What a mess I'm in...

LegacyUser · 28-11-2006 7:02pm #1

Good evening all,

Firstly, Im a long time user of boards, hence going unregistered for this one,as I think all partys involved are boards members - (sure who isnt!!)

Secondly my apologies for my spelling, i'm trying my best but I cant sepll very well and yes i know i could have copied and pasted form word or something with a spellchecker but my heart isnt in it right now, I just have to type.

Finally after all that my problems.....

Ok, backround information, when I was 19 Imet this wonderful girl, Girl A. We kissed on first sight andafter a few months of becoming best friends, it developed into a serious relationship. It was the first time in a relationship for either of us and indeed I was her 1st kiss, (my second). Girl A was 18 bythe way.

Fast forward a 5 years, to Aprial this year. We had had some wonderful years together, and been through thick and thin together. Her leaving cert, me dropping out of college, her finishing college, travelling most of europe together and making great plans for the future - more on that to follow.

In Aprial, Girl A was out with her friends and kissed another guy, willingly, she knew what she was doing and did it. We had kind of gotten in a rut in our relationship, doing the same things week in week out. she was flattered by the attention and the excitment.

I was very hurt and mad, and wasn'tsure what i wanted. I didnt want to loose her. I suggested a break but she didnt want one, itwas ll or nothing with her, so i forgave her and we promised not to be stuck in rut again and to be more honest etc.

As the weeks went by I was able to forgive her, but not myself, as the rut was my fault, i began to believe I was dull and boring. Hence thats why it happened.

We decided in aug or sept to move to Australia, next year(07) as a fresh start is what we needed,esp me as the idea excited me and I began to believe its what I needed as well, traveling always made me happy in the past and I love travaling and adventure. So everything is all booked and sounds rosey, infact we are traveling the world first.

A few weeks ago, Girl A had to work some nights esp firdays and the weekend. I used to stay in as I dont actually have that many friends,Just lost touch over the years. I didnt mind too much at all though! I loved a good DVD and a game of golf the next morning, some quality me time, if youknow what I mean.

But last month, same time as whenI was on my own a lot, this new girl started in work. very nice girl and sits next to me in my office, Lets call her Girl B. She was always interested in me and what i got up to, a little flirty, but i thought nothing of it and never mentioned Girl A.

One evening I mentioned that i was going to take a walk onthe beech that night, a pasttime of mine(yes Im sad i know that),and she said right away,pick me up and i'll join you! So I did, and we had a long walk, and kissed. It was amazing, truly amazing. In that instant I began to feel alive again, It was like my eyes opened and she took me out of my world and showed me the solar system.

I stopped it and told her about Girl A. We decided it was better to be friends, However she couldnt stop thinking about me , nor I her. we were always flirting, and talking and texting. we didnt kiss anymore though.

Last weekend, we had an unexpected invited from another work fiend to head down the country for a massive session. we both went, as did others, and had a blast on the friday night! Girl A was working again, and suggested I go. She knew Girl B was flirting with me but not that we kissed.

That night me and Girl B made love for hours on end, it was perfect, or seemed to be to me. Girl B made me forget howcrap i felt and how much i used to believe everything was my fault with Girl A in aprial. I became myself again even for just one night.

Strange thing is though I never once felt guilty about it. I didnt feel like I had to tell Girl A anything, but I did because of our history and what we had planned. Although I didnt tell Girl A everything,just that we kissed.

She went mad, and now wont talk to me, even though I fogave her before for what she did. I wasnt expecting to be forgiven, i dont deserve it. Im not upset or mad or anything at either myself or Girl A or B.

Girl B wants to be with me and has sid she'd be happy to be a mistriss until Girl A is gone, Girl A wont talk to me and I dont know what to do.

I know you mightn't have answers for me, as i'm not sure I even asked a question. I dont know what do, Go with B? Try and fix thing with A. Just head to aus on my own? My head is melted.

i though I was in love the Girl A, Maybe I am, but If i am then I would even have looked at Girl B. Girl B is exciting and new, but maybe i'm just looking anywhere for something Girl A cant give me due to work and other commitments. Maybe me and girl A were too much too soon and too young?

any comments welcome
Cheers

Black Swan · 28-11-2006 8:32pm

messed_up_big wrote:

That night me and Girl B made love for hours on end, it was perfect, or seemed to be to me. Girl B made me forget howcrap i felt and how much i used to believe everything was my fault with Girl A in aprial. I became myself again even for just one night.

Strange thing is though I never once felt guilty about it. I didnt feel like I had to tell Girl A anything, but I did because of our history and what we had planned. Although I didnt tell Girl A everything,just that we kissed.

Well, you both cheated and lied to Girl A, and you didn't feel guilty about it? Me thinks this answers your own question? Stop your dishonest behaviour, make a clean and immediate break with Girl A, and start going out with Girl B? Lucky you! You have someone to go to with minimum hurt to yourself, while poor Girl A gets trashed (I feel sorry for Girl A).

