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Dropping Friends

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  • 27-11-2006 2:47pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,
    was wondering if anyone was in the same situation. i have a large group of friends that i have been friends with for over 8 years but these days its not so enjoyable anymore. i think ever since the gf's came on the scene the BITCHINESS has rubbed off on all the lads too and now every night we seem to go out there is some sort of 'scene'. Saturday night we went out and i was talking to one of the GF's and she was talking about the past (they have a child) and jokingly said that she trapped him with the child and we all that we all thought it. she said it across the table to her other half and everyone started getting pissed off and the worst thing was they think i said it, even though the GF explained it all that she came up with it, i think i decided there and then that i need new friends. the problem is its not as easy as it sounds what way would you go about phasing this in i'm a sociable person and i like going out but how do you even begin to start up with a new group. Other things freak me out like i'm getting married in two years and dont want to have 4 people going on my stag but i do not want to continue with this group just so that i have numbers for my stag, etc. anyone gone through anything similar?


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    #2
    Steyr
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,266 ✭✭✭Steyr


    Have you thought about getting friends here from Boards? wherever you live online? Its easy just go to the "region" section and see where your location is im sure somebody there is organising a meet up somewhere or whatever,alot of people here online are friends with others online, just a suggestion.


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    #3
    Black Swan
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,231 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    Boards? Ha! They can become even more than friends, too!;)


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'i totally understand what you mean - i think its cos i've been living away for the last 18 months and finding it really hard to settle back in with the old crowd. Everyone's really settled down since i've been away and some of the groups have fragmented, its like starting all over again - which sounds like a pretty good idea!'


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    #5
    Colm_OReilly
    Registered Users Posts: 3,577 ✭✭✭Colm_OReilly


    Starting Again,

    I think it's admirable that you can recognise that you're not on the same path as your friends. I wrote a piece on this once (it's on my site if you'd like to check it out) and it always gets a strong reaction from people.

    As far as new friends go, think of the person you'd like to be, and the qualities of the people you'd like to have in your life. When you get clear on this it will be easier to select who you chose to spend your time with.

    Hope this helps,
    Colm


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    #6
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Starting Again wrote:
    Other things freak me out like i'm getting married in two years and dont want to have 4 people going on my stag

    Having 4 very good friends that you like is soooo much better than 20 assholes


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    Beruthiel wrote:
    Having 4 very good friends that you like is soooo much better than 20 assholes

    Thanks for all the feedback, and the above is a great quote never looked at it that way. I'm so used to having friends around but every time we go out I get annoyed with the childish games some of them play. I think i realised i had out grown them when i was trying to be someone i'm not when i was around them. It seems to be a pretty common thing I see guys who were pretty much joined at the hip years ago and when you meet them now they say they havent seen the other for months maybe its all just part of growing up, its a shame though.'


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    #8
    Borat_Sagdiyev
    Registered Users Posts: 589 ✭✭✭Borat_Sagdiyev


    Starting Again wrote:
    '

    Thanks for all the feedback, and the above is a great quote never looked at it that way. I'm so used to having friends around but every time we go out I get annoyed with the childish games some of them play. I think i realised i had out grown them when i was trying to be someone i'm not when i was around them. It seems to be a pretty common thing I see guys who were pretty much joined at the hip years ago and when you meet them now they say they havent seen the other for months maybe its all just part of growing up, its a shame though.'
    I think that what it all comes down to is that friends are supposed to be people that you look forward to seeing, people you like spending time with, people that you trust and you can say anything to*.

    It is also important that they don't hassle over bull****. For example, IMO anyone who says "I sent you a text the other night, how come you didn't reply?" is a complete waste of space. If they understand and trust you, they know that you just weren't able to - they shouldn't have to ask.

    Friends are not supposed to give you hassle.

    *By this I don't just mean the usual personal secret stuff, but you can also say things like "ah you're only an oul bollox anyway" and there'll be absolutely no insult whatsoever taken.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Borat_Sagdiyev wrote:
    I think that what it all comes down to is that friends are supposed to be people that you look forward to seeing, people you like spending time with, people that you trust and you can say anything to*.

    It is also important that they don't hassle over bull****. For example, IMO anyone who says "I sent you a text the other night, how come you didn't reply?" is a complete waste of space. If they understand and trust you, they know that you just weren't able to - they shouldn't have to ask.

    That is not an unreasonable question tbh. If you have not offerred a reason why you neglected a firend when they were obviously seeking your advice company or just asking you how you are then why should they not ask why? If you still don't offer a reason then maybe they can leave it. But if you just ignore a friend because you aren't in the mood for talking and can't be arsed to say so, then it isyou that is the waste of space, I think yyou will find.


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    #10
    Borat_Sagdiyev
    Registered Users Posts: 589 ✭✭✭Borat_Sagdiyev


    Holdonaminute wrote:
    That is not an unreasonable question tbh. If you have not offerred a reason why you neglected a firend when they were obviously seeking your advice company or just asking you how you are then why should they not ask why? If you still don't offer a reason then maybe they can leave it. But if you just ignore a friend because you aren't in the mood for talking and can't be arsed to say so, then it isyou that is the waste of space, I think yyou will find.
    I wasn't "neglecting a friend". There could be any number of reasons that I didn't reply, and "couldn't be arsed", as my friends would know from knowing me, is NEVER going to be one of those reasons.

