Someone who's crazy about you.... breaking up with you :-S

LegacyUser

Have you ever been broken up with by someone who said they were still crazy about you, cared about you so much, and practically told you you were god's gift (in not so many words!) ?? It sounds strange, so you can see why I might be confused and want some help in understanding this!

I wouldn't be raising this issue obviously if I didn't feel basically the same about him. My boyfriend broke up with me last week after about 2 amazing months of dating. He said all the above stuff to me, and even suggested that maybe something would happen with us in the future. But for now, it just isn't "the right time".

As far as I can gather, he has many personal issues and I'm 99% certain he has depression. I'm pretty sure one of his parents suffers has it too. Over the past few weeks he had endured many emotional stresses in the form of falling-outs with friends, family problems, bad college stress, and other such stuff.... It really began to impact how much he came out to see me and how happy he seemed with life in general.

Then last week, what I had been expecting to happen happened. He told me everything was just far too much for him right now and that he couldn't handle wrecking our relationship anymore because it wasn't fair on me and the guilt made him even more stressed.

Is it normal to feel so madly about someone but then drop them because of all the other stress life was throwing their way?

I find it hard to be angry with him because he really hasn't done anything wrong. I don't judge him or make assumptions about how he feels or what life is like for him, because it's not my place to do so. But obviously I need some help understanding this. All I feel is sad at losing him, because he is such a sweet, fantastic, brilliant person. If he wasn't, I would be able to just forget him and move on considering we only dated for 2 months. But it was so hard to find someone who I consider so amazing. And he seems to still be mad about me and has been since the day we met.

Some days I'm just sad and confused. And then today, I woke up just feeling numb. As the day progressed, this turned into anger. Now its a mixture of both that I can't shake off. It's doing my head in! So I thought it would help me to talk about it here and see if anyone can relate or maybe help me out with this!

Have you ever been in his position? Have you ever broken up with someone you were crazy about because life was causing you too much pain or stress?

Or have you ever been in my position?

Thanks

tbh

tbh, ye both sound like some of the soundest subjects we've had in PI for a while - sorry this is happening to ye.

I think your boyfriend is being very honest with you - I just can't find it in me to think he's lying - and so should be respected. If you think about it, you could have two reasons for doing this: the honest one - you love him and want what's best for him, and the sneaky-ish one - you want him back so you want to do what he'll appreciate, if you know what I mean. Either way, you can be there for him, but if it's causing you too much pain, you should steer clear of him for a little while, give things a chance to settle down and try again.

What you are going through sounds perfectly normal, just make sure you realise that your anger is at the situation, not your boyfriend. If it helps, my experience is that these things happen for a reason, it just takes a while to figure out what it is. Maybe he needs time alone so he can get himself sorted out and you'll spend the rest of your life together. Or maybe you'll meet the person you'll spend the rest of your life with tomorrow. Good luck.

CathyMoran

I broke up with someone that I was crazy about because the feelings were so intense that I was scared of getting badly hurt if it did not work out and I was totally in love with him. I will regret it until the day that I die.

tbh

ahh - but whats the regret CM? do you regret that it went down the way it did, or the way you handled it? If you could go back in time and change things - would you? [if this is an awkward question, I'll delete it in a heartbeat ]

CathyMoran

tbh wrote:

ahh - but whats the regret CM? do you regret that it went down the way it did, or the way you handled it? If you could go back in time and change things - would you? [if this is an awkward question, I'll delete it in a heartbeat ]

Will tell you by PM.

You make mistakes when you are younger but the thing is that the relationship would not have worked and at least he is still in my life as one of my best friends.

tbh

ah - didn't mean to sound like I was nosey I was just saying, even though it didn't work out then, you didn't spend the rest of your life wishing it was different - you would never have met himself, for example. So there is always hope OP!

The_Conductor

CathyMoran wrote:

I broke up with someone that I was crazy about because the feelings were so intense that I was scared of getting badly hurt if it did not work out and I was totally in love with him. I will regret it until the day that I die.

You will always wonder how things may have worked out, or not worked out. You cannot allow this to hurt or impede your relationships with people who may be in your future though.....

