13yr old - web access - porn

Tippex

Hi,

I'm in a bit of a quandry.

a bit of background.
My 13yr old has his own pc, we have broadband, I've installed cyber patrol pc is totally locked down. I also get a report of sites he accesses from the firewall (i've worked in computers for years so I know what I'm doing)

Anyway he asked could he set up a bebo site on saturday so I said yeah (with the warning that no personal details, phone numbers etc go up).
Anyway that was fine he got in touch with a mate of his and all was good.

Then yesterday I connected to his pic to install a couple of games patches and he was browsing his school pages. I then realised he got the bebo site set up very quickly and knew his way around it totally. Some of the pages within the school section were not what a 13 yr old should be getting into (hardcore club).

Anyway I done a bit of digging and found one of his mates pages and seen that my son had at least another 3 bebo accounts set up. one with porn pictures in the account.

Now I'm not naive enough to think he's not looking at porn etc but there are limits.

When I spoke to him about his bebo and asked howmany accounts he has he said 1. I asked him at least 6 times about this specific account and he denied it so I showed him the list of friends and then he admitted it was him.

He had been accessing the porn etc in an internet cafe and posting on the bebo site.

For me the porn isnt the huge issue it is the fact that he lied multiple times eventhough he new I could prove it was him.

We have a very open relationship where hes can and does ask questions (very awkward ones especially over dinner).

Any advice? I don't to come down on hime too hard but then again some of what was on his site was not appropriate for a 13 yr old.

Thanks for listening....

Kildrought

1. Shut down the bebo and close the link
2. Find out what internet cafe he has been going to and complain - he should not be able to access pornography from a public system.

It doesn't matter how open you feel you are, a child of 13 should not be exposed to this.

Nevyn

Tippex wrote:

We have a very open relationship where hes can and does ask questions (very awkward ones especially over dinner).

This could be the crux of the issue.

While we all want to foster an open honest and trust relationship with our children with good communitcation we are first and foremost thier parents and thier friends second.

You are going to have at least 5 more years of him testing boundarys and it could be a time to sit and explain that it is your house and your rules,
it maybe his home but he does not pay the bills and that internet access is a privilage and he abused it and broke his word to you.
Having his own pc is also a privilage, as is acess to console games.
Privilages are not essentail and can be removed and he can learn to live with out them.

Sounds like he is pushing what he can get away with and he needs to be told these are the rules, these are the consquences if you break them and you as the parent have to follow through with the consqueneces.

The bring up topics which he knows are not fitting at the dinner table or are not the time for such discussions is a way of again testing the bounds and the rules.
This I would personal not let mine away with esp if you have younger children.

I am not looking forward to the joys of tough love and teen parenting myself but I wish you the best with it.

nesf

Kildrought wrote:

1. Shut down the bebo and close the link
2. Find out what internet cafe he has been going to and complain - he should not be able to access pornography from a public system.

It doesn't matter how open you feel you are, a child of 13 should not be exposed to this.

I disagree actually. I don't think that blocking bebo from home will achieve anything; a 13 year old will and can find a way around those things. I don't think of a 13 year old as a child either, they are teenagers and well capable of deliberately doing things like the above, versus an 8 year old who most likely has little idea of what they are doing.

I agree with thead that you have to draw boundaries and withdraw privilidges if they are overstepped but I wouldn't think of it as coming down hard on him. Essentially at 13 they should be able to comprehend the consequences of their actions (in theory) and you shouldn't feel bad about punishing them appropiately. Again, an 8 year old might have little idea of what they were doing, but a 13 year old most definitely does.

I wouldn't be that quick to blame the internet either. 14 years ago when there was no internet really (well, no easy access to it in the middle of the country) at 11 I still got my hands on a lot of material probably similar to what your son had collected. I would be wary of blaming the internet, this isn't a trait that suddenly just appeared in this generation. Where there's a will there's a way and all that.

Thaedydal wrote:

While we all want to foster an open honest and trust relationship with our children with good communitcation we are first and foremost thier parents and thier friends second.

I couldn't agree more. The relationship needs to be defined correctly imho.

littlebitdull

I have two teenagers, my son is older than yours but does like his porn. We keep an eye on his internet usage, but have on numerous occasions had to delete porn.

Teenagers are rebels at heart. Their first instint seems to be to lie their way out of trouble. So your son is no different.

I would advise you to only have pc access where you can monitor it - physically monitor it not just look at his history etc.

But be assured that he is normal, well assuming the porn is "normal", if you were concerned by the actual content or type of porn thats a whole different question.

You need to be the parent here and set the bounderies. Even teenagers like to know their limits and to live within them. Too much freedom is not good for them.