    EDIT: I never said that it was an unreasonable question. Its a question that wrecks the head. When I text people to see how they are, I don't expect them to reply, so they know they're under no obligation. I've had mates, really close friends, text me a week or two after I contacted them apologising that they didn't contact me back sooner. There's no need to apologise, I know that they didn't have the time or whatever so there's no hassle.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Borat_Sagdiyev wrote:
    I wasn't "neglecting a friend". There could be any number of reasons that I didn't reply, and "couldn't be arsed", as my friends would know from knowing me, is NEVER going to be one of those reasons.


    Well it makes much more sense that if there was a perfectly reasonable reason for not replying to a friend then you would say so, if there wasn't then that's probably why you dont offer that to your friends. ok maybe on one or two occasions it might be worth them leaving it alone but if it is a constant thing that you just dont bother to even offer a reason for anything you do especially if it could hurt the other persons feelings, then how much of a friend do you think you are? Friends should be reliable, loyal and there. If you can't be those things for the other person then can you really call yourself a friend. And just expecting people to take it for granted that that's the way you are is one thing, but it really means that it's you taking them for granted in the end.


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    #12
    MonkeyWrench
    Registered Users Posts: 385 ✭✭MonkeyWrench


    Its a difficult one but I would think twice about ditching friends who have been around for years. I have good friends who i've known for years and we sometimes annoy the crap out of each other to the extent that I really don't want to meet up with some of them at times because of their tendancy to slag too much. But overall they are good mates and in times of need I know I would be there for them and I hope they would be there for me. The way I see it is that while people are in a group of friends they play a particular role whether they like it or not. Its a bit like being in a family and being the youngest, they will always be seen as the baby of the family even when they are 40 and going bald. Its the same as occupying a role within a group of long term friends. The fact of the matter is they quite possibly individually feel the same as you, I want to ditch these friends etc. The only way to get through to them is individually apart from this group situation.


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    #13
    Borat_Sagdiyev
    Registered Users Posts: 589 ✭✭✭Borat_Sagdiyev


    holdonaminute wrote:
    Well it makes much more sense that if there was a perfectly reasonable reason for not replying to a friend then you would say so, if there wasn't then that's probably why you dont offer that to your friends. ok maybe on one or two occasions it might be worth them leaving it alone but if it is a constant thing that you just dont bother to even offer a reason for anything you do especially if it could hurt the other persons feelings, then how much of a friend do you think you are? Friends should be reliable, loyal and there. If you can't be those things for the other person then can you really call yourself a friend. And just expecting people to take it for granted that that's the way you are is one thing, but it really means that it's you taking them for granted in the end.

    I'm not taking anyone for granted. I'm not saying that I never reply to texts. I try to reply to every single one. I just don't want to be given hassle if I haven't gotten a chance to contact them back because I've been crazy busy at work or whatever. When I get texts saying that someone needs my help I immediately contact that person. Believe it or not, I'm not the ignorant, self-obsessed person you're making me out to be - the way I see it is that there is enough hassle in life without your friends adding to it. Friends should be there to ease that hassle, not add to it, and of course it works both ways. You should be there to ease the hassle in their lives.


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    MonkeyWrench wrote:
    Its a difficult one but I would think twice about ditching friends who have been around for years. I have good friends who i've known for years and we sometimes annoy the crap out of each other to the extent that I really don't want to meet up with some of them at times because of their tendancy to slag too much. But overall they are good mates and in times of need I know I would be there for them and I hope they would be there for me. The way I see it is that while people are in a group of friends they play a particular role whether they like it or not. Its a bit like being in a family and being the youngest, they will always be seen as the baby of the family even when they are 40 and going bald. Its the same as occupying a role within a group of long term friends. The fact of the matter is they quite possibly individually feel the same as you, I want to ditch these friends etc. The only way to get through to them is individually apart from this group situation.

    I understand what you are saying but it depends on what you call friends, I know for a fact that they talk about me behind my back because whenever i am with them they are doing it about all the others, its unreal to see how bad it gets. Its like if you dont go out one weekend you could be "black balled" but maybe i am reading too much into this and expecting too much from them also. A lot of us are buying houses now and they are all at complete opposite sides of the county so i would like to see how the next few months are going to work out when we wont be meeting up as much. i think i'm just growing up a bit faster than the rest, they still seem to want to go to bars that we went to about 6 years ago and these places are really teeniebopper places, whereas i would prefer to go somewhere with our own age crowd. I could talk here all night about the differences between us.

    Another thing is that i have a pretty good job and travel all the time and i never talk about it but whenever any of them ask me where i was and i start telling them i can feel the others thinking i'm boasting but i never do that. Or maybe i am just being too sensitive.

    So where would you start from if you wanted to start all over again?'


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    #15
    Summerjones
    Closed Accounts Posts: 132 ✭✭Summerjones


    Can I ask what age you are?


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    Starting Again wrote:
    '

    It seems to be a pretty common thing I see guys who were pretty much joined at the hip years ago and when you meet them now they say they havent seen the other for months maybe its all just part of growing up, its a shame though.'

    I think that shame is just a sentimentality though; just because you've spent x amount of time and have x amount of memories with a certain person, doesnt change the fact that they've become an asshole.

    After leaving school I became completely detached from my friends, just because I felt I was headed in a completely different direction. Like you, it related to bitchiness and such.. I decided a night out was something to look forward to, and not to dread.

    But it was easier for me - I was starting to college, where there was an abundance of opportunity.. I guess you should just throw yourself out there; albeit it through work, college, internet etc.

    (Oh, by the way, it will be impossible to become 'completely' independent of these people whom you have spent so long with, unless you move or something. But theres no reason you cant still be in contact, or friendly, just be a bit more reserved with them. At arms length, if you will.)'


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