OP- I can empathise with your situation. You have to sit down and talk to your boyfriend. If he is incapable of seeing that he is throwing away something very special- well, while it will hurt like hell, you should just walk away. Don't hang around waiting for that point in the future when he might be ready- it is entirely possible that he may never be *ready*- that the time may never be right in his eyes.......

Best of good luck to you-

S.

CathyMoran

smccarrick wrote:

You will always wonder how things may have worked out, or not worked out. You cannot allow this to hurt or impede your relationships with people who may be in your future though.....

Shane, sorry if I hurt your feelings, it was never meant, I love you, you know that.

To the OP, you need to move on and forget about this, it will hurt for a while but I wish you all the best.

dr.bollocko

I once broke up with someone over depression. It was a long term relationship. But it was also long distance, and it got to a point where I just couldnt handle it. Loneliness was a factor. Also my age, the seriousness of the relationship, the depth of the emotions, everything seemed to be conspiring to trap me, and the dark walls closed in. it all became far too much to handle.
The depression got to a point where I couldnt think of a single thing that I could add to my life in order that I could make it better.
The only thing I could do was take away the things that made me feel the worst. And though it was a real kick in the gut of a decision I ended it with the girl. Of course, she was crazy for me (God Knows why, but she was) and the guilt that she poured on (unintentionally) made things a lot worse for a while, but looking back on it now, I think it was the first step on the road towards being a functional adult. Though I'll never really know if it was the right thing to do, I feel like I have come through it now. I think I have grown because of it, and I can see his point of view.

Hope that helps anyway.

dvega

Yes my gf finished with me,even though i knew she still was mad about me,she just wanted some time on her own but we still stay in contact every once and awhile and maybe one day we can start over,so maybe give him awhile and then try to keep in contact,might help...

Black Swan

this-fffirre wrote:

Have you ever been broken up with by someone who said they were still crazy about you, cared about you so much, and practically told you you were god's gift (in not so many words!) ?? It sounds strange, so you can see why I might be confused and want some help in understanding this!

Someone tried once, but I wouldn't go for it. If they are falling in love with you, and it's real for both of you, don't let it slip away. And if they have troubles, be there for them, and guess what? They will be there for you when you're troubled, too!

Carrigart Exile

Actions speak louder than words

Sleepy

An ex broke up with me this way while I was the one going through the hard time. We're still very good friends and have discussed it since then with the clarity of hindsight and for her it was simply a case that she loved me but knew she couldn't see herself marrying me. She let her head rule her heart and sometimes, sometimes, that's for the best.

A year or so ago, I got pretty drunk in her company and apparently (I have no memory of the night - that's how drunk I was) I said some pretty nasty things to her. For the life of me I can only think of one thing I would have said and that's that I felt betrayed that when I needed her most, she couldn't be there for me. It was something that was in my head at the time and probably came out in a bile filled, drunken rant because I'm not the most eloquent of people sober, never mind drunk out of my mind.

The thing is, I now know she was right. We wouldn't have lasted the course because I wasn't what she wanted in a life partner and by virtue of her not being able to hold me up when my life was crashing down around me, she isn't what I want as a life partner.

I still love her. (and that's almost a revelation to myself to see that in type. I'm struggling to get to the end of this paragraph right now). I know we weren't right for each other even if we did/do love each other. It's not necessarily a bad thing though. I entered a relationship with a wonderful girl with nothing. I came out with some very happy memories, a much clearer picture of what I want in a life partner and a friend I'll have for the rest of my life. Not a bad result for a romance imho.

Maybe you can take the same out of your relationship with this guy OP?

[EDIT: Out of my current 6,536 posts, I've never posted something so personal on here. Hope it helps OP.]

Beetlebum

I entered a relationship with a wonderful girl with nothing. I came out with some very happy memories, a much clearer picture of what I want in a life partner and a friend I'll have for the rest of my life. Not a bad result for a romance imho.

Sleepy - The way you said this really grabbed my attention and made me think. I went through a bad break up and although I'm over it now, I've been looking back in anger. I was looking at it as wasted time and energy and by thinking that way I was damaging myself. You've made me realise there's a different, much more positive way to look back on it so thanks for that dude!!