LegacyUser · 28-11-2006 8:34pm

Strange thing is though I never once felt guilty about it

if you truely loved Girl A you would have.

We decided in aug or sept to move to Australia, next year(07) as a fresh start is what we needed,esp me as the idea excited me and I began to believe its what I needed as well, traveling always made me happy in the past and I love travaling and adventure. So everything is all booked and sounds rosey, infact we are traveling the world first.

It would be horribly unfair to do this with Girl A now if in fact you dont really care for her

I became myself again even for just one night.

if you can't feel like or be yourself in a relationship then you shouldn't be in it!

to be honest i don't think you should start anything with Girl B or try to get back with Girl A

In Aprial, Girl A was out with her friends and kissed another guy, willingly, she knew what she was doing and did it. I was very hurt and mad, and wasn'tsure what i wanted

She went mad, and now wont talk to me, even though I forgave her before for what she did

pot, kettle, black?
if you knew how it felt to be cheated on, and still cheated on her
a) you hadn't really forgiven her or forgotten
and b)you don't love her

Girl B is exciting and new, but maybe i'm just looking anywhere for something Girl A cant give me due to work and other commitments. Maybe me and girl A were too much too soon and too young?

sounds to me like you dont know what you want maybe it is because you were too young, maybe you need to just not be in a relationship for a while, and try figure out what you do want in a partner,either way you really need to stop messing both girls around until you find out what you do want from your own life.

Ruu_Old · 28-11-2006 8:43pm

How long before Girl B gets boring though? I would advise you to be fully honest with Girl A for a start, she was honest with you when she kissed the other guy.

LegacyUser · 28-11-2006 9:37pm

just got back from a chat with girl A, took the advise and was honest, was called all the names under the sun and a few others besides. but its over with Girl A probably for the best.

As for B, who knows where it will lead...probably heartbreak in the future.

Honesty is the best policy and it is always best to be honest with yourself if nothing else. I thinki n retropect itwas over with Girl A in Apr and I was clutching at memories. It does not excuse what i did to her though.

Ideo · 28-11-2006 9:37pm

messed_up_big wrote:

Girl B is exciting and new

Like Ruu said what happens when Girl B gots boring and old? Will you regret leaving girl A? Try to think about the hurt you felt when Girl A kissed another guy and think about how she feels now?

On the other hand do you forget about everyone else and think about yourself for a change?

I don't know tbh, only you can decide!

Chinafoot · 28-11-2006 9:51pm

Big difference between kissing someone and "making love for hours".

If you didn't feel at all guilty then I think it's safe to say your relationship with Girl A has well and truly run it's course. You're not being honest with her and despite her mistake in the past (which, I'm sorry, doesn't compare at all), she deserves to know the full truth of the situation.

Sounds like you need to end things and let both of you move on.

humanji · 28-11-2006 10:24pm

As above, you're relationship with Girl A really seems to be at an end. From the sounds of it, it was over for quite some time. You really should end it with her. I don't know about telling her you slept with Girl B. It may be a bit of overkill and it isn't going to do Girl A any favours.
You're young, and it's not too late to start over with someone new (ie Girl

. It's not the cleanest of outcomes, but it seems the most logical.

LegacyUser · 28-11-2006 10:26pm

hiya. i kinda know how you feel. i recently cheated on my boyfriend of 2 years. i love him to death. told him everything. we were on a break, then broke up but are back togheter. of course- things aren't good now. he still hurt. but just to be clear-- just because you cheat, it does not in any way mean you dont love your partner. (anyone can dispute this, if they want. but i know it and so does my boyfriend. he knows he's my world and i just made a really stupid mistake)

anyway- tell girl a everything. EVERYTHING. she will be hurt but may still be willing hang in therecause she loves you.i think you like girl b more because she new, as you said... some person who just comes along couldn mean more than the person you've been through everything with. i dont think so anyway.

i still say tell her all. even if you break up with her for good. it'd be far worse to not say anything then let her find out off someone else

x

Red Alert · 28-11-2006 10:51pm

Time to move on. Let Girl A know it's over, probably no need to go into the gory details.

LegacyUser · 29-11-2006 12:03am

'[/quote]just because you cheat, it does not in any way mean you dont love your partner.[/quote] thats some screwed up logic right there!

he knows he's my world and i just made a really stupid mistake

ah sure if it was only a mistake

of course- things aren't good now

that says it all really'

Beruthiel · 29-11-2006 9:03am

messed_up_big wrote:

I know you mightn't have answers for me, as i'm not sure I even asked a question. I dont know what do

Your relationship with A is over. If you truly cared for her you would not have had sex with B, I don't care what your 'reasons' are.