Tippex

Believe me he is well aware of the bounderies.
I have lost count of the number of times when it comes to movies he has come out with "well so and so has seen it" and my reply is always well I'm not responsible for so and so I don;t think its appropriate so your not watching.
I know when he goes to mates houses he may watch stuff that I have told him no to.

he knows if I say no and he ignores it then there are going to be consequences. As I told him last night that I am more dissappointed in the fact that he knew the rules about the web etc and went behind my back and then even though he was like a rabbit caught in the headlights tried to lie his way out of it.

So one of his mates called last night and I told him that he was not allowed to his mates house until further notice but while he was on the phone I told him to explain why. His mate got off the phone fairly sharply (afraid I would speak to his parents).

The PC is physically located beside my own one and now the only time he can use it is when I am there (I have changed the password so he can't log on)

He has been given a number of chores now for the rest of the week so I'll see how that goes.

I also sat him down and asked hime how he would feel if someone had posted pictures of his friends or his mum on their bebo site so I think he has got the hint.

layke

The ultimate parental nightmare.

Your son I gather at this stage has become sexually aware. Curious, he checks out porn site. From what I remember at the age of 13 onwards even looking at a fully clothed women gave me that fuzzy feeling down below.

But as a child your taught this is a BIG NO NO so he was probably just scared about your reaction and that's the reason he lied. Hell I feared my moms reactions to to a whole load of stuff over the years.

If he's been in an internet cafe and downloaded porn there is a good chance he will do it again and I don't believe stopping access to Bebo will solve that problem weither.

If I was your son and you caught me, I would do it again. You'd just find it very hard to find evidence next time. That's me though maybe he's better behaved then I was growing up.

It can't be stopped imo but you can try to curb it. At that stage in his life I think the biggest influence in his life are his mates.

Tippex

Yep very sexually aware.

As I said I'm not naive enough to think he doesnt surf porn but the whole thing was that he thought it was acceptable to post these images on his bebo site.

Plus he knows well enough that he will struggle to hide stuff from me (as he cannot lie to save his life) as I've told him on numerous occassions he is the type of kid who no matter what mischief he gets up to he will always be the one that gets caught (I was the same).

Personally I think he struggles knowing that he's 13 and I'm 32 whereas a lot of his mates dads are late forties early fifties (so I remember what I was like).

I have told him that the internet is there to be used not abused and even a couple of weeks ago when he wanted to go to the net cafe I told him no it was pointless as he had net access, his excuse was I want to play counterstrike (which I have here anyway) so I knew there was something up.

anyway its just another week in the life of a parent dealing with a teenager who thinks they have a god given right to do what they please (coz I'm nearly an adult)....

and I'm going to have to go through it all over again in 9 years times (hopefully I'll be better prepared and a lot wiser)

Kildrought

You still need to contact the Internet cafe that allowed a 13 year old child to download pornography.

And please lets not be naive about this stuff - a lot of what is available on the internet is way beyond the bums 'n' boobs that some male posters here might fondly remember from their youth.

shoegirl

It sounds like normal behaviour for his age group - back in the days when I taught boys from 8 to 18 I have to say they really are a hotbed of pent-up emotions and misplaced sexual feelings.

I think you might need to give him a short sharp shock and temporarily remove the pc and/or broadband access and stop giving him whatever cash he is using to use cybercafes. I would be inclined to complain to the management of the cybercafe if they are allowing young teenagers to access porn. I wouldn't say it would stop others, but it would at least make your feelings known.

A good suggestion I would make for parents is to move PCs (and tvs for that matter) out of the bedrooms and into a part of the house where the family congregate. This will dissuade mischief to some extent. Just because its out of sight doesn't mean you can ignore what may be going on.

daiixi

I'm sorry but I don't see the problem with a 13 year old accessing porn. I do see a problem with them lying about it though. I'm 26 and have had access to the internet for the past 13 years. When I was younger I used to check out all different sites including porn and crime scene pictures. I didn't try to hide it from my parents and they didn't ban me from looking at anything. Children have a natural curiosity and I think that's a good thing. I've grown up into (if I do say so myself) a normal, albeit very openminded, adult who doesn't have much desire to check out those types of sites nowadays.
Nowadays kids are exposed to so much so young and I think it's better to experience things with them rather than hide things from them. Kids will find whatever they want whether you like it or not. By making something slightly more acceptable you make it slightly less interesting.

qwertplaywert

better he looks at porn than he goes out and gets a teenage girl pregnant

Owen

Mother. Of. God. He's 13, has realised what his weener is for, and you're shocked he's looking at Porn. When I was his age, I had the mickey pulled off of me with my Amiga 500.

