Ickle Magoo

OP, I don't think you are over-reacting at all. If I found out my husband was on the sites you mention & acting as suspiciously as your bf then he'd be out on his ear - but that's how I'd react. It may be "just a few websites" to some but to me, together with the past instances & text messages, it would be an enormous breach of trust & respect & certainly not what I expect of a loving, caring partner. Kids are not a good reason for staying in a bad relationship or for being treated with anything but the utmost respect - you & your bf are their role models after all.

Discuss with him what the problem seems to be & ask why he keeps cheating or is acting suspiciously enough to make you think he is...you say he has raised suspicions before & I suspect he will again until you make a stand. You have to tell him it is not on & demand respect & fidelity - and you have to be prepared that he cannot give you that...best of luck.

Dreamer 7

Hey op
This time last year i was in the exact same position except it was me that was wandering not him. I joined those websites and met up and kissed someone. Dont know if this is any help but my reasons were
1 Lack of identity - i was just mammy ( 2 kids and 6 yr relationship too)and his fiance , i had no time for me and didnt know who i was
2 Attention - didnt feel i was getting enough at home
3 Trapped - in my case im 25 and felt that my whole life was mapped out and i had no say in the matter

So i decided to be just me for a while- and I got caught . It caused unbelievable pain and heartache for all involved, i nearly lost everything. I needed to almost loose it to see things clearly. Now my relationship is alot more honest, there is giving and recieving and we talk through everything.
IMHO a shock like showing him what he will loose should work, if not.. he just doesnt want to be there.

Best of Luck, its such a horrible time for **** to happen at Xmas esp when kids are involved. I must admit to having some of those trapped feeling again recently...what is it about christmas???

LegacyUser

not logged in wrote:

Yeah we have talked about it and he says he doesn't know why he does it but it won't happen again. He has been very upset lately over stress at work so it was hard to show him how angry I really am. I feel like a mug but don't want to split up the family

Ask again, if you don't get some reasonable discussion out of him..

Arrange to stay with someone for a few days you don't have to give full details.
Pick up kids, tell them Granny/Grandad/Auntie X/Friend Y, is lonely and really needs some company so your all going to stay with her/him for a few days and daddy needs to work.

Leave note saying something to the effect of, had enough of the cheating, I'm off.

Let him call you, and then ask for a proper discussion.
Otherwise prepare to be a complete doormat for the rest of your life feeling crap about yourself and worrying about *his* stress. Are you serious?

dame

OP,

How many chances are you going to give him? If the parents aren't happy then they might as well split up - staying for the children with a man who doesn't respect you will just cause all sorts of issues to build up.

Ask him to go to counselling together as a couple, sort it out and never cheat on you again. Give him an ultimatum. Otherwise decide where you are going to draw the line and get out for your own sanity and self-respect.

It's a tough situation but if you don't act once and for all he will continue to carry on as he has indefinitely until he decides himself to leave you down the line. I don't want to sound harsh but face facts - he's a serial cheater.

carpenoctem

I just want to say one thing before I say anything else, DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT'S YOUR FAULT.

That's the most common mistake that people who are cheated on makes, and it's completely unjustified. I personally don't believe the "I cheated cause I didn't get enough attention, because my marriage wasn't exciting enough etc. etc. etc." excuses. The plain and simple truth is that while this may be the reason they contemplate straying, the truth is rather that they cheat because they aren't brave enough to raise this issue with their partner (or because they are just one of these people who get "addicted" to cheating). So, it's THEIR fault. In the original message I reacted to the fact that he could spend time and effort looking for someone to cheat with, when realistically it should have been quicker for him to tell YOU whatever his issues were. If he wants more attention, you can plan to do something once a week, if he feels your sex life isn't exciting, you can do sometghing about it, but seriously, cheating can never ever be justified by blaming it on another party.

I saw a lot of people concider couples councelling. I think councelling is a good idea, but I do think you got to make sure you get a few separate sessions. That way you will both be able to explore your own feelings about this without worrying about hurting the other party, or putting too much of yourself out there.

In the end, I think it all comes down to if you can ever trust this man again. If you do go to councelling you do need to trust him afterwards, and he needs to feel that you do this. If you are forever going to worry about him cheating again, then you shouldn't give him another chance. Leave him, and prehaps do get that councelling, so that you sort out your own head and learn to love yourself and never, ever accept this kind of behaviour again.

And if the kids are what makes you stay, speaking from experience (I was one of those kids), kids from around 3 or 4 years of age will feel the unhappiness of a parent, they may not be old enough to understand, but it's sure to impact on their own unhappiness. I grew up with my stepfather treating my mother very badly, and while it hasn't impacted on my own relationships, I can still not look at my stepfather without being angry for what he did. I know this is a feeling some of my friends share towards a parent because of issues like these, so my advice would be that whatever you feel is best for you, and will make YOU happiest, will also be best for your kids and give them the best possible childhood.

And whatever way you chose to go, good luck, and remember that you deserve respect both from yourself and others.

lollipops

im so sorry to hear what your goin through.ive been there ,only i was the one textin other fellas behind my exs back.im now married and unbelievably happy,id never do anything behind my husbands back.what im tryin to say is get out while you still can.if he was where he wanted to be ,he wouldnt be doing all this behind your back.leave him and u will meet someone who truly appreciates you.you owe it to yourself and your kids.best off luck to you x;)