When you've finished with A, then you can start thinking about B, but you certainly should not be doing anything with B until A has been sorted out first.

Girl B is exciting and new

As are all relationships in the beginning

CathyMoran · 29-11-2006 9:38am

I think that you are having an extreme reaction to girl A cheating on you but unfortunatly in this case your relationship with girl A appears to be over which is a pity as it sounds like you had a really nice relationship. You will feel very guilty over time over what you did with girl B. I am sorry for what has happened to you but do not think that a relationship with girl B will work as you will always feel guilty over what has happened and she will be a reminder.

dellas1979 · 29-11-2006 10:22am

I feel sad reading your post. You spent many good times together and it seemed like you had a good relationship. I know she kissed someone else and it is no excuse (same as yourself) but you seem rather numb to this.

She let you know something was wrong. I think that you were the sneaky one. Girl B should have had nothing to do with this situation.

You couldnt have sorted anything out with girl A with girl B by your side.

Impossible!!!

I think that girl B has played off a little on your hurt and numbness towards girl A.

I think in time and retrospect, you will realise what has happened. I only hope that you can deal with it then.

LegacyUser · 29-11-2006 10:59am

'

CathyMoran wrote:

I am sorry for what has happened to you but do not think that a relationship with girl B will work as you will always feel guilty over what has happened and she will be a reminder.

I think less talk of guilt and relationship doom is needed, guilt isnt very useful going forward anyway. It was this guy's FIRST real relationship, therefore it was his first real break-up. We have all been there, it is a scary time and sometimes the fear of the unknown holds you back from making the break, the fear of wondering if you will find a relationship like the one you have again. This whole experience will make him stronger, the liason with Girl B may not have been morally the best move in the world but it might have been the boost to his confidence, the new found or re-found independence that gave him the courage to make the break with Girl A. Maybe if he had had this self-belief a couple of months ago he would have broke up with Girl A when she cheated him. Plus, most people are assuming that Girl A was completely honest with him when she confessed to only kissing this other guy,there may have been more to it,maybe not,these situations are rarely black and white

To the OP, enjoy and explore what you have with Girl B, look forward and dont dwell on the past and dont waste your energy on guilt. Nobody can tell how long your relationship with Girl B will last but at least you gave it a shot. No regrets, no guilt, its a learning curve'

Mrs_Doyle · 29-11-2006 11:10am

Well, for what its worth, I do think it is possible to love someone, and to cheat on them. I just don't think it is the case with you.

A pal of mine cheated on his GF, he realised immediately afterward what a mistake he had made. He cried his eyes out, rang his GF, told her everything.
He regretted it so much.
It happened because they were also in a rut, and had been arguing a lot - he received some attention from another girl and got carried away.
Anyhow, his 'mistake' made him realise what he was throwing away. It made him realise how, much he loved his GF, how much he wanted to be with her.
Luckily for him, she forgave him, and they are still together now, stronger and happier then they had been for years.

In your case, however, you felt no guilt. It didn't feel like a mistake to you, it felt right - which is a very clear indicator that you probably shouldn't be with girl A.

I haven't cheated in my current relationship, but if I did, I guess I my feelings afterward would tell me whether I should be with my current BF or not.
If I felt no shame or guilt, odds are I don't care about him the way I used to.
If I felt horrified by my actions, and was filled with panic, thread, remorse, and fear... well, obviously I fooked up but I don't want to lose my BF and would do anything to try to put things right.

I used to go out with a guy, for about 2.5 yrs, nearly 3yrs.
He was my first boyfriend, but by rights, we should have split after the first year, and I just didn't love him the way a girl should love her boyfriend, once that honeymoon period was over.
I think he felt the same way, but we stayed together, for all the wrong reasons.
Reasons like:
We had been together a long time (well in teenage years 12mths is a long time).
We had feelings for one another (they just weren't the right ones)
We were each others first BF/GF
We experienced a lot of 'firsts' together.
We had the same friends.

Toward the end, we both started cheating on each other. I knew he was at it, he knew I was at it. We rarely confronted each other because I don't think either of us really cared anymore.
By the time we eventually broke up, I think the relationship at been over for at least a year. I was completely over him before it even ended, and it sounds like this might be the case with you too.

I sounds as if you really did break up with Girl A back in April, and are already over it.

