Vampiric (a poem)

carpenoctem

Just thought I'd be brave and post one of my poems... feedback is always welcome, good or bad.

VAMPIRIC

Feed of the living
Heartbeat
Like a mosquito
Bloated
Blood is my wine
Drunk
I was your brother
Cursed
Feed me your soul
Deadly
Your life is mine
Surrender

Black Swan

My first impression was that of a series of statements, one each introducing chapters in a vampire novel. Example:

Chapter 1
Feed of the Living: Heartbeat

As a poem, it was creative, but a bit brief. Would you consider expanding it?

carpenoctem

Thank you, that is an interesting thought actually. I am working on a vampire novel right now so I might keep that idea in mind for it.

I haven't thought about expanding it so far, but I might have a look at it again. I like it the way it is but sometimes it takes an outsider's POV for the best ideas.

The poem is actually spun of an earlier poem of mine which I liked the structure of and I wanted to keep that structure of having certain words on a line of their own. This is my other poem:

SINFUL
Lust
blurs the lines
between right and
wrong.
Without morals
I am led by
desire.
Just want to
reach out and
touch
what I yearn for.
Such perfection, such
sin.

If I'm honest, I didn't really like it. Mainly because it seemed like some random statements strung together slightly incoherently. Seems like you need a bit more transition between them.

I'm not saying its a bad poem. Just seemed like it needs a bit more work.

MagnumForce

I like it, except for some reason the word mosquito. I dunno why it just ruins it, it doesn't seem to fit. But hey, thats just me.

Black Swan

carpenoctem wrote:

Thank you, that is an interesting thought actually. I am working on a vampire novel right now so I might keep that idea in mind for it.

Want to share the plot? Or keep it under wraps until published?

carpenoctem

Deleted User wrote:

If I'm honest, I didn't really like it. Mainly because it seemed like some random statements strung together slightly incoherently. Seems like you need a bit more transition between them.

Thanks. When I post something I do look for a HONEST opinion, so I did understand that you didn't mean "your poem is crap" (too many people seem to take criticism like that!). And I think I might just have a rethink about it, because now I looked at it again with your comment in mind, I do agree.

MagnumForce wrote:

I like it, except for some reason the word mosquito. I dunno why it just ruins it, it doesn't seem to fit. But hey, thats just me.

I can understand that, who likes mosquitoes?! I might see can I find another animal/bug for that though...

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Want to share the plot? Or keep it under wraps until published?

Well I might share bits of it - the basic idea was of a young guy getting turned without him knowing and then coming across an older vampire, and getting dragged into that world... but I'm not very happy with it yet, so far it feels too Anne Ricey. But when I have settled on something I think is good I might come looking for opinions!

MagnumForce

carpenoctem wrote:

I can understand that, who likes mosquitoes?! I might see can I find another animal/bug for that though...

It's just that although everyone knows that mosquitos are the perfect animal counterpart to vampires, it just doesnt seem right to use it as an analogy for some reason, you don't really find it anywhere. Maybe its something to do with the fact that vampires are supposed to be powerful creatures and relating them to a tiny little insect make the effect of the image of the vampire diminish. I dunno.

carpenoctem

That's an interesting point... although in a way I didn't want that whole immortal vampire image, I was looking for it to be something more fragile... more because I think that in today's world a vampire would be living on the edge, and if trying to keep it's true identity hidden that would be very hard... well, that's just my view anyhow. But I guess a mosquito might still not be quite right... thinking about it...

MagnumForce

I know what your thinking! But don't replace it with Chameleon!!!

carpenoctem

Hehe, I shant!

Matt Holck

Mosquitoes belong to a group of insects that requires blood to develop fertile eggs. Males do not lay eggs, thus, male mosquitoes do not bite. The females are the egg producers and "host-seek" for a blood meal. Female mosquitoes lay multiple batches of eggs and require a blood meal for every batch they lay. Few people realize that mosquitoes rely on sugar as their main source of energy. Both male and female mosquitoes feed on plant nectar, fruit juices and liquids that ooze from plants. The sugar is burned as fuel for flight and is replenished on a daily basis. Blood is reserved for egg production and is imbibed less frequently

http://www-rci.rutgers.edu/~insects/mosfaq.htm

JustCoz

I like the style of the two, but i could tell that the first poem you posted was written after the second one you posted. The second one is more fluid, after I read it, it seems like you are trying too hard to make "Vampiric" like the other one.

MagnumForce

Matt Holck wrote:

http://www-rci.rutgers.edu/~insects/mosfaq.htm

Great, but why are you telling us this? no one raised the issue of why mosquitoes draw blood, and i can't see a reason why anyone would.

carpenoctem

MagnumForce wrote:

Great, but why are you telling us this? no one raised the issue of why mosquitoes draw blood, and i can't see a reason why anyone would.

Hehe, I think I got the general idea of that being mentioned - which was that a vampire is not as a mosquito at all since a mosquito does not FEED on blood. I actually already knew this which is why my comparison between the two is not that they both drink blood, but that they are BLOATED. But I guess the post did point out that that isn't clear from the poem which is a good thing to know.

JustCoz wrote:

I like the style of the two, but i could tell that the first poem you posted was written after the second one you posted. The second one is more fluid, after I read it, it seems like you are trying too hard to make "Vampiric" like the other one.

When I first wrote Vampiric, I didn't actually think of my other poem at all. I originally tried to flesh it out a bit with more phrases but I was curious to see if it would work more the way it is than as a longer poem. But it is a good point, I do think a this stage that I should sit down and work more on it.