Op - Maybe just give him some time. Let him know that you're there for him if he needs you but don't wait around for him. Hopefully he'll realise how much you add to his life and he'll get back in touch with you. Best of luck...

tbh

Sleepy wrote:

...

hey nice post sleepy. It's stuff like this that makes boards worth reading.

Nevyn

You can love someone very deeply but due to other circumstances things just can' be or can't last.
Some things can be over come others just can't.

there is also the break up which goes along the lines of your everything I ever wanted in the woman I want to settle down and share the rest of my life with but I am not ready to settle down....
harsh but at least it is honest.

CathyMoran

Sleepy, your post helped me with that period in my past when I left that other guy that I was in love with and reminded me why I left him, he was not there for me when I was going through a bad patch so it was no wonder why I left him (or rather his version of help was not what I needed). It makes me feel less guilty and make me even more certain that I made the right choice, my fiancee has been there for me for most of the big things that were painful bar one and that was only because he was in a very bad place himself. You really helped, thanks.

OP - Sleepy has raised very valid points, I hope that they give you comfort.

Sleepy

Have to say I was kind of nervous about posting something that was so soul-baring on here. Glad it helped some of you

jdivision

OP, I'd advise you to still spend time with your ex if at all possible. If things are going that badly for him, he may have broken up with you because he knows he's headed on a downward spiral with his depression. you might be able to help limit it. Whenever I'm going into a spiral (happens about every 18 months), I tend to pretty much cut contact with the people I care about so that's why I'm saying the above.

trilo

jdivision wrote:

OP, I'd advise you to still spend time with your ex if at all possible. If things are going that badly for him, he may have broken up with you because he knows he's headed on a downward spiral with his depression. you might be able to help limit it. Whenever I'm going into a spiral (happens about every 18 months), I tend to pretty much cut contact with the people I care about so that's why I'm saying the above.

I do that too, well in ways that even hurt the person i love. But i do it because i don't want to hurt them in other ways and don't think i'm worthy of their love.
Sometimes its easier to let the person you love go when you are heading down the downward spiral of depression.
I push a lot of people away but what i really need is them there. (Strange way of thinking).

Be there for him, if not romantically but as a friend.

I've told someone i love so much many times that i don't want to be with him. Not because i don't love that person, but because i don't love myself.
But the thing is i always do want to be with him and he's continually not listened to me.

letterman

sounds like he has so much on his plate right now that dealing with a relationship, no matter how good it is, is the last thing he needs.

Don' shut him out, stay in the background for him and if and when the time is right and it is meant to be things may take off between you again.

Good luck

LegacyUser

'First of all, thanks to all of you for replying. I really really appreciate it. Some of you have shared some really personal stories! I hope you've found some answers or helpful insight into your own situations here too.

Regarding my own situation... I told him a few times that I was here if he ever wanted to talk. He more or less told me that he needed to figure everything out for himself. He wasn't ready to totally open up to me just yet. And I made no attempts to force him to do so. I just reminded him I was there.

Since he ended things, I haven't made any attempts to contact him at all. I know it would serve absolutely no purpose. He feels how he feels, I can't change that. I'm not purposely "giving him space", I'm just not initiating any contact because of the sheer pointlessness of it.

The very last thing he said to me, after telling me I mean so much to him and that he thinks I'm incredible and amazing, went along the lines of "I'm going to miss you. I really am. I care so much about you. Who knows what could happen in the future. But right at this moment in time, it's just not right."

Knowing that this guy who I like so so much said he misses me and cares so much about me and yet we can't be together, it's really hurting my head!!

And of course I'm not angry at him, I'm only angry at the situation. Well it's not even anger any more. I'm just exhuasted really.

And if I could only stop dreaming about him. He always crops up in my dreams. Usually I make it through to the end of my night's sleep without dreaming of him and then in the last hour or so - bang! There he is! So then I wake up feeling **** after almost making a night without thinking of him. Like this morning.

It reminds me of when my grandad died last year. He lived with me from when I was 5 til I was 19 (when he died) so it hit me really hard. The few weeks following his death I was afraid to go asleep because he was always in my dreams. I hated when it came time to go asleep for that reason. It hurt, like, a lot. And now I fear a similar situation creeping up.

Look, I'm not one for mushy love stories. I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe in "the one". I'm firmly of the opinion that the healthiest way to live is to experience many different relationships before settling down. I don't necessarily like the idea of getting tied and bound to one person. That's how I was raised (despite the fact that my mother and father found each other at the age of 19 and have been together ever since!!). But I do believe that, in the meantime and until then, surely we should all get the chance to date for a while and get to enjoy it?! So it does get annoying when it keeps getting taken away so abruptly.

So sin é. Nothing more to be said or done. Except to get on with life.
"Life is full of shocks and surprises." - never has a truer thing been said. Sucks doesn't it?!!'

LegacyUser

'Hey whats up, I know how you feel i am going thorugh the exact same thing. I was with my bloke for 3 and a half years and all of a sudden he dumped me. We are still seein each other now and again but he says he still loves me and that he misses me which is really confusin me one minute he does and the next he doesnt. He said that relationships are to hard but are ya not suppost to face things when they get hard I mean relationships arent easy you have to work at them. I dont know what is going thorough his hes im just glad there is someone that is goin through the same thing as me

So i know how you feel

this-fffirre wrote:

Have you ever been broken up with by someone who said they were still crazy about you, cared about you so much, and practically told you you were god's gift (in not so many words!) ?? It sounds strange, so you can see why I might be confused and want some help in understanding this!

I wouldn't be raising this issue obviously if I didn't feel basically the same about him. My boyfriend broke up with me last week after about 2 amazing months of dating. He said all the above stuff to me, and even suggested that maybe something would happen with us in the future. But for now, it just isn't "the right time".

As far as I can gather, he has many personal issues and I'm 99% certain he has depression. I'm pretty sure one of his parents suffers has it too. Over the past few weeks he had endured many emotional stresses in the form of falling-outs with friends, family problems, bad college stress, and other such stuff.... It really began to impact how much he came out to see me and how happy he seemed with life in general.

Then last week, what I had been expecting to happen happened. He told me everything was just far too much for him right now and that he couldn't handle wrecking our relationship anymore because it wasn't fair on me and the guilt made him even more stressed.

Is it normal to feel so madly about someone but then drop them because of all the other stress life was throwing their way?

I find it hard to be angry with him because he really hasn't done anything wrong. I don't judge him or make assumptions about how he feels or what life is like for him, because it's not my place to do so. But obviously I need some help understanding this. All I feel is sad at losing him, because he is such a sweet, fantastic, brilliant person. If he wasn't, I would be able to just forget him and move on considering we only dated for 2 months. But it was so hard to find someone who I consider so amazing. And he seems to still be mad about me and has been since the day we met.

Some days I'm just sad and confused. And then today, I woke up just feeling numb. As the day progressed, this turned into anger. Now its a mixture of both that I can't shake off. It's doing my head in! So I thought it would help me to talk about it here and see if anyone can relate or maybe help me out with this!

Have you ever been in his position? Have you ever broken up with someone you were crazy about because life was causing you too much pain or stress?

Or have you ever been in my position?

Thanks

'

sweet-rasmus

tbh, this guy of yours sounds EXACTLY like a guy i went out with for a year, and broke up with in the summer. sure, i highly doubt it's him, but everything sounds so similar, that i really understand how you feel. though, in my situation i had to be the one to say that we should stop going out, but the rest is sooo similar. he had family promblems, emotional problems from a young age and was definatley quite depressed. in the next few days after i told him, he told me he'd love me for ever, etc. i met up with him to try to clear the air after a few weeks and he tried to come on to me. before we ever went out, i had to keep asking till he would give in and go out with me, because he couldn't handle the relationship...

i do believe that when he said it to you about not being able to handle the relationship that you just have to accept it. if he sorts his life out a little, perhaps he'll get in contact again, and who knows... but you need to give him some space. how about texting him once a week or so to ask how he is, or to share a comment; at least he knows you're still there. keep it as a friendship. and see what happens. but, on the other hand, if you can't bare to keep in contact, leave him till he makes contact again. he probably will, and it will be when he is ready, and much less stressed out. give it some time.

good luck!