CathyMoran · 29-11-2006 11:48am

GoForIt wrote:

'

I think less talk of guilt and relationship doom is needed, guilt isnt very useful going forward anyway. It was this guy's FIRST real relationship, therefore it was his first real break-up. We have all been there, it is a scary time and sometimes the fear of the unknown holds you back from making the break, the fear of wondering if you will find a relationship like the one you have again. This whole experience will make him stronger, the liason with Girl B may not have been morally the best move in the world but it might have been the boost to his confidence, the new found or re-found independence that gave him the courage to make the break with Girl A. Maybe if he had had this self-belief a couple of months ago he would have broke up with Girl A when she cheated him. Plus, most people are assuming that Girl A was completely honest with him when she confessed to only kissing this other guy,there may have been more to it,maybe not,these situations are rarely black and white

To the OP, enjoy and explore what you have with Girl B, look forward and dont dwell on the past and dont waste your energy on guilt. Nobody can tell how long your relationship with Girl B will last but at least you gave it a shot. No regrets, no guilt, its a learning curve'

I was cheated on by someone and they continued with the new relationship while I started on a new one myself. Their new relationship failed partially as he felt guilty over hurting me. I will admit to having a biased opinion here but I did also read up on it and it does happen.

To the OP, I do still feel very sorry for you with your current situation and wish you all the best.

Gholimoli · 29-11-2006 12:52pm

Lol
Dude judging by the story and description of your self and in particular your wording, you sound like an extremely emotional chap who gets attached too easily.
Now im not judging so don’t get me wrong im just calling it as I see it.
Girl A was all you had ever seen since prob you knew the difference between boys and girls.
Then she kisses some one else and shatters you believe of what true love is all about and how you “believe” things should be.
Then girl B comes along and the whole walk on the beach and stuff fits perfectly in your description of how things should be and you feel once again that you can achieve what you once had with girl A.
Again im not gudjing you but this all sounds like teen-age premature love.
The problem with it is it gets boring very quickly for the other party, which will make them either go with some one else or basically become distinct from you.
In my opinion you should not commit your self yet to anything and shagg as many people as you can.
Be with as many different personalities as you can untill you get a firm set of standards (which I don’t think you have yet though I could be wrong) and then choose your partner based on those standards.
The problem is those standards only developed and become solid with experience.
Just my 2cents.

LegacyUser · 08-12-2006 9:40pm

'1.) You were COMPLETELY wrong to cheat on Girl A. And you SHOULD feel guilty about it. How dare you treat someone else like that KNOWING how hurt it had mad you. If you wanted to, you should have been a man and broken up with Girl A in April.

2.) Girl B is obviously a nasty piece of work. She knew you had a girlfriend and suggested being your mistress??? Man you need your head examined if you think she won't cheat on you, just like she helped you cheat on Girl A. Girl B is BAD NEWS pal. Get out now before you get more hurt and messed up than you already are.

3.) How can you think you can have any future with someone who brings out the WORST in you?? Forget about what Girl A did first - it's not a case of getting someone back for doing something to you. You CONSCIOUSLY decided to cheat on her. Are you happy about that?? Are you proud of that? I don't think so. Find someone who makes you a better person, not someone who drags you down to the gutter.

4.) What do Girl A's family think of you and what you did? Would you be fine with meeting her mother on the street? I'm sure the family showed you hospitality over the years - what way is this to repay them then? Is this the kind of man you want to be? I hope not.

5.) If Girl A meant so much to you over the years, then you should have had the decency to treat her properly at the end. What's wrong with you??? She even KNEW Girl B was flirting with you and trusted you to go away with her and all the work colleagues. You shattered that trust. Whatever the hell is up with you, you need to sort your head out before you start something up with anyone else.

6.) if you want to live a shallow, half life then fine - continue on the path you're on. If you want to be truly happy, then take a long hard look at yourself - do you see yourself staying with Girl B? Well, won't that be a nice story to tell the kids?? "Dad, how did you and mum meet...?" And you could be a dad sooner than you think - how careful were you??? Jeez - imagine being stuck with this one for the next 18 years????

7.) Think of some guy you admire. Why do you look up to him? I'd be damn sure it ain't because he's so good at lying and cheating. Take a leaf out of someone else's book and start working on improving the person you are. When you're happy with YOU then it's the time to find someone else, not before.

8.) Girl A wasn't for you. Girl B is not the girl for ANYONE. Women like her should be shunned. How any woman can aide and abett in the betrayal of another is beyond me. How are you going to introduce her? Oh lads, here's the woman I cheated on my girlfriend of X years with, isn't she great??

9.) You did not 'make love' - it was nothing more than a meaningless shag. Have you been tested? Chlamydia doesn't have any symptoms you know, but if you give it to a girl it could render her infertile. Also, if Girl B sleeps with you that easy, I wonder how many others have been there before you? Please - cop on here!

10.) You are CRAZY to be jumping from one relationship into another. What you need here is time and space not another ready-made girlfriend.

Sorry to be harsh but I think these things needed to be said. People are afraid to say boo about people these days but it's not right. This world would be a much nicer place if everyone stood up for what is right and didn't just go with the status quo. Life is not like a movie you know, what you do has repercussions, people get hurt, lives get messed up. Stop and think NOW before things get any worse.

Good luck pal.'

What a mess I'm in...

Comments