This is completely normaly behaviour for a 13 year old male.

If he's not doing it at home, he will be doing it somewhere else, either with Porn Magazines, or worse still, as qwertplaywert said, he could go out and get a girl pregnant.

The only issue you have OP is that he lied to you, and that's down to embarassment when it comes to discussions with Parents about Sex.

Owen

Kildrought wrote:

And please lets not be naive about this stuff - a lot of what is available on the internet is way beyond the bums 'n' boobs that some male posters here might fondly remember from their youth.

He's 13! All he's going to be interested in for the next few years are the bums 'n' boobs. He has to go through developmental processes such as actually touching things for himself, before he'll graduate to anthing else.

Boston

Tippex wrote:

We have a very open relationship where hes can and does ask questions (very awkward ones especially over dinner).

You can't have an open relationship with someone when you watch and control nearly every part of their life. He really doesn't have a choice but be open with you because you pry into his life, and maybe thats your right, even your responsiblity as a parent, but thats the relationship you have father and son. Sooner or later you'll have to give the kid some freedom to exhibit some poor judgement.

The more you try to enforce rules like the one's you've outlined the less you'll find him coming to you and the more he will just lie to you. If you go down the my house my rules tough luck route, especally over things you don't really care about, you're going to set yourself up for allot of pain and heart ache.

Look at it this way, it's only a matter of time before he realises that with the aid of google and afew manuals he can reset all the passwords, restore your router to factory defaults and lock you out of your own system.

Victor

Tippex wrote:

As I said I'm not naive enough to think he doesnt surf porn but the whole thing was that he thought it was acceptable to post these images on his bebo site.

To a degree he is simply following the crowd. To a degree the porn is a badge and isn't much different from picture of a cool car or popstar.

qwertplaywert wrote:

better he looks at porn than he goes out and gets a teenage girl pregnant

Two separate problems.

daiixi wrote:

I'm sorry but I don't see the problem with a 13 year old accessing porn.

I think there is a matter of context. Six 13 year olds huddles around a computer does not make for proper education or (somewhat) balanced discussion.

littlebitdull wrote:

I have two teenagers, my son is older than yours but does like his porn. We keep an eye on his internet usage, but have on numerous occasions had to delete porn.

And the back-ups?

Kildrought

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kildrought
And please lets not be naive about this stuff - a lot of what is available on the internet is way beyond the bums 'n' boobs that some male posters here might fondly remember from their youth.

Reply:

He's 13! All he's going to be interested in for the next few years are the bums 'n' boobs. He has to go through developmental processes such as actually touching things for himself, before he'll graduate to anthing else.

it's not a question of 'interest' it's a question of the appalling stuff that's available on the internet - torture, sadism, children, 'snuff' movies anyone? - would you really want a 13 yr old child seeing this?

better he looks at porn than he goes out and gets a teenage girl pregnant

That's an amazingly naive view. In fact I would go so far as to suggest that it is possible that the objectification of a human via pornography is more likely to encourage risk-taking sexual behaviour.

Though it must be said that there is a growing body of opinion that the huge explosion in pornography and its availability has had a direct and negative impact on male fertility.

daiixi

Kildrought wrote:

That's an amazingly naive view. In fact I would go so far as to suggest that it is possible that the objectification of a human via pornography is more likely to encourage risk-taking sexual behaviour.

Sure, so make sure that children understand the difference between consentual and nonconsentual sex. As I said above it's not that kids access this stuff it's that they don't learn about what they're accessing and that it's made to taboo and not discussed openly.

Zynks

If you want an open relationship with your kid, maybe you should be concerned with (1) finding out why he felt he had to lie to you and (2) helping him understand that most women might see sex differently from men and what they enjoy and expect may be different from what is depicted in porn.

Hobbes

Tell him he looks at porn on the net and you take the computer from him, as a comprimise tell him you will pay for a subscription to Maxim or something.

Boston

So you take his computer away, potentially cutting off a whole world of knowledge.

Zambia

I would turn a blind eye to what he does in Internet cafes, No porn coming into the house PC is a good rule. I would stick to it

This is no biggy in time he will grow out of it.

If you look at a lot of kids phones they are full on porn. As long as this stuff does not come near your house he will no its no on. Giving him some sense of right and wrong which it appears he has.

When i was a teenager I was an eejit , everyone gets a turn too...

Porn , smoking , drinking, fumbling they all had a spin on the wheel. Keep trying and hope for the best , if you where not so PC capable you would never have even know about this.

Zynks

Zambia232 wrote:

This is no biggy in time he will grow out of it.

Hmmm, how can I put it, ah, I'll let the emoticons do the job
:eek: :rolleyes: